ariesgirl

I made the decision about two weeks ago to attend Al-Anon, come here, and start looking after myself instead of babysitting/nursing AH. So on Friday night when AH started drinking, I came upstairs and watched a movie with the kids. Some of our friends (a husband and wife we have known since college) came by (around 9 p.m. when I was already dozing off). I didn't go downstairs, but later explained to them that I just can't be around my husband when he is drunk. I explained that I was not trying to be rude, and my husband and I were not fighting, but that I had to remove myself from an uncomfortable situation for my own sake (and to avoid the inevitable fight over why he is drinking, etc.). I have talked to this couple in the past about AH's drinking, when they broached the subject last year out of concern that he was drinking too much and too often. I guess that is why the response I got to my explanation really upset me.

The man of this couple told me that the reason AH drinks is because I am not a good enough housekeeper and do not do enough with the kids. He said AH has confided in him that all I do is work. This really hurt me because I did used to work at a law firm, and bring tons of work home with me, but I recently took a job with flexible hours, never more than 40 hours a week, no bringing work home with me, that allows me to do much more around the house, which I have been doing. Plus, before my career, I was a stay-at-home-mom for two years and AH still drank himself into a stupor! I tried to explain this to my friend, but it just made me more frustrated because he was insisting that I was doing something to make AH unhappy and therefore drink. Then he said that my house used to be such a fun place, but now it seems very cold and unwelcoming.

I just feel very hurt that one of the few people in my life who has noticed AH's problem would blame that problem on ME. Also, it is true that my house used to be the place everyone wanted to be -- everyone but ME! I hated having my home be party central, and no one ever came over just to watch a movie or have dinner! It was always just people sitting around the table drinking (guess who paid for the drinks?). And it is true that I have put a stop to that as much as I can by making it known that this is a home, not a bar. One thing I have done, that I think is a very positive thing, is to have Sunday brunch once a month. I cook great casseroles and breads, make gourmet coffee and invite everyone to come hang out. I do still want my home to be a welcoming place, I just don't want it to be the place people come for free drinks. My kids love the brunch, my girlfriends love it and a couple of them have taken to hosting a brunch on the Sundays when mine is not on. AH doesn't really stick around for it, even though my friends bring their husbands (it's not just a girl thing), and his friends have only showed up one time, for about half an hour (funny how when there is alcohol involved, they never want to leave my house).

I guess I just need some advice on dealing with these drinking friends. After last night's conversation, I know they don't understand the problem, and their goal is to get my house back to being the fun place, while my goal is to get my family healthy, starting with me. What does one in my situation do with the friends? Do I just limit my contact with them until they get the message that I am changing my lifestyle and, while brunch is acceptable, late night parties are not? I'm not going to have another conversation like the one I had last night, because I know the friend doesn't know what he is talking about (and probably none of them do), and I can't afford to feel bad and question all over again whether AH's problem is my fault. But I did feel rude for not coming downstairs, and want to know what more I can do to make it known that I will only be present when AH is not drunk, or being encouraged to drink.

A week ago, I would have written this in my journal and then wondered if I was the crazy one. I'm so glad I have a place to post this where I know people will read and understand. Thanks for reading.

Gabe

And he's saying that YOU are the problem because he doesn't want the endless drinking parties to end. I can almost guarantee you that you could become a Stepford wife, and your husband would keep right on drinking. An alcoholic will use any excuse they can find for their drinking. Making it "someone else's fault" absolves them from all responsibility for their actions.
Your husband's friends are probably in denial about his drinking problem because they don't want to lose their drinking buddy. You can't do anything to change their opinions on this subject. I think you know what the real deal is however.
I think your idea about brunches and early evening gatherings being acceptable, but late night "drink 'til you drop" parties have to end, is great. It is certainly possible to entertain in your home without it being all about drinking.
I'm sorry that you got such a narrow minded opionion from someone that you thought understood what was going on. Shake him off and keep on with what you are doing. I think you are on the right track.
Peace,
Gabe

smoke gets in my eyes

What to do about his friends? Nothing. He doesn't have any. Those aren't friends, they're drinking buddies, which is not the same thing. My last words to that motherless cretin would have been "I suggest you take in an AA meeting or two and listen to WHY it is people really drink... ignoramus."

Sorry. Can you tell that really burned me up? YOU are NEVER the reason he drinks. NEVER. Remember that. Your brunches sound lovely... can I come over?

HUGS!
Smoke

phoenix

Ditto to what Smoke said.I am an alcoholic as well as an Anon.And I can assure you that NO ONE could make me drink any more than they could make me stay sober.It simply does not work that way.Take care of yourself,

phoenix

EmotionalMeg

Hi Ariesgirl

I know this situation well

When my husband was activly using and drinking, there were a certain number of friends who came over on a regular basis. They hung out in the basement, drank their beer, smoked their drugs... and always wondered why I had such a problem with my husbands' "fun" time. And what I realized was that MOST of these drinking / partying buddies were addicts / alcoholics themselves. Of course they had issues with me!

There was a time where my husbands' disease was not as "active" and crazy, and we were able to be friends with couples in our town; we'd hang out at each others houses, have dinner, play cards etc. But eventually, my husband started leaving these get togethers to go find drugs and more booze - cuz as you know, one or two is never enough. It wasn't long before we stopped having friends over, and these friends stopped inviting us... THEY knew something was up... there were "normies" after all.

And now, my husband is 4 months sober.
He does not have the same friends he used to - funny how all those "buddies" stopped calling as soon as G stopped drinking and using. G knows that they were not really "friends"... but it took getting sober to teach him these lessons. G now has friends in the program, and friends from church, and friends who just don't drink (or ones who DO, but know and respect G enough not to drink around him)... He is beginning to realize what true friendship means. If these so called "friends" of his and yours told you that its YOUR fault that your husband drinks etc., than they are obviously not concerned about his well being (or yours) at all... Watch them dissapear sooner or later; it'll happen.

And you my dear? you have nothing to feel bad about. I think you know in your heart who is and is not "real" and "true" as friendships go... Try to keep your head up, and allow your Husband to find these things out for himself.

Take care
Meg

earthgirrl

I agree with everyone else here. Those people are not your friends and they're not your husband's friends. You can't "make" someone drink and you can't "make" someone not drink. What you can do is what you're already doing - making your home a Home instead of a place to party. Keep up the good work! In time you'll find new friends who won't expect you to play bartender. And what a great idea about the brunch!

lyn_blossom78

(((((((ariesgirl)))))))))

I am so sorry you had to deal with this guy after what you already go through! Oh, this really steams me.

The idea that he drinks because you don't keep your house clean? Pulllllleese! Now, does that make any sense at all? If you don't keep your house clean (which is nobody's business but your's) it's because you spend all your time earning the living and taking care of the kids, and all the things HE should have been helping with, since you have a full-time job. I, too, have heard this line--over and over. Perhaps not by my husband's friends, but by him. This comment came directly from your A. He just needs another excuse so he can stay in denial--and he just helped his friend come up with more excuses so HE can be in denial right along with him.

Trust me--no one understands unless they've lived with them!

You are doing great! Keep up the good work. Have a relaxing cup of tea--on me!

Hugs,
Lyn

gracie

I am learning the ins and outs of this whole thing as I read the posts but one thing I do know about is manipulation! How dare that 'friend' say such a thing - so, it's YOUR fault that your husband has the inability to control the quantity of liquor he pours down his throat? Give me a break. You have every right to disengage anytime you please and don't owe anyone an explanation. Sounds like the friend may have some denial issues brewing as well. The old adage that misery loves company is true. I can relate to your situation somewhat as I recently confided in a dear friend about my husband's excessive drinking. She really had no sympathy, instead told me that I have always had issues committing to one man and I am looking for reasons to get out of my marriage. I was insulted but then realized she is a person who smokes pot almost daily. She can make provisions for addictions as she has one herself, though she cannot see this as problematic. That same day was the day I returned to this site because I need the right kind of support, as do you. You should be commended for taking the strides to clean your life up, that's fine if the others want to stay in their personal ruts but you certainly don't have to witness it, much less FINANCE it. You know, this past weekend was the first weekend my A hubby and I did not spend time with 'friends' - all of our friends are partyers. I party right along with them most times but realized that that this seems to be the only common interest. Let the drinks flow and the good times roll...right? We stayed away from the BBQ on Saturday and the evening out at the bar. We rented movies, had breakfast with my folks and 'dried out' so to speak. I felt closer to him than I have in months. I am not suggesting we will never do things with these people again but it just didn't feel right. I can honestly say however that these people (with the exception of the 'pothead') would support him in his decision not to embibe, however, I know it would not be much fun for any of them. I equate this getting sober to growing up in a way. Life is always changing and we have to keep updating the 'computer' and keep changing too. This is how I am trying to 'pitch' it to my husband - seems less accusatory or demeaning than me telling him he's a drunk..
Anyway, you did nothing to cause the drinking and there's 2 other C's that I can't recall off the top of my head. Don't listen to that silliness!! Come here for reinforcement!! Stay away from nay-sayers!!!!

Wench

YARG!!!!! Boy does that sound familiar!!!! I used to get every excuse in the book as to why my drunkard drank. First it was "well maybe if you'd get a job I wouldn't be so stressed." (I have not worked for 6 months out of my entire life, which was when I had my daughter). Then it was, "well maybe if you had a higher paying job I'd not be so stressed and I'd drink less and be happier". (note that even when I wasn't "making enough" I was making more than him), then it was "maybe if you lose some weight I'd be happier and not drink so much" (I am far from being Miss Piggy, I'm a size 8). Then of course "if you cleaned more", "if you weren't so judgemental" BLAH BLAH BLAHDY BLAH!!!! He's given up that tactic now (although he'll test it out every now and again). My solution was to simply not let any of it bother me. Anytime he'd start, my reply would be "no dear, you're problem is your own it has nothing to do with me."

I pretty much don't explain diddly squat to anyone. Why should I? Who are they to dictate or judge me? I got asked Friday night if we were "having problems" my response was "no" "he knows to stay away from me when he's drunk out of his mind and we have no problems when he follows that".

We have a really good marriage when he's not trashed, he's kind and considerate, and we both do the same type of work, same interests, so we always have decent conversation. I simply refuse to engage in conversation with him when he's drunk, because when he's drunk he's not my husband, he's someone else completely and I just don't want anything to do with him then. If "our" friends think that's horrible then they can just bite me because I really don't much care what anybody else thinks of me.

phoenix

Oh honeys...close the treatment center doors,and cancel all future 12 step meetings!!The solution has been right under our noses all along!!! Why all we have to do is be good enough,and those poor mistreated alkies will never get drunk again!!

Can you give me an "Amen!!"


BWAAAAAA....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH


Next time someone tells you your A's drinking is your fault,give them a look of wide eyed innocence and say,"Really? He told me he drinks because all his friends are losers,and it's the only way he can stand to be around them!"

phoenix

EmotionalMeg

Phoenix!

You are baaaaad!!

Tee Hee :p

Meg

ariesgirl

Thanks for all your great responses, which reinforced what I knew in my heart but just really needed to hear! Incidentally, I did not spend the weekend moping, but instead went out and bought the latest Harry Potter book and read in my garden tub with a tall glass of tea. What bliss! I hope you all had great weekends, too.

JT

aries,

I am the bath babe around here....two thumbs up!!!

Jasmin/Vanilla is my fave right now!!

JT

LongStrangeTrip

This must be an issue with almost all spouses of A's.
For years it's always been about the "friendship" or "Buddy" thing. Of course, when he's sobor for a while, he doesn't have any friends which of course told me that they were never friends to begin with but he could never seem to see that.

My A has been through at least 4 groups of friends that were all drinkers over the duration of our marriage. It's always been a sore spot because I of course was always at the bottom of the list when the friends were around and the beer was flowing. Funny thing is, none of his "buddies" would ever even DARE to say such a thing to me because unfortunately, I have such a bad reputation for telling people what I think of them in the blink of an eye!LOL Well, let's just say I used to and it was all just a defense mechanism because I figured I got enough grief from my A, I sure didn't need it from someone else's!

I've blamed his friends to my A and to their very faces and yeah, I blew off a lot of steam but it didn't accomplish anything because he always took their side. I mean for goodness sakes! He couldn't lose his security blanket now could he? He still gets mad at me because I don't socialize with them at all if I can help it. He doesn't understand that they are not my friends and I have enough friends of my own that are tried and true.
Today, I know that I have to be true to myself and not go around these drunks just because he gets mad about it.
This is my life and it's also my home. If he wants them here, I take the kids and go out for the day. It's that simple.
It's not only that I don't want to be surrounded by it, I don't want our children to be either.

osier59

QUACK QUACK QUACK

YOU are not the reason he drinks. He drinks because he does, and probably because he's an alcoholic.

Please be sure to invite the wife of the Motherless Cretin who dared to say this was your fault to join us here. I imagine she is going to be in need of some AL ANON very soon. It sounds to me like her husband - your husband's "friend" is an insensitive moron and is probably a problem drinker as well.

BOY that makes me mad. Makes me want to kick him in the shins. You were surrounded by quacking my dear ariesgirl. I hope it makes it easier if you can hear them say "quack" instead of any real words. sounds like you handled it well and managed to take care of yourself in the midst of the madness.

YOU GO GIRL

HUGS
O59

lyn_blossom78

Oh Phoenix! That was great! I WILL be using that one! You can bet on that!

Good for you Ariesgirl! Hope you lived a princess existence for a little while--if only in your mind! You deserve it!

Hugs,

Lyn