Hi, Opinions please???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Brighton, east sussex
Posts: 1
Hi, Opinions please???
Hi,
I just googled "weekend alchoholic" in the hope of getting some answers, & it lead me here, so I'm hoping someone here can answer my question, as I'm at my wits end, & don't know what to think or do any more.
I've known my husband a long time, friends long before we married, & he's always been a heavy drinker, but it used to be whenever he could, every day if that was an option, but I've never known him to be a "home" drinker, more social....but always to excess, & in an extremely greedy manner.
As he's got older, (now 45), his drinking had got better, its now only weekends, so I thought he was in control, & was basically just growing up...we were all part of a very party mined crowd when younger, & were often out drinking, often to excess, but I could always go without whenever I chose, & often did...........
BUT, after 7 years of marraige despite still loving him, I am ready to throw it all in, as its ruining mine & my Daughters lives, as even though HE can't see it, behind closed doors, he a nasty abusive drunk, & scares both me & our 6 year old Daughter.....I try to protect her from it, & feel I need to leave for her sake...but I'm torn, but during the week, he is a different man, good husband & Dad.........he says I imagine it, & if she tells him how she feels herself, even when he's sober....he blames me, saying I've put the words into her mouth...not true
I no longer drink at all, he says THAT is the problem, or blames my health problems putting him under more stress..... or work, or any other excuse he can think of...& though he only drinks at weekend, & still only socially,, he just doesn't seem able, or want to control it........its also mostly Larger, though strong largers...but its as if theres a race to get as much down his neck as possible..............
I've accepted this in the beginning as him needing to let off steam, after a hard week at work. so we agree he goes out on Saturday night, & gets drunk....I can keep out of his way, & make sure our Daughter is in bed, so as to avoid his potentionally nasty drunken alter ego.....
But where we live, pubs are family friendly & very sociable for all of us, & as a family we enjoy meeting friends, & eating & drinking together with our kids....but he has this seemingly insitiable thirst, knocking back an average of 9 -12 pints in a session, & though insisting he's either not drunk & I'm imagining it, or a "happy" drunk, behind closed doors he changes,
So far he's not actually hit me, but I often feel frightened of him, & don't feel I can argue with him fully...he's a big man, with a booming voice, & he gets very very nasty with me, snarling & spitting in my face, laughing at me, for my health problems, telling me how much of a burden I am, & its my fault that he drinks, because I make him uptight & angry...he also argues with our 6 year old, as if she was an adult, I've tried to video this, to show him when sober, how unreasonable he is been...but he knew, & though laughing in a very cocky snarling manner, behaved in front of the camera, just keept laughing.
WE go through this every weekend, sometimes from Friday through til Sunday, occasionally longer....I HATE the smell of him, & our bedroom, again I haven't slept all night, & AGAIN found our Daughter in tears hiding on the stairs frightened he was going to hurt me....then he just rolls over & sleeps, snoring loudly, like nothing ever happened...... yet he never has a hangover, but I can see it does effect his health by what he leaves in the toilet.
Sundays if I try to get him to come home with us after lunch, he's like a stroppy teenagers, pouting & moody for the rest of the night, & will cause a row anyway, if I leave him & ask him to come home early, he will just drink the same amount, only quicker, so is even in more of a state.
Come Monday morning, he's back to normal, smells bad, stale beer & sometimes vomit, but shakes himself down & goes to work, rarely remembers much of what he's put us through...........
Today he offered to collect our Daughter from School...normally she would be really excited, but she asked me to come instead.....he again thinks this is me...but is now all appologetic for "been a drunken rse", promising not to do this again......& saying how much he loves & doesn't want to lose us, but barely remembers what he's done.....
this is the same pattern every week, round & round in never ending circles.....& the mad thing is, he blames my health problems (fibromyalgia) for making him angry, but it this constant stress that makes me more ill!!!
Can someone who controls there drinking all week, & not drink at home, have a drink problem, is he a type of alcoholic, & if so, what type, & how can I help him to stop this????....its destroying us all
thank you
I just googled "weekend alchoholic" in the hope of getting some answers, & it lead me here, so I'm hoping someone here can answer my question, as I'm at my wits end, & don't know what to think or do any more.
I've known my husband a long time, friends long before we married, & he's always been a heavy drinker, but it used to be whenever he could, every day if that was an option, but I've never known him to be a "home" drinker, more social....but always to excess, & in an extremely greedy manner.
As he's got older, (now 45), his drinking had got better, its now only weekends, so I thought he was in control, & was basically just growing up...we were all part of a very party mined crowd when younger, & were often out drinking, often to excess, but I could always go without whenever I chose, & often did...........
BUT, after 7 years of marraige despite still loving him, I am ready to throw it all in, as its ruining mine & my Daughters lives, as even though HE can't see it, behind closed doors, he a nasty abusive drunk, & scares both me & our 6 year old Daughter.....I try to protect her from it, & feel I need to leave for her sake...but I'm torn, but during the week, he is a different man, good husband & Dad.........he says I imagine it, & if she tells him how she feels herself, even when he's sober....he blames me, saying I've put the words into her mouth...not true
I no longer drink at all, he says THAT is the problem, or blames my health problems putting him under more stress..... or work, or any other excuse he can think of...& though he only drinks at weekend, & still only socially,, he just doesn't seem able, or want to control it........its also mostly Larger, though strong largers...but its as if theres a race to get as much down his neck as possible..............
I've accepted this in the beginning as him needing to let off steam, after a hard week at work. so we agree he goes out on Saturday night, & gets drunk....I can keep out of his way, & make sure our Daughter is in bed, so as to avoid his potentionally nasty drunken alter ego.....
But where we live, pubs are family friendly & very sociable for all of us, & as a family we enjoy meeting friends, & eating & drinking together with our kids....but he has this seemingly insitiable thirst, knocking back an average of 9 -12 pints in a session, & though insisting he's either not drunk & I'm imagining it, or a "happy" drunk, behind closed doors he changes,
So far he's not actually hit me, but I often feel frightened of him, & don't feel I can argue with him fully...he's a big man, with a booming voice, & he gets very very nasty with me, snarling & spitting in my face, laughing at me, for my health problems, telling me how much of a burden I am, & its my fault that he drinks, because I make him uptight & angry...he also argues with our 6 year old, as if she was an adult, I've tried to video this, to show him when sober, how unreasonable he is been...but he knew, & though laughing in a very cocky snarling manner, behaved in front of the camera, just keept laughing.
WE go through this every weekend, sometimes from Friday through til Sunday, occasionally longer....I HATE the smell of him, & our bedroom, again I haven't slept all night, & AGAIN found our Daughter in tears hiding on the stairs frightened he was going to hurt me....then he just rolls over & sleeps, snoring loudly, like nothing ever happened...... yet he never has a hangover, but I can see it does effect his health by what he leaves in the toilet.
Sundays if I try to get him to come home with us after lunch, he's like a stroppy teenagers, pouting & moody for the rest of the night, & will cause a row anyway, if I leave him & ask him to come home early, he will just drink the same amount, only quicker, so is even in more of a state.
Come Monday morning, he's back to normal, smells bad, stale beer & sometimes vomit, but shakes himself down & goes to work, rarely remembers much of what he's put us through...........
Today he offered to collect our Daughter from School...normally she would be really excited, but she asked me to come instead.....he again thinks this is me...but is now all appologetic for "been a drunken rse", promising not to do this again......& saying how much he loves & doesn't want to lose us, but barely remembers what he's done.....
this is the same pattern every week, round & round in never ending circles.....& the mad thing is, he blames my health problems (fibromyalgia) for making him angry, but it this constant stress that makes me more ill!!!
Can someone who controls there drinking all week, & not drink at home, have a drink problem, is he a type of alcoholic, & if so, what type, & how can I help him to stop this????....its destroying us all
thank you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
A person is alcoholic or not depending on how it affects their life, not on how often they drink, weather they keep it to the weekends only, etc. Clearly he has some control issues.
What can you do about it? Nothing. He has to do it. I recommend AA, that is what works for me.
What can you do about it? Nothing. He has to do it. I recommend AA, that is what works for me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Welcome to Sr.
It really doesn't matter much if your husband has a drink problem or not, his drinking seems to be causing you problems and that's the only part of all this you can change.
When he blames your health problems, remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you cant control it.
What you can do is take whatever steps you need to to protect yourself and your daughter and make your own lives better.
It really doesn't matter much if your husband has a drink problem or not, his drinking seems to be causing you problems and that's the only part of all this you can change.
When he blames your health problems, remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you cant control it.
What you can do is take whatever steps you need to to protect yourself and your daughter and make your own lives better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
hi hippy,
Until he seeks some kind of recovery for himself, he will not get better and will continue to get worse. (Count on your daughter growing up to be a pretty screwed-up woman if this continues a few years...stop into the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum if you want to see what THAT looks like....I am ACoA and it's been dreadful)
Until he admits there's even a problem, he won't seek some kind of recovery. He might not anyway.
I personally could not stay with someone who verbally abused me, snarled and spit in my face, made fun of my medical issues, and frightened my daughter. I might not hit them with a shovel (maybe), but I certainly wouldn't choose to live with them any longer.
It seems you have tried many things to get him to stop, but he doesn't think your feelings matter. Perhaps it is time to stop focusing on him, and start focusing on saving yourself and your daughter from this abusive treatment.
Btw, it doesn't MATTER if it's just weekends. Even mass murderers don't kill people EVERY day, and Hitler loved dogs - that doesn't make any of it less reprehensible.
Have you read the "Sticky" posts at the very top of the forum? There is a wealth of information on dealing with difficult relationships with alcoholics, and finding help for ourselves. Al-Anon meetings were also great for me, in order to learn what I was dealing with and make healthy choices for myself.
You can't force him to stop what he's doing. But you can learn to set boundaries and make a plan for yourself what you'll do if/when they're crossed.
Good luck
Until he seeks some kind of recovery for himself, he will not get better and will continue to get worse. (Count on your daughter growing up to be a pretty screwed-up woman if this continues a few years...stop into the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum if you want to see what THAT looks like....I am ACoA and it's been dreadful)
Until he admits there's even a problem, he won't seek some kind of recovery. He might not anyway.
I personally could not stay with someone who verbally abused me, snarled and spit in my face, made fun of my medical issues, and frightened my daughter. I might not hit them with a shovel (maybe), but I certainly wouldn't choose to live with them any longer.
It seems you have tried many things to get him to stop, but he doesn't think your feelings matter. Perhaps it is time to stop focusing on him, and start focusing on saving yourself and your daughter from this abusive treatment.
Btw, it doesn't MATTER if it's just weekends. Even mass murderers don't kill people EVERY day, and Hitler loved dogs - that doesn't make any of it less reprehensible.
Have you read the "Sticky" posts at the very top of the forum? There is a wealth of information on dealing with difficult relationships with alcoholics, and finding help for ourselves. Al-Anon meetings were also great for me, in order to learn what I was dealing with and make healthy choices for myself.
You can't force him to stop what he's doing. But you can learn to set boundaries and make a plan for yourself what you'll do if/when they're crossed.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
hugs rockin,
you are unhappy and scared, your daughter is unhappy and scared, if someone told me that they were unhappy and scared of me I would look very hard at my behaviour, if that person was a child it would stop me dead in my tracks. I understand how you feel, you're probably not going to like this, but it is very unlikely that anything you can say or do will affect his drinking or behaviour. I never could, and I've been trying for years.
unfortunately I can relate to pretty much everything you have said, I'm sure that many people here can. You're not alone, and you are not imagining it. You have a right to be happy and feel safe. Your daughter has those rights too.
This isn't your fault, it isn't the fault of your illness, your daughter, work stress etc.
Have you looked into al-anon (for the friends and families of alcoholics)? there is a list of them on the alanon-uk website which will include brighton (google it). I have also found individual therapy really useful, I use a private therapist but many councils run alcohol & drug teams which also offer group/ one-to-one therapy for affected families.
this has helped me gain a valuable sense of perspective and realise that I have to live my life, without fear, or having to walk on eggshells, being hit isn't the only form of abuse and it is a soul-sucking environment to live in.
keep posting
you are unhappy and scared, your daughter is unhappy and scared, if someone told me that they were unhappy and scared of me I would look very hard at my behaviour, if that person was a child it would stop me dead in my tracks. I understand how you feel, you're probably not going to like this, but it is very unlikely that anything you can say or do will affect his drinking or behaviour. I never could, and I've been trying for years.
unfortunately I can relate to pretty much everything you have said, I'm sure that many people here can. You're not alone, and you are not imagining it. You have a right to be happy and feel safe. Your daughter has those rights too.
This isn't your fault, it isn't the fault of your illness, your daughter, work stress etc.
Have you looked into al-anon (for the friends and families of alcoholics)? there is a list of them on the alanon-uk website which will include brighton (google it). I have also found individual therapy really useful, I use a private therapist but many councils run alcohol & drug teams which also offer group/ one-to-one therapy for affected families.
this has helped me gain a valuable sense of perspective and realise that I have to live my life, without fear, or having to walk on eggshells, being hit isn't the only form of abuse and it is a soul-sucking environment to live in.
keep posting
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Al-Anon Family Groups, Sussex Area
A link if you need it rockinhippy, I found al anon very helpful the few times I've been.
A link if you need it rockinhippy, I found al anon very helpful the few times I've been.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
hi hippy,
Even mass murderers don't kill people EVERY day, and Hitler loved dogs - that doesn't make any of it less reprehensible.
Even mass murderers don't kill people EVERY day, and Hitler loved dogs - that doesn't make any of it less reprehensible.
this really is a great site hippy
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Welcome to SR.... I'm new here too and have found it very helpful...
One point I want to drive home is the issue with your child. I'm a ACoA.. (there I said it) Growing up in a home with these kinds of issues started me on a path of looking for the same. This is what I know from my own childhood....
I too think it might be a good idea to read the ACoA forum... Addition in whatever form it takes dose have lasting effects on the children..
Be Well
One point I want to drive home is the issue with your child. I'm a ACoA.. (there I said it) Growing up in a home with these kinds of issues started me on a path of looking for the same. This is what I know from my own childhood....
I too think it might be a good idea to read the ACoA forum... Addition in whatever form it takes dose have lasting effects on the children..
Be Well
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 62
Hi RockinHippy-
Sounds like you and I are in a similar boat. My AH is also a social drinker. He refuses to have a glass of wine with me at home, but will leave to go se a friend and end up drinking 12+ beers at a time. I am at the point where I am done caring about being a good wife, or making this marriage work. I need to do whatever it takes to be the best mom that I can be, and that means getting my daughter someplace that she can feel safe. Somewhere that she isn't afraid of her daddy, someplace where she doen't have to see daddy being mean to mommy, and somewhere that she doesn't have to change her behavior just because daddy is a) drunk, b)absent or c)hungover and mean. She needs stability. My daughter deserves better than what we have been living with, and so does yours.
I too, rarely drink anymore. I can see what it does. I know how awful I feel after a night of too many drinks, and I can't do that to myself, or my daughter. It's not worth it for me anymore.
I wish you the best, we have a long road to travel...
Sounds like you and I are in a similar boat. My AH is also a social drinker. He refuses to have a glass of wine with me at home, but will leave to go se a friend and end up drinking 12+ beers at a time. I am at the point where I am done caring about being a good wife, or making this marriage work. I need to do whatever it takes to be the best mom that I can be, and that means getting my daughter someplace that she can feel safe. Somewhere that she isn't afraid of her daddy, someplace where she doen't have to see daddy being mean to mommy, and somewhere that she doesn't have to change her behavior just because daddy is a) drunk, b)absent or c)hungover and mean. She needs stability. My daughter deserves better than what we have been living with, and so does yours.
I too, rarely drink anymore. I can see what it does. I know how awful I feel after a night of too many drinks, and I can't do that to myself, or my daughter. It's not worth it for me anymore.
I wish you the best, we have a long road to travel...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Please read the following stickies on abuse:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
There is nothing you can do to change him. He has to want to do it for himself.
However there is much you can do for yourself and your daughter.
You don't have to live this way.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease-it only gets worse, never better.
:ghug :ghug :ghug
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
There is nothing you can do to change him. He has to want to do it for himself.
However there is much you can do for yourself and your daughter.
You don't have to live this way.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease-it only gets worse, never better.
:ghug :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Hi Hippy, the very same search criteria brought me to this forum. I called my AH a weekend binge alcoholic, like he's never outgrown the life that we had in university, drinking and living it up every weekend. Difference was that he isn't nasty or abusive, but woe is me, I'm a failure and no one understands me kind of drunk. He stayed at home more after our baby was born, and that was our Friday, sometimes Sat night. I can sympathize with the stinky bedroom, the shakiness, his rough state.. I went to Al Anon finally, I really recommend it. It helped me find my perspective and slowly things started to change with me, and our dynamic. I finally separated with him but we're still in the same house, and he's been sober and going to AA since then. A really valuable thing that helped me was the saying "Nothing changes if nothing changes". Although through Al Anon I got better at detaching from his drunken weekends, the cycle was still there but with the difference of him, smelly and hungover, pathetically trying to apologize the next day when I went about my own business. Eventually that cycle grew tiresome and then one night when staying at friends he stumbled into bed and fell and steadied himself on our daughter's portable crib, it was it for me and I separated. I also DO NOT want my daughter growing up in a negative environment. I have renewed resolve to do what is right by her, even if I didn't do it for me all these years. Keep yourself and your girl safe, and my thoughts are with you.
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