Typo

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking and reading all the great thoughts here, and finally registered yesterday. I wanted to thank you - the atmosphere here is very gentle, yet honest, and I appreciate that a lot.

My son is 19, and is an alcoholic. My confusion and questions revolve around trying to understand where the line is between alcoholic behavior and the plain old teenage I-don't-wanna-grow-up attitude that seems so prevalent today.

How do I know when I'm offering tough love as opposed to cruelty?

A little background is in order, I guess. He has been drinking for years now, and has recently admitted he has a drinking problem. He is not interested in stopping or seeking any kind of help at this point.

He does very little with his life - he is trying to get into the military but with his record it is difficult. He has to work a job to pay off his debts and also earn some college credits to offset his GED. Personally, I'm very pleased that the military will make him work for what he wants, and they are asking for things which will be good for my son.

Meanwhile my son works a day or so every couple of weeks, has not paid off any of his debt, has not attended any classes for his DUI, etc He has enrolled in college for the fall term, but has not signed up for any classes yet. He procrastinated on his enrollment which has led to a delay in his financial aid - he would have to work to pay for the fall classes himself.

I let him come back home to live with me for 4 months with the proviso that if he does nothing to help himself, then he must leave. He is closing in on the 4 months, and I'm dreading the upcoming battle to have him move out...especially since he has nowhere to go and no solid job to pay for his own keep.

If 5 goals are set up for him, he will try for 1...and is that enough at this point? It's incredibly confusing, and any input you might have would be very helpful at this point.

I love the boy with all my heart, and am so worried I will make the wrong choice for him (and consequently for me).

With thanks,
Typo

Gabe

adult child to stand on his own two feet and take responsibility for his life. It just feels that way sometimes. I think your four month deal was a fair chance to get his life back on track. It doesn't sound like he has done a very good job with your very genrous offer. It sounds like you are in a position where you have to cut him loose and let him land where he lands. You are the only one who can decide whether or not you can do that. I'm sorry that you are faced with such a difficult choice. Welcome to the board, you will find lots of compassion and good advice here. There are other mothers of alcoholics who post here. I'm sure some of them will be along in a while to lend you their support and ideas.
Peace,
Gabe

Glenda

His lack of motivation might involve depression. Has he seen someone to rule that out?

We (hubby and I) wrote a contract for stepson and one we stick by.

1. curfew
2. No drinking/No Using
3. Must work
4. Enroll in classes
5. Keep room picked up
6. Laundry once a week
7. Money is managed by all of us together

If he breaks #1 or #2 he must move out immediately.

I will send a prayer your way because I know where you are coming from.

Glenda

Typo

Thanks for the responses and the words of encouragement. Glenda, your plan sounds like a very good one, and how great that it is working for you!

Does he have depression? Probably, or we could call it a natural grieving process. His father passed away from cancer 2 years ago, and life has given him some harsh experiences. I put in him counseling during the illness and afterwards, but he refused to go. The doctors could not medicate him because of the levels of drugs and alcohol in his system.

Personally, I think he is coming out of the depression/grieving, but we all know the human heart isn't very quick to mend itself.

We had a rough weekend. Seems he's ready to snap about anything, even casual stories from my job that are humorous (at least to me, lol). I finally got stern with him, and reminded him of his upcoming deadlines...that he would be leaving my house
whether he was ready to go or not. It seems to work, at least temporarily - he went and bought the Sunday paper and started job hunting again.

That's very good, but it is emotionally exhausting as well. I also feel horribly guilty, as if I have hurt him. Yet I truly believe if I don't get tough he will never help himself.

I'm just whining, I guess.

liddy

Hi Typo
welcome !
Glenda's rules sound very sensible.
Maybe, if your rules are in print he could visibly
see them and try to abide by the boundaries you set.
If not, well he deals with the consequences.
As for the goals, those should be his not yours. He may
only be capable of one goal at this time.
The main thing should be the job and taking care of
himself.
However, I hope you are doing something for yourself.
Have you gone to alanon? You will find those, like here
who can share there experience, strength and hope.
It has helped me so much to learn I can only change me not my son and daughters alcoholism or their lives.
hugs
liddy