tallulah

One day at a time, Freedom. :ghug That is my mantra at the moment. I am impatient and want to get cracking on the rest of my life but I'm all too aware of my limitations right now. And just as a side note I'm feeling pretty pee'd off that I am stuck in this situation watching my savings dwindle (self employed couldn't work for the last two weeks and probably for at least the next two) with a scar right across my cheek and a mashed up hand because of the actions of that idiot.. but I digress.

Whenever I need some clarity I'm just getting out and walking. Usually 5 minutes into it the fog clears. I couldn't today because my hand is number 10 on the pain scale (you know the feverish want to pass out kind of pain when you just want to rip the offending digit off) so I posted.

Oh I can't wait to get this hand back, the pain gone and do spontaneous.

Wascally Wabbit

In my case, I went through years of mourning before I left. By the time I did leave there were no more tears to cry.
I got my own place. The first night I stayed there, alone with PEACE, I was thankful I didn't stay any longer than I did.
I went through a little anxiety a little questioning myself wondering if I had only stayed...
But, here it is 3 years later and I am completely at peace. I still have an ex A mother to deal with, but no more living in the chaos and fear.

Glenna9802

Hey Lady, so glad to read you're doing well

Maybe the lack of contact is making it easier for you and giving you a chance to look at the relationship objectively rather than still being enmeshed in the whole thing?

In a Tailspin

I heard one time that seems to fit with what you are describing. It was actually in a pre-marriage seminar, funny enough. The instructor was saying that many people think that the opposite of love is hate. But hate is just redirecting that strong emotion in another direction. He said that, truly, the opposite of love is indifference - where there is no emotion for the other person. From the perspective he was teaching, he was saying that's when your relationship is really in trouble.......worse trouble to be indifferent to your partner than to feel that you hate them. But in your situation, I would say that's simply you being done.......deep down, decidedly done. In your situation and my opinion, this is a good thing - not something to worry about. Goodness knows you've got enough to worry about, girl.....no need to add this, too!!

tallulah

Hey twinnie :ghug

If you look at in the context of HP stepping in and doing what you need to keep you safe and in a place where you can think and process, then this is perfect. Pulled out of the madness, enforced NC on his part, surrounded by people in healthy relationships, time and space to look at it objectively..... etc.

tallulah

Awww thank you..

I've heard something like that before. That arguing and anger and 'hate' is another form of intimacy. And it makes sense. Hate is a negative emotion but it is strong and pre-supposes some feeling and that you care enough to hate.

Yeah.. I think that's it.. I am done. I don't know why he did what he did and I probably never will... but there is nothing more motivating than someone doing something to cause you harm without any thought for your welfare. If you are in any doubt about someone's feelings towards you, throwing a dangerous missile in your direction and causing you injury, damage and pain kind of galvanizes the thought that they really are not worth it.

LaTeeDa

I just wanted to say, don't be afraid of the "waves." It's been over three years since I split up with my AH, and I still have them. I think our psyche knows exactly when it's the right time to bring something to our consciousness so we can deal with it. Every time I get an apparent "setback," it turns out to be a breakthrough. Be open to the lessons you have yet to learn, not afraid of them.

((()))

L

tallulah

thank you L... I'm bracing myself for some 'waves'..

I had a moment today. I was getting my stitches out in the Hospital he put me in and of all the times to have a momentary lapse it was then. I missed him. It didn't last long though. As soon as the nurse started yanking the sutures out and the pain started I soon stopped any thoughts and sentimentality.