aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

My ex husband and his family
set up a family intervention
on me back in Aug. 1990 getting
me help when i couldnt help
myself.

For them im very grateful.

I have continuous sobriety
for some 18 yrs.....of many
one days at a time collected
together to get me where I
am today.

Finally reaching the Happy
Joyous and Free all together.


Do u have a family member
that abused you verbally,
physically, emotionally?

Me

My sick mom who abused
alcohol and drugs,,,,sick in
her own way abused me
with all the above my entire
childhood and still abuses
me today emotionally.

I have been unhappy all my
life, even in my 25 yr marriage
Divorced in 2008, remarried
this past Valentine's Day.

Relocated to Houston with
my first marriage and kids
for 10 yrs then returned to
my hometown here in Baton
Rouge 2006.

Ive kept very little contact
with my parents and sibling
over the yrs since i left home
at 18.

Every now and then id visit
with my parents but on their
terms and a place outside
the home....this is my moms
request....as sick as she is.

She kept my dad from me
out of jealousy and wanted
me to stay away from him
because he was hers.....

My dad is kind caring and has
never steered me wrong.

I called her yesterday after
a number of yrs passed since
my move back home and divorced.

She was glad to hear that
all is well with me and that
im happy....

I told her of all my new changes
in recovery...new marriage, tats,
motorcycle riding....

Come by and visit us sometimes
as we hung up the phone yesterday.

Today i called to see if i could
pop in to say hello and visit just
for a minute or two as she doesnt
like pop ins or unexpected visits....:wtf2

Well....u should have heard her
brush me off. "not today.ummm ur
dads not here, um we take our normal
nap....we wont be available till after
2pm and then we have karioki.....
maybe some other time..."

ok, right, emotional abuse, rejection
one more time.....when ive said enough
already, why i go back to that crap
ill never no.....She will never change.

So with a copped resentment again,
all i care about is knowing when
she passes away. Hopefully before
my dad so at least i can have some
little time with him....

I feel sad for him because he
would have wanted to see me today
and see me more often.

Thank for letting me clear my
mind.

catlovermi

Hi Sharon,

I'm really sorry you have this rejection to deal with. It hurts.

I come from a family structure with a totally domineering, controlling mother, and extremely passive father. My mother tells my father how long he can be in the bathroom, and portions out his meals, etc. She controls my dad's access to his grown kids, if he gets any, and usually oversees his time when he does get any. He's not allowed any of his own opinions, or his own agenda. That sort of dynamic.

It's hard not to generate resentments toward the controller, and rage toward the passive co-dependent. Neither are there for us, emotionally. I have had to detach and stay far away, for the most part.

I have also learned to "adopt" the family members I need, and get to choose ones that have the qualities I want. I have a whole stable of surrogate family across the country, in places I've lived. (I had no extended family relationships, growing up, such as gparents or cousins or aunts, and I had no sisters, only brothers.) I even call some of them "mom" and "dad."

In recovery, I've learned that it's OK to give myself permission to pursue my own needs, if I do so in ways that don't injure others. It took me a long time to give myself this permission. I needed those family members, who could comfort me, and mentor me. So I went and found them.

I've also learned it's OK to feel the things I do, such as abandonment, rejection, and rage. I just have to learn how to deal with these feelings, not try avoid having them.

I've learned to be creative, and grateful, and focus on the wonderful relationships I do have, and not discount them just because they don't share genes. I have many wonderful, enriching relationships.

Hugs to you! Go adopt some "family" - they won't be the same, but they can sure be enriching!

CLMI

aasharon90

Thanks for responding to me share.

I appreciate ur thoughts and words.

Its hard to not want to take my
moms inventory, but i really think
she envies my happiness.

She ask if i was still in AA. Of course
i said........

She mixed alcohol with presciption
meds my entire childhood and maybe
still depends on meds today.

She would just love to steal my
happiness away from me.....

However that aint gonna happen
because I have a solid foundation
in recovery and and awesome
extended family here in SR as well
as a loving, caring, understanding,
honest. trusting, sober new husband
to share the rest of my life with.

Im sure the Man upstairs is aware
of what ive gone thru my entire
life because He has blessed me with
many wonderful gifts.

However having a mom wasnt in the
cards for me.....in turn i was a good
mom to my own 2 kids as i raised them.

They turned out to be 2 awesome,
loving, caring, trusting, smart, intelligent,
no drugs or alcohol problems,,,,,,just
terrific kids who r now 22, and 24.

I did what i was suppose to do, to
call them and let them know i am
ok and happy and for them to never
worry about me.

That accounts for something, right?

catlovermi

One cannot know if one's perceptions of another are accurate or not, because they're always colored by what's going on inside us, and what motivates us, but even so it's hard to see someone else's apparent misery. When one is envious of another's happiness instead of happy for them, it reflects a misery within the envious one, IMHO.

And it's hard to see someone else in misery, and not be able to change it.


I'd say if you broke the cycle, and changed the dynamic from what you had to what your kids had it sure accounts for a phenomenal success to be proud of.

I wonder why this issue is bubbling up to the surface now, though. Whenever an issue bubbles up for me, I know I have work to do.

CLMI

Freedom1990

I can relate to both of you. Although neither of my parents have drank or drugged, my mother is the controller of the family. It does hurt when a parent isn't the nurturing parent that every child deserves.

It was hard, but in my recovery, I have had to learn to 'parent' that little girl that is still inside of me, that little girl that wants to be loved, feel safe, and to be nurtured.

I like what CLMI said about finding 'family' for I have surely found that within the rooms of AA and Alanon, and even a few 'normies' out there too!

They may not be my biological family, but there aren't those strings attached, and the ugly dysfunction that is found within the confines of biological family members.

:ghug :ghug

catlovermi

Yes. In my case, I spent years trying to do this alone, though, in a vacuum. I didn't have the knowledge base or emotional skills to do it, because I had no experience to get where I wanted to get, and indeed didn't really even know what the goal was, just that something was missing. I needed to find mentors who had built into them the things I needed. They didn't necessarily have to actively mentor me, just have the qualities and background that I was looking to emulate. Sort of like seeing a scene, before you can start to paint it. Or see someone paint, to see how it's done. They don't have to give you painting lessons, but if you can even just watch what they do, you can get a good sense of how it's done, though your own observation.

CLMI

aasharon90

Thanks guys.....ur thoughts r aways
appreciated....that is one reason why
I LOVE SR because there isnt a thing
I have to go thru or face alone ever
again.....

There's always someone out there or
in the rooms of recovery that has gone
thru similar things in life as I.

There maybe some underlying issues
with my childhood that i may not
have fully delt with.....I mean even
at 50 im still learning new stuff.

I know i have to stop playing the
victim.....however it still hurts at
times when i reflect back on my
painful childhood......

The siblings that ud think would
stand behind u didnt....so my
relationship with them is distant.....

I guess since i was the only one
in the family of 6 to go to rehab
and announce I am an alcoholic....
to them thats non sense...im just
looking for attention....tisk tisk tisk

Thats their thinking and i should
let it be.

I have moved on with my life and
have been blessed with numerous
friendships all alone the way....nothing
permanant just simple friendships.

Today I am married to a wonderful
man that my HP has blessed me with.

Everything that i lacked in my last
marriage for 25 yrs.....i have now.

I do feel very secure and safe with
my new husband. I am also a blessing
to him.

We are meant to be together because
we are gifts to each other given by the
Man upstairs,,,, our HP.

I am happy today, more so than I ever
have been. I guess i still cant believe
i can actually have this much happiness
i have been looking for all my life.

I guess i wasnt suppose to be according
to my own family....

Well surprise... I Am as i want to shout
it to the roof tops.

Freedom1990

Sharon, just a suggestion-the Big Book of AA suggests that we should seek help from outside resources when necessary (like doctors, psychiatrists, etc). I had some issues that needed that extra help, if you will, other than through the 12 steps of AA. I worked through some childhood issues in counseling, and it was a big help to me.

I am so glad to hear that you are enjoying life. I was tickled pink when you announced you were getting married again! :ghug

bluejay6

so happy for you, aasharon, in your happiness.

i always have to remind myself that just because my mother birthed me does not mean i belong to her in any way.

i am on my own life journey and someone had to birth me to get me here.

after that, though, my life belongs to me and my true origins are much higher and lovelier than my parents' wretched union.

i love it that you are happy and loved by your true soulmate.

thank you for sharing.

want2help

Sharon,

could it be that your mother is hiding something? I know i hate pop ins because my fiance is an alcoholic which none of my family knows about. And I have made so many excuses as to why i cant even answer the door???

Just a thought? you would know better than I.

sailorjohn

Yeah, it sucks big time. My brother is an alcoholic, supposedly 'on the wagon' now, he's never met my son, who will be 19 in July. He lives maybe 45 minutes from me. I have 4 nieces and nephews, pretty sure he's never met them either.

The whole alcoholism/family dynamic is pretty awful, had to cut off contact with my Dad recently, he's a 'recovering' alcoholic, goes to meetings 3-4 times a week, but is pretty much the same guy he was before he got sober.

Ago

Every single time I stuck my head into the Lions mouth (dealt with family of origin) I was surprised it bit me.

every. single. time.

aasharon90

Thanks guys once again for responding
to my post. Not that i was ecnoring the
replys till now, i got side track on other
posts.

I dont know if my mom is hiding
any thing....She was abused as well by
her own mom but was close to her dad.

She brought the abuse into her own
marriage and sadly i was the one to be
abused like her. Out of 4 siblings, she
picked on me from day one.

When i called her the other day and shared
with her about all my changes, little did
I know that she dated a guy before my
dad that also rode a motorcycle.

Surprised the heck out of me because here
i love riding with my new husband.

Growing up my parents were against
tattoos, motorcycles, drugs.....go
to church, stay in ur own race to avoid
sticky situations.


While laying awake the other night I
had those thoughts about childhood
abuse and my relationship with my
family today.

The only person i ever wanted a re-
lationship with my entire life was with
my dad, because he never hurt me
unlike the rest of the family did.

Then i was thinking, why should i not
go see my dad....i could go see him
anytime i want. And dont even have
to pass thru my mom.

That would be called sneaking......
He would love to see me today and
know how my life is going and meet
my new husband,,,,yet....i dont think
he would not tell my mom....he's a good
churching going man and lives the
a good life.

Anyway....if she found out i visit my
dad, whats to say she doesnt take a
bunch of meds and goes wacky and
tries to take my dad away for good...

I mean Ive heard her say she wants
to go before my dad but then she may
not want to leave dad alone .....which
he wouldnt be.

Just crazy thinking.

Anyway.....going back to the abuse....
I could see myself in my mind screaming at
her in my sleep, telling her she had
no right to abuse me like she did.
Screaming at her, that she hurt me.
Dont u know what u did to me.....
and slap her in the face to wake her
up and make her see the pain she
inflicted on me....The fear she crippled
me with.....

Dammit.... U know what I mean?

After talking to her this last time, i
am through with the family. Since i
dont want to cause trouble between
my dad and her....im out now for ever.

There's nothing i can do except this
one last time....ACCEPTANCE.....
accepting the situation just as it is....

To live my life today as happy as i can
and dont dwell on the past anymore.



Ur right about her being just my birth
mother and im here today for a purpose.

Just a Jesus was brought into this world,
to endure all that he did to get Him to
where he is today.

If he can be inflicted with so much pain
and continue on with His purpose in life,
the so can I.

That makes me feel stronger.

Thanks guys for allowing me to vent
and to be given hope once again
even thru adversity.