I spoke too soon..
 

I definately spoke too soon.

One minute I'm puzzled as to the lack of sadness at being out of the situation with the A... the next... I am angry at being in this position and him.. and the next, and I can't believe I'm saying this, missing him and wondering if he misses me, if he is sorry for what he did etc. etc.

Maybe I'm nervous of being out there again and looking towards the familiar. That and I did love him (still do in some ways and I know that is crazy considering what he has done to me). I also feel like I am damaged goods. Like who is going to want me with these physical and mental scars.

I'm a jumble at the moment. Crying as I write this. Probably not making much sense.

Hi tallulah,

It's normal to be upset over a breakup, and everyone is insecure when we experience change of this magnitude. Give yourself some time, and let those emotions out, you're not broken and when the time is right, I hope a new love will come into your life. We all have scars, some deeper than others.

(((((((tallulah))))))))

(((tallulah)))

You're going through the grieving process. Be kind to yourself, this will pass. You are not 'damaged goods'. You are a worthy loveable being who is in pain right now. Its completely understandable! :ghug3

thank you firestorm..

I shouldn't be upset. Or I don't feel like he has the right to any more of my tears or sadness. I loved that man, warts and all, wanted nothing more than the best for him, wanted him to find peace and start to believe in a life he said at the beginning he wanted with me. And for that love I was rewarded with grandiosity, judgement, criticism, indifference, derision and a glass thrown towards my head.. amongst other things.

thank you :ghug

Be kind to yourself.....you have been through so much, and you are not damaged goods. You are a human being worthy of love, peace, and joy! Take good care of yourself, you deserve it!

HG

Tallulah, there is not 'should' here. You are feeling what you are feeling. Grieve and let it go. Work those steps! Eventually, the love you described for your A will be the love you have for you!

thank you bookwyrm.. :ghug3

I suppose some of those comments he made, particularly during the last month before I was gone are playing in my head like a tape. He wanted me to leave feeling that I was disgusting and worthless: couple that with the physical scars he has given me and the tag of victim of domestic violence and I'm pretty much feeling exactly how he wanted me to feel.

It's funny, but when I met him I didn't feel I was not good enough for him or to be in a decent relationship. I'd had some time alone and had my life set up with apartment, job, car, social life. In fact I was pretty in demand. Cut to nearly three years later and I'm crying my eyes out in a friend's spare room the only thing left from my life pre A is my car.

I have to say it but.. WTF.. how did that happen! Well I know how it happened. I fell for the BS. I sacrificed and tried to make it work with a man who couldn't even bring himself to have me anything more than a lodger in his house. I fell for the fairytales of home together, commitment, kids, love. I believed the Walter Mitty rubbish.

Ok this is good.. now I'm getting back to pee'd off. I have to say I prefer that to missing the lame a$$.

My brother and a couple of my friends are saying exactly what I would expect in this situation.. something I may even have once said myself... 'Don't give this a'hole any more of your time, thoughts etc. Don't feel sad to have lost the relationship. Feel grateful you're out of it and moving on to bigger and better things while he is always going to be a sad f-up'.

Yeah I need to grieve. Other people don't understand it because they haven't been in my shoes. I'm glad I have you guys. :)

I am trying to be gentle with myself and show myself some love. I'm also trying to take compliments.. lol. I was having my stitches out yesterday and the Doctor that saw me and referred me for surgery popped his head around to say Hi and ask me how I am doing. So I said I'm ok and mentioned the cut on my face is scarring after all but not too badly. And he said, 'It's ok over time it will heal. You are still beautiful'. And you know what.. not one negative slant on that wonderful comment even entered my head. This morning as I looked in the mirror while brushing my teeth was a different matter however and I had a good old cry at the injury and was completely telling myself that no-one but no-one is ever going see past what happened to me that night. I know.. I'm stinkin' thinkin'.

Note to self: show T the same love others show her.

hi tallulah-

when i read your previous posts about not feeling anything towards ABF, i thought hmmm, she's probably still in shock.

i'm relieved to hear you are feeling again. of course you'll miss him. you lived with him for 3 years. however, in reviewing the good and the bad of the relationship, don't forget his indifference as to whether you stayed or not.

also, i relate very much to your before ABF/after ABF list. mine is the similar: before A, i was teaching at the college, owned my own home which was paid for, had my own car, a caravan at the shore, owned a rental property, etc. etc.

now, i'm penniless with no assets.

thinking of you,
naive

Aww... that's a lovely thing to say.. thank you :ghug3

I'd probably not had enough time to even think about him. I think the shock started to wear off after the surgery and the pain and the realisation this is real started to kick in.

Now that the whirlwind of the last couple of weeks has calmed down I suppose I have had a little more space to reflect.

Missing him is a double edged sword to me. I suppose it is natural to miss someone who has been part of your life for a number of years. But it also feels a little unnatural to miss someone who despite knowing he has put me in hospital and scarred me for life hasn't made any attempt to let me know he is sorry. I know that has been hampered by the fact he is not allowed to contact me, but if I were in his shoes and unable to contact direct I'd at least try and see if he was doing ok and that I was remorseful. In fact I know he isn't. How the hell does my head (or my heart for that matter) justify feeling anything for such a cold callous creature. I suppose I need to take comfort that by feeling these feelings I am not like that.

Ah yes. The games he played when I said I was leaving. How could I forget? I suppose I can't seeing as they ended up with permanent physical reminders.

You know what niave.. we can get all of that stuff back and more. In fact I have already started and so have you. I do contract work and so I am self employed. I had some time off from doing that because of the uncertainty I was living in. Now, whilst I have none of the foundations I would ideally have liked to springboard myself back into life, I am actually on more level a foundation than I was when I was with him. I'm already looking at taking up contracts and I'm even looking at buying a new apartment. I had all this planned anyway and ok so the injury he caused me is a setback but it is not going to stop me getting what I need. And while I'm nervous of being out there in the dating pool again (probably because I don't want to end up wasting any more time on a lame duck) I am actually a little excited about getting dressed up, going out to dinner or a movie, first kisses... etc.

We can do this niave.. what is more we deserve it. :ghug3

Thinking of you too...x

Honey, you will feel what you fell when it comes up. And those feelings are likely to be all over the place and pop up out of no where sometimes. Its normal. Is ok. It's part of the healing process.

:ghug3

As a fellow survivor of domestic abuse, I can assure you, we are NOT damaged goods. We are children of God, deserving of love, kindness, and respect!

Sending you a boatload of gentle hugs from Kansas (currently in the midst of a spring blizzard)! :ghug :ghug :ghug

This all sounds so familiar. :(

I can relate to the "damaged goods" feeling tallulah, not in the physical way, but in the mental. After questioning your own sanity for so long, while they are messing with your mind, it's hard to get back on track.

And I definitely know that I'm damaged in some ways, I should take a good long time to trust my instincts on men, obviously. But rather than "damaged" I prefer to think of this as a learning period, a life lesson if you will. And I will definitely come out better in the end for it.

Sorry Freedom.. (and any other survivors).. I didn't mean that phrase to sound derogatory. It's just how I'm feeling sometimes. On the flipside sometimes I feel quite empowered. When I got out of surgery and in my post operative fug asked what the scar was like the surgeon said 'S' shape. And I thought yeah 'S' for 'survivor'. Even doped up with Morphine I felt like superwoman.. actually that was probably because of the Morphine... lol.

Thank you for the gentle hugs. :Val004:

:ghug

I'm remembering a conversation I had with a friend recently. They said 'You're o.k.. you just got lost in someone else's swamp for a while'. And I did. I think now about how I was trying to explain everything that was going wrong or that didn't feel right by only looking at myself and my past. The A never had to look at himself because I took the responsibility. I forgot that before him, whilst I had my share of frogs (doesn't everyone) I also had my share of Princes.

We're all 'damaged' in some way. No-one is perfect. It's whether we recognise the 'damage' and deal with it that matters. Like you said, learn the lessons. I'm going to be scarred, but it is those that make me human.

I suppose I'm projecting a little into the future. Note to self: stop that.

(((twinnie)))

This too shall pass. Feel your feelings. None of them are abnormal. You are a wise lady with a beautiful heart that someone was unkind enough to break, but all you are going through is part of healing. And we are here for you :)

I hope the answer to that question is that you want you. You are the one person who willl never leave you so be gentle with yourself.

((((tallulah)))))