babsywabsy

I feel so frustrated! Living with my AH is a roller coaster ride. You've all lived it. Some days ok, some days so full of drama and uneasiness it's hard to sleep. I want to leave my AH, I don't love him anymore and sometimes I feel like I hate him. I am a stay at home mom, with two small children. I do not work outside of the home and don't have any $$ of my own (stupid! I know!).

I cannot leave my children alone with their own father. He starts drinking at 7am! Shots of vodka! He is somehow able to keep his job and, remarkably, do well at it.

I hope everyday that he will for some reason, choose to quit. And sometimes I just hope that something awful will happen that will force him to change his ways. I don't feel like that would save our marriage, but I want his children to grow up knowing that under there somewhere is the man I married who, at the time, was pretty terrific.

I'm not really in the right financial position to leave him and I think that if I did, I'd be more worried b/c then he'd have visitation with our kids and could be drunk while taking care of them.

I know there really aren't any answers and I probably sound like a whiner who knows she should leave, but never does. But, I haven't posted in a while and it's nice to be able to vent.

Babsy

PS - He is currently around the corner sitting in a car with a buddy from high school drinking and having a "really awesome conversation" - :0(

AcceptingChange

Well, it sounds like you're going to leave at some time. Right now you're caring for your children, and staying in the situation you have right now is your best option. It's not the one you wish for, but it is your best option for the near present time.

But, you can use this time to plan. Plan how you can make changes in your life that you want to make. Use a notebook and pen, and write down your situation, and figure out the things you need to live in a situation you want to live in. Then determine how much time it will take you to achieve that goal. Then, go to bed.
The next day, do some more of that kind of stuff.

Do 5 minutes every day, and within 2-3 months, you'll have a good plan in place. A good solid plan that you know you can work. But it's still on paper, you haven't risked anything.

It's a big decision, so don't be rash.
Do some planning, evaluate, and then make your move.

You can make the changes you need to make. Just work on your plan.

respektingme

babsy, I am in the exact same situation. I don't know about you, but the combination of staying at home, being out of the work force and being at his mercy in more ways than one really scared the hell out of me when it came to even thinking about being worthy enough for someone to hire me. My self-esteem was truly in the gutter. AH thought I was lazy. I was petrified! Anyway, I am substitute teaching. I was scared to death before I started. Couldn't imagine standing in front of kids and facing their torment. My mind really played some games with me. The kids are great! I'm not working fulltime, but my confidence is back and I could if I wanted to. I've eased myself back into the workforce and am working the same hours that my kids are in school.

My DH also is good at his job. He's an executive with huge responsibilities and sometimes I wonder how the heck nobody at work has seen his split personalities. I have two kids also. And I've been a stay-at-home mother. Years ago when we decided that I'd stay at home, I never realized how frozen with fear it would make me over time. When AH would get drunk, I was a "gold-digging bitch", "lazy", "fat", etc.

I felt so dependent on him. I'll never make nearly what he does, but the more I gain my independence, the more options I feel like I have. Best of luck to you. Everybody told me to get a job and my self-esteem would improve. They were right. But it was scary getting started.

Still Waters

I was in your same situation almost babsy - totally dependent on my AH's income/money. And I didn't have little ones, just one teenager who is taller than I am

It's...well, I know how it is. You feel helpless, stuck between wanting stability (a home, food, etc.) for your children, yet knowing that you really need to get them out of that situation. Yet, you have no money.

I also couldn't leave mine alone with him, with the mental and emotional abuse he dished out, and this was after he quit drinking. Dry drunks are not good for anyone to be around either.

It's hell. A living hell. I was almost immobilized, I couldn't think or move, I couldn't sleep or eat.

Have you spoken to an attorney? They will do an initial consult for no fee. You need to know your rights, and what to expect.

Do you have family who can help out? Do they know what's going on?

Freedom1990

No situation is hopeless.

A lot of legitimate colleges now offer degrees online. I'm currently going for my associate of applied science in medical information technology.

I'm not in an ideal situation as both of my kids are grown, but I'm still financially dependent on my parents to an extent as I have disabilities. I'm in recovery-my parents aren't. There are always 'strings' attached to their help.

I had to start setting goals for myself in order to preserve my sanity.

I found a profession that would allow me to work with my disabilities-medical billing/coding, much of which is now contracted out and done from home.

I enrolled in a community college 36 miles away that is well known for their degree in that field and I can test for national certification as a Registered Health Information Technician as soon as I graduate, instead of having to work 3 years in the field first. All of my courses are online, so I can sit in front of my computer on my orthopedic cushion!

I will be self-supporting through my own contributions when all is said and done. I raised two daughters on my own, but that has been through low-paying jobs that were physically demanding, and I can no longer do.

You can start taking steps to free yourself from the current situation. The suggestion to consult with an attorney is an excellent one. Letting your mind run ahead with the 'what if's' as far as visitation serves no purpose other than to keep you stuck in a dead end rut.

:ghug :ghug

babsywabsy

First of all, thank you for all of your responses. It's amazing how reaching out to others who share a common experience can really help. I spent my day thinking about a "plan" and some "goals" and even discussed it with a few very dear friends. They had some great suggestions and each one offered a place to stay for me and my kids should we need it.

Thank you Thank you

I am grateful for all of the beautiful things in my life.

TakingCharge999

hello babsy!
i also know that, although it sucks, you can start a journal with his habits, pictures, etc. so if you choose a divorce, you have proof of his addiction and all his visitations are supervised. so u dont have to worry about the kids being alone with their dad.
i wish i could take the pain away. i can only offer you an ear to listen and all my ((hugs))