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Addict Brother Dragging Down Mother

Old 03-18-2009, 09:51 PM
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Addict Brother Dragging Down Mother

i all- I've been lurking for the past few days as I have been trying to deal with this horrible family crisis. My brother, early 40's, a long time (life-long) addict whose most recent DOC is heroin, is doing his best to destroy my mother's life. She allowed him to move in with her 1.5 years ago, after my sister and I made it known that it was likely a bad idea. I hardly talk to him, especially since he knows I won't give him a dime. He might call every few months to ask for money. I've never had a good relationship with him, I gave up on that long ago. He's gotten involved with various thugs, I'm sure, but never has been sent to jail, even though he's felon material.

Anyway, the latest I hear is that the lights were turned off, the phone bill is due, and he has cleaned out her life savings. He even has her bank card, to her knowledge, not that there is anything left. She makes excuses for him. She says he's 10 days sober, but I can't believe it. She's disgusted, but takes no action. Last I talked to her, I gave her the times of some alanon meetings a suggestion. She seems paralyzed, and no matter what we say to her, and continues to enable him. Of course, this is all told to me second hand, because I apparently am too preachy after I told her that she needs to make a plan of action.

I don't support them, I can't do it financially and I can't do it to enable his, and her, behavior. I worry about her so much, but I feel like my mother has to hit rock bottom herself before any action is taken. I am torn up, and go from feeling like a responsible daughter to feeling cruel and horrible. Any ideas? I am so ready not to talk to her until she wakes up. I already don't talk to him, and don't care to at this point. My heart is breaking.
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Old 03-18-2009, 11:11 PM
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I don't think there is anything you can do, but I am sending prayers your mother's way.
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Old 03-19-2009, 01:01 AM
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Actually there is something you can do.

Look under your State Listings for Adult Protection Services. Just like Child Protection Services, they are the agency that checks on Senior Citizens and makes sure that they are not living with or in bad conditions. They will do a "wellness check" (that is both a physical and mental check) on your mom.

If she is being abused (and as you describe it she is, abuse is not always physical) they have the authority to take matters into court, ie get your brother removed, and protect your mom.

Hope that helps.

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-19-2009, 05:27 AM
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Wow, thanks laurie....

I looked for that here in Michigan, and there is a government agency that addresses that. IN this state, it is called "Exploitation."

Thanks again - good advice for me to pass on to others who are dealing with the same situation.
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Old 03-19-2009, 06:04 AM
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I am so sorry that your mom is in this situation. I really like Laurie's idea though. No matter what you do take good care of yourself and know it is not your fault.

((((((((((((((((BIGHUGS))))))))))))))))) to you.
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Old 03-19-2009, 07:05 AM
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I agree with that's been said so far. Making sure your mom is protected thru such a prgram is the best thing you can do. As for her own co-de ways, there is not much you can do, she has to do it for herself.
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Old 03-19-2009, 07:10 AM
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My mother and sister also share this dynamic, and have off and on for many years.

My mother would repeatedly "rescue" my sister, often times using me as the the "savior"

I have put my sister up in my house while I stayed in a fleabag hotel when she was "trying" to quit Heroin

I drove to Mexico to get my sister when she was 8.999 months pregnant

I have split payments for multiple rehabs for her with my mother...

anyhow, I could make a laundry list, the "rescues" span well over twenty years, but that's off topic, anyhow, a few years ago I ended up moving to take over the family business because my mother was working 100 hours a week supporting my sister and her daughter, it was literally "killing" her, her wrists and ankles looked like skinny little pencils, she looked so very tired....

It took me some time, but ultimately I realized that these two people are involved in a symbiotic relationship that is literally killing both of them.

My sister has since relapsed on Opiates, and my mother is still caretaking her. My mother's enabling of my sister has a great deal to do with why my sister has kept relapsing over the last twenty years.

These two people are literally murdering each other, they call it "love".

Trying to step in and help them literally nearly cost me my sanity.

It did end up costing me my business, my home, my sobriety, my relationship of that time, and well over three and a half years of my life, including having to rebuild my life from the ground up, starting with couch surfing and job hunting and borrowing money to live.

I am still rebuilding my life today, having to start over in a field where I once owned my own business, and move to new area to get away from them.

Your situation may be different then mine, but I have learned to stay out of family dynamics, including mine, kind of like staying out of domestic disputes (which Police say are statistically incredibly dangerous)

I can't pull them up, but they can dam sure pull me down.

This especially includes my own family, there is a reason in 12 step programs it's strongly advised you don't sponsor friends or family, too much interaction prohibits objective thinking.

To sum up:

I am in exactly the same situation and I stay well away from these people. They are harmful and Ill.

I love them, and they are my family, but I can't help people who insist on remaining in unhealthy dynamics, and somehow I get sucked back in to their drama and unhealthy dynamics.

The truth is, after my last experience, I now view those people as extremely dangerous to me and have cut off all contact completely in order not to be sucked back into their drama, I don't even allow them to know where I live.

They are harmful to me.

This is only my experience, it may not apply to you.

Last edited by Ago; 03-19-2009 at 07:30 AM.
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Old 03-19-2009, 03:49 PM
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Thank you for your helpful replies, everyone. It's confirmed what I already know to be true.
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Old 03-19-2009, 08:49 PM
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hereiam,

Incredibly hard situation to be in. Look, if you have told your Mom how you feel and that there is help available for her codependent problems, that's all you can do. If your Mother is mentally stable, well...she's an adult and as such deserves to be treated as such...and allowed to make her own decisions.

As horrible as they may appear to be to us...
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