loveaboy

Okay so i am going to ask for some help once again from this great group, first some background i love an addict and stood by them when the decided to get help. I was there through detox and the inpatient program and when they came home i was very supportive and it seemed that our relationship was on a new chapter that was so nice..

So after two weeks home they stumbled and drank and dropped out of site for a couple days so i went to their home to take them to a meeting, well they were so ashamed of drinking that they would not face me but we spent 4 hours on the phone with me on the porch and them in the house and for the first time since they had been home we had a good talk and they even asked me if I was still willing to let them stay with me for a few weeks as they were struggling with not drinking when alone. Of course i said anything i can do for you i will.

Now I also started going to Al anon meetings myself and later that week (thursday) my addict came over for dinner and we had a great evening together, then Friday or Saturday i did not hear from them no return calls or text messages. Sunday morning i went to my Al anon meeting and was encouraged to check on my addict, so after the meeting I went to check on them and if need be take them to a meeting, now i hate feeling like they may be drinking but i also know that an addict will hide it so i sucked it up and knocked on the door. They would not open up but finally answered the phone and i was greeted with such hate i must say it was the first time my addict treated me like an addict:wtf2.

So we parted under very heated breath with the promise to talk later on the phone, well i did not hear from them that evening and not until two days later did i get a text if they could come over, of course I said yes! Well they arrived and i was not even given the usual hug or kiss to greet me instead was told they could not see me and they were still so angry that i checked up on them and that they could not be in this relationship any longer, I was shocked to say the least! I asked how if they cared about me as much as they claimed they could be so cold and they just replied that was my problem not theirs! Well I embarrassed and humiliated myself by breaking down into tears as they walked out of my home. But claimed they wanted me to still be there for them!!

This was three weeks ago and it has been very hard for me I am working thru some issues with my Al anon group as at first i blamed them for encouraging me to got check up on my addict that day, I know in my mind it was the right thing to do but my heart says other wise. Well i still send daily text of encouragement and support and the replies i got the first two weeks were sometimes cordial and other times hateful, this last week i got no response all week to my messages and finally at the end of the week asked if they could at least reply so i knew they were okay, and did get a response that just said they were super!

So my issue is my Al anon group says to stick with it if i really do love them, but my heart says it is time to step back and if and when they need me they can ask me.

I have even written a card that says "I promised to be here for you good or bad and as i stick to my word always will be, but it is clear you do not want me to be a part of your recovery any longer, So I want you to know if you need anything I am here and all you have to do is ask I wish you well and you will always be in my heart but i am stepping back and giving you and i space...all my love!"

The question is what should i do stick with it and hurt that i am being shut out or step away and heel?

I respect all the input i get on this site and thank you for reading this...have a great day!!

MissFixit

Hi!

Others with much more experience than I have will weigh in soon.

From what you have written, your A sounds he/she is engaging in normal active alcoholic behavior. Selfish, blaming, hostile, manipulative, mixed messages, hiding. He/she likely got mad at you for checking in as they were drinking and they "got caught" and deflected blame onto you.

Why did you check up on him/her? I am surprised that your al anon group would encourage you to do that.

Think about the actions of your partner, not the words. What are the actions telling you? Not returning calls, hostile towards you, insensitive towards your feelings. How would you like this person to treat you? What are your boundaries with this person's behavior towards you?

Miss

Barbara52

Since I have never been to AlAnon I can't address what you say happened with your group other than to say I find it contrary to everything I have read on here as to what an AlAnon group would say.

But form my POV, my reaction is ask you what are you getting out of an abusive relationship? What makes you want to keep returning to abuse from someone who from your description doesn't want to seek sobriety and recovery?

You cannot make them seek recovery by trying to ensure they go to meetings. You can of course take someone to a meeting but the individual is the only one who can seek sobriety and recovery. Forcing someone to meetings is pointless if they don't want to deal with their alcoholism.

Checking up on another adult just strikes me as wrong. I too would resnet someone coming along and telling me I ahd to go somewhere and I imagine an alcholic who doesn't want to seek recovery would feel even more offended by that sort of thing. Why do you think it is your role to play parent or cop or whatever and get this person to meeting he doesn't want to go to?

prodigal

I've been through this not once, not twice, but three times with my AH. Each time, after a little more than two weeks out of rehab, he relapsed.

I guess the third time was the charm for me. I left him to his addiction. It sounds as if your friend is drinking again, based on the behaviors you are describing. You mentioned that "if need be" you would take the A to a meeting. Please do not take this wrong, and I am NOT being smug or sarcastic here, but please step away from the addict. If this person is using again, it's up to them to make the decision as to whether or not to get into a meeting. Take if from someone who got a case of the "codependent crazies" three years ago, and literally tossed my AH, who was half-trashed, into my car and drove him to an A.A. meeting. That was when I realized I desperately needed to get back on my side of the street and clean it up!

I've been active in Al-Anon for 13 years, and I've never heard any suggestion given in the rooms to check up on the A. However, I have not been to every Al-Anon meeting in the U.S. Just from my experience with the program, I have learned to stay out of the A's business.

Supporting an A is a good thing; but it sounds like you are being met with hostility that is saying, "Leave me alone." Unfortunately, this person may very well be isolating with the bottle.

GiveLove

I have been to several al-anon groups and have never been encouraged to "go check up on my addict" nor to "just hang in there if you love them." It sounds like very bad advice indeed. Is this literally what is being said? Or is this just the feeling you leave the meeting with?

I'm so sorry, loveaboy, but sounds like your addicted friend is stating her message loud and clear: at this moment, she does not want your help. It is hard, and it is sad, but it is true.

You can't force your way into her life to "save" her. She has to save herself, and does not seem inclined to do so at this point in her life. Putting yourself out there as her rescuer has earned you nothing but some long phone calls out in the cold through a locked door, a ton of hateful words, and a lot of disrespect.

I would trust my heart at this point. I know this hurts though, so please accept a hug from me

loveaboy

Well as far as the questions about the advice i got from the al anon group, it was not the best advice and i am in a new group that is really helping me thru it, but my partner had made me promise to help them not fall and I thought I was doing so..but I cannot keep them from doing so only they can! See they are a secret drinker and I have found that i kick myself to much for not seeing it.

Thank you for your reply and as i read it and others i see my question from the other side and am truly sorry to sound so pathetic, I guess i just needed a little encouragement as it is never easy to let someone you love go, but if they love me then they will treat as such and when i read my post i realize i am the one suffering!!!!

Thanks for the support!

prodigal

You are NOT pathetic. You are muddling through the only way you know how. Please keep attending Al-Anon, or go to counseling if you find Al-Anon isn't cutting it for you.

I can only speak for myself, but I've been where you are, and then some. And I genuinely thought I was being supportive and helping. Once I had the tools to take care of my own business and stay out of the addict's way, things improved.

Please keep posting. We may sound a little blunt at times, but we do care.

Barbara52

Not pathetic in the least. Unless of curse we are all pathetic. A great many of us have been there done that and took home the t-shirt.

I thought I was helping my now xAH by not talking, by talking, by arguing, by screaming, by ignoring, you name it. I finally realized I was enabling in a whole bunch of different ways. But it took talking to some friends and family who are recovering As and especially coming in here to understand that.

Stick around, read, post and keep going to AlAnon. You are beginning to understand your own issues and that is a wonderful beginning!

Jadmack25

Sometimes we hear things we don't want to think may apply to us and we feel we are being "got at". I was much like that at first, as I believed I had spent nearly 19 years "helping and supporting" my abf and couldn't understand this detaching thing at all. I now know that the only thing I had helped and supported in all that time was, ALCOHOLISM.

Nothing I had said or done had helped him get sober, at least not for long, nor did he go for counselling or professional help, or do anything other than cease drinking for a while. Each time he began drinking again, the situation soon became worse than ever before and I became physically ill with stress angina and severe depression. He knew how bad it had affected me, but still kept on drinking.

I spent all that time, energy and effort on trying to sober up someone who was just as occupied spending his time, energy and effort on staying drunk. I ended up a total mess mentally, physically and emotionally and he hadn't changed in any way at all.

Only when I began working on ME, taking care of my needs, minding my own business and letting him fend for himself, did I see change. In me and in him.
Standing back and letting him go thru detox without my "help", (meddling, interference) was hard, but he had opportunity to think without me around.

He is still sober, and we are still together in our own way, but if the beer comes back in the next 20 years or so, I will be gone and both of us know that is a promise.

Lilyflower

By putting this on you she effectively makes you responsible for her recovery.

One very important lesson that comes direct from the 3C's is that you cannot CURE them! Recovery belongs to the A and to the A alone. It has to be maintained, nutured and flourished by their actions and will alone.

Recovery in all is aspects is a one man business. All we bystanders can do is offer encouragement anything else IMO crosses into caretaking.

I personally don't like the sound of the messages being conveyed at this al anon meeting you attend. From what you have shared anyway, the messages go against anything I have learnt. JMO.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MyJoey

I say count your blessing and walk away..........you can get your peaceful life back.

support4me

Hi
Know this adivce is coming from someone in a similar situation. If I were you I would follow my gut instinct.
I have been going out with this guy for 5 years and he is alcoholic but so am I but I am recovering. It is very difficult cuz I see what it is doing to him and I know what it did to me. But we cannot quit for them. what I would do is take a step back and tell him/her that you are doing this and do some soul searching ask yourself if it is worth it? are you gaining anything from it. Also come to the chat room and talk it really helps and they are all so wonderful and polite.