grayhair

We have been married for 6 years and over the past couple she has progressively gotten worse. We are fairly young (late 20's early 30's) so going out on the town is something we enjoy. We enjoy going out and having a couple drinks and hanging out with friends. We recently moved back to where she was born and raised, we both worked in the restaurant/bar business so most of our friends are still in that industry.

Last Friday night was the topper. She went out with a friend to a art exhibit and called me at 3 am, incoherent and lost. We don't live in a huge city and she was born and raised here. She said a tire blew out but upon arrival it was obvious she had hit something. Because of her state of mind she couldn't give me any information on where she was. I spent the next 3 hours driving around looking for her. All the while she was verbally abusive "why can't you find me are you stupid?" -- "if u r not here in 5 minutes I'm divorcing you" - "I'm going to call my dad and he's gonna take care of you"....I could go on and on as these conversations did but you get the point.

We have had a few discussions recently about her inability to drink without getting drunk. One glass of wine seems to be not enough but two is too many. Once she gets the second glass down her its all down hill from there.

She admits to having issues with stopping after 2 drinks. When she hits this point she is nice, fun, friendly to everyone else except me. Anytime we go out the minute we get home she begins nit picking everything I have done or not done over the years we've been together. The only times we ever argue is when she is drunk. We are both very open w/ each other so we handle issues and debate stuff all the time. Point being we communicate and rarely argue except when there is alcohol involved. Maybe she has issues with me that's she's not telling me about???

After the other night she said she was going to stop drinking all together. Past conversations have led her to say she won't drink more than one drink but if I'm not around she doesn't stick to it. Rather she will lie about it then when I know without a doubt in my mind she is loaded I call her out on it. then let the screaming begin (not me her). I'll say something like "honey, I can tell you have had more to drink than you are telling me by the way you are acting". slurred speech, aggressive, etc. And that just sets her off.

She is a wonderful person full of life and positive people around her. Her family pretty much sucks which I'm sure is where some if not most of her issues come from. But she does have a great sphere of influence around her.

She made a comment about maybe she needed to go get help but then quickly pulled back and said not like AA or rehab but like go to a therapist.

I know that no one knows but any thoughts on whether she will really stop drinking or is this just what she says until a month or two down the road when she decides that one drink would be okay then one leads to 2 and the cycle begins again.

Sorry for the lengthy rant here I don't have anyone else to talk to about this and getting it out feels very good.

Any comments, suggestions are appreciated.

silkspin

You've come to the right place. Many will be along to give you encouragement and support. So many stories are like yours, including mine. We met in university, life was a party and we were all having fun, then you slowly start coming to the realization that your partner can't stop after a few, when you and others can. He has good people around him, we have a beautiful daughter now. He has a good education, good job, plays sports. But no matter what, the good things around him, the stuff I said, none of it stopped him from getting wasted every weekend. I tried convincing myself, and him otherwise for many years and instead turned myself into a worrying, anxiety-ridden, feeling victimized, angry, resentful, controlling person. Al Anon has really helped put things into perspective - have you looked into any meetings?

My AH tried cutting down but it never stuck. Because it's a disease. No matter his good intentions, the compulsion was too strong, and after one drink it was a lost battle because that first one felt too good to stop. That's why many AA folks say it's the first one you should never pick up. I'd like to say that your story could have a happy ending, but the likely reality is that she won't be able to control it on her own. And you can't control it either. Read up on the info on this site, lots of great resources. Best to you.

justtired

She'll only really stop if she really WANTS to stop and is willing to do what it takes. Doesn't sound to me like she is if she won't go to AA. Therapy is a start. Maybe they can help her to see that it's a problem and she'll get further help. But nothing is for sure. If she doesn't honestly want sobriety for herself, she won't stop... not right away anyway.

grayhair

I definitely know I'm not alone in my situation. Although the details are a little different for everyone the core issues are the same.

The tough thing about it is the day after "an incident" she is so apologetic (of course) and feels terrible when I bring her up to speed how the night went, the things she said, etc. Then she tries to do so much to "make up" for what she did...cleans the house, cooks a nice dinner, etc.

Alcohol seems to bring out the absolute worst in her.

This is a bit selfish but how can "we" ever continue with our lives. The social aspect of drinking is going to be an issue forever. My family always has wine with holiday meals, gatherings with friends alcohol is typically on hand. No one else that i know has any issues with drinking so how insensitive is it for me to want to be able to continue hanging out with those friends, having a drink after work every once in a while.

I may have one or two drinks a month but I feel like I'd be a jerk if I drank in front of her.

How has everything worked out for you and your AH?

helpup

You are in a hard situation but being in a relationship with someone who cannot control their intake is going to mean that you will have to make a choice on what is more important to you, her, or your occasional drink. I think if you are planning to continue a healthy relationship that you will have to keep alcohol away from her and set boundries with family and friends regarding their use of alcohol around her. Just a suggestion... I have been in recovery for 5 yrs now and also I work at a faith based rehab for women. I do know what a hard situation it is that you are going through...:praying

prodigal

Based on what struck me in your post, as I have noted above, I will comment. You are married to an alcoholic. An alcoholic who wishes to maintain her addiction. Pointing out to her that she's drinking too much, slurring her words, behaving erratically, being verbally abusive .... well, she isn't interested in hearing that because she is not ready to deal with her addiction. You will keep hitting a wall.

Making comments along the lines of "I drink too much," "Maybe I should see a therapist," "I know my drinking is bad for me," is doing nothing. It's a way to get people off the addict's back and outta the addict's face. It also perpetuates the cycle of denial. There's a comment I've heard in AA many times: "The alcoholic is making a plan to plan to stop drinking."

My suggestion to you would be to give Al-Anon a try. At your first meeting, it is suggested that you go to six meetings before you decide whether or not it is for you. If you find, after trying several different meetings, it's not your cup of tea, find a therapist who can help you with codependency issues. I enabled two alcoholics for years without realizing it. And the promises to get sober were never kept. And the drinking progressed and got much worse.

I had to realize that I could do absolutely nothing to get the addict to see the light and seek sobriety. I'm sorry, but I know of no way to get an A to stop acting up, acting out, and drinking. I don't own the addiction and I have no control over it. I can only take care of my own business, and allow the A to find his bottom.

GiveLove

Your wife is an alcoholic. She is chemically incapable of having "just a couple of drinks."

Process that for a second: You will NEVER - EVER - be able to safely go out for a night on the town with her that involves her drinking. I assume that is okay with you, and that your marriage is much more than just your social life. But that's a fact you really have to internalize and accept.

Other than that, she is doing what many alcoholics do:
--The worst of them comes out when they've had a couple, and they begin to get abusive
--Getting progressively worse, and starting to endanger herself and others
--Apologizing profusely "the morning after"
--Saying what she thinks you want to hear, so she can maintain her addiction with no interference - working your boundaries around this

She will not seek help until she is ready to do so. Continuing to enable her by bailing her out of her trouble, making everything okay, accepting her apologies, allowing her backpedaling on getting help, trying to pretend you can continue the life you've always led, and essentially making sure there are few, if any, repercussions for her actions --- all of this will only prolong the agony.

She will seek recovery when she is good and ready. In the meantime, the decision you face is whether you want to take a front-row seat to her self-destruction, or protect yourself from her descent into alcoholism.

Al-Anon, personal counseling, this place -- all of those helped me to get a grip on what I had to do to stop my OWN suffering, which is really the only thing I can control.

I hope you choose to seek help for yourself. I'm glad you found us here - that's a great step. Have you read the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum? There is a lot of great and useful information in there.

Wishing you luck
GL

Still Waters

I ditto all the above

Start with you grayhair, that's the only thing you have control over.

Barbara52

She sounds very abusive when drunk. That is so destructive to you. Please learn about alcoholism and its effects on you. Educate yourself and start figuring out what you want to do to improve your life. You deserve so much better than what you have now.

silkspin

You are me and your wife is my AH. You have described EXACTLY my life. He'd get drunk, next day I'd tell him how I had to drag his passed-out butt out of a cab, or how he puked somewhere, or how he rolled over on me a dead weight in the middle of the night. I even videotaped him sleeping/snoring sprawled on the bed because he couldn't believe his rolling around was so bad. Next day, smelly, unshaved, shaky, he'd be apologetic and said he'd try next time, it was tough, he knows he sucks, has a problem (but it's not really a problem), he loves me, please forgive me I am a failure I don't blame you for hating me. Then, after I'd said my piece and he'd agree to it all, then he'd say let's get a movie tonight and snacks and have a great tasty meal and we'll snuggle tonight. Then all would be 'ok' until the next weekend where we'd repeat.

I stopped drinking and smoking when I got pregnant. He did not. I stopped going out late. He did not. I cried, got angry, worried (all alone of course, he was out having a great old time!) I finally went to Al Anon. I realized I contributed to the horrible dynamic that our relationship had become and started to work on it. He felt bad that I had to go to something like that because of him, but still didn't stop drinking. I dealt with it better though, and he saw the changes, and started admitting a bit more that he had an issue. No commitments though. An AA meeting here or there.

One night we visited friends and stayed overnight. He stumbled into our room at 3am, and in an unfamiliar room, lost his balance trying to get into bed and steadied himself against the closest thing - our babies portable crib. I jumped out of bed, terrified he'd fall on top of her or topple the thing. Next day I told him that we had to separate.

We've also moved to my home city and we're living with my folks at the moment. I sleep upstairs and he sleeps in the basement. It's going on 4 months and he's been sober and in AA ever since. He told his parents, and my family knows. Things are better, but we're still disconnected. I'm looking for a marriage counselor right now, and only time will tell if we'll end up together. But I wouldn't have been able to do without Al Anon - I'd still be in that terrible drink/apologize/forgive cycle and it was becoming unbearable, even though on the outside we also had a seemingly normal life.

I rarely drink anymore; I too feel like you and it's tough - I have had the occasional glass and I realize that he'll have to deal with others drinking around him. You aren't being insensitive; you want to live your life. But you also must realize that it is difficult for her to be around alcohol, especially since she's still actively drinking. So it's a personal choice for you and how to manage it. A life with a sober partner (albeit very new to us) is not easy, but living with a drinker was FAR more unmanageable.

Janitw

Welcome here and please heed the advice on this board....especially from those of us who have been around for awhile....remember the 3 c's:

You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it

It all up to her and from what I read here she is not ready...all she is doing is talking the talk but refusing to walk the walk..

Go to Al-Anon..you will be very glad you did. I know I was...way back in 2005-2006

Click on any of our names to read our histories ok.

supernova

hello grayhair,
You did not mention if you had children...If you don't, then unless your partner is wanting to face her addiction head on then think about the children thing before thinking about having them. It becomes alot more complicated if and when you have children. There is, of course, the issue of FAS,if a women drinks in pregnancy. Alcohol is apparently more devastating to a fetus than other drugs since it is so dehydrating to the baby's brain. The
As a child of an alcoholic mother, I so wished my mother had not drank in my childhood, and yes it has become increasingly worse. I also wished and still wish my dad did not enable my mother.
Unless your wife is ready to deal with her addiction head on, this will continue to be problematic for you and your wife.
I hope for both of you she gets help sooner than later.


"You don't need a good memory if you always tell the truth."

bluejay6

i'm sorry, grayhair, that your wife is an alcoholic (no doubt).

you are threatening the most important thing in her life....she will hate you for this.

she wants nothing to change, no consequences, no losses, and she wants to keep drinking as much as she can, and she will drink more and more as time passes.

if you clean up her messes, rescue her in any way, accept her humble calculated apologies, and still talk of the "future" the two of you have together....her disease is going to be very happy. and she is going to be very happy she does not have to deal with the lies and destruction in her life and her marriage.

you are hurting now and there will be more hurt to come, so the best thing you can do is build yourself a foundation of support to weather the coming crises, of which there will be many: a counselor who understands the chemically dependent marriage, al-anon support (there are men-only groups), and eventually, a good attorney.

read up on the disease, grayhair, so it doesn't call all the shots from here on out.

with support and information, you will be okay, no matter what.

whether or not she is, will be up to her.

do take care. and if you have a higher power, pray. it helps.

Believe808

"One glass of wine seems to be not enough but two is too many. Once she gets the second glass down her its all down hill from there."

My 2nd glass of anything was really my 4th or 5th. And my husband could never understand how 2 drinks would get me so messed up!!!

TTOSBT

Oh yeah!
I had always drank a bottle of wine (4 glasses) before my husband saw my first. But I ALWAYS told him I only had two. Same thing when I got my DUI. I told them I had two as well. I guess that seemed like a normal amount to drink....

sarahmills

You should probably give advices to your wife that alcohol isn't good for her health. Getting treatment in a rehab center can be the best possible solution to get rid of that addiction.

spikedaball

Grayhair, your situation is exactly what mine was several years ago. I didn't recognize it. Fortunately for you, you have. I spent the better part of the last five years covering up for my wife's "two classes of wine", cleaning up after her, picking her up off the floor, taking her to the ER. My advice....don't do anything to clean up her mistakes or prevent them from happening, unless you think they will directly effect you. As others have said, you wife won't seek help until she hits bottom and bottom is different for everyone. And DON'T BELIEVE what she tells you, no matter how much you love her, and how much she tells you that she loves you (harsh I know). Al-Anon, counselors, this site, all will help you if you let them.
GOOD LUCK and take care of YOURSELF.

Mr B

I can still remember when that particular beacon of light went on in my head about my AXGF's seeming ability to get so drunk, so fast on just a "couple" of glasses of wine...


Grayhair, I really feel for you because what you describe matches my experiences with my AXGF frighteningly well. You don't deserve to be treated badly just because she's got a drink problem. You don't deserve to have your happiness put in second place behind alcohol by her. I'm really sorry. It sucks.

One thing I would very, very strongly recommend is that if you take complete, personal responsibility for contraception regardless of whether she says she's taking precautions. Raising children with an alcoholic partner is a horrible and occasionally terrifying experience. I don't regret my children an iota but I sure as dammit wish I could've found a better mother for them.

Mr B.