considering going no contact
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considering going no contact
i am considering going no contact while i am here in the usa, as so many of you have advised it and also because he called today and it triggered me.
my feeling was that the first few weeks i was away, he would try to prove to me that he was fine and that the last few weeks would be when the downward spiral began.
today, he said that the electricity would run out tomorrow, that there was no food and no money for gas. he said this was because he spent all his money on insuring the car. i corrected him and said that the insurance was paid for by my efforts, a $400 refund which arrived in the mail after i departed for america.
he said, yes, that's true but that he had gone to the trouble to put the car on the road for me. i said how could that be? i'm not even there to drive around in it? i said you put the car on the road for yourself. why do you not have enough money for food and electricity? what did you do with your wages if your not drinking as you say?
he said oh, its easy for you at your mothers. she pays for everything. you can have a nice holiday. i said this is no holiday. i am here to get a break from your drinking.
he said that he was entitled to drink after working all day. i agreed that this was true, he could drink as much as he wanted but that i could no longer live with the consequences of his drinking.
he hung up the phone on me.
anyway, i'm wishing that i hadn't spoken to him.
my feeling was that the first few weeks i was away, he would try to prove to me that he was fine and that the last few weeks would be when the downward spiral began.
today, he said that the electricity would run out tomorrow, that there was no food and no money for gas. he said this was because he spent all his money on insuring the car. i corrected him and said that the insurance was paid for by my efforts, a $400 refund which arrived in the mail after i departed for america.
he said, yes, that's true but that he had gone to the trouble to put the car on the road for me. i said how could that be? i'm not even there to drive around in it? i said you put the car on the road for yourself. why do you not have enough money for food and electricity? what did you do with your wages if your not drinking as you say?
he said oh, its easy for you at your mothers. she pays for everything. you can have a nice holiday. i said this is no holiday. i am here to get a break from your drinking.
he said that he was entitled to drink after working all day. i agreed that this was true, he could drink as much as he wanted but that i could no longer live with the consequences of his drinking.
he hung up the phone on me.
anyway, i'm wishing that i hadn't spoken to him.
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Originally Posted by naive 
i am considering going no contact while i am here in the usa, as so many of you have advised it and also because he called today and it triggered me.
my feeling was that the first few weeks i was away, he would try to prove to me that he was fine and that the last few weeks would be when the downward spiral began.
today, he said that the electricity would run out tomorrow, that there was no food and no money for gas. he said this was because he spent all his money on insuring the car. i corrected him and said that the insurance was paid for by my efforts, a $400 refund which arrived in the mail after i departed for america.
he said, yes, that's true but that he had gone to the trouble to put the car on the road for me. i said how could that be? i'm not even there to drive around in it? i said you put the car on the road for yourself. why do you not have enough money for food and electricity? what did you do with your wages if your not drinking as you say?
he said oh, its easy for you at your mothers. she pays for everything. you can have a nice holiday. i said this is no holiday. i am here to get a break from your drinking.
he said that he was entitled to drink after working all day. i agreed that this was true, he could drink as much as he wanted but that i could no longer live with the consequences of his drinking.
he hung up the phone on me.
anyway, i'm wishing that i hadn't spoken to him.
my feeling was that the first few weeks i was away, he would try to prove to me that he was fine and that the last few weeks would be when the downward spiral began.
today, he said that the electricity would run out tomorrow, that there was no food and no money for gas. he said this was because he spent all his money on insuring the car. i corrected him and said that the insurance was paid for by my efforts, a $400 refund which arrived in the mail after i departed for america.
he said, yes, that's true but that he had gone to the trouble to put the car on the road for me. i said how could that be? i'm not even there to drive around in it? i said you put the car on the road for yourself. why do you not have enough money for food and electricity? what did you do with your wages if your not drinking as you say?
he said oh, its easy for you at your mothers. she pays for everything. you can have a nice holiday. i said this is no holiday. i am here to get a break from your drinking.
he said that he was entitled to drink after working all day. i agreed that this was true, he could drink as much as he wanted but that i could no longer live with the consequences of his drinking.
he hung up the phone on me.
anyway, i'm wishing that i hadn't spoken to him.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Sometimes we need to disconnect from the chaos in order to center ourselves and find our "true north." If speaking with him disrupts your balance and peace, then you have the absolute right not to speak with him. Good for you for putting yourself first!
L
L
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
Posts: 105
Fabulous! Turn off your phone and begin!
So, you have time and space, how are you going to spend this time and space? What experiences do you want out of life? What things have you thought about doing, but didn't because of him? I say dream and then go explore and discover with a child like curiosity! Just DO IT!!!!!
love and light!~Cheryl
So, you have time and space, how are you going to spend this time and space? What experiences do you want out of life? What things have you thought about doing, but didn't because of him? I say dream and then go explore and discover with a child like curiosity! Just DO IT!!!!!
love and light!~Cheryl
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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Don't you feel exhausted after a conversation like that? All that quacking and complaining! He never heard a word you said. I understood the points you were making, very clearly. But I've been sober 8 months.
He is an active alcoholic. He can cunningly try to manipulate and blame you for his problems. This would justify another binge drinking episode in his mind.
It's just what you expected based on previous experience. The reactions are the same, it's the characters that change from your story, to my story, to her story, to all our stories from dealing with addicts.
The big question is what will YOU do differently this time?
He is an active alcoholic. He can cunningly try to manipulate and blame you for his problems. This would justify another binge drinking episode in his mind.
It's just what you expected based on previous experience. The reactions are the same, it's the characters that change from your story, to my story, to her story, to all our stories from dealing with addicts.
The big question is what will YOU do differently this time?
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my concern with going no contact is that i have to go back and live in the same apartment, for possibly a month or two, until my new apartment becomes available.
my second concern, if i am honest, is that now that he is mad at me, he will take a lover again. i'm trying to detach and i know i can't control him, but that's what happened last time i took a stand and took care of myself. he said the affair was my fault because i wasn't available for him (i took a timeout because a friend had suddenly died)
i know i should let the worries of the day be enough for the day and not project into the future, but those are my concerns.
i spoke with my mother about it, and she said keep the peace until i manage to get my own place.
my second concern, if i am honest, is that now that he is mad at me, he will take a lover again. i'm trying to detach and i know i can't control him, but that's what happened last time i took a stand and took care of myself. he said the affair was my fault because i wasn't available for him (i took a timeout because a friend had suddenly died)
i know i should let the worries of the day be enough for the day and not project into the future, but those are my concerns.
i spoke with my mother about it, and she said keep the peace until i manage to get my own place.
Last edited by naive; 03-25-2009 at 08:01 PM.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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pelican...yes, i did feel exhausted after that conversation. it bothers me that he continues to think i'm away on a holiday when i have been clear as to the purpose of this trip.
and you're right, he did not understand my points. he just shifted the blame to me. and yes, my intuition says we are heading for a drinking binge, which he will also blame on me.
what will i do different this time? my plan is to move out this time.
and you're right, he did not understand my points. he just shifted the blame to me. and yes, my intuition says we are heading for a drinking binge, which he will also blame on me.
what will i do different this time? my plan is to move out this time.
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Originally Posted by naive
i know i should let the worries of the day be enough for the day and not project into the future, but those are my concerns.
L
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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my second concern, if i am honest, is that now that he is mad at me, he will take a lover again. i'm trying to detach and i know i can't control him,
Yes, this will be tough for you. Please stop the contact so that you can focus on your true feelings.
Like LTD says, you've got to find your personal focus. Focus on you, your needs.
You know you will leave him, he is not a healthy part of your future. That means he will be intimate with another at some point. Ouch, yuk, wtf.... take the time to feel your feelings about this issue. Don't deny or avoid them. Face them.
But remember, you too will again be intimate. Your healthy, centered, focused, healing self will attract healthy, centered, focused people. In your new relationships you will be able to share your feelings and concerns. You deserve to have your feelings acknowledged, not drowned.
You are making healthy choices for yourself, one step at a time.
Yes, this will be tough for you. Please stop the contact so that you can focus on your true feelings.
Like LTD says, you've got to find your personal focus. Focus on you, your needs.
You know you will leave him, he is not a healthy part of your future. That means he will be intimate with another at some point. Ouch, yuk, wtf.... take the time to feel your feelings about this issue. Don't deny or avoid them. Face them.
But remember, you too will again be intimate. Your healthy, centered, focused, healing self will attract healthy, centered, focused people. In your new relationships you will be able to share your feelings and concerns. You deserve to have your feelings acknowledged, not drowned.
You are making healthy choices for yourself, one step at a time.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
You are not responsible for any of his behavior, cheating, drinking, financial problems or otherwise. You left for a reason, to take care of YOU, and that is what he should be doing for himself as a grown man. So if the only way to truly take care of you right now is to go no contact, then don't give it a second thought.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Whatever he does, you can't control it. The only thing you can control is your response.
I remember back to your earlier posts. How you were nervous in your own home, changed your sleeping patterns to fit around his drinking in order to be awake and alert should he cause a fire, worried about where he was and what he was doing, concerned about the future, affected by what he said to you. I also remember you said he threw things and got angry.
Now you have removed yourself from that situation and you are in a safe place with the space to plan a future. It appears to me that the A is contacting you in order to keep one foot in your life and retain some control. He doesn't even seem to appreciate that you have gone to the US to get some space from him and the situation or that you need that space to get some clarity.
I think back to the month that preceeded what happened to me. Even though I was moving forward and had a vision of where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do, it was very difficult to see things with the A right there able to unbalance it all. The A was even upset and bemused when I said I was going NC when I left. Now I have not spoken to the A for nearly two weeks. Very quickly (being surrounded by healthy people in healthy relationships) I realised how much I was affected and with each passing day comes more clarity. I read here an analogy of a lobster: the lobster is put in a pot of water and slowly, degree by degree, the temperature in the water is increased until the lobster is cooked. It pretty much sums up being in a dysfunctional relationship. When you step out of the pot and the A is no longer able to control the temperature, you begin to realise what was happening while you were in it. You can make decisions based on what's right for you and establish boundaries.
How you respond to his contact is up to you and we'll be here whatever. Me, I hope you give yourself some space to regroup and look at your life through your eyes. You may want to stay with the A and of course that is your choice, but I hope you get to make that decision free of any negative stuff from the A.
:ghug
I remember back to your earlier posts. How you were nervous in your own home, changed your sleeping patterns to fit around his drinking in order to be awake and alert should he cause a fire, worried about where he was and what he was doing, concerned about the future, affected by what he said to you. I also remember you said he threw things and got angry.
Now you have removed yourself from that situation and you are in a safe place with the space to plan a future. It appears to me that the A is contacting you in order to keep one foot in your life and retain some control. He doesn't even seem to appreciate that you have gone to the US to get some space from him and the situation or that you need that space to get some clarity.
I think back to the month that preceeded what happened to me. Even though I was moving forward and had a vision of where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do, it was very difficult to see things with the A right there able to unbalance it all. The A was even upset and bemused when I said I was going NC when I left. Now I have not spoken to the A for nearly two weeks. Very quickly (being surrounded by healthy people in healthy relationships) I realised how much I was affected and with each passing day comes more clarity. I read here an analogy of a lobster: the lobster is put in a pot of water and slowly, degree by degree, the temperature in the water is increased until the lobster is cooked. It pretty much sums up being in a dysfunctional relationship. When you step out of the pot and the A is no longer able to control the temperature, you begin to realise what was happening while you were in it. You can make decisions based on what's right for you and establish boundaries.
How you respond to his contact is up to you and we'll be here whatever. Me, I hope you give yourself some space to regroup and look at your life through your eyes. You may want to stay with the A and of course that is your choice, but I hope you get to make that decision free of any negative stuff from the A.
:ghug
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
Hi Naive,
I hope you are spending some lovely time with your family at home, I bet they have missed you stacks.
In my recent experience Contact just helped all the feelings and cycles contine even though I was living independantly and supposedly 'doing my thing' I found it incredibly hard to not be affected by the ups (and usually downs) that the 'phone converstaions would bring.
I too had this dread that by not keeping in constant touch he would decide that he was going to find somebody else that very day! (Not likely in his state but still a very very real fear for me)
I had to ask myself two things. 1. Why would I want to continue contacting somebody who had the absolute disprespect to replace me in such a short space? and 2. Would my phone calls good or bad, REALLY stop him doing that if he wanted to anyway? I never had the answer to number 1. I know you have your reasons for accomadation and such but I didn't. As for number 2 I deduced that he could easily do the both, meet someone else and still maintain contact with me, what's to stop him.
I think No Contact has saved my sanity and helped me climb out of the dark pit I was in, you may be 1000's of miles away but if the umbilical cord of a telephone/text/email still exists you may as well sometimes be in the same house.
Just my opinion, do what works for you.
In truth my X has not met anybody since we split (during contact and no contact) I have this on very good authority from a very trusted friend so all of my fears were totally and completely unfounded if it helps you to know that! I'm just happy that through No Contact I'm getting to a place now where I am ambivilent as to wether he does or he doesn't and I cannot tell you the relief that is bringing me, I'm not tempting fate because the smallest thing could floor me but for this hour all is ok.
You are doing brilliantly and inspiring me daily. Do what you feel is right to do when you feel it's right to do it, you cant go wrong then can you?!?!?
Lots of hugs
xcxcxcxcxcxcxcxcxcxc
I hope you are spending some lovely time with your family at home, I bet they have missed you stacks.
In my recent experience Contact just helped all the feelings and cycles contine even though I was living independantly and supposedly 'doing my thing' I found it incredibly hard to not be affected by the ups (and usually downs) that the 'phone converstaions would bring.
I too had this dread that by not keeping in constant touch he would decide that he was going to find somebody else that very day! (Not likely in his state but still a very very real fear for me)
I had to ask myself two things. 1. Why would I want to continue contacting somebody who had the absolute disprespect to replace me in such a short space? and 2. Would my phone calls good or bad, REALLY stop him doing that if he wanted to anyway? I never had the answer to number 1. I know you have your reasons for accomadation and such but I didn't. As for number 2 I deduced that he could easily do the both, meet someone else and still maintain contact with me, what's to stop him.
I think No Contact has saved my sanity and helped me climb out of the dark pit I was in, you may be 1000's of miles away but if the umbilical cord of a telephone/text/email still exists you may as well sometimes be in the same house.
Just my opinion, do what works for you.
In truth my X has not met anybody since we split (during contact and no contact) I have this on very good authority from a very trusted friend so all of my fears were totally and completely unfounded if it helps you to know that! I'm just happy that through No Contact I'm getting to a place now where I am ambivilent as to wether he does or he doesn't and I cannot tell you the relief that is bringing me, I'm not tempting fate because the smallest thing could floor me but for this hour all is ok.
You are doing brilliantly and inspiring me daily. Do what you feel is right to do when you feel it's right to do it, you cant go wrong then can you?!?!?
Lots of hugs
xcxcxcxcxcxcxcxcxcxc
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Originally Posted by naive
my second concern, if i am honest, is that now that he is mad at me, he will take a lover again.
I know that's not enough to take any potential sting away, but know this: his behavior is not a reflection of you. It is not a reflection of your worthiness to be loved, nor is it a statement about your potential to be loved. Find some strength in knowing that if anything this is a HUGE reflection of weakness/selfish/unworthiness on HIM. If I were a neighbour seeing this and didn't even know you, I'd root for you 100% to leave that jerk. So know that no matter how bad this last month with him gets, people are rooting for you. We want YOU to succeed!
I really feel for how ugly your situation is (have been in very similar, and yes, no matter what you tell yourself, it hurts like hell inside). But when you can, use these positive thoughts to pull yourself through.
Also, 100% what Pelican said:
you too will again be intimate
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Naive,
Is there any unwritten rule somewhere that you MUST go back at the end of your planned time here?
On our free planet, with changeable (albeit with a fee) airplane tickets, isn't it a possibility that you could simply stay until your apartment comes up?
Not necessarily recommending it, just trying to broaden your thoughts a bit. It sounds like you'd be walking back into alcoholic hell again -- pay my bills! it's your fault! I'm helpless! I'm not drinking! Okay, I am drinking..but it's YOUR fault! -- and that doesn't sound like life to me.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but he sounds like a spoiled twelve-year-old boy, stamping his feet, blaming the world for everything, lying up a storm, endangering your life every night by playing with fire, preventing you from sleeping, and subtly threatening you every day of my life: do as I say, or I will hurt you.
Do you find that sort of thing sexually attractive? I don't. And I eventually came to a point where I no longer cared if he manipulated someone else into being his wet nurse.
Anyway -- I'm glad you're safe for now. Think about your options, and think outside the lines a bit.
No-contact will make a safe space for you to make the best decisions for YOU.
Is there any unwritten rule somewhere that you MUST go back at the end of your planned time here?
On our free planet, with changeable (albeit with a fee) airplane tickets, isn't it a possibility that you could simply stay until your apartment comes up?
Not necessarily recommending it, just trying to broaden your thoughts a bit. It sounds like you'd be walking back into alcoholic hell again -- pay my bills! it's your fault! I'm helpless! I'm not drinking! Okay, I am drinking..but it's YOUR fault! -- and that doesn't sound like life to me.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but he sounds like a spoiled twelve-year-old boy, stamping his feet, blaming the world for everything, lying up a storm, endangering your life every night by playing with fire, preventing you from sleeping, and subtly threatening you every day of my life: do as I say, or I will hurt you.
Do you find that sort of thing sexually attractive? I don't. And I eventually came to a point where I no longer cared if he manipulated someone else into being his wet nurse.
Anyway -- I'm glad you're safe for now. Think about your options, and think outside the lines a bit.
No-contact will make a safe space for you to make the best decisions for YOU.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks all for these posts. You are all GREAT.
naive, I agree no contact seems better for you at this time.
And you do not HAVE to do ANYTHING, I agree with GiveLove, you can stay longer in US. Or go back to a friend or a cheap guesthouse or whatever that is not with him. You are free. Remember. You ARE free. You do not "have to" do ANYTHING. You can change your plans anytime.
I recall when I went out and talked to friends and my therapist, was convinced about something and then I saw him and he quacked and everything was sent down the drain- AGAIN. That sucks. That is not life. At least not the one I want to live.
I have been struggling knowing he is intimate now with someone else. But I agree with what has been said earlier. Who he is with, is HIS decision. There is no relation at all to your value. I repeat this because I have to keep on hearing it. I tend to think it was somehow my fault, my lack of something, my my my shortcomings. All that is BS. I too have been tormented and sometimes still am, with the thought of how quickly he "replaced" me. Faulty thinking again.
How can YOU be replaced with anyone? Honestly? No one will ever replace you.
I used to hope a disaster happened to my ex but I am realizing something bad already happened to him. He lost me. A great friend. A great woman in his life. He lost something unique and very valuable. Does not matter if his denial is still on, shifting blame. I am free now. He is not. He is still in denial, just as your boyfriend seems to be. And they will keep on losing valuable people and stuff. Why? Because its progressive. Remember its a progressive disease. It WILL get worse. Regardless of what you do or do not do. Regardless of how much they quack.
I bet you already knew this, but I find it useful to repeat it over and over again. Because all of this is true. You deserve serenity. You are getting it. Quacks or no quacks. Someone else's acts - are totally unrelated to the serenity you can give yourself, today. Just for you. Because it has always been yours.
And you will be intimate again. With someone who knows how to treat another human being - with respect. Who is brave enough to battle his monsters and keep on battling them. Who is not a scared child, a dependent person acting independent, an unhappy person faking happiness with the bottle because he knows of no other way. No more. If someone will be with you, it will be a real MAN
((hugs)) all the best!!
naive, I agree no contact seems better for you at this time.
And you do not HAVE to do ANYTHING, I agree with GiveLove, you can stay longer in US. Or go back to a friend or a cheap guesthouse or whatever that is not with him. You are free. Remember. You ARE free. You do not "have to" do ANYTHING. You can change your plans anytime.
I recall when I went out and talked to friends and my therapist, was convinced about something and then I saw him and he quacked and everything was sent down the drain- AGAIN. That sucks. That is not life. At least not the one I want to live.
I have been struggling knowing he is intimate now with someone else. But I agree with what has been said earlier. Who he is with, is HIS decision. There is no relation at all to your value. I repeat this because I have to keep on hearing it. I tend to think it was somehow my fault, my lack of something, my my my shortcomings. All that is BS. I too have been tormented and sometimes still am, with the thought of how quickly he "replaced" me. Faulty thinking again.
How can YOU be replaced with anyone? Honestly? No one will ever replace you.
I used to hope a disaster happened to my ex but I am realizing something bad already happened to him. He lost me. A great friend. A great woman in his life. He lost something unique and very valuable. Does not matter if his denial is still on, shifting blame. I am free now. He is not. He is still in denial, just as your boyfriend seems to be. And they will keep on losing valuable people and stuff. Why? Because its progressive. Remember its a progressive disease. It WILL get worse. Regardless of what you do or do not do. Regardless of how much they quack.
I bet you already knew this, but I find it useful to repeat it over and over again. Because all of this is true. You deserve serenity. You are getting it. Quacks or no quacks. Someone else's acts - are totally unrelated to the serenity you can give yourself, today. Just for you. Because it has always been yours.
And you will be intimate again. With someone who knows how to treat another human being - with respect. Who is brave enough to battle his monsters and keep on battling them. Who is not a scared child, a dependent person acting independent, an unhappy person faking happiness with the bottle because he knows of no other way. No more. If someone will be with you, it will be a real MAN
((hugs)) all the best!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i appreciate all of your feedback and your wisdom born of hard experiences. i remain humbled that despite the very real difficulties some of you are experiencing, you still find time and energy to help me.
yes, the returning to the frying pan is not a great option. i don't feel like i have the energy to solve that one today, as i'm still struggling with the no-contact.
i did, however, write to the homeless social worker today, requesting that she try to place me prior to my return. it appears that she has taken me at my word, as i just received formal notification that i have been awarded the highest amount of points in their system to prioritize housing allocation.
maybe something will come my way...
in reading "co-dependent no more", i am trying to shoulder my fair share of the dysfunction. for the first three years of our relationship, i did not try to control him, i did not worry about where he was or what he was doing.
it was when i moved into his flat, that things began to come to my attention. not that there weren't warning signs way before...i just didn't understand that he was an A, nor the side-effects of alcoholism. almost immediately upon moving in, is when the infidelity came to my attention.
after that, then i became insecure within the relationship and a lot of my energy started to go outwards. i began to distrust.
it has always been my practice when in doubt, to offer the benefit of the doubt to the other. now, with no doubt present, i became super detective. i was going to get the facts and i was steady and efficient in doing so.
all of this felt very off to me. i became consumed with it. i didn't hide it from my A, in fact, i told him. he'd lie and i would refer to my notes and correct him.
anyway, i guess what i'm saying is that when the situation spun out of control, i went into hyper control mode. i feel that i need to take a good hard look at that.
in all honesty, many different things went thru my head. mainly, to give him some of the same in return. i kept reminding myself that would make me the same as him, a very real danger indeed.
so, that's where i'm at in my thinking today.
all of this feels like a journey....it's one i'm setting out on alone..he was invited but he doesn't appear to be coming...i accept that...i haven't totally compromised myself....if i stay there, i might....i'm a bit worn out but my integrity and self-respect are intact...thank god i didn't succumb to the devil whispering in my ear...
naive
yes, the returning to the frying pan is not a great option. i don't feel like i have the energy to solve that one today, as i'm still struggling with the no-contact.
i did, however, write to the homeless social worker today, requesting that she try to place me prior to my return. it appears that she has taken me at my word, as i just received formal notification that i have been awarded the highest amount of points in their system to prioritize housing allocation.
maybe something will come my way...
in reading "co-dependent no more", i am trying to shoulder my fair share of the dysfunction. for the first three years of our relationship, i did not try to control him, i did not worry about where he was or what he was doing.
it was when i moved into his flat, that things began to come to my attention. not that there weren't warning signs way before...i just didn't understand that he was an A, nor the side-effects of alcoholism. almost immediately upon moving in, is when the infidelity came to my attention.
after that, then i became insecure within the relationship and a lot of my energy started to go outwards. i began to distrust.
it has always been my practice when in doubt, to offer the benefit of the doubt to the other. now, with no doubt present, i became super detective. i was going to get the facts and i was steady and efficient in doing so.
all of this felt very off to me. i became consumed with it. i didn't hide it from my A, in fact, i told him. he'd lie and i would refer to my notes and correct him.
anyway, i guess what i'm saying is that when the situation spun out of control, i went into hyper control mode. i feel that i need to take a good hard look at that.
in all honesty, many different things went thru my head. mainly, to give him some of the same in return. i kept reminding myself that would make me the same as him, a very real danger indeed.
so, that's where i'm at in my thinking today.
all of this feels like a journey....it's one i'm setting out on alone..he was invited but he doesn't appear to be coming...i accept that...i haven't totally compromised myself....if i stay there, i might....i'm a bit worn out but my integrity and self-respect are intact...thank god i didn't succumb to the devil whispering in my ear...
naive
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