I am at a loss with my drunk wife

Old 03-28-2009, 09:29 PM
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I am at a loss with my drunk wife

I am new to this forum but have visited a few times over the last year just to find out some information and read about others in my situation.

Not really to sure where to begin, but my wife who I love very much and is my best friend has a very severe drinking problem and I'm not sure what to do any more as it has gotten very bad over the last year. We live in Canada and although there are resources in our area, waiting lists and other sorted issues seem to be preventing her from getting the help she needs.

She suffers from anxienty and depression (still waiting for medication that works although numerous trials have failed and she is on a waiting list for a new doc) and we have a new little boy only 17 months old and is a bundle of action and a handful. It is my first, and her second and I work from home so we are together 24/7.

When we met she said she was a happy stay at home Mom that got things done and seemed okay. When we found out she was pregnant we were overjoyed and planned wedding, new home, etc in a very short time period and everything seemed okay.

It went downhill when we moved in together, she started drinking a lot and nothing was getting done. My work day from home was always interupted because she was unable to do anything. No trips to the store, no meals, no cleaning around, nothing. She hardly left the house unless it was to go to the liquor store or to buy cigarettes.

Now that I read what I am writing everybody probably thinks I'm a total idiot but after a long heart to heart we decided to move somewhere else and start over. It didn't work, the drinking continued.

It was so bad that my work product suffered and I was fired from my job and after a binge night of mixing her meds and then calling 911, I was arrested for domestic and taken away. She called her parents, friends etc and I was released on bail and had to go through the whole trial process further screwing up my ability to work (security clearance needed and pending criminal charge prevents that from passing) I stayed with my best friend during this time while she took care of my son. Although it was forbidden that we talk we actually did and she told me time and again that she was never going to touch the booze anymore and that when the ordeal was over that we could move forward and that she would be a better mother and wife and she apologized for calling the police and falsely accusing me of a crime. The whole thing took about 2 months, the charges were dropped entirely because my wife admitted she mixed her meds with alcohol and got angry with me and had a doctors note that decribed her condition, but I came back in the end to a different woman, the woman I met originally.

Then the drinking started again, small at first but then more and more to the point we are at now. Drinking from morning to night and not making any effort to try to get help because "everything fails".

Is there anybody else out there is a similar situation or is there some resource I haven't thought of? I need to get things on track for my family, I have to find a new job, but can't trust even going to a job interview without fear my wife will be too drunk to take care of our son, let alone work a normal job that doesn't involve me being here as "back-up" for even a simple diaper change.

Please no flaming, I'm not a wife abuser in any way...I can't raise a hand to anything and have not a violent bone in my body. In fact I consider it the most disgusting act of all, hurting someone you love. I just need some possibly helpful advice because I am considering taking my son and running but I'm not sure that is the right thing to do until I have tried everything possible.

Sorry for the venting but there was yet again another issue tonight and my wife is now passed out and I needed to say something and get my side off my chest.
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Old 03-28-2009, 09:43 PM
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First I would like to say welcome! You have come to the right place.
I am a recovering alcoholic and also a wife and a mother.
In my opinion, your wifes meds are not working because she is drinking. I suffer from depression and the alcohol just made the depression worse and kept any antidepressants from working. You could probably read the bottle and see that she should not drink with them. It is dangerous (as you have seen) and cause them to be ineffective.

There is a lot of help out there for an alcoholic that truly wants to get better. But she has to want this for herself. I attend AA and through working the program, my life and marriage is better than it has ever been. Here is a link for her if she wants help:
Welcome to: AA Canada .com - AA, Meetings, Drinking problem, Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, drinking problem,addiction,Alcoholic help,alcoholism help,treatment,addictions,support,drugs,drug additon,drug additions

BUT folks will be around shortly to talk about the other side, that is what you need to do for YOU and your son.

Please stick around, read and post. This site s a huge part of my recovery!
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Old 03-28-2009, 09:43 PM
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Vent away. That's what we're here for. We all need an outlet.

A very long time ago, I was married to a man who drank too much and smoked too much pot. I was the mother of a small child and a husband who acted like one. I had a job. He didn't. I mowed the lawn with my son strapped to my back because my lazy, drunk/high husband wouldn't mow the lawn and didn't want to "babysit" (as he called it).

I got out of that marriage....thank goodness. But it took time for me to get there. It was a decision I came to alone....without support of my family (they were 3,000 miles away).

You will come to your own decision in your own time. Stay or go......it's always a choice.........but never an easy one.

There are so many people dealing (or have dealt) with what you are dealing with. Stick around SR. There is great comfort knowing that others are dealing with this issue in their lives. Getting support from a local Alanon group or reading or hanging out here....it's all good.

gentle hugs
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Old 03-28-2009, 09:59 PM
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anewfather,

The thing about recovery is that your wife doesn't HAVE to have government help to do it. Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are free and exist all over North America. That she chooses not to get help is not the fault of waiting lists, but HER fault, HER choice.

I urge you to get help for yourself, learning as much as possible about your options and about how to survive alcoholism in a loved one. Al-Anon meetings were terrifically helpful for me, as were the "Sticky" posts at the top of this forum, and personal counseling to help get my thoughts, goals, and needs straight.

The only life you can control, unfortunately, is your own. If you have to find dependable child care while you're out interviewing, then you must do so. If you have to talk with an attorney about separating and getting custody of your son (for his own safety) then you must do that.

You cannot love her sober. You cannot force her to want recovery. And until she wants it, nothing will change for you. All you can do is stop wishing/hoping and start taking care of yourself. It's horrible, god I know. But you're in a really bad situation that you cannot control, and your path back to sanity depends on learning all you can about your options, and putting in place some boundaries about what you are and aren't willing to live with from your "best friend."

Sending you hugs, and wishing you luck. Please come vent any time. We're here.
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Old 03-28-2009, 10:24 PM
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My wife tried AA and although she doesn't know it I went to an Al-Anon meeting myself. In her case she met up with other drinkers that she knew in the past and they relapsed together, in my case it just didn't feel like the right place for me because everyone seemed so cut and dry..."leave her for your own sake"; I semi understand those thoughts now because nothing I seem to do works.

To address To Thine Own Self Be True, the meds aren't working because of the booze. It is actually on the label but even though I know that, it is near impossible to get her to actually see it. She makes the two week mark in all cases, feels better, and starts the whole cycle again.

For Kindeyes, similar situation, no local family. I moved here to be closer to my wife and her family and they deny anything bad.

For GiveLove, good childcare is really hard to come by. I used to be an executive and on a board of directors and living in downtown T.O. in Canada. Now my funds are next to nil after what I posted to above and all savings have been filtered for little one needs. Crib, car-seats, high-chairs...lol...everyone who has children knows the expenses. My real problem now is that I literally cannot predict whether or not I will have enough to simply pay rent now, let alone bills because my wife cannot understand the word budget because booze means more.

Still venting, sorry guys and gals.
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Old 03-28-2009, 10:34 PM
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One of the first steps that many people here are forced to do, in self-preservation, is to separate finances. Is she earning an income? Where does your rent come from? Does she have free access to spend anything and everything she wants on booze? And if so, why?

If you are able - and can find it in yourself - you've got to stop this speeding train or you will all end up on the streets. She should NOT be permitted to drink you into poverty. Protecting your bank account used for living expenses may be necessary.

You have some hard decisions ahead, newfather. I fear that without a self-protective stance soon, (even if it makes her mad) you could lose everything you've worked hard to build for yourself and your children.

This is the harsh side of recovery.......doing what it takes to protect yourself against alcoholism even though you still love the alcoholic. Sending you luck and strength to think outside the box and do what's right. This will not get better on its own.
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Old 03-28-2009, 10:53 PM
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anewfather,

As an alcoholic, I can only speak from my experience, but I had to hit a bottom.
My bottom came in a jail cell, after crashing my car into a fence with my 8 year old daughter in the backseat.

I would not want that to be her bottom.
Maybe her bottom is going to have to come with her losing her child. I hope not.

There is really nothing you can do except to take care of your son and yourself. You owe that to him and to yourself.
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Old 03-28-2009, 11:06 PM
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She earns nothing money wise. I all too often hear that taking care of the baby entitles her to half of everything because it is a job.

You did however hit the nail on the head, she does have free access to the money because I do not want the arguement as the arguement does affect my ability to actually do some work and earn money. I have already lost my overall stature and finances (never meant much to me anyway, I don't pat myself on the back for getting a promotion or raise - I really do enjoy the work)

I am hearing an overall theme though from all responders and I thank-you...self. I will sleep on it (stuck in the spare room with the computer for now listening for little one to wake up for bottle) and deal with it tomorrow.

To Thine Own Self Be True, I really hope that during your steps to recovery you didn't have to lose too much but am glad to here you are still in recovery. Kids are great.
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Old 03-28-2009, 11:13 PM
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No, I am very blessed! My daughter was fine. And I have not had a drink since the last one before I got in that car. That was almost 11 months ago. My husband is amazing and our relationship is better than it has been in 10 years. So yeas, we do recover!
But not without a lot of work!
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Old 03-28-2009, 11:28 PM
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Well that is a great recovery story. I myself am hoping for something similar (without the accident part though) It is nice to hear that there is a chance, but sadly I'm not too sure she can or wants to recover.

My absolute best to your family.
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Old 03-29-2009, 04:42 PM
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Originally Posted by anewfather View Post
Well that is a great recovery story. I myself am hoping for something similar (without the accident part though) It is nice to hear that there is a chance, but sadly I'm not too sure she can or wants to recover.

My absolute best to your family.
She must first realize she has has a real problem, and not just "lip service" to get you off her back. Then once she knows a definite problem exists she must want sobriety. Chances are if she is cushioned continually, that reason to get sober might be delayed a LONGGGGG time.

And YES, people do recover and there are happy endings.
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Old 03-29-2009, 05:36 PM
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so sorry about such difficult problems, newfather.

please never leave her in supervision of the children. the definition of addiction is that the addict cannot control when she drinks, where she drinks, nor how much she drinks. do not trust her promises not to drink. please.
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Old 03-29-2009, 09:16 PM
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Welcome!! Glad you are here! Many of us have been in the same situation you are in.

I all too often hear that taking care of the baby entitles her to half of everything because it is a job.
It doesn't sound like she takes care of the baby? It sounds like you do!

She must hit her bottom. You must get out of the way for that to happen

I found it helpful to read a lot about the disease in the beginning. "Marriage on the Rocks" is a good book and so are the "Getting Them Sober" series.

I would also give al-anon another try. Try to go to at least 6 meetings before you make up your mind if it is for you or not. Possibly try another meeting. You will find great support there. You my be able to hook up with another parent there and swap babysitting services.

Remember this is a disease. It is progressive. It gets worse. I didn't believe it when people on these boards told me that (I thought it was already really bad). BUT they were right. Things will happen that you could never imagine.

Take care of you and your little one

Keep posting!!!
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