no you're not stupid. we all are seeking answers but no one has the answer YOU WANT to hear.

Well, I question the independence since you seem to admit to almost stepping right into the mess but....

A month is nothing. 6 months not much more. A year sober and working a program. Maybe significatnt.

If she is serious, if she is truly changing you will know it. Just as you knew it when you reached the point where enough was enough.

In the meantime, work on your own recovery regardless of what she is doing. Her progress or lack of progress has little to do with your own recovery. And remember, it is not fair to your kids to put them back into living with her unless it truly is "better."

I am new here & am not as knowledgeable as many on this, but I am slowly learning. Beware. I also thought my AH was sober for the better part of the past year, to recently find out that he has been sneaking liquor (who knows how much) and lying to me about it for who knows how long. Until she seeks treatment she cannot begin to recover. If you stay in this relationship, you cannot help her until you seek treatment as well. Everyone is right when they say "go to Alanon!"

Hopeless, I can relate to where your thinking is coming from. You see the potential in your girl friend.

When I got married my husband drank in what I would consider normal amounts. (but I was raised in an alcholic family so my normal was all messed up) anyway as time went on things got worse. You are already finding beer hidden around the house. OH the good old days when the family dog was drinking so heavily in his dog house.... my husband denied putting the beer there, and even got mad that I would think he would put beer in the dog house.

I guess what I want to say is this is forever for the the A. Even if the drinking stops the ism continues. An A can work a program and live an rich life, just like I can as a codie but as soon as I stop my program work I slide right back into my old thinking. For me part of my old thinking was to focus on the potential. Please look at the whole person. What are you willing to live with?

Its so easy to say this, but so hard to do....

Leave! Run! If not for you, for your children. Their innocence is so precious. Do not bring this into their life.

*Sigh* I know you all are right. My mom was married to an alcoholic for 13 years and we compared 'promises' and 'sorry days' the other day. I am going to miss this girl so much =( she was so perfect for me with the exception to this...

Thanks all, I am staying strong. She tries to contact me on a regular basis and I just ask how she is doing and then say I have to go. I just wish it could be over completely and not this lingering pain. Better this short term lingering pain though then a lifetime of constant pain... wish me luck as I keep saying no to her question of getting back together due to her promises of sobriety, it's very hard.

hopeless, maybe those phone calls (or emails, or texts, or whatever) need to stop for a while so you can heal.

I know that I didn't get a handle on that lingering pain 'til I went No Contact. It's the contacts that re-open the wounds every time.

Good luck
:hug:

Having an addict in your life is physically, emotionally, financially and psychologically draining. They will suck the life out of you. As adults, we understand what is going on but continue to hold out for hope of change. But what about the kids? Is it healthy for them to live with the conditions and examples that you as their father, bring into their lives? No matter how much you love her, bottom line is that it is not healthy. I stayed married to an alcoholic/drug user for 23 years and it impacted my son tremendously. He now has emotional scars and issues because of it. If I had to do it over again, I would have terminated the unhealthy, draining relationship many years before it impacted my son.

Sir, Apply your logic to the situation for a second and view it objectively without preconceptions or feelings. She's suffered through a lot of physical and mental abuse up till her last marraige. She was raped 2 years ago after getting trashed in a bar and still willingly returns to that setting, even going to the extent of lieing to get there. She slit her wrists out of depression. Alcohol is only the tip of the iceberg masking her real problems. She needs more than substance abuse related treatment she needs psychological treatment. I would say trick her into treatment right away, because if shes drinking like that while shes awaiting funding, shes probably not completely serious about going. It doesnt sound like it should be a we'll get to it when we can kind of thing. Tell her your bringing her somewhere else and drop her off at rehab. Whether you decide to keep her in your life or not is your own decision, I would say set her up with the help she needs, then say good bye and if she returns to you healthy then give her a shot. However what your doing right now isn't helping the situation whatsoever. There is no such thing as a logical drunk person. Alcoholics like myself and your girlfriend do complex gymnastics in our brains to justify the screwed up things we do in our lives. Perfect example was how she reacted when you showed her the excuses on line. Protect your kids and deal with the situation objectively, in my opinion how could she make a judgement on whether she loved you or not when she has so many issues within herself. Let her make that decision after shes sober, look out for number one man.

Just to clarify in case I wasn't completely clear. I am cutting off contact. She has been constantly reaching out to bring me back in and I have constantly been cutting the conversations short or not responding. My point was that it hurts, despite the fact I know it's for the best. As for tricking someone into rehab, she has three children that are reliant on her at least for food and shelter. She's been in treatment for a month now, not waiting around for it. I just came to the realization that as someone else glorious put it, "The alcohol can go away, but the ism never does." Thanks to all for the continued support. I finally went a day where she has not contacted me... it has been both a blessing and a burden as I still care and wonder how she is doing. But I hold true to moving on and know it will get better!

Hi Hopeless
The first days, weeks it SUCKS but it gets better...
Just offering ((hugs)) and if you can I suggest journaling, it has helped me a lot to acknowledge my feelings...

As they say in the Sex and the City movie, when one of them leaves her partner, she says something like "I love you, but I love me more, and the relation with myself is the one I need to work on".

Hang in there man!

Hi, I understand how hard all this is. When i first seperated from my xab i thought my heart would break in two, no contact was so difficult, i was obsessed with him he was my drug. Not knowing where he was and what he was doing drove me crazy. this feeling stopped for me when I reached my bottom. Unfortunately I took him back several times before getting to this stage, his manipulation reached an all time high, his final lie was telling me he had cancer. That was the last time i saw him, and things got easier.

I can honestly tell you hand on heart it was the best thing he ever did for me. 16 months later and my life is peaceful, full of life and laughter for both me and my children.

Keep strong Hopless and in time you can change your name to Hopefull.

Gill

I had a boyfriend once the first love of my life.He was not a addict but was mean and possessive.My husband is not a mean,possessive person .I will tell you right now I would rather have the addict than the other one.I know my husband with a program can control his urges to use.The ex boyfriend never has a program to work.You may go though many relaspes and maybe not.The sooner she quits being a bartender the better it will be.Take care

What do think are the chances she will stay at a treatment center after being duped and brought there? They will not hold her against her will unless actively suicidal/homicidal