Osakis

I had a call from my brother this morning. I hadn't spoken to him (apart from email exchanges) since early February. He has been out of work since he went into treatment in late October. He's been looking for work, but with the economy as it is, and his track record, he's not been successful.

He's been living on his cashed-out retirement fund, but was finally forced to ask our mother for money for the rent, as he was about to be evicted. I also sent him a little money. For whatever reason, he claims not to be eligible for unemployment or welfare benefits (he does get food stamps). I know we're not supposed to help him financially, but I can't see him out on the street, especially since (if) he's sober and trying to get himself back together.

This morning's call was, I guess, to thank me for the gift. He souded like he was crying, and told me he's depressed and not sleeping. I asked if he's continuing to go to meetings, talk to his sponsor, see his counselor. He said yes. Since he seemed so despondent, I asked if he wanted me to come over. He said no.

Now I'm sitting at work stewing about what's going on with him. I don't want to go over to his place, as it would tear me up if he's drinking. But I am afraid of his state of mind.

Advice?

GiveLove

These are tough times for everybody, osakis. Even in the best of times, alcoholics sometimes have a hard time overcoming their past bad choices. I feel for you and for your brother.

What do you think your brother needs the most from you? Just someone to listen when he calls? Does he need help with his job search? Help finding a cheaper place to live, or reducing his living expenses even further? Help navigating public channels of assistance?

You are not responsible for him, but sometimes there are small things we can do that will ease our own pain and helplessness, without compromising our serenity. For me sometimes it was as simple as making sure my sister had a really good meal once a week.

And of course trying to keep the focus on our own life as much as possible. He is suffering the repercussions of his choices and that's terribly sad, but it is mostly out of our control. In these kinds of times, although I'm in no way religious, I taught myself how to pray. And took one day at a time, with a deep breath in between.

I know how hard this is

Osakis

I'm struggling with what my brother needs from me vs. what my own codependency feels the need to do for him. My brother would love to have someone else take care of his problems -- deal with social services, arrange for his medical care, negotiate with his creditors. And the codie in me feels compelled to take charge and try to sort his problems out. But everything I read says it's important for addicts to take responsibility for themselves in these matters.

We (my mother and I) have let him know he's welcome to come home and stay with us as long as he's sober. He has declined that offer. In fact, except in circumstances where he's really desperate - like now - he has tended to keep his distance from us. Whether that's to protect us or himself, I can't say.

I do pray for him, many times a day. But I have a feeling of such dread, waiting for the next big CRASH to come. I don't know if my elderly mother can take much more; his problems weigh on her so heavily. And HER stress and sorrow, along with my brother's issues, weigh on me.

GiveLove

There are many schools of thought around what you should and shouldn't do for an alcoholic. So this is just me personally talking.

I believe that alcoholics need to suffer the consequences of their own actions. BUT if a recovering family member were to come to me and ask me for help to try to find treatment programs, counseling, or to try to navigate the labyrinth of public services in order to keep from being evicted and get medical care, I would certainly do that just as I would for anyone else. Not DO for them. HELP them. Meaning: we do it together. Those kinds of things are hard to do even if you have a whole, undamaged brain to work with.

The codie question is one that only you can answer. I would know (at this stage in my own recovery) that I was doing this from love, and not from control or rescue. It is one gift that practicing detachment has given me: being able to assist with these difficult tasks without assigning any need for a certain outcome.

Then again, if he doesn't want your help, I certainly wouldn't force it on him. If you talk with someone who lives on the street, you'll find them amazingly resourceful. They know where to go to find a bed to sleep, where to get day labor, where the free meals are. Though it would be bad for your brother to end up that way, there are certainly worse places than the U.S. to find ones' self homeless.

By the way, offering him a home with you "if he's sober" may backfire on you, and I'd urge caution there. It is very difficult to get someone out of your home once he's there - and if he moves in sober, but doesn't stay that way, prepare for some horrible drama. Then YOU will be responsible for putting him on the street....and few of us could face that responsibility without suffering psychic damage.

Take care of yourself osakis. There are no easy solutions here...let the non-codie side of your heart guide you as best it can....

Osakis

Thanks for the advice. I'm still worried, especially since he's not answering his phone now (my sister and his sponsor have tried to call). I'm aware that I tend to "create drama" (another codie behavior), so I'm trying not to panic. His sponsor is going to check on him as soon as he gets back in town (he's on a personal errand right now). I suspect he'll find him drinking; I hope he won't find anything worse. My brother has been prescribed valium for his anxiety, which also worries me -- drinking and tranquilizers are such a dangerous mix.

If I had any courage, I'd go over there myself. But I'm so scared of what I might find. This is a nightmare that never ends.

justanothrdrunk

Why aren't you supposed to help him financially? I mean, if he's sober and working a recovery program?

I'm not saying that you should. But it sounds like (to me) you're automatically removing that as an option just because he was an active alcoholic. This doesn't make sense to me.

I don't know all the details of your situation - so take this with a grain. But if I had the means to help a family member who was otherwise doing what they could to improve their situation, and not in active use/addiction, I mean why not help?

edit to add: in reading again it sounds like he may not have much sobriety/recovery going on after all. If there are doubts about sobriety, then the above doesn't apply.

GiveLove

((((( osakis ))))))

I would be worried too - for the same reasons. Remember that as much as you care about your brother, he gets to make his own choices even if they seem terribly sad to you. Even though my sister's choices eventually took her from me, in the end I know that she left us knowing that we always loved her and hoped for her to find recovery and happiness again.

Try to stay in the moment as best you can, and hopefully his sponsor will have better news.