selling of the house and uncertainty

Old 03-19-2009, 08:49 AM
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selling of the house and uncertainty

well, another dilema. AH just called me.

of course, you all know i've so torn on the selling of the house. he said that he talked to the loan officer at the bank and we can refinance and lower our house payment a couple hundred dollars a month which is what AH has been wanting. it will cost about 1000.00 to refinance.

if we are staying in the house and staying together- this would be great. if we are not and we are selling the house, of course, i do not want to spend the 1000.00 to refinance.

AH said, well yeah, if we refinance we will stay in the house and not sell it. which means 4 sale sign comes down.

of course, the feelings of anxiety and feelings of possibly being trapped again.

to update the last month. AH has been going to church and i have been joining him for that. he is drinking less, but has not stopped completely. it does seem like his spirit has been renewed though.

as for me, i started seeing the new therapist and began being treated for depression, which is something i have needed for a long time. i've realized that some part of the marriage issues have been mine.

together we went to one couseling session with the pastor. have not had another one as i have been leaving this up to AH if he wants to put in the work and initiate it or not. i will say that one session helped more than two years with the old counselor though.

AH and i have been connecting and relating much better.

so, i'm very torn. i've got the chance to hold onto the house and work on the marriage. i do love the house.

BUT, as you know this has been a very hard struggle and transition for me. every time i've come to accept something....something changes. it's been a long hard road and i had resigned myself to staying in the house until it sold and making a decision from there. knowing that things would change this way either way- divorce or seperate and work on marriage.

now this new oppertunity. i'm so torn. i really don't want to be trapped, but i also don't want to lose the house if possible. i so want to be able to move forward with my life.

this has thrown me for a loop because as much as i really didn't want to sell the house, i never thought AH would agree to not sell it. he was so set on selling it. now this change of heart.

is it a miracle chance to save the house and marriage or is it just another thing to keep me stuck?


it's a big big decision/choice. agree to refinance and stay in the house or keep moving forward with the sell. basically make or break time right? i really want this long period of uncertainty and insecurity to end.

please send prayers for higher powers will be done and to come to the right decision!!!

i told AH it was a big decision and we had a lot to talk about. i know i should probably set boundaries and conditions if we stay in the house and be prepared to follow through with them.
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Old 03-19-2009, 01:05 PM
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It seems like the house only comes with your AH in it. Perhaps this might be a good time to reread posts in which you told of the troubles with your AH to see if you really want to stay with him?

To me, my home has to be a peaceful sanctuary first of all. I live in a small apartment on a busy street, but I wouldn't trade it for a beautiful house with pool and ocean view if I had to share it with someone whose presence makes me agitated and sad.

Is it really about the house or are you not sure if you want to take the step and part ways with your AH?
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Old 03-19-2009, 01:12 PM
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Why does every decision have to be the 'end of the world as we know it' or 'life altering to the point that things will never be the same again?' So what if you spend a thousand dollars to refinance and then decide later on to sell the house anyway. So what. If you're saving a couple hundred a month in payments, you will have broken even in 5 months. You're going to decide to stay with him forever based on saving $1000?

Step back, look at what you just typed. This is not about the house, or the money. This is you trying to justify a decision that you are afraid to make based solely upon it's own merits. Maybe you should ask yourself why you are doing that.

L
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Old 03-19-2009, 01:27 PM
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Would it be pretentious of me to say you've already made up your mind to keep the house and stay with AH?

I'm just basing that on all your past posts/decisions, honestly.
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Old 03-19-2009, 01:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Would it be pretentious of me to say you've already made up your mind to keep the house and stay with AH?

I'm just basing that on all your past posts/decisions, honestly.
I believe that as well. And later on, when things go south--yet again--this will be the safety net. "I had to do it or I would have lost the money."

L
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Old 03-19-2009, 01:32 PM
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I've refinanced a house and sold it later on.

I've also sold a house and stayed in a relationship with my former co-owner.

Nothing you're talking about is carved in stone, hopeangel. Sadly, the only decision you're still faced with is whether you want to stay in this relationship. And you don't have to make that today.

It does sound like he's pressuring you, and that would fit with him being on his "better behavior" lately. That's how the rollercoaster goes.

i know i should probably set boundaries and conditions if we stay in the house and be prepared to follow through with them
And what would those be? If he drinks heavily again, verbally and physically abuses you again, blackmails you into sex again, pees the bed again, mistreats your animals again, you will.....what?

Might be good to go through that scenario in your mind first. And if you think you won't enforce those boundaries, don't make them. And if you can't live WITHOUT making them, consider not committing to anything new with him.

Good luck with everything.
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Old 03-19-2009, 01:50 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
I believe that as well. And later on, when things go south--yet again--this will be the safety net. "I had to do it or I would have lost the money."

L
I used to get incredibly frustrated over folks who would post, 'seemingly' asking for advice when in fact, their minds had already been made up.

I'd watch the insanity, you know, doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

Today, what I do find in those posts is an incredible amount of gratitude that I finally realized that walking through the discomfort of making positive changes in my life was not going to kill me.

I am no longer in analysis paralysis. I no longer base my decisions or indecision around crazy-making people. Every single day is a new adventure for me. I am so danged excited about working towards my college degree at this point in my life!

My home is just that, my home, my safe place, free of chaos and active alcoholism/addiction. My big goofy 85 pound greyhound is currently under my desk with his head on my feet dozing. My ICD-9-CM coding books are spread out on the desk with the next chapter study guide waiting to be done. Oh, and Sage kitty is currently holding down my Epson printer.

I have more healthy friends in my life today than I ever dreamed possible, who hug me when I'm down, laugh with me when I'm happy, and share my accomplishments with me. Most of those friends are women, and oh what a blessing they are!

I wouldn't trade a single one of those things for a house and an AH if you paid me a million bucks.
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Old 03-19-2009, 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
I finally realized that walking through the discomfort of making positive changes in my life was not going to kill me.
My therapist used to talk a lot about 'discomfort,' and how humans do incredible, unbelievable, crazy things to avoid it at all cost. I remember thinking that she was being dramatic, or a least exaggerating a bit. Looking back, I can see the crazy things I did, and how many years of my life I spent trying to avoid facing reality. As it turns out, reality isn't so bad after all. In fact, I'm rather enjoying it.

L
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Old 03-19-2009, 02:39 PM
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Another thing I wanted to point out, hopeangel, is that you seem to tie every decision which comes up in your life to your marriage. First, it was selling the house or not. Later, it was getting an apartment or not--twice. Now, it's refinancing or not. And selling the house or not, again.........

These decisions can (and probably should) be made based on whether or not they are good decisions for you. Your decision to stay with your H or not should be made based on whether that is a good decision for you.

By artificially connecting things that really have little or nothing to to with each other, you are muddying the waters. This is what allows you to continue convincing yourself that you are doing the 'right' thing.

Until you can untangle the things you want or need to do FOR YOURSELF, from things you want or need to do FOR HIM, you will remain confused, depressed, and stuck.

L
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Old 03-19-2009, 06:18 PM
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Seems to me you have already decided you want to stay with AH and in the house. So refinance. Nothing is forever.
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Old 03-20-2009, 05:11 AM
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Hi Hopeangel, AH and I decided in the summer to move cities to be closer to my family. He found a job in December and things with us came to a head at the same time. I asked him to stay in another room at my parents where we are staying, and selling our house. He hasn't drank since Jan, and is doing well with AA thus far, and me in Al Anon.
I've had to wonder a lot about our next steps. If I wanted to dissolve the marriage, now would be the time to do it, when the house sells. But my parents were also planning to sell their house and move to a retirement home, and they are elderly and it's a lot of stress to downsize a home and sell it, all with us in it.
I left it to my HP. One day we all started talking, and very naturally, we came to a decision that we would buy my parents home. It would remove stress for them, my baby girl is already comfortable here, and the price they want is good.
I decided exactly as LaTeeDa said - I stopped tying my physical environment with my emotional life. The home arrangement works well for all, and if my AH and I can't make it work, I'm not worried or scared of putting up a for sale sign. If I wanted out, it shouldn't matter what the situation is; I can get out of it.

I posted once before that sometimes I wish decisions could be more clear-cut - as in, if he came home drunk that would make it very easy to call it quits. But that's a cop-out. It's much more difficult to make a sound decision because of the discomfort, but that's the right and healthy way to do things. I am learning that and I hope I continue on that path despite its difficulty, because it means more peace and happiness for me that I can count on myself to make correct decisions for me. I think that when the internal work is done, then I'll always be able to rely on it, rather than looking to external circumstances to make or break my decisions.
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