Trying to set boundaries, am i being too hard?
 

I kicked my alcoholic husband out a week ago. I couldn't take the emotional abuse anymore and my 8 year old son deserves more from me than what i was giving him since i was so drained and depressed all the time. My husband says he knows he has a problem but other times he says its not that bad and there's nothing wrong with having a drink here and there. i'm about to the point of just filing for divorce and calling it the end becuz its so frustrating when he doesn't understand or see what he's put us through. I tried setting a boundary with him, i told him as long as he's been drinking i don't want to be around him, even if he just had one or two. He ended up coming over 3 nites out of the week after he'd been drinking and i had to argue with him and send him away. Yesterday he spent the day with me and didn't drink, so i thought. I found out at the end of the day that everytime he left he drank a beer or two. Today I tried explaining to him again my boundary, he had just come from the bar. He doesn't get it, he says he only had like 4 or 5 beers and he wasn't going to be mean so whats the prob? Am I being unreasonable or unfair? I just don't want to take any chances of going through the name calling, put downs and arguements anymore and i feel this is a way to keep that from happening.

I dunno if I'm the one that should really reply to this but a boundary is for you. It's not meant as a consequence for him. So have you decided what you will do when he crosses your boundary?

No boundary is unreasonable or unfair in my opinion. A boundary is a personal limit that one sets to define what behavior they will or will not tolerate.

No you are not being unreasonable or unfair.

He can't seem to stay within the boundaries. He was sneaking drinks every time he left yesterday. Therefore he can't come over anymore. End of story.

Your son deserves one sane and emotionally healthy parent. He's not it.

Are you attending Alanon for yourself?

:ghug :ghug

Nope, you are not being to hard. He wants to visit and see his son and you? No drinking before or during his stay, period. If he can't do that, then he can stay away.

Pretty simple really.

Boundaries are for you. There is no unreasonable - there is just your own preference, your own decision on how you want to live and what you're willing to put up with. It is not for anyone else to pass judgment on you - boundaries are very personal things, and everyone's different.

You gotta do what you gotta do. Me, I am really done with lying and deception in particular, and also with people who are simply unable to say "no" to alcohol. Sounds like you are too. Life's too d@mned short.

Take care of yourself now
gl
:hug:

I have to agree, you are not being unreasonable. Please stick to your boundry.

You have only been seperated a week. He is testing the waters (of what you will put up with). I would not allow him back over for a while (if at all).

Thank you for the encouragment everyone! I am sticking with my boundary. Its so frustrating that he doesn't get it! And I'm trying to get rid of the bitterness i feel towards him cuz I know its not a healthy thing for me to be hanging onto but thats hard too. My 8 yr old is from previous marriage and he doesn't care for my husband at all. I also found out that im about 10 wks pregnant and im worried about the health of baby cuz all the stress has really taken a toll on my body, haven't been eating well at all and smoking alot. I sure don't want to bring another child into this chaos so ive got to get myself together and seperate myself from his problems.

Please take care of yourself and your little one on the way.

Are you going to Al-anon? If you aren't I suggest you find a meeting. Try six out before you deside either way on it.

The people there will support you and help you find some peace.

OH and I wanted to add there are some good reads in the "classic reading" sticky at the top of this forum.

Two quick easy reads that helped me in the beginning are "Marriage on the Rocks" and "Getting them Sober". There is a lot of helpful info in them :)