orviske

I'm reading "Beyond the Influence" so as to better understand Alcoholism. It is so overwhelmingly interesting to me.

One thing is bothering me. I've gotten to the point of treatment in the book. Under the chapter heading is a quote. "Never give up on anybody" by Senator Humphrey.

I'm having major guilt issues. I left while still pregnant with my absolutely beautiful daughter because my boyfriend failed to come home on more than one occasion, and failed to keep a job for any length of time. My ex ABF has all the signs of alcoholism, both socially and physically. With a baby on the way and not having any family in the state, I fled.

He still has not seen her. He tells me that is my fault, that I left. I stand by the fact that I didn't keep her from him. He has the free will to travel to see her. I told him we were worth chasing. He replied "Wasn't I worth not leaving?"

Of course he was, but his disease was not. I know I did the right thing, but it still bothers me that I feel as though I gave up on someone who really needed me. Someone that with help maybe could have turned his life around. Someone that is so full of denial that he cannot see or understand why I left......

Thus, I am (and maybe for a long time) stuck on Step 1.

I could use some words of encouragement, if anyone can share.....

Thanks in advance,

K

Freedom1990

The help is out there, in the rooms of AA, in rehabs, with counselors, the list is endless.

You aren't powerful enough to break through that wall of denial. You aren't powerful enough to make him seek help. You aren't powerful enough to fix him. You aren't powerful enough to influence him.

You are powerful enough to take care of you and that baby. You are powerful enough to change your life for the better, to love yourself and cherish yourself, to no longer sell yourself short and settle for less than what you deserve. You are powerful enough to give that precious daughter of yours one sane and emotionally healthy parent, you, a loving mother who absolutely made the right choice, who decided to break the cycle before it was passed on to her innocent child.

Does that help? :ghug :ghug

ToughChoices

You don't have to "give up" on him - just on the idea that his recovery is in any way dependent upon your participation.

You tried to save him, sweetie, but the man refused to help himself. There is no reason for you to sacrifice your best shot at happiness for him.

It's tough stuff.
Thinking of you today!
-TC

GiveLove

And just what are you supposed to do differently, orviske?

Drag your helpless baby daughter into a life with an alcoholic in denial? Is that "helping" him? Is it going to change ANYTHING about his choices? For pete's sake, this is a man who won't even admit he has a problem, won't admit his role in anything including hurting you, and won't get help. He doesn't take care of his own kid, can't keep a job, lied, disappeared, and treated you like dog sh**.

Just what kind of "not giving up" did you have in mind?

My A parents "never gave up" on each other. What that meant for me, growing up with them, was that I got to listen to ten thousand arguments, glasses breaking, pets dying because they weren't cared for, meals missed, no one ever coming to my school, put-downs, selfishness, never any money for clothes or shoes or music lessons or anything because they drank it up, neglect which led to me being sexually assaulted the first time when I was 10, house fires, and a hundred other "helpful" things that turned me into a sick, angry, neurotic, damaged adult child of alcoholics.

This is what "never giving up" on an alcoholic in denial accomplishes.

Hope and pray he will find his way. Admit you're not powerful enough to make that happen for him. Aside from that, there's nothing you can do unless you want to lay your life, and your daughter's, on his altar, which is covered with empty beer bottles and has a big banner draped across the front that says, "It's all YOUR fault!"

You may want to try some personal counseling to find out why you still consider yourself personally responsible for the choices of this man. It helped me.

cmc

There is sometimes some confusion when someone says 'don't give up' but it's really quite clear when I'm thinking about it through the eyes of recovery instead of my former caretaking ways.
For me it's not a choice between sacrificing myself for the illusion of saving someone from themself.
I don't need to ever give up the hope of someone finding recovery; but what I can't ever afford to do is give up first of all on myself, and secondly on the loved ones who-in noncodependant ways- need me to be healthy and whole.

Kallista

Amen!

Taking5

Don't take senator Humphrey's true words out of context. Sen. Humprey was not telling people to stay in relationships like yours, (especially with a child involved) he is just saying that anyone can find recovery.

SonofaMess

I've read a few threads having to do with guilt issues and I believe I replied in 2 of them. Dealing with alcoholics my whole life I can tell you anytime you put your foot down or take any sort of action against an addict or alcoholic, your going to feel some guilt from time to time if you care about them.

I've been well aware of this for quite some time and I still feel that guilt sometimes, there's no way to shake it completely. But you shouldn't beat yourself up over it thats for SURE!

Ultimately if the guilt is there it's natural because again you obviously care for the person but it may take some time to process you probably did the right thing. So even if you ever have feelings of guilt, you should feel more proud of yourself for taking action. That should easily outweigh the guilt.

Good luck with your future endeavors.

veryrestless722

if the roles were reversed and he was the one that had the baby, would you not do everything in your power to see the baby?

my ex tries to blame me for him not seeing the baby also, but any idiot can see its his own fault as i do not stand in his way of seeing him, he just wont make the time for our son, thats his problem, im not lettin it bother me anymore, its not me giving up on trying to let him be a father, its just not my place to force him to be a father if he doesnt want to

you didnt give up, he gave up by doing the things he did, you did what you had to for you and your daughter, you cant make him see what he did wrong or make him understand and you could have "helped" him all you wanted and it wouldnt have made a difference, i used to "help" also and it never got me anywhere with my ex

doesnt it make it all worth the pain and struggle you've been through when you look at your baby? no matter the hell i went through all i have to do is look at my son smile and it makes everything right in the world again

mle-sober

There's something about guilt in association with an addict or alcoholic's recovery. Guilt assumes that you have some type of ownership of something, that you've abandoned something that you were responsible for.

One of the biggest mistakes we sometimes make is in thinking that it is our job to initiate or manage or oversee someone else's recovery. That is an error that allows the alcoholic to avoid real recovery and/or misplace a whole lot of blame. It's also an error that assigns us a whole lot more control than we actually have.

You can't relinquish something you don't hold in the first place.

If you are talking about giving up hope, I don't see a corrolation between leaving to protect yourself and your daughter and a state of lacking hope for your exBF recovery. You can maintain hope for his recovery from far away. At least then, you are spared from the ruse that you are somehow responsible for it.

Still Waters

Awesome analogy anvilhead!

MayaandMe

Thanks, I needed to read this tonight.
God Bless!

coyote21

Little Miss Coyote got 3-4 good years of this, I doubt she misses it. Thanks GL. :ghug3

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

bluejay6

it is his responsibility to claim his own manhood, to choose integrity, responsibility, reliability, consistency, and maturity.

he blames you for leaving because he would not take the necessary steps to be that man for you and for his child?

as the others have said, recovery has been right there waiting for him.

he wants the easy way.

you are the grown-up. good for you.

many many blessings to you for giving your daughter the opportunity for a happy childhood.