Where do they get it?

Old 03-18-2009, 09:54 PM
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Where do they get it?

That lovely sense of total entitlement...that refusal to hear "no." My exabf, as I've shared before, is desperate to get ahold of me. He has called about a dozen times this week with increasingly desperate messages. I learned on here that answering even one time encourages more calls, so I ignored it. So eventually, he figured out to call from an unfamiliar number. I am in contact with the public on this phone for work and am expected to take calls, so if I don't know who it is, I assume it's for work, as I did today. But it was him. He never ceases to amaze me. Was I blind, deaf, and dumb????

Here's what he said when I asked "What is it you want?"

"I want so-and-so's number, who I know is in your new home group." (which I just joined 2 weeks ago, months after our break up. Odd how he even knows that! Stalker behavior). I then told him I don't give out others' numbers.

"Then can you help me", he said. He wanted me to help him figure out a computer problem, which was "desperate." I said "No, I don't do that kind of stuff."

He then said "Why are you being so snappish with me? I am not doing anything mean to you? Why are you so mean to me now?" He said "You have to at least be civil and help me. I'm just asking you for a favor, after all!"

I then explained "I am not available to you for "favors" any more. I don't have anything else for you. I am done with helping you."

He said "I can't believe you are just saying you are not going to help me. I need you to help me. Are you really that mean you can just say "no" to me like that? You are supposed to be there to help your fellow addicts. You are a nice person, aren't you? Nice people like you help others."

He literally was incredulous that I really wouldn't help him with anything, because always before, I just wouldn't answer and/or turned away from him when I saw him in meetings. I never actually explained that I am never going to help him any more. He couldn't believe that someone actually said "NO!" to King Baby! I don't know if he has ever heard a flat out NO from a former enabler in his life.

Hopefully that is the end of that. I don't know why, exactly, but these phone calls, even though I never answered any of them for weeks except this one, really bother and kind of scare me. I don't know why. There hasn't been any threat made, it just feels way off. I'm afraid that he will have some type of temper tantrum and do something to me for denying him help.

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Old 03-18-2009, 10:04 PM
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Originally Posted by kj3880 View Post
Hopefully that is the end of that. I don't know why, exactly, but these phone calls, even though I never answered any of them for weeks except this one
Thing is they don't really hear what you say, they just know that you engaged them, and as long as you engage them, there's always hope-in their mind. Now you know, pointless to try to reason, next time, just hang up.
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Old 03-18-2009, 10:28 PM
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I received a similar crazy call from my exAH about 10 years ago. I did not know who it was on my office phone, only that the call was coming in from Maryland.

My exAH started talking in major panic-mode. He needed a favor. He desperately needed money NOW. He was short of cash. Blah, blah, blah. And he acted as if I was going to toss more money at him, after the thousands I'd doled out to keep us afloat all the times he was gainfully unemployed.

I actually listened, as you did, for a few minutes. My ex also could not understand why I wouldn't just pony up a few bucks to get him out of another jam.

I told him where he could shove his idea and hung up on him. He never called me at work to ask for money again. Although he did have the nerve to call one time to ask for one of my recipes he loved because he and his "live-in honey" were throwing a dinner party. Jeesh!

Believe me, kj, I understand your feelings of discomfort. It's like talking to somebody who has no conscience .... a sociopath. And that always made me uncomfortable about my ex. It was also his sense of entitlement; I OWED him. Crazy, but true.

Like sailorjohn said, if your ex calls again, just hang up on him. As for my home phone, I had the number changed to unlisted and unpublished. I also changed my cell number. I even got rid of my email address and set up a new one.

If you feel you are being harrassed or stalked, perhaps you may want to give the police a call to see if they have any other suggestions.
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Old 03-18-2009, 11:29 PM
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kj3880 you wrote "stalking behavior." In my tiny little pea brain this is stalking, period !!
Anytime a person does anything that creates discomfort to another is actually illegal ! I would call the police if it continues.

Sailorjohn wrote, "they don't even hear what you say." If I may add to that; they are saying and doing things to try and make you feel a curtain way. The Bible calls this, "witchcraft."

The world is cluttered with sickness like this and I use to allow it to control me. Not anymore !
In Recovery I learn to be free from the bondage of these sicknesses !!

Life is full of people who bring joy to a room and a good feeling to my heart when I hear their voice on the phone.
Wherever I am in the world I always try to hang with positive people. Stick with winners !
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Old 03-19-2009, 12:56 AM
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Keep or make a log of all the calls he has made, yes the ones you haven't answered and include this one with the gist of the conversation.

Also note his obsessive behavior at meetings etc. Take that log to the police and report him as a STALKER. Once the report is written, that gives you the ammunition you need to go to court and get a Restraining Order to keep him from contacting you.

If he violates the order you call the police and he goes to jail. He will get the hint.


Love and hugs,
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:01 AM
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I will take all these ideas to heart. Thanks. My sponsor seems to think that it might just be best to ignore him, however he is making that next to impossible with these continued confrontations.

I just wish he would find a new girlfriend, and soon. Because then he could obsess over and control her and leave me alone. I mean, I am sure I will feel sorry for the poor unfotunate woman that he sucks the life out of next, but it's not as if he's going to stop, is it? I swear, I would advocate a program where userious people would have "USER" tattooed on their greedy, lazy, piggy foreheads to warn others away!!! Except these sociopaths would probably just find a way to use the tattoo to make others feel sorry for them once again "look, I was branded, poor me! I'm so misunderstood! Only you can save me...blah, blah, blah...quack, quack, quack!"

And the bad thing about being in the fellowship of NA is that it's a small world. So you end up seeing everyone and knowing how they are doing whether you want to or not. Sometimes that's a good thing, but right now it doesn't feel that way.

Love, KJ
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:14 AM
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Yuck, I hate that. I had to log calls, log contacts and stalking behavior, and (when he simply wouldn't drop it) threaten XABF with the evidence and a restraining order.

As a side note, the thing is, I knew he had that sort of tendency even when I was with him - he'd done it to other women in the past. So I had a role in encouraging that behavior too. And at first, I responded positively to it -- remember all those movies where someone is dumped but comes through a blinding snowstorm with the only bouquet of roses for a hundred miles to knock on your door? Oooh, so romantic. For me now, I can see it for what it is: Stalking. Manipulation.

He figured what would work once would work again! Grrr.

If ignoring him or hanging up doesn't work, consider force. I know this sucks, KJ. Ugh.
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