How do i "detox" from codependency?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
How do i "detox" from codependency?
So I understand that its a process, but how can I relieve some of the pain I am feeling right now, today?
Here are the things I know about:
Go to meetings
Talk to someone
Pray - Let go and let God
Read
Help others
But at this very moment, because things at home stirred up again and I am in so much fear, obsessing, I have so much anxiety, my stomach hurts, I cannot eat, I cannot concentrate on work, or think clearly, my head hurts, my heart hurts, on the verge of tears. (I do not want to take anything because that prevents me from getting through it on my own.)
What works for you?
I will try anything you suggest! Thank you!
Jehnifer
Here are the things I know about:
Go to meetings
Talk to someone
Pray - Let go and let God
Read
Help others
But at this very moment, because things at home stirred up again and I am in so much fear, obsessing, I have so much anxiety, my stomach hurts, I cannot eat, I cannot concentrate on work, or think clearly, my head hurts, my heart hurts, on the verge of tears. (I do not want to take anything because that prevents me from getting through it on my own.)
What works for you?
I will try anything you suggest! Thank you!Jehnifer
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Counseling has been huge for me.
I found Melody Beattie's book "The Language of Letting Go" a few weeks ago on clearance at Barnes & Noble. It's a daily meditation kind of book. It takes me just a few minutes to read the daily entry, then I journal my thoughts. Some days thats just a sentence or two. Some days I write a book. Some days all I can come up with is "This sux!!!"
I think taking a bit of time EVERY DAY for me is important. It sounds like you are a busy lady too, so maybe just finding a place to spend your lunch break that is peaceful and recharges you.
Come here often for support, and when you are just too weak to handle it on your own know that there are plenty of people here that will encourage you and hold you up......and still hold you accountable.
I found Melody Beattie's book "The Language of Letting Go" a few weeks ago on clearance at Barnes & Noble. It's a daily meditation kind of book. It takes me just a few minutes to read the daily entry, then I journal my thoughts. Some days thats just a sentence or two. Some days I write a book. Some days all I can come up with is "This sux!!!"
I think taking a bit of time EVERY DAY for me is important. It sounds like you are a busy lady too, so maybe just finding a place to spend your lunch break that is peaceful and recharges you.
Come here often for support, and when you are just too weak to handle it on your own know that there are plenty of people here that will encourage you and hold you up......and still hold you accountable.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Jen,
I found that knowing what I should do and actually doing them with my heart were different things.
The list you gave was sound. Are you putting any of these things into action to help yourself?
Try to journal your thoughts, let the feelings flow, don't hold them in; and ask yourself where these fears and obsessions come from, their root, and whether they are based in reality or not.
Love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I found that knowing what I should do and actually doing them with my heart were different things.
The list you gave was sound. Are you putting any of these things into action to help yourself?
Try to journal your thoughts, let the feelings flow, don't hold them in; and ask yourself where these fears and obsessions come from, their root, and whether they are based in reality or not.
Love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
From "Women Who Love Too Much" ..."Most of the insanity and despair you experience comes directly from trying to manage and control what you cannot." "His troubles are his own to work out, not yours."
Arggghhh! My stomach really hurts right now. I just made a gratitiude list, tho! It's really good. Today I will...call a fellow alanon member, get my hair cut, go to a mtg, spend time with daughter...um.. get my work done.
I feel most fearful about...having contact with him because he was so angry at me last night. Contact with him means he will vent and rant and probably yell, too, if I sit there and take it... and I don't know how to respond; and I cannot take it physically or emotionally.
Arggghhh! My stomach really hurts right now. I just made a gratitiude list, tho! It's really good. Today I will...call a fellow alanon member, get my hair cut, go to a mtg, spend time with daughter...um.. get my work done.
I feel most fearful about...having contact with him because he was so angry at me last night. Contact with him means he will vent and rant and probably yell, too, if I sit there and take it... and I don't know how to respond; and I cannot take it physically or emotionally.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It sounds like you are worried his reaction may involve actual danger to yourself. If you think he may harm you, stay away from him, file a Restraining Order, take action to protect yourself. The risk of violence is very real.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Jen, you only have to be in his company if you choose to be. You can choose to make yourself safe, stay out of his way if you fear him.
As a side thought, this is a reminder of my story, one of the major turning points in my relationship was when I realised I felt fear of him, his actions, his reactions, it was time for me to go then.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
As a side thought, this is a reminder of my story, one of the major turning points in my relationship was when I realised I felt fear of him, his actions, his reactions, it was time for me to go then.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
You guys are great! thank you...
It's not unsafe from a physical sense. But is someone getting angry at you and yelling considered "unsafe?" And based on that, should I choose to remove myself? If it is my greatest fear isnt that my fault? And I should figure out how to deal with it? I am so confused and distraught right now. Please forgive me. I guess if it does something to me emotionally it could be considered unhealthy and that's reason enough to stay away? I dont know, and doubt myself. Or as a wife is it my responsibility to go home and hear him out and listen to it (yet again - the same ol rant every time)? I apologize for being so screwed up today.
It's not unsafe from a physical sense. But is someone getting angry at you and yelling considered "unsafe?" And based on that, should I choose to remove myself? If it is my greatest fear isnt that my fault? And I should figure out how to deal with it? I am so confused and distraught right now. Please forgive me. I guess if it does something to me emotionally it could be considered unhealthy and that's reason enough to stay away? I dont know, and doubt myself. Or as a wife is it my responsibility to go home and hear him out and listen to it (yet again - the same ol rant every time)? I apologize for being so screwed up today.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by jehnifer 
It's not unsafe from a physical sense. But is someone getting angry at you and yelling considered "unsafe?" And based on that, should I choose to remove myself?
Originally Posted by jehnifer
If it is my greatest fear isnt that my fault?
Originally Posted by jehnifer
Or as a wife is it my responsibility to go home and hear him out and listen to it (yet again - the same ol rant every time)?
Recognizing potentially dangerous situations is hard to do when you are in the midst of the madness that is life with an alcoholic. Don't apologize. You are opening your eyes and seeking information. That is a healthy thing to do, not screwed up at all.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Absolutley DITTO to everything Barbara said.
My ex was verbally abusive first, then when I got to standing up to him and refused him what he wanted I met the physical side of him.
His screaming in my face, towering over me was his way of putting me in my place, to ensure I was submissive and he was dominant. It gave him power over me. I will never forget the feel of that fear, of not being sure if he would hit me or not. On the few occasions that he did go for me, that fear was way above any I had ever felt.
Alcoholic or not, he had no right to treat me as such, and just because I had entered into a relationship with him, did not mean it was expected of me to accept it as part of my life. However I did accept it, until I woke up to how sick my relationship had become and ended it.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My ex was verbally abusive first, then when I got to standing up to him and refused him what he wanted I met the physical side of him.
His screaming in my face, towering over me was his way of putting me in my place, to ensure I was submissive and he was dominant. It gave him power over me. I will never forget the feel of that fear, of not being sure if he would hit me or not. On the few occasions that he did go for me, that fear was way above any I had ever felt.
Alcoholic or not, he had no right to treat me as such, and just because I had entered into a relationship with him, did not mean it was expected of me to accept it as part of my life. However I did accept it, until I woke up to how sick my relationship had become and ended it.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Suggested Reading
There is a book I would highly suggest that can really help you deal with what you are going through. It is called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by a man named Lundy Bancroft. Boy, does that guy know his stuff. (The first three chapters were given to me by a counselor at a women's shelter for abused families. I didn't have to shelter there --thank God-- but her reading suggestion was priceless.)
Among the things he makes clear in his book is that abuse - ANY type, whether it is physical, verbal, emotional or financial - is about POWER. It has nothing to with whether a person was abused as a child or they are addicted to something or have a stressful job or whatever. Plenty of people have those problems and are not abusive. Another thing he makes clear is that abuse in not a relationship problem - it is a personal problem...and its the other person's problem. The book is very insightful on the various techniques and methods used by abusive people to break down the thought patterns and self esteem of those they mistreat.
I'll be thinking of you today.
Hope this helps.
Among the things he makes clear in his book is that abuse - ANY type, whether it is physical, verbal, emotional or financial - is about POWER. It has nothing to with whether a person was abused as a child or they are addicted to something or have a stressful job or whatever. Plenty of people have those problems and are not abusive. Another thing he makes clear is that abuse in not a relationship problem - it is a personal problem...and its the other person's problem. The book is very insightful on the various techniques and methods used by abusive people to break down the thought patterns and self esteem of those they mistreat.
I'll be thinking of you today.
Hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I was in your position many times. The first half of our marriage I believed the crap that spewed out of his mouth and exhausted myself taking his emotional temperature and trying to placate him.
I figured out that NOTHING I did made any difference so I might as well do what made me happy and told him that his license to act like an a**hole was revoked. Not too long after that when he would start yelling I would simply point at the front door and say "you don't like it, there's the door".
What helped me was to imagine the worst thing that could happen. What was he going do? He knew that if he ever hit me he was going to jail. Leave me? That was just fine with me if it meant I didn't have to listen to his quacking anymore. Take our son and leave? (something he used to threaten to do). No judge in their right mind would have given his drunk ass custody.
If you don't want to deal with him then don't, go stay with a friend or family. If he tries to stop you call the police. If he does not like it, tough rocks. Reasoning with an A is a huge waste of time and energy.
I figured out that NOTHING I did made any difference so I might as well do what made me happy and told him that his license to act like an a**hole was revoked. Not too long after that when he would start yelling I would simply point at the front door and say "you don't like it, there's the door".
What helped me was to imagine the worst thing that could happen. What was he going do? He knew that if he ever hit me he was going to jail. Leave me? That was just fine with me if it meant I didn't have to listen to his quacking anymore. Take our son and leave? (something he used to threaten to do). No judge in their right mind would have given his drunk ass custody.
If you don't want to deal with him then don't, go stay with a friend or family. If he tries to stop you call the police. If he does not like it, tough rocks. Reasoning with an A is a huge waste of time and energy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by jehnifer
You guys are great! thank you...
It's not unsafe from a physical sense. But is someone getting angry at you and yelling considered "unsafe?" And based on that, should I choose to remove myself? If it is my greatest fear isnt that my fault? And I should figure out how to deal with it? I am so confused and distraught right now. Please forgive me. I guess if it does something to me emotionally it could be considered unhealthy and that's reason enough to stay away? I dont know, and doubt myself. Or as a wife is it my responsibility to go home and hear him out and listen to it (yet again - the same ol rant every time)? I apologize for being so screwed up today.
It's not unsafe from a physical sense. But is someone getting angry at you and yelling considered "unsafe?" And based on that, should I choose to remove myself? If it is my greatest fear isnt that my fault? And I should figure out how to deal with it? I am so confused and distraught right now. Please forgive me. I guess if it does something to me emotionally it could be considered unhealthy and that's reason enough to stay away? I dont know, and doubt myself. Or as a wife is it my responsibility to go home and hear him out and listen to it (yet again - the same ol rant every time)? I apologize for being so screwed up today.
On Thursday 12th March 2009, I was verbally berated and he was angry at me and yelling. I felt unsafe and I spoke to an Al-Anon group member about it as I sat outside my home to create some space between me and this person's rage. When I went back in the home I went to bed.
On Friday 13th March 2009, I was again verbally attacked despite my best efforts to avoid it and his anger.
At 01:30 on Saturday 14th March 2009, I was sitting in an emergency room having been taken there by ambulance because he threw a glass in the direction of my head.
At 14:15 on Sunday 15th March 2009, I was being taken down to the operating room to undergo a 2 hour surgical procedure to try and repair the damage.
In three months time, I will see the results of his lack of control, humanity and 'anger' when I see if I have function in my hand.
Forever will I see a reminder of how unsafe someone's inability to control themselves and their lack of respect for a fellow human being is when I look at the scars on my face and my hand.
Is what you are describing unsafe? If you had asked me a couple of weeks ago I would have been undecided. Now..............
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
His screaming in my face, towering over me was his way of putting me in my place, to ensure I was submissive and he was dominant. It gave him power over me. I will never forget the feel of that fear, of not being sure if he would hit me or not. On the few occasions that he did go for me, that fear was way above any I had ever felt.
The sad thing was as the beatings got more frequent and became daily, my fear become replaced with rage, and I was often the first one to strike out because I knew I was going to get the living hell beat out of me, but I wasn't going to go down without getting my licks in first.
In looking back, it makes me incredibly sad to see who I once was. I was so lost, so empty, just a shell of a person.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Africa
Posts: 65
Hi Jen,
Just yesterday, I underlined in WWLTM the same lines you quoted:
..."Most of the insanity and despair you experience comes directly from trying to manage and control what you cannot." "His troubles are his own to work out, not yours."
When I feel the way you describe in your post - and I do often! - I try to work out why I am feeling that way, and it is usually because I am trying to control who my AH is, so I kinda breathe through it, repeat some positive affirmations to myself, and get on with something else that focuses on myself and my kids. I sort of have to push myself mentally and physically away from the pain that I cause myself by worrying about him and our "stuff". I sooooo know where you are coming from (it's Sunday 9am and my AH hasn't been home since yesterday morning...). My thoughts are with you!
Just yesterday, I underlined in WWLTM the same lines you quoted:
..."Most of the insanity and despair you experience comes directly from trying to manage and control what you cannot." "His troubles are his own to work out, not yours."
When I feel the way you describe in your post - and I do often! - I try to work out why I am feeling that way, and it is usually because I am trying to control who my AH is, so I kinda breathe through it, repeat some positive affirmations to myself, and get on with something else that focuses on myself and my kids. I sort of have to push myself mentally and physically away from the pain that I cause myself by worrying about him and our "stuff". I sooooo know where you are coming from (it's Sunday 9am and my AH hasn't been home since yesterday morning...). My thoughts are with you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I was with my STXAH for about 22 years (18 of them married to him). At first he would start with some little "advice" or suggestion about how I should do something. When I told him I didn't like it and it made me feel bad he would say that he was just trying to "help me". I always doubted myself and had very low self esteem from years of abuse as a child, so it didn't seem like a big deal at the time. After we got married he would put me down and tell me everything I was doing "wrong" (his opinion). How I looked, how I cooked, how I cleaned, how I drove, how I walked etc. was far game. Plus, he would tickle me to hard (left my ribs sore and slightly bruised) and I would tell him it hurt and to stop, but he would just laugh and tell me I was to sensitive and delicate. Recognize a pattern? He always made it look like I was at fault and he was the "good guy" and I was too sensitive or touchy or I thought I was to good to want his "help". After a while even how I sneezed and what I read and how I slept was critisized constantly. Then, this summer, he decided to start yelling and throwing things (not at me, yet). This happened twice. The second time it happened was on our anniversary (I didn't text him back because my phone wasn't charged and he came home and had a HUGE fit). Well, that was the final straw for me because I knew that he was escalating the abuse and the next time it would be me that was thrown or punched (or one of the kids). I left with the kids a few months ago and have found peace at last AND I have started finding myself again. I realized that all those years of slowly increased abuse I would try to change what he didn't like about me (I was very insecure) and maybe make him happy, but in the process I lost myself and who I was. Thanks to al-anon, counseling, and a lot of reading, I realize that I wasn't flawed or inferior at all, I was just me and that is a good thing. I didn't realize that it was verbal abuse and covert physical abuse for years and always blamed myself because I thought I wasn't good enough, but I kept journals for myself to prove that I wasn't crazy to myself (yes, he would tell me I was crazy and imagining things if I called him on the abuse - but my journal proved it to me otherwise and I wasn't insane). I've heard many stories about this before and they always seem to escalate - eventually.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
Wow, thank you, thank you all! I read each one and every post had a part of my story in it! It takes hell to get away from these damaging controlling men. They suck you back in, beat you up again, make empty promises, use and the whole pattern repeats. It drags a person down, especially with kids and a job etc! I know these posts are a bit old but thank you so so much for posting these. I don't feel alone anymore.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I have learned in alanon & ACA meetings that the feeling & behavior of being paralyzed and not able to respond to physical or verbal threats is related to mistreatment as a child. As a child when the flight or fight response is needed,
all a child can do is sit still. Can't leave, can't fight, be still, be invisible, be
good, be better.
The recovery in codepency is all about self compassion (love), setting boundaries,
saying no.
(((hugs))))
all a child can do is sit still. Can't leave, can't fight, be still, be invisible, be
good, be better.
The recovery in codepency is all about self compassion (love), setting boundaries,
saying no.
(((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Exercise helps me a lot. It burns off that negative energy - literally sweats it out.
Funny movies redirect my brain as well.
Time with friends, where I have to sometimes make a conscious effort to BE in the moment with them and enjoy their company. Laughing with friends stops my spiral.
Good luck - it gets easier the more we practice self care!
Funny movies redirect my brain as well.
Time with friends, where I have to sometimes make a conscious effort to BE in the moment with them and enjoy their company. Laughing with friends stops my spiral.
Good luck - it gets easier the more we practice self care!
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