Hugging at meetings kind of freaks me out

Old 03-23-2009, 07:05 AM
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Hugging at meetings kind of freaks me out

I like the al-anon meetings I go to except for one thing: the hugs and talking after the meetings. I know that it is probably just me, and that everyone means well, but after living such an isolated life for so long, it sort of freaks me out and makes me anxious about going. I feel like such a dork for admitting this.

Has anyone else experienced this and how did you cope/get over this?
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Old 03-23-2009, 07:45 AM
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I'm not a very huggy person at all Marigolds, and have a difficult time with this also. If I know it's going to happen though, and Im not blindsided by it...I do okay.
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Old 03-23-2009, 09:15 AM
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al-anon has helped me a lot but one thing i do feel uncomfortable about is the expected "instant trust", "instant intimacy" in the program. (i first went into al-anon in 1986 so i'm not new to it).

i feel that we are recovering from TOO MUCH trust, poor boundaries, and illusions that every person we meet is "nice".....and i wish al-anon actually addressed this in the format of its meetings. (i.e., the phone list which gives your home number to ANYONE who walks in the room, as one example, among others....which IMO is poor boundaries).

if i go to a new meeting, i do not put my phone number on the book, i usually leave as soon as the meeting ends unless i want to chat with someone specifically, and i let the members of the group earn my trust over time before i spill all to a room full of strangers. in time, i am able to discern who is trustworthy and who might be crazy (yes, there are dangerous people in al-anon just like everywhere else). i listen. i share only in a very general way. and i give myself time to decide who really seems to be in recovery. then those people are the ones i am willing to be more personal with after the meeting, if i feel like it.

the purpose of al-anon, for me, is to be reminded of the facts of the disease and to also look at general self-defeating patterns of behavior which inevitably happen as the result of relationship with addicts. when others in al-anon speak on topics like "fear" "control" "despair", etc. then apply the 12 steps to these troubles, my SPIRIT begins to heal. and that is the purpose of this spiritual program of recovery.

do it your way and follow your common sense regarding hugs, contact, etc. recovery is about learning to be our own authority and making good boundaries....finally.
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Old 03-23-2009, 09:30 AM
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I Had This Problem, Too

Way back when I first started going to Al-anon meetings, I didn't like this part either and I mentioned it to my sponsor. She said it was common among newcomers to Al-Anon b/c our social skills have been limited by hanging around with alcoholics. We get so used to being "on guard" all the time (esp. in social situations) that we have a hard time just letting go. She said it would pass, and it did. Never did (and still don't) really like being touched by people I don't know well - if I had to go to Europe and do that French "double kiss on each cheek" thing I see in the movies I would probably slug someone.

It is your body and your life - I personally don't think you are out of line refusing hugs, etc. if you feel uncomfortable with it. Maybe that will change, maybe not but it should be respected anyway.
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Old 03-23-2009, 09:38 AM
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If I don't want a hug from someone, where ever it happens, I step back and evade the hug. Or say please don't touch me, or let go or whatever works.

I tend to be a very touchy feely person, and love giving and receiving hugs but that doesn't mean I accept/allow hugs from someone I don't want to give me a hug.

It sounds a litte silly but hugging can be considered assault (or is it battery?) when it is unwelcome. No one has the right to touch me without my permission.
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Old 03-23-2009, 09:52 AM
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YES! I remember this from my very first AlAnon meeting and it really bothered me. There was a man who came right up to me after the meeting (which I had just bawled all the way through!) and went to hug me-- and I just put up my hand and said "I'm not into a hug right now! I'm OK." or something like that and his attitude was like-- well you'll come around, which really bothered me. I never went to that meeting again- but I lived in NYC at the time and I already had a week's worth of try-out meetings lined up....so I had a lot to choose from.

I ended up with 2 favorite meetings- one was a lunchtime meeting in the Wall Street area - and it was just like its surroundings "all business" it just wasn't a very "huggy" bunch of people.

The other was a large warm evening meeting and after a few months I gave and received my share of hugs- but only with people I had developed a connection with....

I've seen people shrinking from hugs at meetings and unfortunately the hugger does not pick up on the body language, I've seen assertive people just say very firmly but kindly-- "I'm not a hugger--don't take it personally!"

You can also share about your discomfort at the meeting - if it is a small recurring meeting then people should get the message and it might raise awareness that hugging can be welcome or a turn-off depending on each person's personal preferences. Everyone should be sensitive to that, not everyone is able to say "no thanks" in the moment.

Good luck-- I hope it doesn't keep you from going to AlAnon and getting help!!
peace,
b
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Old 03-23-2009, 10:08 AM
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LOL, this would bother me too, luckily I'm british and we don't do that sort of thing (the very idea <shudder> LOL) not even in the al-anon groups that I went to.
I found it hard enough to hold hands with people to say the serenity prayer at the end.
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Old 03-23-2009, 10:28 AM
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If placed in that situation I will also step back, put my purse in front of me or suddently turn away to greet someone else. Most people mean well but when I don't know them or if I'm not receptive, I decide what happens next. Sometimes when it's someone that I'm meeting for the first time I will extend my hand if I see an oncoming hugger. That sends a nice welcome with a good boundary. That usually takes care of it without having to confront-but I would have no problem speaking up if anyone were to persist in trying to get that close when I'm not comforable with that.
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Old 03-23-2009, 01:01 PM
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I can really see having a hard time saying no to a hug as a very codie problem. I've had this problem too. I worried that people would think I'm mean because I turn my back on my ex at meetings when he tries to dope-fiend me into a hug. No is a complete sentence, though, and we need to learn to say it sometimes.
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Old 03-23-2009, 01:54 PM
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I don't like hugging people I don't know well. I step back.
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Old 03-23-2009, 02:57 PM
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I have periods where I arrive at the meeting 5 minutes late and leave 5 minutes early to avoid hugs and contact.

It works perfectly for me.
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Old 03-23-2009, 06:59 PM
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Originally Posted by *Ceridwen View Post
LOL, this would bother me too, luckily I'm british and we don't do that sort of thing (the very idea <shudder> LOL)


I was NEVER a hugger before Alanon, if I wasn't sleeping w/you, I wasn't hugging you.

My first Alanon hug was from a 300lb plus BIG guy, took me by surprise (my now sponsor).

I've grown to love them. We've got some professional grade huggers in my group. One woman asks new comers if they accept hugs, I used to tell her no. Now she's one of my favorites. Another hugs long and hard and still, you can actually feel her energy transferring.

I'm glad to be a hugger now, I was missing out. I even enjoy the manhugs, in a manly sort of way. But I don't hug people till the time is right, hugging a stranger would be stupid!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. Took me a year or so to get comfortable......letting go-o-o-o-o. Ha!
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Old 03-23-2009, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Marigolds View Post
I like the al-anon meetings I go to except for one thing: the hugs and talking after the meetings. I know that it is probably just me, and that everyone means well, but after living such an isolated life for so long, it sort of freaks me out and makes me anxious about going. I feel like such a dork for admitting this.

Has anyone else experienced this and how did you cope/get over this?
Yeah, I was raised in a house where we weren't big on hugs, still not real comfortable with it but I'm getting better. If I don't feel like hugging I simply don't. Like the others have mentioned, it is my personal space, I can choose who I share that with. Folks in Al-Anon working a good program would be the first to agree with me, IMO.
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Old 03-23-2009, 07:51 PM
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I attend two different alanon meetings. Different place and practices. One is by the program and I enjoy the structure. That group is mixed with 60/40 woman to man ratio. I have received a couple of hugs there, but only from women I have spoken with before or after a meeting. And one of those ladies is an "energy" hugger. I was caught off guard the first time, but now I am comfortable with it. It is not common for me to find an energy person who can be still and just hug.

Now the other meeting I attend is mostly older women, and one husband. Older as in everyone is retired and most are grand parents. That is a hugging group. They warned me at my first meeting that they were accustomed to hugging after the closing prayer. I realized that most of these women lived alone and this was a way to enjoy human contact in a non threating manner. I was separated from my husband and missed being hugged. I decided after being hugged by those women, and a friendly light hug from the husband in the group, that I was sold on alanon. I liked the hugs. I even joke with them now that I'll keep coming back if I can keep getting those sober hugs!

I have some other senior friends that live alone and I know how important it is to them to count on a hug from me. It's a little thing I am able to give freely that lifts the spirits of someone feeling very alone.

So one meeting, I am guaranteed to get hugs. The other meeting, hugging is elective.
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