What to do...
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Woodland, CA
Posts: 27
What to do...
Finally, after years of the kind of alcohol abuse that must surely be killing him, my AH admits that he is an alcoholic. He spends the weekend calling everyone he knows and telling them his situation. He tells me he is considering checking into a inpatient facility. This is good news, except that while he is calling everyone he is getting drunker and drunker. He tells me how scared he is, how he'll probably need to go away for a while. I say, I am here, I will support you, it's the right thing to do. Then he sneaks up to his office and closes the door and comes out even drunker.
He says he wants family time with me and the kids on Sunday, I say "not if you are drunk." He says he won't be, but he is, so I confront him and he says I'm a jerk and I don't understand and I'm just being cruel... He then stomps off for a nap, wakes up sober-ish. We go out for ice cream, we come home, he talks to a friend who has recently gotten out of rehab, he is serious and morose. He knows he just has to go to rehab, but mostly he feels like he needs to sleep. He goes to bed early. Wakes up this morning, goes into his offices closes the door for a moment and then leaves for work.
I can't help it, I go into his office to see how much alcohol is in there. He's got a HUGE bottle of vodka (half gallon???) and it's half gone.
My instinct is to try and find some inpatient facility options for him, but theres another part of me that feels like I'll be wasting my time. What I want to do is dump that bottle of vodka, but I know that won't help either, b/c I'm sure he knows where to get more. I'm thinking he hasn't reached his bottom yet.
Arrgghhhh!!! This is really motivating me to work on my "plan" for my future. Trying to find childcare so I can get to an Al-anon meeting today.
Babs
He says he wants family time with me and the kids on Sunday, I say "not if you are drunk." He says he won't be, but he is, so I confront him and he says I'm a jerk and I don't understand and I'm just being cruel... He then stomps off for a nap, wakes up sober-ish. We go out for ice cream, we come home, he talks to a friend who has recently gotten out of rehab, he is serious and morose. He knows he just has to go to rehab, but mostly he feels like he needs to sleep. He goes to bed early. Wakes up this morning, goes into his offices closes the door for a moment and then leaves for work.
I can't help it, I go into his office to see how much alcohol is in there. He's got a HUGE bottle of vodka (half gallon???) and it's half gone.
My instinct is to try and find some inpatient facility options for him, but theres another part of me that feels like I'll be wasting my time. What I want to do is dump that bottle of vodka, but I know that won't help either, b/c I'm sure he knows where to get more. I'm thinking he hasn't reached his bottom yet.
Arrgghhhh!!! This is really motivating me to work on my "plan" for my future. Trying to find childcare so I can get to an Al-anon meeting today.
Babs
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Babs, an Al-Anon meeting might help you to settle your wild and frazzled thoughts right now. I hope you're able to go and find some face to face support. It always helped me SO much.
You didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
I hope he does decide to seek help, but more than that, I hope you decide this isn't how you want to live. You seem so unhappy.
You didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
I hope he does decide to seek help, but more than that, I hope you decide this isn't how you want to live. You seem so unhappy.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
If he is serious about wanting to seek sobriety, he knows what to do. It doesn't include getting even more drunk. If he wants to get into rehab, he knows how to use the phone to find one.
Perhaps, if you feel you have to do something, give him a list of the local AA meetings. But only he can decide if he really is gong to seek sobriety. Remember actions speak much louder than words.
Take care of yourself. Find a way to go to Alanon for yourself.
Perhaps, if you feel you have to do something, give him a list of the local AA meetings. But only he can decide if he really is gong to seek sobriety. Remember actions speak much louder than words.
Take care of yourself. Find a way to go to Alanon for yourself.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by Barbara52 
If he is serious about wanting to seek sobriety, he knows what to do. It doesn't include getting even more drunk. If he wants to get into rehab, he knows how to use the phone to find one.
Perhaps, if you feel you have to do something, give him a list of the local AA meetings. But only he can decide if he really is gong to seek sobriety. Remember actions speak much louder than words.
Take care of yourself. Find a way to go to Alanon for yourself.
Perhaps, if you feel you have to do something, give him a list of the local AA meetings. But only he can decide if he really is gong to seek sobriety. Remember actions speak much louder than words.
Take care of yourself. Find a way to go to Alanon for yourself.
I do however, agree with you 100% in your post, what you have to say.
I went on a week long bender when I realized I needed to get sober, it actually helped me reach "my bottom" more completely.
Hopefully that's what is going on with your husband Babs
Keep posting, keep hitting those meetings, my prayers to you and your family.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Oh I can so relate to your situation. I remember well the 'hiding the vodka' in a work file cabinet phase.
My AH was a master at hiding his drinking and any evidence, and since I had put in a no drinking boundary for our home (after finding his carefully hidden stash he had kept for years in our garage) ... he started secretly drinking at the office. What a nightmare!
He went about 2 months of being incoherent during the work day and blamed it all on the new antidepressants he was talking. He ended up having a horrible 90 minute meltdown at the office, screaming and hitting his head against a wall and was taken away by the police. While he was gone, we found 2 bottles of vodka in a file cabinet ... amazing for someone that insisted he wasn't drinking. We came to the conclusion his unusually bizarre behavior came from combining alcohol with an antidepressant ... and he also realized he couldn't handle vodka. He did hit a small bottom after this incident, admitted he had a 'drinking problem' ... and swore he gave up drinking. However, he was actually secretly drinking mouthwash for another 3 years ... until he hit his next bottom. Finally, for the first time in his life, he finally admitted he was an alcoholic. It was at this point he made his first real effort to go to AA and stayed sober for about 2 years.
At least for my AH, admitting he was an alcoholic was a turning point for him after years of daily alcohol abuse. He knew he needed help getting and staying sober, so he took AA seriously, went to meetings to keep him on track and for the first time in 20 years he stopped drinking. It was his strong desire to rebuild our family that motivated him ... especially since I absolutely refused to let him live with us if he was drinking. We had a good couple of years and began to feel like a real family, before he relapsed again - but it was the only time he ever got sober. Tragically, his relapse and long term abuse of alcohol did eventually take his life.
Admitting to being an alcoholic is a significant, but he must walk the walk ... not just talk the talk. It is heartbreaking when you feel your family is falling apart because of this horrific addiction. Good luck ... hope your husband gets the help he needs and you can find peace for both you and your children.
My AH was a master at hiding his drinking and any evidence, and since I had put in a no drinking boundary for our home (after finding his carefully hidden stash he had kept for years in our garage) ... he started secretly drinking at the office. What a nightmare!
He went about 2 months of being incoherent during the work day and blamed it all on the new antidepressants he was talking. He ended up having a horrible 90 minute meltdown at the office, screaming and hitting his head against a wall and was taken away by the police. While he was gone, we found 2 bottles of vodka in a file cabinet ... amazing for someone that insisted he wasn't drinking. We came to the conclusion his unusually bizarre behavior came from combining alcohol with an antidepressant ... and he also realized he couldn't handle vodka. He did hit a small bottom after this incident, admitted he had a 'drinking problem' ... and swore he gave up drinking. However, he was actually secretly drinking mouthwash for another 3 years ... until he hit his next bottom. Finally, for the first time in his life, he finally admitted he was an alcoholic. It was at this point he made his first real effort to go to AA and stayed sober for about 2 years.
At least for my AH, admitting he was an alcoholic was a turning point for him after years of daily alcohol abuse. He knew he needed help getting and staying sober, so he took AA seriously, went to meetings to keep him on track and for the first time in 20 years he stopped drinking. It was his strong desire to rebuild our family that motivated him ... especially since I absolutely refused to let him live with us if he was drinking. We had a good couple of years and began to feel like a real family, before he relapsed again - but it was the only time he ever got sober. Tragically, his relapse and long term abuse of alcohol did eventually take his life.
Admitting to being an alcoholic is a significant, but he must walk the walk ... not just talk the talk. It is heartbreaking when you feel your family is falling apart because of this horrific addiction. Good luck ... hope your husband gets the help he needs and you can find peace for both you and your children.
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