bearfeet

Hello All,

I've been quietly trundling along these past weeks but have been checking in on yoou all daily. Baby Bearfeet is doing brilliantly walking around everywhere in her red shoes and singing in her own language, so cute.

Work is going ok though as with most places we are fearful of possible impending redundancies.......

I've been doing brilliantly on the no-contact, I had the number barred from outgoing calls, that helped (!) and of course he has made no such attempt to find out about our well being so all good. he is still drinking his Dads benefit thousands though I'm thinking they must be running low now. I'm updated by mutual friends of his ongoing habits and I usually see him smoking outside the local pub each day from the car on my way home from work- he sees us too but turns away.

I am going to counselling each week and looking at why I appear to need to please others to be happy and my anxiety toward him leaving, it was rough at first but it's really helping now, I don't know how or why but I am starting to make decisions and have opinions of my own and feel good about them. Still reading Co-dependant no more too and it's sinking in more now with each read.

I have my dark days and nights, but then don't we all? But cope by talking to loved ones and of course reading about all your brave stories good and bad and words of support on here (big thanks!)

The good thing is I feel that he is no longer on my mind 100% of the time (and believe me he was) and I am genuinely starting to ACCEPT the end of our relationship and all my family dreams (and this was a MASSIVE one for me, I honestly never ever believed I would ever accept it, so hope to you guys out there who feel the same)

Anyhow today is a big day for him so he is on my mind. He is appearing in Magistrates Court this morning charged with Arson with Intent to Endanger Life from last October when he set fire to my kitchen with me in bed and left the house. I have a Court Liasion Officer through a Domestic Violence organisation and also the Police who have been keeping me updated. I'm told that if he pleads guilty they may deal with him there (they have limited sentancing powers) or refer him to Crown Court for sentancing, if he pleads Not Guilty it will go to Trial at Crown Court where I will need to appear as a whitness. I know he despises me for all of this but I didn't call the police when it happened a neighbour did and I am not the person prosecuting him, it is The Crown.

Anyway I just wanted to ramble out my feelings on it really. I don't know how to feel, the part of me that loves and remembers the good in him wants a light sentance with minimal impact on his life such as Community Service but the overiding part of me that still feels justified anger feels he should have a severe sentence even going to prison because he is always always cushioned from the consequences of his actions.

What do you all think? Anyone have any knowledge on the UK judicial system to predicit the outcome?

Sorry for the massive boring post. It;s been too long.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MissFixit

Hey there.

Glad to hear that you and baby are well! You sound very grounded.

He is dealing with the consequence of almost killing you by fire. That is no small matter. That warrants a court trial. Arson is not normal behavior. He is a danger not only to you and baby, but to the rest of the world. If he cannot control his emotions/anger and endangers others lives, then I for one prefer for him to be in jail. We don't need more nuts with matches running around.

Please try not to feel guilty. You don't need to defend yourself for HIS choices and the following consequences. Those are HIS doings.
Miss

ToughChoices

Hi, bearfeet!

I'm always happy to see you posting.
How is it that I managed to forget that this guy tried to burn down your house!? You'd think something like that would stick out to me!!! Wowsers!

Sorry for the tough circumstances, but, I have to agree with MissFixIt, here. Your ex seems dangerous. Good for you for moving him out of your head-space, and excellent for you for being brave enough to testify against him if necessary.

You're making such great progress! Be proud of yourself and keep walking through it, one day at a time. Lucky you, you get to hold baby bearfeet's sweet little hand while you walk!

Thinking of you with love,
TC

JenT1968

Haven't a clue about the probable court outcome (I have hopes and wishes, but no real idea). Wanted to say how strong and clear and happy you sound, I hope that is true. Today sounds like a challenge, I am glad the little-one is bringing joy to your life. (my DD is 10 months old: just learning to stand and is so proud they are just wonderful, aren't they)

Barbara52

I'm glad to hear you are doing well! I can see little Baby Bearfeet in my mind. SHe must be so cute!

As for him, yup, he's a danger to many others and deserves to pay the consequences for his actions and choices. Personally I hope he gets the maximum sentence whatever that may be over there.

Bernadette

You sound like you're doing really well bearfeet!

Just step way off the worrying about the court case. It is out of your hands, as it should be, and what will be, will be. He has to face the consequences.

You say the part of you that remembers the good in him wishes for leniency.
There is no "good him" and "bad him" in reality there is no separation it is ALL just him. Believe it. Accept it. It is his business whether he chooses to redeem himself or sink further into depraved and criminal behavior, and then it is the court's business how to deal with him.

Hang in there--glad to hear baby is well- sounds very sweet!!!
peace,
b

bearfeet

Thank you all once again, seeing as you are all imagining my little wildcat Babybearfeet aka Elizabeth Honey, I've posted a link to a picture of her (I hope this is allowed, I tried uploading the image but couldn't get it to work!) I'd love you all to take a look at her, she's my inspiration anyway.

http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/5356/babybearfeet.png

I know how shocking it sounds to others, his actions. I successfully managed to minimise them all over the years. I guess today is a fine example of leaving it to HP. There is nothing I or anyone can do anyway.

I am progressing, I have dips but I'm accepting that's part of the process too, the number of good days do outweigh the bad (that's good info for all of you on a different part of the journey to me) someone once promised me that and I didn't believe them....

I'll update you all on the outcome anyway, dreading looking at my phone, it's like something from TV today, not my life!

Love & Hugs again. xcxcxcxcxcxcxcxcxcxcxcxcxc

JenT1968

She is just adorable, and I love those tights!

I know its easier to say when removed from the situation, but this is absolutely right.

His actions are shocking, & the consequences are entirely his.

Thank you for updating us.

Freedom1990

What a precious little doll she is! Thank you for the picture!

You just keep working on you, hon! :ghug :ghug :ghug

tallulah

Hi bearfeet..

My ex is in court today. I'm on tenterhooks too so I know how you feel.

Keep strong and trusting that whatever the law decides whould happen to him is what it is and is as a consequence of what he has done.. not you.
:ghug

GiveLove

Bearfeet, what a wonderful baby. Love her, love her, love her. Every time I hear you talk about her, I am so proud of you for rescuing her from the life you once lived. That took strength and courage.

This stuck out for me in your post:
Is there any way you can stop that? Part of the reason for no-contact is to STOP making them so much a part of your daily life. Thinking from your healthy brain....is it good for you to keep an ongoing log of his activities? Is there any good purpose to that? Just something to think about as you move into even better stages of recovery. You're doing wonderfully!!

Good luck if you have to go to court. The man tried to kill you. He may do the same to other women -- there isn't enough "good side" in a human being to make up for that. If you won't testify for your own sake, do it for women like us who may be his victims next.

Give Elizabeth Honey a hug for us!!

Barbara52

Awwwww. She is absolutely adorable!

GiveLove

REALLY makes me want to go buy myself a pair of tights like that

Bernadette

YUMMMMMMMMMY!!! What a little doll!!
Enjoy every minute!
peace,
b

TakingCharge999

awww how cute, thank you for sharing your lil bearfeet with us!!
I couldn't help but feel proud for you and this baby, thanks to you she gets a much better life. Congratulations on taking the best decision for you and your daughter!

It helps to know I am not alone, its also true that once the sun starts shining again, even if its just a brief moment, it feels WONDERFUL. Its like gaining your life back and being able to fill it with better stuff, love and truly loving people.

!!

Jadmack25

Your little darling girl is absolutely gorgeous. No wonder you are getting stronger and getting life back to live as you want it, with this inspiration before you.

God bless

bearfeet

Thank you all for your support, once again you've astounded me with your insight and kindness.

The Court liaision lady called earlier, he pleaded Not Guilty yesterday so it has gone to Crown Court for trial, she told me that many Domestic Violence Perpertators do this in the hope that the witness (i.e Me) will not attend trial.

(I had really hoped for this not to happen, I have said I would stand at trial and the Police Officer at the time told me it was largely irrespective as I would most likely be summoned to appear anyway and not doing so would have legal implications for me)

She told me that being witness wasn't an easy or good experience but the only thing that would be focussed upon is his crime, not our relationship or anything else.

However I have two concerns. The first is probably based entirely on American TV programmes and films about Courtroom dramas, but.... Will they try to discredit me and be unpleasant? I'm pretty strong and can have screens etc but I'm only basing this as I said on fiction!

Secondly I'm concerned about my motivations, I know in part I feel he has comitted a crime and desrves to suffer the consequences as any moral person would but is a small part of me taking part in malice? to punish him for the personal hurt he caused me by leaving and choosing drink over us? If so then should I refuse to go, allow the case to fail and let him continue living his life?

His future feelings and actions towards me are irrespective, as I've said, I've reached through pain, acceptence that we will never be together again so by appearing as a witness it would seal further the hate he has for me but by refusing to would not increase in my opinion any kind thoughts, he would merely feel justified that I was the cause of his behaviour and now the whole world knows that too.

I want to do what's right by my heart but I don't know what that it, if anyone can understand that?

Anyway thanks again, just thought I'd let you know the latest installment, big love to you all.


x

Barbara52

Ask the Court liaision lady. She should be able to give you straight answers to all your questions. I know in the states the Prosecutors go over testimony with witnesses sometimes. Perhaps this also happens over your way?


You motivations may indeed include some malice or desire for revenge. Perfectly normal I would think.

The bottom line though is he chose to commit a very serious crime that could have lead to your death and the death of your darling daughter.

Personally I would be danged sure I showed up and testified. Such behavior is by definition criminal.

Whatever his excuses and your underlying feelings/motives, do not forget that the man tried to do you harm (at a minimum) and could be said to have tried to kill you and your little one. Could you live with yourself if you allowed this to pass? What will you tell you daughter years from now? That you decided to just let it go when the man tried to kill her?

Are you willing to face legal consequences yourself to in effect protect him from prosecution? What happens to your daughter then?
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GiveLove

Bearfeet, in between hugs (((( ))))) I would say I'd agree, and add another.

It's obvious he's learned nothing, and changed not at all. Allowing him to "walk" gives him the message that he is free to do this in future relationships where his childish, self-centered needs aren't being met.

I don't know that I could live with myself if I read in the newspaper that he did this again some day, and someone died.

I'm sure there is a little malice in your heart, but that doesn't pre-empt you from doing the right thing. Just put it aside and try to act from a point of what is right: justice, necessary repercussions, self-preservation and preservation of your sisters out here who may find themselves his victim one day.

MissFixit

Hi,

This is your decision to be a witness or not, but he did (as much as you might not like it) try to harm you and your daughter. He might be remorseful now. He might blame you now. That is all about him, not you. Of course he pleads not guilty as he doesn't want to admit what he has done. That doesn't change the FACT that he DID it.

You are strong and have a baby to protect as well as yourself.

Stick to the facts about what happened. Write them out for yourself if you need to. Without emotions, what are the facts of the actions? IMHO, that is all you need to be concerned with for court, facts.