Daisy30

As most of you know Ah and I are seperated. He is off of work this week for break. Older dd is also off. So I planned a trip out of town w/a friend.

I am taking the kids to have some fun and relax. I avoided telling AH until today (well, actually older dd mentioned it in front of him yesterday). But, today I officially told him. He was mad. Which I knew he would be, hence why I avoided telling him.

He said I am not allowed to take the kids out of state (which I totally am). He also said if I take the kids then he will file for divorce.

I was able to keep my cool while talking to him. Said I understood that he is upset. Asked him to talk about his feelings. That all got shut down.


So why do I feel bad. I guess I must feel guilty in some way. I know why I planned the trip. I planned it to nat have to deal with him while he was off of work. Also because I have not gone anywhere with the kids in a while and they deserve a little fun.....so do I.

I didn't do it to hurt him. But now I see I did. I am not changing my plans. What is my responsibility here? Do I appologize? I'm kinda stuck. I guess I have to keep searching inside on this one?

ETA: I suppose I have to let him work through his feelings too. I think another reason why I feel bad is b/c he was probably looking forward to spending time with the kids?? Addiction is so tough......

sailorjohn

Well, did you make a promise in the past to him that you wouldn't take the kids without his permission? When you separated did you make such a promise? If not, I wouldn't worry about it, you did nothing wrong and you're not responsible for his feelings. IMO.

Daisy30

Ahhh so true. *I am not responsible for his feelings* ....I need to write that on the chalskboard 100 times

No, we had no prior agreements about the kids. I have them and he is free to call me when he wants to see them. We almost set up a regular schedule where we would do dinner etc. a few times a week but, he backed out of it......stating that he should get to be with the kids alone.
We are not legally seperated so no legal documents stating anything.

sailorjohn

Fabulous! I think you and the kids have earned a break. Have a great time!

Pelican

Sounds like he is mad at himself for not planning something fun with the kids. He owns that anger, not you.

If he follows through with his threat to file for divorce, he will be doing you and your children a favor. You will not be liable for any legal trouble he gets into (DUI) and the courts would establish temporary support for you and the children.

I hope you and the children have a wonderful trip. Stay in the moment and enjoy every single day together. :ghug2

Still Waters

Poor baby (him).

That is all.

SleepyCherie

While I think you are valid in wanting time with your children and away from the AH, I have to be a bit on the side of apologizing to him.

Just because he's an alcoholic doesn't mean he deserves to be left out of the loop. In a co-parenting situation, having open communication is key.. I suppose it is in any relationship.

Part of your own recovery should include being more assertive with your intentions and communication. I think you feel guilty because you weren't up front with him and his feelings were hurt.

I hope you enjoy your trip

Maybe if you tell him you are sorry for the lack of communication and that you'll be up front with him going forward, you'll not feel guilty about anything and have a really great time!

PS It was really controlling for him to threaten divorce if you leave, don't fall for that.

:ghug3

Barbara52

So he can't be bothered to see his children regularly but wants to beotch now when you have made plans?

Tough cookies!

You are under no obligation to get his approval for your plans you know. Stop feeling guilty for planning on having fun with your kids. They and you deserve some fun!

TakingCharge999

LOL on the chalkboard
I hope you enjoy your time alone with the kids, without threats, manipulation, control, etc. etc. he does not seem very mature...

I agree, perhaps telling him you will be up front in the future would put your mind to rest.
((hugs))

blessed4x

Here's how I look at it. Actions have consequences. His past actions obviously led you to feel uncomfortable with sharing your plans up front. His consequences are that he did't get informed. If my dog bites my hand every time I reach out to pet her, I will hesitate freely offering my affection.

Rainbowsend

Why should he be hurt, annoyed that the kids are going to have a good time? Absoloutley no reason at all, this is all about control, nothing to do woth you taking the children away for break.
No appologies required for not telling him sooner, you knew he'd kick off and just reduced the time you had to put up with his bitching.
You go and have a great time with them xxxx

Daisy30

You all have made some really good points (as always )!! I appreciate it!

Thank you!! You guys always tell me just what I need to hear!

I have to say, I am back now.....and WE had such a GREAT time!!!! It was a well needed break!!!

I had fogotton what it is like to take a trip w/o AH.

Man it was so different than the trips AH and I had taken. I was not concerned w/ anyone elses behavior. I wasn't made to feel like things were my fault (that weren't). I didn't hear any complaining about where we were going and the crowds.


It was sooooooooooooo Peaceful!!! I have learned so much in my recovery....and it really allowed me to enjoy the kids and the trip.

Barbara52

I'm glad to hear you had such a great trip. May it be the first of many great times you and the kids have together!