Am I unreasonable or is he being selfish?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2
Am I unreasonable or is he being selfish?
Hi, I'm new to this board and I'm here sort of out of desperation. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half and he has been sober for 10 1/2 months.
I thought that the day I found out he was an alcoholic would be one of the hardest days of my life. Boy was I wrong. The problem that I'm dealing with, and have been dealing with for the last 6 or so months of his sobriety and our relationship, is the feeling that his life has begun to revolve around AA. What I mean by this, is that I understand that he needs to go to meetings every day to stay sober. But, I also feel like rather than confiding in me, he tells all of his problems, feelings, etc. to his sponsor.
One of our biggest obstacles (and it would be even if he wasn't an alcoholic) is that he works nights. So he is at work from about 10:30 PM to 7 AM and then needs to sleep until about 4 PM. Even though we live together, I feel like we spend hardly any time with each other and I often get frustrated when, at 4 PM, he heads off to the gym, comes back to shower and get ready, heads to a couple of meetings, and then straight to work. I feel like he choses meetings over spending time with me.
I also feel like he has become a completely different person now that he has been sober almost a year. He is easily irritated, he has replaced his addiction to alcohol and perscription medication with computer games and coffee, he seems completely disinterested in me and our sex life has gone from fantastic to non-existant, and he never helps out around the house.
Is anyone else dealing with similar issues?? Do I just try and stick it out and tell myself he is still in an adjustment period? Will our relationship get better with time or is it just slipping away? Sometimes, selfishly, I wish he would start drinking again and I could forget about the alcoholism. I guess ignorance really was bliss. I know his life is better now that he is sober, but I wish our relationship wasn't the trade off.
I thought that the day I found out he was an alcoholic would be one of the hardest days of my life. Boy was I wrong. The problem that I'm dealing with, and have been dealing with for the last 6 or so months of his sobriety and our relationship, is the feeling that his life has begun to revolve around AA. What I mean by this, is that I understand that he needs to go to meetings every day to stay sober. But, I also feel like rather than confiding in me, he tells all of his problems, feelings, etc. to his sponsor.
One of our biggest obstacles (and it would be even if he wasn't an alcoholic) is that he works nights. So he is at work from about 10:30 PM to 7 AM and then needs to sleep until about 4 PM. Even though we live together, I feel like we spend hardly any time with each other and I often get frustrated when, at 4 PM, he heads off to the gym, comes back to shower and get ready, heads to a couple of meetings, and then straight to work. I feel like he choses meetings over spending time with me.
I also feel like he has become a completely different person now that he has been sober almost a year. He is easily irritated, he has replaced his addiction to alcohol and perscription medication with computer games and coffee, he seems completely disinterested in me and our sex life has gone from fantastic to non-existant, and he never helps out around the house.
Is anyone else dealing with similar issues?? Do I just try and stick it out and tell myself he is still in an adjustment period? Will our relationship get better with time or is it just slipping away? Sometimes, selfishly, I wish he would start drinking again and I could forget about the alcoholism. I guess ignorance really was bliss. I know his life is better now that he is sober, but I wish our relationship wasn't the trade off.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Welcome
Your post deserves a well thought out, reasonably cogent response, this is all very standard, the meetings every night, the video gaming, the meetings every night....he has replaced his old addictions with new ones, namely video games and meetings, find his copy of The Big Book and read "The Family Afterward", belabor him about the head and ears with what you find there
AA Big Book - Chapter 9
there is a chance he is actually serious about his program, if so that may get his attention, otherwise he has already left the relationship the body just aint cold yet.
yes, he is being incredibly selfish, and it sounds like he just doesn't want to be home any more, and rather then man up he is using "his sobriety" and video gaming to create space and distance.
He doesn't need to go to meetings every night, we get sober to have lives, not lose them...
however, you ask "Am I being unreasonable?"
well, I wouldn't say you were unreasonable for wanting these things in a relationship but it appears you are unreasonable in wanting them from him, you are "going to a dry well" or "going to a hardware store for bread"
Ask him if he would be willing to set aside a few days/nights a week for 'date night/day?
When we get sober we change.....a LOT, the demographic for video game addiction is young male that has a life decision they aren't willing or ready to make yet, college age looking for a career, major relationship issues they don't want to address etc.
His behavior is "textbook", and quite frankly I don't know how it will end up, but I have seen this exact behavior a few hundred times in sponsees and young men around the program, and quite frankly, I don't know where the chips will fall, it's about 50/50
I would seek for women with direct experience with sober men, maybe try asking in the alcoholic 12 step forum as well?
I'm pretty tired and addled, but please feel free to PM when you get the requisite 6 posts or whatever, and I may be able to put you into contact with women in AA who have dated men in AA with the same issues and find out how they navigated it and what happened.
Good luck
I'm so sorry, and do read the link I sent, at the very least he deserves a good beating administered by the very program he's hiding from you in, and with any luck it will reach him.
Your post deserves a well thought out, reasonably cogent response, this is all very standard, the meetings every night, the video gaming, the meetings every night....he has replaced his old addictions with new ones, namely video games and meetings, find his copy of The Big Book and read "The Family Afterward", belabor him about the head and ears with what you find there
AA Big Book - Chapter 9
there is a chance he is actually serious about his program, if so that may get his attention, otherwise he has already left the relationship the body just aint cold yet.
yes, he is being incredibly selfish, and it sounds like he just doesn't want to be home any more, and rather then man up he is using "his sobriety" and video gaming to create space and distance.
He doesn't need to go to meetings every night, we get sober to have lives, not lose them...
however, you ask "Am I being unreasonable?"
well, I wouldn't say you were unreasonable for wanting these things in a relationship but it appears you are unreasonable in wanting them from him, you are "going to a dry well" or "going to a hardware store for bread"
Ask him if he would be willing to set aside a few days/nights a week for 'date night/day?
When we get sober we change.....a LOT, the demographic for video game addiction is young male that has a life decision they aren't willing or ready to make yet, college age looking for a career, major relationship issues they don't want to address etc.
His behavior is "textbook", and quite frankly I don't know how it will end up, but I have seen this exact behavior a few hundred times in sponsees and young men around the program, and quite frankly, I don't know where the chips will fall, it's about 50/50
I would seek for women with direct experience with sober men, maybe try asking in the alcoholic 12 step forum as well?
I'm pretty tired and addled, but please feel free to PM when you get the requisite 6 posts or whatever, and I may be able to put you into contact with women in AA who have dated men in AA with the same issues and find out how they navigated it and what happened.
Good luck
I'm so sorry, and do read the link I sent, at the very least he deserves a good beating administered by the very program he's hiding from you in, and with any luck it will reach him.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi J, and welcome to SR. There's lots of good information here - when you have time I suggest you read the "stickies" on the various forums.
My experience has shown that addicts and alcoholics who are ready to work a program of recovery (often a 12 step program) really do put themselves into their program 100%. Most of the time a newly recovering person will be advised to not be in a relationship for his/her first year.... but obviously it's a bit more complicated if that person was already IN a relationship (dating, married, living together etc) when s/he entered recovery
A lot of times they are encouraged to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. When not at meetings they are talking with a sponsor or meeting someone for coffee, talking on the phone etc... replacing their old drinking/using behaviors with new ones. I can't say if your BF is doing that or not, but it's possible.
Are you able to attend any Al Anon meetings in your area? You'll find others there with similiar situations. Al "Anon meetings really helped me to understand a lot of things.
Others will be along soon to share their experience, strength and hope. I'm glad you found us!
My experience has shown that addicts and alcoholics who are ready to work a program of recovery (often a 12 step program) really do put themselves into their program 100%. Most of the time a newly recovering person will be advised to not be in a relationship for his/her first year.... but obviously it's a bit more complicated if that person was already IN a relationship (dating, married, living together etc) when s/he entered recovery
A lot of times they are encouraged to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. When not at meetings they are talking with a sponsor or meeting someone for coffee, talking on the phone etc... replacing their old drinking/using behaviors with new ones. I can't say if your BF is doing that or not, but it's possible.
Are you able to attend any Al Anon meetings in your area? You'll find others there with similiar situations. Al "Anon meetings really helped me to understand a lot of things.
Others will be along soon to share their experience, strength and hope. I'm glad you found us!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
