anubus

The other day my kids (ages 21 & 25) were visiting, and we got into some heavy mind searching conversation. They both told me that I seem to LIKE drama in my life.....that if things are going too smoothly, I get bored, create some drama. Then yesterday I mentioned this to my neighbor/friend, and she laughed & agreed........:wtf2
SO.....I'm wondering about this now. I DO seem to always have drama/kaos in my life, but I always blamed it on my XH first, then more recently my ABF. I always figured it was THEM who brought the drama, and in my mind I thought how much I hated it.....but now I'm THINKING.

IF they are right, WHY on earth would a person LIKE drama?

MissFixit

Hi,

Don't know the answer to your question.

Someone years ago asked me if I liked to live in chaos and was that the reason I stayed with my exA.

In therapy now and the therapist asks about my childhood. I had a VERY unstable childhood, unpredictable, mentally ill parent and lots of drama. I was used to it I guess. I hate it now and seek out stable people, environments and routines. I like to add excitment through day trips, and travel.

I would suggest talking with a therapist as that is a BIG one to tackle alone. Maybe look back to the environment you grew up in and how you viewed life/expectations of others...

Good luck. It is an interesting and kind of scary topic to explore, but a useful one.

Miss

respektingme

Well, I have found myself wondering the same as well. My mother had a vile temper. No physical abuse, but when she started screaming it was complete hell. I reacted to her rage by cowering. My stepmother had a wicked temper and when she started screaming, slamming doors, calling me every name in the book, I also cowered. It was what I knew. So, when I married an alcoholic, the drama wasn't anything new to me. I have never known anything different. I have responded out of fear to my mother, my stepmother, my husband and his mother (who has had him by the gonads for our entire marriage and loves to remind me of this). I just don't know anything different. I don't know how people live who don't have lives full of drama.

Do I love drama? Initially I'd say, hell no! But I haven't done much to get away from it either, so perhaps I do.

I had one of the best weekends ever with my DH this weekend. We've been married 16 years and honestly, this may be the first weekends I have looked at him with respect. I feel joy today. I think the feeling of true joy is so rare that I don't aim to get it because I think it's impossible to get. I feel like a mole who's been digging around in the dirt its entire life and just caught a peek of sunlight.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up. Saying someone loves drama seems like a derogatory thing to say. I doubt you really love drama. It's probably all you've ever known and you may feel comfort in keeping that same role. But I doubt you love it. Sounds like something that could definitely be worked on with a therapist.

JenT1968

I know I choose a lot of people to be in my life who bring chaos and drama, friends and partners.

My parents had a very unstable marriage, lots of leaving, shouting, anger, arguments that lasted for months, dragging the kids in and using us as pawns for point scoring. It was high adrenaline stuff for a child. So I guess that is what I know.....

....why that would mean I would continue to seek it out is not clear to me.

I know I also find people who have never experienced any mental health issues (i.e. even mild depression etc) a bit scary, because I don't understand how they tick, I know that on a deep level, I have always thought that you have to be a bit stupid to have never realised how dark it is out there sometimes and to not let it get to you (I know, I know, I'm working on it). I also feel safer with people that are not-so-perfect, I feel under less pressure to be perfect.... (again not a nice trait).

I also know that I have equated intensity with passion/love, so I experiened love as an intense, and often intensely hurtful emotion, that was my model. Rather than slow burning embers, that warmed and sustained, it would be out-of-control intensley hot fires that burned me...

but further than that:
a) I don't think I have rejected lots of offers from non-drama people to be part of my life, they probably run a mile from me: so its a self-limiting pool, we all need friends.

and b) I rarely reject/cut off anyone (in a friendship way), so I can end up with all sorts of people around me, which is down to cowardice really.

sorry lots of rambling thoughts, good topic, very important I think

respektingme

I'm with you. I like people who are honest and real. I like the Joan Rivers types. The ones who say what they think. The ones who work reallllly hard at projecting an image of perfection scare the crap out of me.

I have a neighbor who has her bs in social work. She talked alot about her degree when we first met and gave me the impression she had lots of answers about psychotherapy in general, how people tick, etc. Turns out, she's an absolute fruitcake!! She worked very hard at convincing me she was someone she's not. And when I found out who she really is, I can't blame her!

My closest friends may not read the bible every day, they may smoke, they may curse, and they all have had their fair share of life's troubles.... but they are real and I can count on them.

Anyway, didn't meant to get OT. Wondering how much difference in drama levels people who are real have vs. people who pretend their lives are perfect.

JoBloggs

I think I seek out drama too. I don't come from an abusive family but I think that my father was so emotionally unavailable to me (and other members of my family, including my lovely mum) that it was only in dramatic situations that I got ANY attention from him. My dad is not an alcoholic - maybe he was a workaholic but a real loner anyway - but I have recreated a similar situation with my AH because he is emotionally unavailable to me (usually cos he is in a bar) and we create high drama when we clash about his drinking! (Ok, I know that's not good and I am detaching! LOL!)...

mamaplus2kids

I thought I was on the path of co-dependent recovery, until this past weekend. My life had gotten quite boring, so I invited an old friend and her AB into my home for a few days. I now see that I was inviting chaos into my life.

Why am I so loyal to old friendships that are obviously unhealthy? Why did I get into her drunk boyfriend's car and allow him to drive? Why was I too afraid to stand my ground and insist that he follow my house rules? Why am I such a coward?

Now that these guests are gone, I realize how unhealthy my old friendships were and how far I've grown. I also realize how much strength I still need to acquire to stand up to drunks in my life.

That brings me to another point: how can I break those old unhealthy friendships and make new healthy ones? It's so hard to find healthy people!!

GiveLove

I grew up with drama and chaos and I learned to live it as an adult. It felt "normal."

It also made me feel alive, needed, important. I felt like I was part of life, an interesting person, someone things happen to and for....and I was the center of attention when drama happened, which was very important to someone who was ignored as a child. As a younger person I was in love with TV, movies, sweeping books. There was ALWAYS something happening to those people (think about it....when was the last time you saw a movie about someone eating breakfast, going to work, reading a book, going to sleep? lol)

I was probably 35 before I could just sit with myself on a sunny bench and do nothing. Or spend an entire month without something going terribly wrong (usually something I'd invited into my life to create drama, because it felt normal....see how that vicious cycle works?)

Even when I finally corralled that, I had to rechannel my energy into other things that made me feel important to me. Instead of being around alcoholics, for example, I started getting involved in my community, doing things I cared about. Working on another college degree. Learning karate. Dramatic in their own way - but healthy drama.

This is an important step for you, anubus.

Can you imagine life without (bad) dramatic things happening?

Does that sound boring to you? Does it make you fearful on any level? Would there be some kind of a loss for you?

(Journaling is great for these kinds of thoughts...)

lovtolaff

Ditto for me too.

Impurrfect

(((Anubus)))

This IS a big step for you! I was the same way. If I didn't have enough drama in my life, I created it. When I was with the first XABF, and things got calm, I would start an argument or spend more money than I had, and overdraw my checking account. Of course, I didn't realize it at the time, but in hindsight, I can see that I was totally uncomfortable with the "calmness" and seeking to find my comfort zone, which was chaos.

I don't have the answers of how I got to where I am today...the exact opposite...I am now very protective of my calm and serene life. I just know that when I got into recovery for my addiction, and also started working on my codie stuff at the same time, I was very tired of the life I had been living. Sure, at first, my life seemed pretty boring. I went to work, paid bills, came home and got on SR. I think what helped me a lot, though, was constantly reminding myself of all that I have to be grateful for. My list was short, at first, as I was pretty angry. It didn't take long, though, and my list was very long. Once I started looking for things to be grateful for, I found all KINDS of things!

Today, i have gone from being someone who thrived on chaos and drama, to someone who fiercely protects my serenity. There is still drama and chaos around me, but I know how to get ME back to a place of calmness, and it makes my life SOOOOOO much better.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

kj3880

My exabf said that about me. It really scared me and made me think.

We were dating when I mentioned to him that another man in NA liked me and had wanted to date me also. This man was about 50, settled, good job, 17 years clean, home-owner, grown children, quiet life, kind and pleasant to everyone, active in recovery. But I didn't choose him. I choose exabf, 33, 6 months in recovery, no-job-having, living in a half-way house, always running his mouth, irresponsible, bipolar, relapsing, attention-seeking, King Baby.

So when my exabf heard from me that this man had asked me out, he said "Oh, he would have bored you to tears. You need that excitement."

Not anymore!!!! I'm over the drama. And I'm alone, which is great. BUT, if and when I do decide to get back out there in the dating pool, I'm going to take another look at the other guy....I think it's time I got another type of "just my type."

Love,
KJ

GiveLove

I think I'd put this on a T-shirt if I could

Thanks, KJ

appleblaster

I've been wondering the same thing for a long time, Anubus and i've come to realize that (for me) its a very much learned behavior. As others have said, I don't know anything but chaos and drama. Its great what GiveLove said about being 35 before being able to sit on the beach alone. I'm just getting to that point and i'm 38!

I used to believe that being alone meant you didn't have a significant other in your life. Having true peace is when you can sit with yourself and do nothing. This applies to the addict/alcoholic too. My exabf told me that he doesn't feel "alive" if he's not using, drinking or dealing. The whole lifestyle is what makes him feel like a person and that's why he will always seek it out. He's been using since 15 so I can see how that would be all he knows.

....but the beautiful thing is that we all have choices.....

Its our choice to seek out better behaviors just like its the addicts/alcoholics choice to either sober up or stay in their sickness.

My sister (who is 4 yrs older than me) is a complete drama-seeker and she has no clue yet. I feel for her b/c she won't sit still long enough to even take a quick look at herself and her behavior. She applies quick, temporary fixes for the hurts in her life like abusive relationships, fights with her siblings, friends, etc. It really hurts to hear her say that she doesn't understand why all these bad things keep happening to her and that she wants "no drama". Wow, she has no idea she's the complete drama magnet! I would put it into a box and give it to her if I could but she will hear when she is ready.

It does take a LOT of effort, patience and practice for me to sit still in a chair and be with myself. It took forever for me to figure out who "me" is, then it took even longer for me to shape that person into a healthier being. I'm still not done and posts like this remind me that i'm not alone.

Anubus, its a great thing that you are even aware that you seek out drama & chaos. That's a huge realization. You are brave for posting it and wise for realizing it.
Thank you!

SonofaMess

First let me say I think theres some good feedback on here that has already been posted.

I can say personally that because of such an erratic life I had growing up, for a while it was all I knew. So anytime things got calm and "good" it felt strange and I did feel like I was a little bit more drawn to some kind of chaos. Directly or indirectly. It didn't take long to figure out why it was happening for myself.

Something to think about. Other people may not have helped, but you may very well be naturally drawn to negative things and "drama". But if you are now aware of it, practicing a little bit of self control should help out a lot.

Good luck to you and anyone else on here who may have the same tendencies.

peaceteach

About that whole "I think it's time I got another type of "just my type" line of thinking. I have been dating a non-drama guy, my first relationship since my nearly 30 year marriage to my exAH. It IS sometimes boring, and I do sometimes wonder if it's the real thing. I've had to correct my own behaviors several times from how I "used" to deal with stress and conflict to how I deal now, as a more mature adult who has found serenity and likes it. This guy is rock steady, kinda nerdy, loves me sincerely, and is totally Joe-normal. I am mostly always crazy about him, but occasionally he seems too routine, too regular. Again, I have to be wary of myself thinking that excitement and impulsiveness is sometimes waaaayyy over-rated, especially in my 50's!

I wonder if, in my past, I allowed myself to be told by the "A's" in my life that people who aren't crazy or wild or daring like drunks and druggies are boring and uninteresting people. You know, how A's always tend to think everyone who isn't like them is an *******? And how they only want to hang out with or talk to other A's?

It's time for us as codependency survivors, to decide WHAT is really attractive in our partners, not to rely on poorly learned information that was taught to us by addicted personalities. We can pick the traits that work for us, not fall back on immature and childish notions of drama and intensity. I'm ready for mature. I still have to remind myself at times, though, that BAD BOYS really aren't that great in the long term-LOL! And that slow, steady, and occasionally boring is what long-term love and committment really is.....

TakingCharge999

no drama, no life, seems to have been my motto
time to change it to a new motto

i agree bad boys suck !! give me a boring geek anytime. LOL

peaceteach

Especially when they are there EVERY night to hold you in their arms, to go to bed WITH you and wake up WITH you, eat meals WITH you, spend quality time WITH you and prefer you over any others and over their drug/drink of choice.

You are right. Boring geek rules in all the areas that count.

TakingCharge999

yeah, i read that somewhere

you do not want a smoldering gaze... you want someone who can actually SEE you.

can you imagine? someone that boosts your life, and motivates you to feel better about yourself and do the great stuff you have not done yet, that helps you fulfill all your potential / because he is constantly improving, and working on being a better version of himself as well.

it motivates me to think i have not known the love i seek and slowly i am getting closer to it. suddenly goodbyes do not feel so much as losses anymore. and more like stepping stones.

its like visiting a different planet !

Ago

one reason to constantly have drama in your life is so you can point to the problem being "over there" as opposed to "in here"

It's a way to avoid introspection and being "still"

another reason already mentioned, is because it's what you know, we recreate what feels comfortable, no matter how painful, and it's amazing how uncannily accurate we are in picking "our mother/father" etc, we think, look at all the outside stuff, he/she is the complete opposite, then we find out it's the same "actor" just playing a different role.

My self realizations about this have made me sick to my stomach.

I had a situation come up once in a relationship when I was having some pretty serious work drama, I solved it with about .03% of my brain power and zero energy.

The same situation came up again a few months later when I had no "drama du jour" and it turned into a 3 month train wreck that was nearly a deal breaker.

I was redoing my steps and spotted it twice, once when it caused no drama, and once when it made me do the chicken little.....the difference?

Once it was the "Drama du jour" the other time it didn't even register on my radar.

It was exactly the same situation.

Exactly.

I still struggle with this.

Daily.

struggle.

I see what I'm doing but it....it's hard.

The wave is going to take me from point A to point B whether I like it or not, the question is am I going to learn to surf or be drug struggling and drowning.

I'm learning to surf (again)

BTW

Some experience?

unless you change yourself, you will keep picking the same partners over and over, you will just pick different versions of "him" but the truth is, the problem isn't "him".

It's a nice fantasy, it just doesn't happen to be the truth.

Do the steps and you will see all of your partners have one thing in common.

You.

Unless you change, your choices won't change, the "symptoms" and "outside stuff" will appear different for a year or so, then one day you wake up asking yourself how you ended up here again.

That's a lesson learned slowly and painfully over many many years and redoing the steps a few times as well.

P.S. You'll notice I didn't mention anything about nerdy reformed bad boys, therefore getting the best of both worlds because if I did my girlfriend would BEAT my @ss, she's only about three foot five but she can totally take me.

anubus

Thank you for all the wonderful replies! And not to downplay that it IS something I need to be aware of, and work on......but it is encouraging to hear that so many others have the same problem.