I know I'm supposed to leave but...
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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I know I'm supposed to leave but...
Now my stepson (my husband's son) was abandoned by his mother. His mother and her husband abused him and left him on her sister's porch. (He's 6) We picked him up and called Child Protective Services and filed a police report. We also went to the hospital to get him checked out completely.
Now, I'm left with a dilemma. I was in the process of leaving him. I couldn't take the lies, I couldnt' take the stealing or the constant drinking and drugs. I was supposed to kick him out but I can't bring myself to do that and know that I would be endagering my stepson. We're trying to get custody but without me and a stable home, he won't get custody. They will see that he would be living with a crackhead friend of his with 3 other people. He's not there yet, but he will be when I kick him out. I want my stepson but we have to work together to get him...
Two things to consider:
1. There's no where else for my stepson to go. They will place him in foster care if he can't stay with either us or his mom.
2. My husband is not working a recovery program. He just keeps giving empty promises of change.
Now, I'm left with a dilemma. I was in the process of leaving him. I couldn't take the lies, I couldnt' take the stealing or the constant drinking and drugs. I was supposed to kick him out but I can't bring myself to do that and know that I would be endagering my stepson. We're trying to get custody but without me and a stable home, he won't get custody. They will see that he would be living with a crackhead friend of his with 3 other people. He's not there yet, but he will be when I kick him out. I want my stepson but we have to work together to get him...
Two things to consider:
1. There's no where else for my stepson to go. They will place him in foster care if he can't stay with either us or his mom.
2. My husband is not working a recovery program. He just keeps giving empty promises of change.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
hi,
I am so sorry for your dilemma,
I am also so sorry fro that poor little boy.
can you on your own be a foster carer for your stepson? doesn't sound like being with dad is a particularly loving and stable place for him, its good that he wouldn't get custody of him on his own, if you can't foster him (short or long term) on your own, would it really be a good thing for him to stay with you AND AH (what with the constant drinking, drugs, stealing and lies.......).
this may sound harsh: perhaps foster care with a stable loving family is just what the little boy needs. A stable loving family who have fostered abused and neglected children before and are experienced and healthy enough to take that on and give him what he needs. The needs of the adults here are secondary (and by that I don't mean you should stay with your AH and pretend to social services that you are in a stable environment just to keep the little boy with his dad or you).
hugs
ceri xx
I am so sorry for your dilemma,
I am also so sorry fro that poor little boy.
can you on your own be a foster carer for your stepson? doesn't sound like being with dad is a particularly loving and stable place for him, its good that he wouldn't get custody of him on his own, if you can't foster him (short or long term) on your own, would it really be a good thing for him to stay with you AND AH (what with the constant drinking, drugs, stealing and lies.......).
this may sound harsh: perhaps foster care with a stable loving family is just what the little boy needs. A stable loving family who have fostered abused and neglected children before and are experienced and healthy enough to take that on and give him what he needs. The needs of the adults here are secondary (and by that I don't mean you should stay with your AH and pretend to social services that you are in a stable environment just to keep the little boy with his dad or you).
hugs
ceri xx
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Wow, numb, I'm so sorry.
Certainly no easy answers here at all. Does your AH want the child too? Or is the poor kid going out of the frying pan and into the fire...from one house that doesn't want him to another? If he doesn't legally want custody of the boy, then you have your answer there.
Do you really WANT the child or are you just feeling a sense of rescue? Do you love him? Are you willing to raise him - alone if need be - until adulthood?
I supposed (though this sounds terrible) you could go through the proceedings to get custody of the child, and THEN kick your AH out if he's still not in recovery, to keep him from being raised by yet another addict. That would be disruptive to the child too, but not like being abused and abandoned was.
Foster care can suck, but not always. At least in the foster care system - check on this with the proper authorities - he may some day have a chance at being adopted by a stable family who will love him and provide a safe, calm home for the rest of his life.
Sending you hugs in lieu of answers
Certainly no easy answers here at all. Does your AH want the child too? Or is the poor kid going out of the frying pan and into the fire...from one house that doesn't want him to another? If he doesn't legally want custody of the boy, then you have your answer there.
Do you really WANT the child or are you just feeling a sense of rescue? Do you love him? Are you willing to raise him - alone if need be - until adulthood?
I supposed (though this sounds terrible) you could go through the proceedings to get custody of the child, and THEN kick your AH out if he's still not in recovery, to keep him from being raised by yet another addict. That would be disruptive to the child too, but not like being abused and abandoned was.
Foster care can suck, but not always. At least in the foster care system - check on this with the proper authorities - he may some day have a chance at being adopted by a stable family who will love him and provide a safe, calm home for the rest of his life.
Sending you hugs in lieu of answers
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It depends on what state you are in as to what the procedures are but it can be a long, expensive process to get custody of a child, regardless of the reasons. You, because you are not a blood relations, may have a very hard time doing this on your own. Even as a blood relation, it can take years and thousands of dollars. You miught want to talk to CPS and find out what the possibilites realistically are. Or talk to an attorney.
I doubt that CPS is likely to give custody to an active alcoholic. Their invesstigations are likely to reveal that and I'm pretty sure that would end that possibility.
BTW, I know of a couple who physically had their now adoptive daught from the time she was 6 wks old (due to physcial abuse of the baby). It took roughly 4 yrs to get permanent custody and another 2 til they were allowed to adop her. It cost them more than $10K in legal fees to do it. It can be a very expensive process.
I doubt that CPS is likely to give custody to an active alcoholic. Their invesstigations are likely to reveal that and I'm pretty sure that would end that possibility.
BTW, I know of a couple who physically had their now adoptive daught from the time she was 6 wks old (due to physcial abuse of the baby). It took roughly 4 yrs to get permanent custody and another 2 til they were allowed to adop her. It cost them more than $10K in legal fees to do it. It can be a very expensive process.
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Hey guys thanks I appreciate it!
1. I would love to have him. He's been a part of our family from the time that I met my husband. In fact, he was with him (by chance) on our first date.
2. My husband's mission since day 1 is to get custody of him. He actually had FULL custody of him from the time that he was 6 wks until he was 11 months. But it was given back to the mother because she went through drug/parenting classes.
3. I know you guys hear this all the time and it sounds really stupid of me to say but, my husband is a good father to his children. He's better than a lot of sober people I know. I know it sounds dumb because "how can he be an active user and still be a good father?" I know. I know. But he is very involved in everything for our children. And he really does love them and us. He's just a stupid ass when it comes to using.
1. I would love to have him. He's been a part of our family from the time that I met my husband. In fact, he was with him (by chance) on our first date.
2. My husband's mission since day 1 is to get custody of him. He actually had FULL custody of him from the time that he was 6 wks until he was 11 months. But it was given back to the mother because she went through drug/parenting classes.
3. I know you guys hear this all the time and it sounds really stupid of me to say but, my husband is a good father to his children. He's better than a lot of sober people I know. I know it sounds dumb because "how can he be an active user and still be a good father?" I know. I know. But he is very involved in everything for our children. And he really does love them and us. He's just a stupid ass when it comes to using.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
my husband is a good father to his children. He's better than a lot of sober people I know. I know it sounds dumb because "how can he be an active user and still be a good father?" I know. I know. But he is very involved in everything for our children. And he really does love them and us.
I was in the process of leaving him. I couldn't take the lies, I couldnt' take the stealing or the constant drinking and drugs.
Please read the two passages of yours above.
Explain to me what constitutes a good father. Scratch what you wrote in that first passage and start again. Think hard before you answer.
If it's been bad enough that you were ready to leave, how in the world do you think it's been affecting the children who don't even have the coping mechanisms that adults have for such insanity in the home?
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
Please read the two passages of yours above.
Explain to me what constitutes a good father. Scratch what you wrote in that first passage and start again. Think hard before you answer.
If it's been bad enough that you were ready to leave, how in the world do you think it's been affecting the children who don't even have the coping mechanisms that adults have for such insanity in the home?
Explain to me what constitutes a good father. Scratch what you wrote in that first passage and start again. Think hard before you answer.
If it's been bad enough that you were ready to leave, how in the world do you think it's been affecting the children who don't even have the coping mechanisms that adults have for such insanity in the home?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Yes, I did read that, you said 'stupid but, my husband is a good father to the children.'
That's a rationalization.
A good father does not constantly drink/drug, lie and steal.
That's a rationalization.
A good father does not constantly drink/drug, lie and steal.
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