kristmay

I’m so happy to have found this forum. I’ve been with my ABF for 10 years (living together for 9 years). I didn’t really notice that he had a drinking problem until about 4 years ago. He had to go into a medical detox at that point because it had become so bad. After that, there were a few incidents here and there, but things have gotten much worse since last summer. He doesn’t drink every day, but will go on these drinking binges every couple of months that last several days. One of the last drinking incidents led to having our apartment broken into and completely ransacked and several of our personal belongings stolen. This was in December. I wasn’t home at the time (I was visiting family in another state), and I really thought that this was his rock bottom. That was the first time he admitted he has a problem and that he wanted to do something about it. Of course, as the days and weeks passed, he took no action to help himself. This past weekend, he went on another binge, and I know he is passed out at home drunk right now. I’ve made the decision today to get help for myself. I’m on the verge of tears right now (at work) and my heart cannot physically handle the stress any more. The anxiety that I feel from his drinking is so overwhelming, I really feel like it has take years off of my life. I’m only 31, and I never thought I would be in a situation like this. I’ve learned that alcoholism can and does affect people from all walks of life. I’ve decided to go to my first al-anon meeting tomorrow, and I will also seek counseling/therapy for myself. I have felt so alone in this personal battle, and am so thankful to have found this forum.

Freedom1990

Welcome to SR, and I'm glad you found us too! Here you will find a lot of information on the disease of alcoholism, and a whole lot of caring people too!

I was married to an alcoholic, I am a recovering alcoholic, and I also have a 31 year old daughter who's an active alcoholic/addict. Despite the poor choices she continues to make in her life, I no longer get caught up in her disease, and go on about the business of living my own life.

Please keep posting, ask any questions you may have, and again, welcome. :ghug :ghug

prodigal

Until he takes action, his words are nothing more than empty promises. I've heard it countless times, "I have a drinking problem," "This drinking is killing me." Yet nothing constructive is actually done to work on the problem.

There are people who end up with all sorts of health issues after living with the stress of alcoholism. Living with anxiety is no way to live. That's why you have to take care of YOU. I've known that anxious, gut-wrenching feeling. And I DO have health issues after being exposed to the A for so many years. It can get better for you, regardless of what he chooses to do with his life.

GiveLove

Kristmay, I'm so glad you found us. Please read through the "Sticky" posts at the very top of the forum....there's a ton of wisdom up there. And do stick around. There's a ton of wisdom in here too! Al-Anon was helpful to me to get started on the road to sanity again, and it's funny: it was my health and premature aging that finally was the last straw too. I kept thinking: "he is going to drink himself to death, or go off and leave me for some other drunk when I ask him to stop, and I'll be stuck with this chronic fatigue syndrome, high blood pressure, cancer, or worse! How fair is that???"

There's an expression we use here: Let go or be dragged. I didn't want to be dragged into his awful unhealthy choices any more. I let him go, let him make his own decisions, and I made mine. And I have never been happier than I am now. It was an act of self-preservation.

Congratulations on your first steps toward your own "recovery" !!
GL

ItsmeAlice

Our stories are similar in many ways. I have been with my ABF for just over 10 years as well. His drinking has had various patterns over the years. Sometimes things slow down and I think our relationship could be salvaged, and then he binges again, or becomes chronically agitated and angry and nothing I say or do can resolve the tension.

My ABF has acknowledged a problem and agreed to counseling and help before. I've learned these were just words to quiet me and get me off his back so to speak. He has since denied it all and refuses to change.

You are not alone!

Welcome to the forum. I wish we all didn't have to be here, but since we do, I am so glad we are all here together. :ghug2

Keep reading. Keep posting. Try to smile.

Alice

kristmay

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I’m dreading going home after work today and finding him either passed out or actively drinking. We have two cats, one who is very sick and requires medication twice a day. I’m telling myself that that’s the only reason why I’m going home instead of to stay with a friend...because the cat needs her medication. But I’m also wondering if I’m using that as an excuse because I’m not ready to leave just yet. I keep hoping that he will change. I keep waiting for him to hit rock bottom, which I’m so afraid for him, will be death and then it’s too late. I’m hopeful that al-anon and one on one therapy will help me get over the guilt I feel.

GiveLove

Hugs to you, ((( kristmay ))).

Have you ever read the book "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie? A lot of us here have read it and recognized ourselves in it. The guilty feelings can be very strong when we have taken it on ourselves to make somebody well....when we set ourselves up as Superman and think that if we just act, speak, and behave a certain way, they will choose to get help.

Logically, you can try to look at it this way: He is an adult. This is his life. He is making his own choices, even though you may find them very, very sad. There is nothing -- NOTHING -- you can do to change this. Nothing. Alcoholism is bigger and badder than all of us here. Only its sufferer holds the weapons that can beat it.

But I know the heart doesn't always speak fluent "Logic". Al-anon and counseling on codependency issues really opened my eyes to just how much pressure I was putting on myself to solve all of 'his' problems, take responsibility for 'his' cr@ppy choices, etc.

When that veil of guilt was lifted, I started to find my own happiness again. It was like a thousand-pound weight removed from my chest. I can only hope you find the same.

We're here if you need us :ghug3

allycat1700

although my abf's choice is not alcohol...i feel your pain. he was clean for 89 days and relapsed...all i could do was be angry when he wanted support... now he's angry with me being angry... i hope to find some strength here as well

justtired

Hi Kristmay. Sounds like we are in similar situations as well. My abf progressed from alcohol to prescription meds. When I thought he was finally done with the alcohol, I learned in a very hard way that he was abusing his medications as a replacement. I've been with him for 9 years and I'm 31 also. I feel like it's a hard age to be going through this because I don't feel like I have the time to wait around and see if he's going to seek out help... but have enough time invested that it's hard to just let go too. Good luck with both alanon and with your personal counseling. I think that you will be amazed at what you see when these things help you to open your eyes and take a look at YOU. Not saying that it makes it easy because I sure as heck am being dragged because I can't seem to let go. But I have learned so much about myself and plan to keep learning. Good luck to you!