Will this end soon?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 38
Will this end soon?
My mother has recently discussed with my dad that she wants divorce. For whatever reason, he can't seem to wrap his head around why she wants one. The main reasons are:
- Alcoholic
- Disrespectful to his family and the household
- Isn't contributing funds towards the household
- Doesn't have a job
- Selfish
- Suspicions of infidelity
Don't those reasons sound like a good reason to get a divorce? They do to me and my mom, being we both had to experience these negative habits in person. He says he isn't going anywhere, and when he has been drinking he says if my mom leaves he gets half of everything, we are nothing without him, the same crap coming from a pissy old man!
I don't know why he is so angry, but I have done nothing to him but respond to all his questions respectfully, despite the lack of a relationship. He does all these things, but me and mom are the assholes :wtf2. All my mom can do is either find a way to get him out, which isn't likely to happen any time soon, or find an apartment she could afford, and pay for the mortgage of the house she just bought. Its really frustrating trying to get through to an idiot.
:praying
- Alcoholic
- Disrespectful to his family and the household
- Isn't contributing funds towards the household
- Doesn't have a job
- Selfish
- Suspicions of infidelity
Don't those reasons sound like a good reason to get a divorce? They do to me and my mom, being we both had to experience these negative habits in person. He says he isn't going anywhere, and when he has been drinking he says if my mom leaves he gets half of everything, we are nothing without him, the same crap coming from a pissy old man!
I don't know why he is so angry, but I have done nothing to him but respond to all his questions respectfully, despite the lack of a relationship. He does all these things, but me and mom are the assholes :wtf2. All my mom can do is either find a way to get him out, which isn't likely to happen any time soon, or find an apartment she could afford, and pay for the mortgage of the house she just bought. Its really frustrating trying to get through to an idiot.
:praying
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Honey, I'm sorry you are going through this.
Yes, these are excellent reasons for a divorce. Absolutely. And you sound like a wonderful help to her. I wish you would try to find an alanon meeting for you and possibly your mom to attend. Or alateen if you are still in your teens. Don't waste your precious time and energy trying to get through to the drunk. Let him fight it in court.
Sounds like you are going to be a strong advocate for your mom if it goes to a judge needing your testimony. I know that's difficult and I respect you for sticking up for her. I went through the same thing as your mom, and believe me, my teenage daughter and son were my biggest help and kept me sane. Don't underestimate how much your love and sanity mean to her now.
Are you in any danger of him hurting you physically? Cause if you are, things can be legally much sped up. Please keep talking here. And keep a diary of what is going somewhere he can't get to it. Dates and times are important in court.
Love,
KJ
Yes, these are excellent reasons for a divorce. Absolutely. And you sound like a wonderful help to her. I wish you would try to find an alanon meeting for you and possibly your mom to attend. Or alateen if you are still in your teens. Don't waste your precious time and energy trying to get through to the drunk. Let him fight it in court.
Sounds like you are going to be a strong advocate for your mom if it goes to a judge needing your testimony. I know that's difficult and I respect you for sticking up for her. I went through the same thing as your mom, and believe me, my teenage daughter and son were my biggest help and kept me sane. Don't underestimate how much your love and sanity mean to her now.
Are you in any danger of him hurting you physically? Cause if you are, things can be legally much sped up. Please keep talking here. And keep a diary of what is going somewhere he can't get to it. Dates and times are important in court.
Love,
KJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 38
Thank you KJ for your advice and support.
No he is not hurting us physically, but more so mentally. Keeping a diary of events sounds like a good idea, but being I am not around since I'm away at school wouldn't be much help; I will pass this advice to my mom.
I am thankful I can be the positive reinforcement for my mom, and I will continue to be. I just hope the answer to our problems come soon because the way he treats us is unfair and we deserve better, especially my mom.
No he is not hurting us physically, but more so mentally. Keeping a diary of events sounds like a good idea, but being I am not around since I'm away at school wouldn't be much help; I will pass this advice to my mom.
I am thankful I can be the positive reinforcement for my mom, and I will continue to be. I just hope the answer to our problems come soon because the way he treats us is unfair and we deserve better, especially my mom.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi there,
My family is going through something similar. I am the mom and I have two teenage children at home with me. We finally got our A to leave. He agreed to the separation, but is completely baffled by the fact that I have filed for divorce. We do not try to explain anything to him. We have learned that you can not have a meaningful, honest conversation with an alcoholic. All they hear you saying is : blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine, etc. I know, I'm an alcoholic in recovery.
I have started attending Alanon meetings. They are very helpful in teaching me tolerance, patience and self respect. Living with an active alcoholic, I had lost my serenity. Last night one of my groups held an open meeting, I took my teenagers with me. Everyone at the meeting was glad to see them. We all came away with the knowledge that our family was not the only one going through this.
My children are my biggest supporters. They cheer me on in my sobriety and they politely offered to kick my a** if I did what my alcoholic husband wanted me to do: Just get over myself, call him up to come home and everything can go back to "normal". I love em!
I'm glad you and your mom are supporting each other during this rough time.
My family is going through something similar. I am the mom and I have two teenage children at home with me. We finally got our A to leave. He agreed to the separation, but is completely baffled by the fact that I have filed for divorce. We do not try to explain anything to him. We have learned that you can not have a meaningful, honest conversation with an alcoholic. All they hear you saying is : blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine, etc. I know, I'm an alcoholic in recovery.
I have started attending Alanon meetings. They are very helpful in teaching me tolerance, patience and self respect. Living with an active alcoholic, I had lost my serenity. Last night one of my groups held an open meeting, I took my teenagers with me. Everyone at the meeting was glad to see them. We all came away with the knowledge that our family was not the only one going through this.
My children are my biggest supporters. They cheer me on in my sobriety and they politely offered to kick my a** if I did what my alcoholic husband wanted me to do: Just get over myself, call him up to come home and everything can go back to "normal". I love em!
I'm glad you and your mom are supporting each other during this rough time.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
You'll always be the assholes, unless he one day chooses recovery...and even then you might still be the assholes. Honestly, you cannot discuss/talk/make sense of insanity.
But, it is what it is. Either he'll finally agree to leave, or he won't and your Mom will have to make other arrangements.
I admire your support for you Mom, she must be very very proud of you.
But, it is what it is. Either he'll finally agree to leave, or he won't and your Mom will have to make other arrangements.
I admire your support for you Mom, she must be very very proud of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
When you are dealing with an active alcoholic, you are not dealing with a sane, reasonable person capable of rational thought processes. Once you realize this, it will become easier to not engage or become distressed over their baffling way of looking at life. They live in a world of denial because admitting their addiction to alcohol is destroying lives and causing endless misery, would mean they would have to stop drinking...and that is the last thing an active alcholic wants to do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Welcome
I found out for me, it's best if I stay out of others peoples divorces, even my parents.
I'm sure your mother is well meaning but she should leave you out of this, she is recruiting you as an ally which is incredibly unfair to you, although it may not seem so, you aren't divorcing this man, she is, and once the "door is open" he will try to manipulate and communicate with your mother through you, then there you, stuck in the middle.
I have extensive experience with this dynamic, it's not healthy.
I found it best to just ask the people involved if they bring it up, that I don't want to discuss it.
This included my Father, who was in your mothers position. He always respected my wishes after that and wouldn't discuss it unless it pertained to me, and once he backed off, it was much easier to resist my mother's attempts at manipulation.
What you are going through is tough enough without being made an active participant, please take steps to take care of yourself, they are adults, let them take care of themselves.
I found out for me, it's best if I stay out of others peoples divorces, even my parents.
I'm sure your mother is well meaning but she should leave you out of this, she is recruiting you as an ally which is incredibly unfair to you, although it may not seem so, you aren't divorcing this man, she is, and once the "door is open" he will try to manipulate and communicate with your mother through you, then there you, stuck in the middle.
I have extensive experience with this dynamic, it's not healthy.
I found it best to just ask the people involved if they bring it up, that I don't want to discuss it.
This included my Father, who was in your mothers position. He always respected my wishes after that and wouldn't discuss it unless it pertained to me, and once he backed off, it was much easier to resist my mother's attempts at manipulation.
What you are going through is tough enough without being made an active participant, please take steps to take care of yourself, they are adults, let them take care of themselves.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: NOVA
Posts: 49
Ago,
I am the mother. I had no idea he wrote this message until I read it on the forum this morning. I can understand, based on his out pouring of love and concern for me, how you may have come to the assumption that he's caught in the middle. But I will tell you I have not nor have I ever put him in the middle of my marriage relationship. My son and I are close and he is protective of me, but I've always encouraged him to find a way to have a relationship with his dad. He may be an alcoholic, but he's still his father and always show respect. The divorced is between me and his dad and I would prefer that my son has nothing to do with any of the proceedings. Yes, I share information with him because he ask; however, there are things I keep to myself too.
My son is a stong willed and talented young man with a mind of his own. He was raised to think for himself; I never encourage choosing sides.
I am the mother. I had no idea he wrote this message until I read it on the forum this morning. I can understand, based on his out pouring of love and concern for me, how you may have come to the assumption that he's caught in the middle. But I will tell you I have not nor have I ever put him in the middle of my marriage relationship. My son and I are close and he is protective of me, but I've always encouraged him to find a way to have a relationship with his dad. He may be an alcoholic, but he's still his father and always show respect. The divorced is between me and his dad and I would prefer that my son has nothing to do with any of the proceedings. Yes, I share information with him because he ask; however, there are things I keep to myself too.
My son is a stong willed and talented young man with a mind of his own. He was raised to think for himself; I never encourage choosing sides.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by mtr 
Ago,
I am the mother. I had no idea he wrote this message until I read it on the forum this morning. I can understand, based on his out pouring of love and concern for me, how you may have come to the assumption that he's caught in the middle. But I will tell you I have not nor have I ever put him in the middle of my marriage relationship. My son and I are close and he is protective of me, but I've always encouraged him to find a way to have a relationship with his dad. He may be an alcoholic, but he's still his father and always show respect. The divorced is between me and his dad and I would prefer that my son has nothing to do with any of the proceedings. Yes, I share information with him because he ask; however, there are things I keep to myself too.
My son is a stong willed and talented young man with a mind of his own. He was raised to think for himself; I never encourage choosing sides.
I am the mother. I had no idea he wrote this message until I read it on the forum this morning. I can understand, based on his out pouring of love and concern for me, how you may have come to the assumption that he's caught in the middle. But I will tell you I have not nor have I ever put him in the middle of my marriage relationship. My son and I are close and he is protective of me, but I've always encouraged him to find a way to have a relationship with his dad. He may be an alcoholic, but he's still his father and always show respect. The divorced is between me and his dad and I would prefer that my son has nothing to do with any of the proceedings. Yes, I share information with him because he ask; however, there are things I keep to myself too.
My son is a stong willed and talented young man with a mind of his own. He was raised to think for himself; I never encourage choosing sides.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: NOVA
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by Ago
That's fantastic, I am glad to hear you are trying to leave him out of the divorce, the fact you encourage him to think for himself means you will allow him to have his own thread and draw his own conclusions from the things posted here in response to his original Post.
Your candor is appreciated.
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