Scared of Changes IF he gets sober...

Old 03-28-2009, 07:35 PM
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Scared of Changes IF he gets sober...

My husband is an alcoholic who has yet to even admit he has a problem. We haven't been married very long and have a beautiful baby together. His drinking increased dramatically several months ago after a health diagnosis. That part is a long story.

I never imagined my husband would ever be dishonest with me but lately he has been regarding his drinking. He has several health problems in which drinking could actually be very dangerous. His docs have been telling him he must stop drinking and I have been encouraging him for a long time to stop before it is too late. He always agrees with me and says he knows he has to stop and "I will"...but it never happens. He has been feeling horrible physically lately and hasn't left our house for days. He has been drinking heavily every day..which is how he deals with his failing health. I was shocked this afternoon to see him dressed and gathering up the car keys (he hadn't been drinking before driving, however.). I told him I was surprised to see him heading out and he said he wanted to pick up a Sunday paper...even though he was clearly feeling horrible. I knew he was really going out to get more beer and liquor. I just cannot believe it has come to the point in which he is lying to me.

I want him to stop more than anything but I also wonder what we, as a couple, will be like when he isn't drinking. I've never been with him more than a few days without drinking. I LOVE him when he is just "himself", as I say it. But I wonder how he will feel about us as a sober person.

Does this make sense?? Can anyone explain their experiences with this? I pray we can just start a new chapter together and I can get him to admit he has a problem before I lose him.

Clearly, I have many concerns...and my question today is just one of them.

Thank you for reading.
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Old 03-28-2009, 08:32 PM
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If you can, begin to take care of yourself. Try alanon, this will get your started. Remember you did not cause this, you cannot cure this and you cannot control it....no matter how hard you try.

I know from several years experience. He was the love of my life, and there is nothing I wanted more. I could separate the real him from the disease. It becomes very clear and sad once you can see it. I too, was madly in love with him. The problem...he loved the alcohol more than anything. Himself, me , his kids........it was his affair. Five years went by, I fell in love with someone else, as he, but we ended up trying again after he became sober when I left. It was not the same, and the magic died. He was very different,.........and so was I forever changed by all the pain and hurt. The magic was gone.......and all the crazies. What was left was not something for me.
I hope you find some peace for yourself......
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Old 03-29-2009, 06:08 AM
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Hi there, I too was worried about this, but it was worse keeping things the same and living with his drinking than worrying about what he'd be like sober. Al Anon teaches us to take things one day at a time, and I find that's very true. If I project too far into the future about what will be then I will paralyze myself from being able to act and live today.
He's been sober 3 months and in AA and I've been in Al Anon 7 months. We sleep in separate rooms (what spurred him into recovery). Things aren't great. We are friendly, take care of our daughter together, and are slowly working the uphill climb that is our relationship. I don't feel the same way that I used to, but trying not to come to a conclusion yet since we still are new to this. I don't know if I will ever love him again in a way that I once did, but I keep faith that maybe there is a new way of love that we'll find. Time will tell me if it won't happen and then I'll have to face that reality. But I do struggle with it, everyday. It's not easy, but I can never go back.

But, I think you're over-projecting and it may help to take baby steps. You say he's not even admitting a problem, so sobriety seems a long way off. First you have to deal with what is in front of you at the moment. And, you can't get him to admit anything - HE alone can do that. Believe me, we here have all tried, and it won't work. What you need to do is start taking care of yourself and as hard as it is, stop looking at him and what he needs to do. You can be supportive and encouraging, but THAT's all. Take care of you, take care of your baby first.
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Old 03-29-2009, 07:59 AM
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First of all, I don't see any indication in your post that your husband is trying to get sober. Basically, what that means to me is that you are sitting around making negative projections into the future -- and these are negative projections are not even based on your current troubling reality. They are negative projections based on an alternate negative reality -- and an alternate reality in which, in your imagination, you are trying to turn something potentially very positive (your husband's sobriety) into something problematic and negative.

Why? It sounds to me from what you've written that you've got plenty on your plate with what's actually in front of you right now. Why are you spending time and energy worrying about the future, let a lone a future as yet totally unconnected to your current reality? What are you getting out of spending your time and energy in this way?

There is a phenomenon common among people who are emeshed in someone else's alcoholism in which these people actually become, in a certain sense, "addicted" to the pain, drama, and chaos of their lives. They become suspicious of happiness and things going well in their lives and actually do things to sabotage and subvert good things that happen. When the pain and drama of their current reality is not enough of a "fix" for them, they either drag the pain and drama of the past into the present to obsess on and/or they imagine all the possible "wreckage of the future" and bring that into their current reality to live in their head rent-free.

You don't have to live this way! You have choices.


One of the truest and funniest things I've heard in an Al Anon meeting:

"I've lived through thousands of crises and catastrophes in my life, and a couple of them actually happened."

What do you suppose might happen if you tried to sit quietly and focus only on what you are feeling right now and what you want right now and what you might possibly be able to do to get it?

What so you suppose might happen if you sat quietly and really considered carefully what you can control and what you cannot?

What do you suppose would happen if you kept your mind out of the future and concentrated on doing the best you can to take care of yourself in your current reality, trusting that, if you do that, the future is sure to be much better than what it will be if you continue on as you are right now?

If any or all of this sounds hard, or impossible, or totally incomprehensible, then Al Anon (support for family and friend of alcoholics) would be a great place to learn how to do these, and many other, things that can lead you to a better life regardless of whether or not your A is still drinking and regardless of whether or not your A is still in your life.

Good luck -- freya
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