Help - I just forced my AH to leave...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
My advice to you is this:
A) stop berating yourself for not leaving sooner...there was a reason you didn't leave back then: you hadn't hit your bottom AND something else was meant to happen (the birth of your youngest). It was a journey you were meant to be on in order to truly understand how toxic your relationship with your AH is.
B) stop listening to WORDS. Words don't mean jack sh*t. Actions are what speak. If your AH truly wanted things to change, he would have DONE something by now. At this point, all he wants is for the status quo to remain, so that you can continue to enable him and he can continue diving head first into a bottle.
IF, and only IF, your relationship with your AH is meant to be, it'll happen, through hard work and nothing else. No amount of pretty words, pathetic begging, promises already broken before even being uttered, will make that happen.
IMO, it's time to just block your ears and go "lalalalala" to his pleading/begging/excuses and start thinking about what's good for your kids. What are they learning about human relationships by growing up in an alcoholic household? Protect your children. They've got no one else but you.
A) stop berating yourself for not leaving sooner...there was a reason you didn't leave back then: you hadn't hit your bottom AND something else was meant to happen (the birth of your youngest). It was a journey you were meant to be on in order to truly understand how toxic your relationship with your AH is.
B) stop listening to WORDS. Words don't mean jack sh*t. Actions are what speak. If your AH truly wanted things to change, he would have DONE something by now. At this point, all he wants is for the status quo to remain, so that you can continue to enable him and he can continue diving head first into a bottle.
IF, and only IF, your relationship with your AH is meant to be, it'll happen, through hard work and nothing else. No amount of pretty words, pathetic begging, promises already broken before even being uttered, will make that happen.
IMO, it's time to just block your ears and go "lalalalala" to his pleading/begging/excuses and start thinking about what's good for your kids. What are they learning about human relationships by growing up in an alcoholic household? Protect your children. They've got no one else but you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1
Hi Happy, ( Do you mind if I call you "Happy"? 
).
I registered today to drop by your thread. I've read and lurked about forever, having a difficult situation to navigate myself just now, I come here more often lately. So thank you for inspiring me to (finally) participate!
Please bear with the story I need to tell, I do have a point (lol!), that relates to your situation.
I recently quit smoking using e-cigarettes. This is the only thing that has ever worked for me. In the beginning, I struggled, A. LOT, with cravings... And then I had an epiphany: I heard an old saying that goes,
"If you change the way you look at something, the thing your looking at changes."
I realized that each time I felt the urge to smoke, I had been saying to myself, " I really want a cigarette, but I will not smoke one."
This was only serving to reinforce that, "I" was a "smoker", and adding deprivation to the equation! ( as in "I am a smoker, but I will deprive myself from now on")
Then I changed the way I spoke to myself. When I had a craving, I simply stated, " I don't smoke. ( as in, "Oh. wait...what's that... craving? oh... well. I don't smoke. Moving on now"...)
Amazing how much BETTER I started to feel about myself! Every time I said, I don't smoke, I not only felt so good about that, but also I was not "depriving" myself of anything. As a non-smoker I did not NEED a smoke!
I have been smoke-free ever since. (three months, no relapse).
I share this with you, because I wonder if it might help you, to "look" at your self differently. As partners of A's we are often told/given messages, that we are to blame in so many ways... We are the guilty, controlling, nagging, kill-joys and on&on&on... Our addicted partners often view us as either, "Savior, or Demon, depending on the state they're in. It would be little wonder if we see ourselves that way sometimes.
I wondered to myself, after I read your post, what kinds of things you say to yourself...Are they things you think you husband IS thinking? Are you feeling what you think HE might be feeling? I know I did that a lot.
I was thinking perhaps it would help you, if you could say to yourself,when you start to feel like the "Bad Guy": " I am a loving person, I am doing loving things for this family". (Love is not always easy, sometimes the hardest thing, is the most loving choice).
God I hope that made some sense!
).I registered today to drop by your thread. I've read and lurked about forever, having a difficult situation to navigate myself just now, I come here more often lately. So thank you for inspiring me to (finally) participate!
Please bear with the story I need to tell, I do have a point (lol!), that relates to your situation.
I recently quit smoking using e-cigarettes. This is the only thing that has ever worked for me. In the beginning, I struggled, A. LOT, with cravings... And then I had an epiphany: I heard an old saying that goes,
"If you change the way you look at something, the thing your looking at changes."
I realized that each time I felt the urge to smoke, I had been saying to myself, " I really want a cigarette, but I will not smoke one."
This was only serving to reinforce that, "I" was a "smoker", and adding deprivation to the equation! ( as in "I am a smoker, but I will deprive myself from now on")
Then I changed the way I spoke to myself. When I had a craving, I simply stated, " I don't smoke. ( as in, "Oh. wait...what's that... craving? oh... well. I don't smoke. Moving on now"...)
Amazing how much BETTER I started to feel about myself! Every time I said, I don't smoke, I not only felt so good about that, but also I was not "depriving" myself of anything. As a non-smoker I did not NEED a smoke!
I have been smoke-free ever since. (three months, no relapse).
I share this with you, because I wonder if it might help you, to "look" at your self differently. As partners of A's we are often told/given messages, that we are to blame in so many ways... We are the guilty, controlling, nagging, kill-joys and on&on&on... Our addicted partners often view us as either, "Savior, or Demon, depending on the state they're in. It would be little wonder if we see ourselves that way sometimes.
I wondered to myself, after I read your post, what kinds of things you say to yourself...Are they things you think you husband IS thinking? Are you feeling what you think HE might be feeling? I know I did that a lot.
I was thinking perhaps it would help you, if you could say to yourself,when you start to feel like the "Bad Guy": " I am a loving person, I am doing loving things for this family". (Love is not always easy, sometimes the hardest thing, is the most loving choice).
God I hope that made some sense!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Congratulations. What a wonderful and difficult decision you made for yourself and your children. You could not have done a more caring and loving thing for your kids.
Well done!
Now, whatever you do, don't be manipulated into going back. You know enough now to know better. Be strong.
Cyranoak
P.s. If the marriage was a sham, it was because of him, not you.
Well done!
Now, whatever you do, don't be manipulated into going back. You know enough now to know better. Be strong.
Cyranoak
P.s. If the marriage was a sham, it was because of him, not you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 49
Wow - how do you all get so smart?! Seriously! I can't tell you how much your support means to me right now. This sight is so amazing - it's truly invaluable to be able to be understood.
kittykitty, I laughed and cried when I read your post. You are so right; none of us are idiots! Of all the posts I have read over the years I have never once thought anyone was an idiot. Interesting how I was so quick to judge myself that way. Congrats to you for leaving and finding (and keeping) the strength to choose you.
noday, you are so right. My kids come first! I grew up in an alcoholic family (my dad is an alcoholic) and I would never wish on my children to grow up the way I did. I need to stop the cycle. When you mentioned lalalalala - I have to share - my 10 YO son did just that to AH a couple weeks ago. I am not one for EVER encouraging disrespect but I could totally relate to how he felt! I had wanted to do that so many times I just didn't because I didn't want to deal with the backlash. Let's just say it was not a good outcome for my son. No physical abuse just words that cut like a knife!
Safegaurd, you can certainly call me happy - one day I truly will be! I like your advice and I'm going to use it. I did the same the with smoking three years ago and have never wanted one since. I think it is a great idea to apply the same logic to this situation. Plus, over the years I have developed an amazing ability to use my "on/off emotion switch" very effectively.... I'm glad to you joined and hope that you are getting much out of this site. I know that it has been incredible for my sanity over the years.
Cyranoak, thank you for reminding me - for the kids! The most important part of the equation. And you are right; it's not my fault the marriage was a sham. I just need to move on.
So, as I am writing I receive a text from my sister-in-law (AH's brother's wife) and she asks if we want to go to a waterpark on Easter weekend... I guess the discussion I had w/ AH on Wednesday night has not been relayed to his side of the family which means he totally believes I am going to give him another chance! What part of "I filed for divorce today" is he not getting?! Crap - now on top of it all I get to tell his family too? Our temp hearing isn't scheduled until 4/14 so it's not like I can blow her off!
I'm sticking to my guns!!!!!!
kittykitty, I laughed and cried when I read your post. You are so right; none of us are idiots! Of all the posts I have read over the years I have never once thought anyone was an idiot. Interesting how I was so quick to judge myself that way. Congrats to you for leaving and finding (and keeping) the strength to choose you.
noday, you are so right. My kids come first! I grew up in an alcoholic family (my dad is an alcoholic) and I would never wish on my children to grow up the way I did. I need to stop the cycle. When you mentioned lalalalala - I have to share - my 10 YO son did just that to AH a couple weeks ago. I am not one for EVER encouraging disrespect but I could totally relate to how he felt! I had wanted to do that so many times I just didn't because I didn't want to deal with the backlash. Let's just say it was not a good outcome for my son. No physical abuse just words that cut like a knife!
Safegaurd, you can certainly call me happy - one day I truly will be! I like your advice and I'm going to use it. I did the same the with smoking three years ago and have never wanted one since. I think it is a great idea to apply the same logic to this situation. Plus, over the years I have developed an amazing ability to use my "on/off emotion switch" very effectively.... I'm glad to you joined and hope that you are getting much out of this site. I know that it has been incredible for my sanity over the years.
Cyranoak, thank you for reminding me - for the kids! The most important part of the equation. And you are right; it's not my fault the marriage was a sham. I just need to move on.
So, as I am writing I receive a text from my sister-in-law (AH's brother's wife) and she asks if we want to go to a waterpark on Easter weekend... I guess the discussion I had w/ AH on Wednesday night has not been relayed to his side of the family which means he totally believes I am going to give him another chance! What part of "I filed for divorce today" is he not getting?! Crap - now on top of it all I get to tell his family too? Our temp hearing isn't scheduled until 4/14 so it's not like I can blow her off!
I'm sticking to my guns!!!!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Congats on taking decisive action.
My suggestion is that you text back the sister and tell her that it won't be possible because of a family situation that you think your husband needs to be the one to discuss with her.
It's tempting to get "your version" out there first, but the family will either recognize the truth or they will not--either way, you can't be accused of "badmouthing" him to the family or usurping his place to tell them exactly what's going on.
I think it's only fair to reply immediately, though, so she doesn't count on your being there. If she asks why, just say you think it's best if your husband explains it to her, and leave it at that.
My suggestion is that you text back the sister and tell her that it won't be possible because of a family situation that you think your husband needs to be the one to discuss with her.
It's tempting to get "your version" out there first, but the family will either recognize the truth or they will not--either way, you can't be accused of "badmouthing" him to the family or usurping his place to tell them exactly what's going on.
I think it's only fair to reply immediately, though, so she doesn't count on your being there. If she asks why, just say you think it's best if your husband explains it to her, and leave it at that.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
HF... I'm right there with you. Initially my AH's family and I were talking about all that was going on, and this week I decided to cut the discussions. He can talk to them about what is/isn't happening. I'm staying out of his family.
I'm sticking to my guns too. No going back on the merry go round.
I'm sticking to my guns too. No going back on the merry go round.
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