ChangeIsHard

My situation: my EXAB (broke up over a year ago) is over 1 year in recovery and is very commited to sobreity. I've told him I still have feelings for him but he says he's unable to tell me what he feels for me, and isnt in a relationshipsip and doesnt want that right now. I'm confused about it all and sort of upset that he can't at least tell me whether he sees that as a possibility in the future. Sometimes we go for lunch and he ALWAYS pays -he refuses to let me pay for anything besides coffees.

It's my birthday, and i'm going on a long-ish trip to europe very soon. We went for lunch today, he paid, and then he gave me a bon voyage/birthday card and in it was about $500 worth of euros.

I don't want to accept all of this $ because it is a lot - it's ridiculous. i called him and told him he was crazy, and thank you etc etc but that i'm not sure i can accept it and at the very least when i get back i'll treat HIM to something. He told me he just wanted me to have a good time and that he also felt he owed it to me.

What does it all mean? The comment that he felt he 'owed ' it to me made me feel bad. I know he thinks the break up was all his fault because of his alcoholism. I don't want our friendship to be based on him feeling that he owes me his time/money etc. I don't feel remotely comfortable with that. It adds doubt in my mind about his motivations for hanging out with me. Is he just going for lunches/coffees etc because he feels obliged to?

any thought would be helpful

Freedom1990

I have no desire to figure out other people's motivations for doing what they do. I have enough in my life to keep me busy.

If you're that uncomfortable with it, buy a card, stick it in there, and send it back to him.

Either that or continue to think yourself in circles trying to figure out why.

It's your choice.

tallulah

I get the feeling that is the last thing you want. You want him to want to see you for coffee/lunch etc. because he wants to and not because it is something he is doing out of guilt or maybe as part of his sobriety. Because if it is the latter you have to give up thoughts of reconciliation?

Maybe just accept it for what it is... a gift from a friend for your birthday to help make your trip a special one. If it makes you uncomfortable because you think it is too much then return it. If this is making you uncomfortable because it is a token of amends without any romantic meaning, then that is something it sounds like you will have to accept.

GiveLove

Trying to figure out why people do things, say things, DON'T say what you want to hear, etc. will drive you to an early grave.

He seems to be very clear to me: He wants to be friends, no more. You want him to project into the future, look into his crystal ball, and see if his feelings might change some day. Do you see how unfair and frustrating that can be?

On the money, if you really don't want it, send it back to him with your thanks. If you really want to pay for coffee, make it clear that you want to do that and will not accept no for an answer.

Myself? If someone gave me a gift of a wad of Euros and said, point blank, that it had no strings attached and was given because he wanted me to have a good time, I'd send him a heartfelt thank-you card and put it in the bank, and stop trying to second-guess, third-guess, fourth-guess all the WHYs and MAYBEs and SOMEDAYs about it.

If you can't handle friendship with this man without wanting more, I'd suggest you stop meeting him, change. You appear to be driving yourself nuts trying to manipulate this situation.

Just my two cents --- happy birthday and have a GREAT time in Europe.

Taking5

If he is serious about recovery, this could be his attempt to make amends. Did he ever steal money from you or use money on drugs and alcohol that should have gone towards the household expenses? If so consider this a partial payback and keep in mind this does not mean you owe him anything.

laurie6781

Sounds to me like he is taking HIS RECOVERY very seriously and working very hard on himself!

He told you why he gave it to you. Looks like a bit of 'amends' going on there too, as he felt he 'owed' it to you.

It's nice that y'all are still friends, BUT you need to stop trying or wanting it to be something more.

I've been sober a long long time now, and from what I have seen all these years, both as a recovering alcoholic and a recovering codie is to just step back from the person in recovery. Give them theri space for as long as they need. Some seem to be ready for relationships much quicker than others. Progress and change can come very slowly to the person in recovery.

If being friends is causing you this much confusion and hurt you may want to step back for your own peace and serenity.

J M H O

Love and hugs,