My Son Blames Me for the Breakup
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
My Son Blames Me for the Breakup
So I've been seperated from STXAH for a few months now and things seem to be much more peaceful and the kids seem much more relaxed. Now, I find that my oldest son (10 years old) is blaming me for the breakup and keeps talking about his dad like his dad is some kind of saint. Some days he will wonder aloud "I wonder if daddy is drunk" and will say something bad about his dad, but mostly he told me that I am at fault for us having to move in with my mother and that our life with his dad "wasn't that bad". It really couldn't be helped. I could not keep that house as it is falling apart (literally). Plus there is no way that I could afford to keep it - I know in my gut that I will never be able to depend 100% on his keeping up with the payments and he is the type that would screw up and get fired on purpose just so he wouldn't have to pay when he was supposed to. Then he would blame me - I would be stuck with a house I couldn't afford to fix or pay the mortgage payments. My intuition tells me that it would not be in the best interest of me or the kids to depend on an alcoholic for financial support (he always used money as a form of power over us and has run the credit card bills up to $30,000 from his partying over the last few years). So there is no way I could keep or even want to keep the house. I hate moving the kids to another school and that they don't have their friends, but the climate in that house was becoming violent and unbearable as my STXAH is getting worse. Plus, I have a feeling that the financial hole is getting bigger and my therapist even said that by the sounds of it STXAH will not be able to keep the house either whether I stayed or left.
My therapist said that the only thing I can do is hope and pray for my son and validate his angry feelings. I do this, but I know it seems petty, but I feel angry and sad and guilty that my son is blaming me for taking them out of the home of an escalating violent alcoholic. My therapist also said that sometimes kids will say this and a co-dependent mother will feel guilty enough to move back in with the AH, but then things eventually start where they left off and get increasingly worse because the AH knows that he has everybody where he wants them and they aren't going anywhere soon. Is this a common problem?
My therapist said that the only thing I can do is hope and pray for my son and validate his angry feelings. I do this, but I know it seems petty, but I feel angry and sad and guilty that my son is blaming me for taking them out of the home of an escalating violent alcoholic. My therapist also said that sometimes kids will say this and a co-dependent mother will feel guilty enough to move back in with the AH, but then things eventually start where they left off and get increasingly worse because the AH knows that he has everybody where he wants them and they aren't going anywhere soon. Is this a common problem?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Is your son in therapy? If not, I strongly recommend it.
Your son is doing the child version of what so many of us do when we are in denial. He is not playing the tape all the way thru. Understandable, especially for a child who of course loves his father and doesn't understand what is going on. Yes, he understands on some level that daddy is a drunk but he sure doesn't understand why daddy drinks, why daddy doesn't just stop, why things can't be the perfect family fantasy that all kids have. On some level he likely blames hismelf for everything too since kids view themselves as the center of the universe and all powerful too.
This can get better with time and loving care from you and the help of a good therapist.
Your son is doing the child version of what so many of us do when we are in denial. He is not playing the tape all the way thru. Understandable, especially for a child who of course loves his father and doesn't understand what is going on. Yes, he understands on some level that daddy is a drunk but he sure doesn't understand why daddy drinks, why daddy doesn't just stop, why things can't be the perfect family fantasy that all kids have. On some level he likely blames hismelf for everything too since kids view themselves as the center of the universe and all powerful too.
This can get better with time and loving care from you and the help of a good therapist.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I agree with getting him into therapy/counseling also, and yes this is common. You are the easiest 'target' for him to take his anger out on. He, as well as you, is suffering loss. He needs help to process that, and not just from you, although that is very important to have your support.
Barbara definitely hit on something when she said on some level he also blames himself. I have heard this common theme many many times in adult children where they had internally taken on the blame for what went on in the household.
Barbara definitely hit on something when she said on some level he also blames himself. I have heard this common theme many many times in adult children where they had internally taken on the blame for what went on in the household.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
ouch that must be hard to hear.
You are doing the very best you can for you and your children. Children often don't fully understand parent's decisions until they themselves are parents. But they know who loves them, who they are safe with, who is a constant source of stability.
Its common in any family separation for the children to blame themselves. Its also relatively common for them to take it out on the Parent-with-care, especially if the non-resident-parent is emotionally unavailable or unstable, as children can feel (often with a fair amount of justification) that they risk losing the NRP completely if they let loose their anger on them.
In some ways this is a validation of your parenting: your son feels safe enough with you and secure enough in your love that he can let his anger come out, and even blame you knowing you won't cast him away for it. Its also a validation of your choice to leave BEFORE things at home were so scary that your son was afraid of your AH.
(I've been reading a lot about the effects of seperating on children).
doesn't make it easy on you though, and doesn't mean you have to acccept the blame, just accept that this is how he is voicing his anger at the moment. Be glad he has someone he feels safe enough to do that with, and be proud that you are that person.
counselling sounds good, I'm a big fan.
You are doing the very best you can for you and your children. Children often don't fully understand parent's decisions until they themselves are parents. But they know who loves them, who they are safe with, who is a constant source of stability.
Its common in any family separation for the children to blame themselves. Its also relatively common for them to take it out on the Parent-with-care, especially if the non-resident-parent is emotionally unavailable or unstable, as children can feel (often with a fair amount of justification) that they risk losing the NRP completely if they let loose their anger on them.
In some ways this is a validation of your parenting: your son feels safe enough with you and secure enough in your love that he can let his anger come out, and even blame you knowing you won't cast him away for it. Its also a validation of your choice to leave BEFORE things at home were so scary that your son was afraid of your AH.
(I've been reading a lot about the effects of seperating on children).
doesn't make it easy on you though, and doesn't mean you have to acccept the blame, just accept that this is how he is voicing his anger at the moment. Be glad he has someone he feels safe enough to do that with, and be proud that you are that person.
counselling sounds good, I'm a big fan.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Thanks everyone. I do believe your advice about therapy is right on. I do let him show his feelings and don't get angry when he does, I just let him vent because I know he is hurting (talking about them, no temper tantrum throwing). Therapy would be an excellent outlet for him too (though it would take him a while to warm up to someone as he is very quiet with people he doesn't know, but will talk a mile a minute if he likes you). I've always encouraged the kids to be who they are and to express their feelings. This never went over to well at all with STXAH as they told him a few times they didn't like to see him drunk or smoking, but now they feel a lot more free to be who they are and express their feelings whenever they feel the need.
I don't encourage them to hate the STXAH, they will feel what they feel. I've let go of a lot of bitterness toward him, but don't have any desire to continue a relationship with him. That is done. I now can act rationally and maturely when we are talking about the kids or anything else. Serenity is priceless!
It is really turning out the STXAH doesn't seem to care about the kids as well as me, and I'm sure that hurts them (for an alcoholic - alcohol is #1). He rarely calls them anymore and hasn't seen them in over a week and a half. Sure there are promises of a "family outing" but I don't count on them or tell the boys about the promises he makes. If and when it happens, I just let it be a little surprise.
I don't encourage them to hate the STXAH, they will feel what they feel. I've let go of a lot of bitterness toward him, but don't have any desire to continue a relationship with him. That is done. I now can act rationally and maturely when we are talking about the kids or anything else. Serenity is priceless!
It is really turning out the STXAH doesn't seem to care about the kids as well as me, and I'm sure that hurts them (for an alcoholic - alcohol is #1). He rarely calls them anymore and hasn't seen them in over a week and a half. Sure there are promises of a "family outing" but I don't count on them or tell the boys about the promises he makes. If and when it happens, I just let it be a little surprise.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
My first impression when reading your circumstances was that your son needs to vent.
He's only ten years old. He needs a way to vent his frustration and fear, and it's coming out the only way his subconscious knows - to blame the primary adult in his life. I don't think the things he says are as personal and on point as you are taking them. Yes, he's mad about changing lives, and housing, and schools, and even friends. But I don't think he really blames you to the extent that you feel his blame. He just needs something to aim his pain at. He needs to vent on these things.
His concerns need to be validated, not fixed or ignored or reasoned out, etc. They are what they are (but they hurt). He knows his dad has a drinking problem and these are the results. He just needs to vent, and be heard. He needs to process anger, and frustration, and feelings of loss and abandonment. (Enter counseling, here)
But I don't think he really blames you. He just doesn't know what else to do, to feel better.
That was my impression.
CLMI
He's only ten years old. He needs a way to vent his frustration and fear, and it's coming out the only way his subconscious knows - to blame the primary adult in his life. I don't think the things he says are as personal and on point as you are taking them. Yes, he's mad about changing lives, and housing, and schools, and even friends. But I don't think he really blames you to the extent that you feel his blame. He just needs something to aim his pain at. He needs to vent on these things.
His concerns need to be validated, not fixed or ignored or reasoned out, etc. They are what they are (but they hurt). He knows his dad has a drinking problem and these are the results. He just needs to vent, and be heard. He needs to process anger, and frustration, and feelings of loss and abandonment. (Enter counseling, here)
But I don't think he really blames you. He just doesn't know what else to do, to feel better.
That was my impression.
CLMI
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
I'm so sorry that you are going though this!! I went through the same stuff with my kids when they were younger, and now that they are in their 20's, they still kinda do it......ugh. Just the other day, my kids ages 21 & 25 said to me "don't you wish you wouldn't have thrown dad out (we've been split for 5 years now)? at least he had an income (social security disability which **I** got him on....urgh). It felt like they were throwing a spear right into my heart.....ugh.
But years ago, when XH left for 1-1/2 years, I did try getting the kids counseling....they weren't ready for it, was just a waste of my gas & time.
Don't get me wrong, I DO reccommend counseling, your situation might be different. My main point is that I sympathize with what you are going through......this is a hard disease, and makes us look like the "bad guys". We just have to stay strong, and believe that we made the correct disisions. Maybe someday our kids will realize :praying
But years ago, when XH left for 1-1/2 years, I did try getting the kids counseling....they weren't ready for it, was just a waste of my gas & time.
Don't get me wrong, I DO reccommend counseling, your situation might be different. My main point is that I sympathize with what you are going through......this is a hard disease, and makes us look like the "bad guys". We just have to stay strong, and believe that we made the correct disisions. Maybe someday our kids will realize :praying
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