TakingCharge999

Aww, that's nice!! The guy I saw yesterday went to my home for me, and OPENED THE DOOR of his car.

Its great that we can talk about those nicer guys, if only for one thread,

I thought I would never date again, , but if HP is sending me cute guys, well... who am I to go against HP.. LOL

tallulah

The only thing I'm wary about is what I think went so terribly wrong with my ex. I think he truly wants a grounded loving relationship and did the fake it to make it thing. That coupled with the 'I'm an alcoholic/He's an alcoholic' reasoning when some of the manipulations etc. came out made the listening to the little voice inside more difficult. But I guess having gone through such a relationship can only teach you lessons and finely tune your ear to that little voice.

LovesAlluNeed

Wow..... you sound like an exact reproduction of myself it's creepy!

Not so lucky as you yet in some respects- my current bf is an addict.

However, I have experienced all kinds of relationships- gone from good ones to bad ones, and bad ones to good ones. I too have always fell "head over heels" for the guy... the guy before my bf I knew for 2 weeks and we moved in together to only end up breaking up 1 year later. It was a disaster and a learning experience.

I always wonder why we choose the people we do to love. Especially, people like me who have been through every "type", yet I am still unsure of what I want. It's quite discouraging.

ToughChoices

So, Andrew, I read your post and here's the deal:
I have always been a 100% touchy-feely, neck nuzzling, bottom-pinching, cuddle on the couch, talk to me, sing to me, BE with me kind of girl.
I love public displays of affection. I love admiring eyes. I love compliments. I love text messages at 7 am.

BUT.....These traits/loves got me into BIG trouble with STBXAH!

So, I'm a little freaked out.

I think I'm kind of wondering if liking all that stuff is part of my codependence?
Because when I think of my desire for physical affection and attention as originating from a place of fear and a desire to be needed, it makes me want to run from anyone willing to participate in that dance with me. Like, maybe the "healthy" thing is a distant, self-sufficient, "take me or leave me" kind of guy.

But, when I think of my desire for physical affection and attention as a PART of who I am, a piece of my unique, beautiful self, well....I'm pleased as punch to be kissed, cuddled, called, and PURSUED. It feels damn good, and it meets some very important needs.

Let's just say that this situation is confusing, fun, and exciting. I'm learning a lot about myself!

Typing this out, I'm realizing that I'm spending too much time trying to figure out what MIGHT possibly happen in the future, what this man MAY subconsciously be trying to achieve by being so nice to me (is he trying to lure me into a life of care-taking and dependence?), etc...

I'm going to give some good old-fashioned fun a whirl around the dance floor, keep an open mind, and mix things up if I start to feel uncomfortable.

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts/stories/help!
I love you guys!
-TC

TakingCharge999

We love you too TC
:ghug2
Its great to hear you are doing so well !! Really inspiring!!

blessed4x

TC....I just want to say that you ALWAYS give me something good to think about! I enjoyed all of the commentary, but given the fact that I am just filing this week the very THOUGHT of dating makes me want to run screaming from the building with my hair on fire, and then lose my cookies.

I'm sure I'll get there though, and when I do I'll probably be searching for this thread!

Ago

yeah, I don't know TC, there really is a fine line between all of this healthy/unhealthy behavior, clingy/needy vs. Affectionate, love vs hate

I heard this share, this girl was doing her fifth step, she had to write down all of her character defects.

She shares, "I thought those were all the quirky little things that made me unique, special and charming, and I find out all they are is CHARACTER DEFECTS???????"

I do truly think that like codependency, there can be levels of "sharing and caring" or whatever you want to call them, cuddly behaviors, that are healthy and normal.

Like with Codependency, for me, if I do a loving act and I am not invested in the result, it's not "gifts with strings", or a hidden attempt at manipulation or behavior modification, it's healthy.

If it's not a "clean" action, it's codependency.

Two identical actions, one healthy, one not.

I wonder what the "rules" and red flags are with public displays of affection/hand holding/ making out on the couch etc are.

I mean there absolutely is a fine line between "needy" and affectionate. I don't know, but I guess you can just "tell" on a gut level if someone is "needy" and "clingy" or just affectionate. I guess because you have pry the clingy girl off your arm with a shoehorn, maybe the secret is knowing when to let go. There are times when physical contact is appropriate, and the level of physical contact varies per situation. I think the same is true of "emotional contact", there are times when, in my opinion it's appropriate to make kissy faces, be entirely inappropriate, and times to put that shyte away.

So context is important. Time and place is important. I think "taking space" is appropriate and important.

Maybe there is no "right" or "wrong" I don't know, it truly might vary according to the individual within healthy parameters I mean.

We've all either dated or seen "neediness" and "clingy" in action, and it's never pretty.

Interesting, I'd be interested to see any professional input on this.

Well, I was always told to let the body get cold Hon, give it at least a few days :ghug3

ToughChoices

Or been "neediness" and "clingy" in action!

sunflowerintx

Very interesting, TC. Self awareness is an incredible gift.

I am also seeing & talking to a new man. I truly enjoy his company & I like talking to him. I have no expectations but he is the first guy to light a spark in me. I tend to lose interest fairly quickly because I was not healthy & wanted my STBX back every single time.

This time, I am not going back...man or no man. Nor will I settle for anything less than the respect I deserve.

Enjoy yourself....you are a true inspiration!!!

GrowingPains

I'm in a new relationship as well with a very affectionate (and attractive!) man. My axh was more of the distant type, so this is a new experience for me. I also questioned my enjoyment of all that affection, but came to the conclusion that it felt good and there's no reason I shouldn't simply enjoy the feelings.

Shivaya

Wow Toughchoices,

I can completely relate to your post. What a beautiful concept, to be totally honest and up front...why not?

It's so refreshing to be myself, and to be appreciated for being me. It's so refreshing to not try and be what I think he may want me to be. I am amazing. Just as I am.

As I know you are amazing. Just as you are.

There are great men out there, so very many, and I certainly do appreciate a great man!

Thank you for sharing!

Shivaya

GiveLove

So do I. But I love to BE this person -- be the giver of these things -- just as much as I love to be the recipient of it. I guess nowadays I aim for relationships where this is the natural, unforced, nonmanipulative dynamic, with appropriate adjustments for the personal preferences of my male counterpart In the past, my ego needed for me to be the recipient, not so important to be the giver as well. Where do your feelings lie on this continuum?

All will become clear in its proper time TC :ghug3

JoBloggs

Good for you TC! I love this thread and all the hope in it! And it really made me laugh... cos guess what? My AH of 13 years moved in with me the day after we met! If only I knew then what I know now...

Still Waters

The more I read about huggies and kissies, the more I'm liking the convent idea.

good_luck

Still Waters -- this seems reasonable! I should have clarified, I ended things with EXABF in August of 2007. This is the first time I am not squicked out by the idea of another actual relationship. Time alone was necessary.

Chrysalis123

Ok...Marriage crashed and burned 2 years ago, I have been separated for 16 months and divorced now for 8 months and I still feel like this. Maybe it is because I was in the relationship for 20 years...Good news is I am finally content to be with me and that is progress in my book!

ToughChoices

I love to give these things as well as receive them. Being only on the receiving end makes me feel lopsided and strange, and I start to question my "admirer"s emotional stability and look for ulterior motives.

I definitely want to be a giver and a receiver. That is ultimately where I will be most comfortable.

But right now even just accepting the affection is a bit odd - offering that kind of affection at this stage in the relationship makes me pretty uncomfortable. I'll have to be patient with myself - it just doesn't feel healthy to me to jump right into the "giving" part of that role. I recently ended a relationship dominated by my giving. It's going to take me a while to warm back up to this give and take process.

I guess if the man that I am seeing feels put off by my relative lack of reciprocation at this stage in the relationship, it's just a sign that we're not the most appropriate match right now. We'll see what happens!

-TC

CoDieNOmore

I have shared a lot of the negative side of my relationship with my bf. I would like to take a minute and share the good things.....
When he and I are together we just can't keep our hands off of one another. Not just sexually but the cuddling, holding hands, so forth and so on.
I'm learning that when things aren't easy I don't have to run. It is safe for me to get angry and express hard to deal with emotions.
It's like I'm learning for the first time to be a true adult in my romantic relationship. He brings out a lot of the good in me But also all my ugly stuff comes up too. The big change is that I'm working on the ugly stuff as it shows it's ugly face. And it is safe for me to do that....

I have really gotten a lot out of this thread....
Thanks....

LaTeeDa

FWIW, I don't think this topic is OT at all. It's about growth, and isn't that what we are here for?

I always go back to the biggest, most important, life-changing thing my counselor taught me--trust. It's about trusting yourself. Getting to a point where you believe in yourself enough to know when something is right for you, and when something isn't.

I ended up dating a guy a little over a year after I separated from my now-X. At first, he was sweet and attentive and showered me with attention. I was very flattered and enjoyed it immensely after being in an emotionally abusive situation for years. But, as time went on (a couple of months), I began to notice that he brushed off my opinions as "silly." He would try to talk me out of doings things I wanted to do if he didn't like them. He pushed a little too hard to move the relationship along. All of this, though, was still behind the ever-present flattery and attention. I was feeling very conflicted about all of it, so I sat myself down under a tree in the park and just thought about all of it. I adjourned the committee meeting in my head and listened to my small quiet voice. That evening, I called him and told him I didn't want to see him anymore and that I wasn't ready for the type of relationship he wanted. It felt really good to trust myself to do what was best for me.

A few weeks later, I met the guy I have been dating for almost two years. He is also sweet and kind, but he has no problem letting me be who I am. We still see each other about once a week, even though we have been dating for two years. There is no push to move in together or merge our lives any more than they already are. We normally speak on the phone every day, but if one of us is busy or tired and a call is missed, neither one gets bent out of shape, jealous, or possessive. It is by far the easiest, most enjoyable relationship I have ever been in. If, one day, it becomes something different in a way that it's not right for me, I know I will have the courage to let it go. And if, one day, it becomes something different in a way that is right for me, I know I will make the right decision about that, too.

So, what I'm trying to say is, don't worry so much about how it all might turn out. You will miss the joy of today if you fret too much about tomorrow. If it doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be. And there's not a thing you can do about it. Enjoy it for what it is, and trust yourself to make the right decisions when the time comes to make them.

L

LovesAlluNeed

.