Fear of Change
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Fear of Change
Hi,
Fear has been on my mind lately as many posts here are about life changes, and I fear change...all change. My way to deal with change has been to grin and bear it.
What do other people do when facing major life changes? (Relationship, Moving, Job, Family, etc). Any advice or guidance is appreciated.
Miss
Fear has been on my mind lately as many posts here are about life changes, and I fear change...all change. My way to deal with change has been to grin and bear it.
What do other people do when facing major life changes? (Relationship, Moving, Job, Family, etc). Any advice or guidance is appreciated.
Miss
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
One thing I do is give myself time to react. I will tell myself "ok you can go into panic/fear mode for x period of time and then you will stop." Then I start being rational about what is going on, what has to go on, what you can do , etc.
When I am really at a loss of what some situation means I should do, I can make up a list of possible actions (including the ridiculous since it helps me to put those out there), make a list of pros and cons for each possible action. I try to take emotion out of the decision making process as much as I can.
When I reach a decision, I take action to make that decision come to fruition while knowing that I ahve to adapt and change the plans and sometimes the decision itself based on what happens as time goes by.
Hope this is kinds of thing is what you are looking fo.
When I am really at a loss of what some situation means I should do, I can make up a list of possible actions (including the ridiculous since it helps me to put those out there), make a list of pros and cons for each possible action. I try to take emotion out of the decision making process as much as I can.
When I reach a decision, I take action to make that decision come to fruition while knowing that I ahve to adapt and change the plans and sometimes the decision itself based on what happens as time goes by.
Hope this is kinds of thing is what you are looking fo.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thanks Barbara.
Your post is very helpful. I graduate in 7 weeks. Moving back to my old town and terrified of seeing the ex (he is pretty reclusive though). I have a job lead that sounds promising, so I have fingers crossed. Not sure where I will live, but I have a possible lead.
Lots of changes will happen very rapidly and I am just getting scared. My birthday is in 3weeks and I will be spending it alone this year. Kind of sad about that, but I think that making a fuss would bum me out more. Mixed feelings about all of the transitions and being alone now.
For years now I/we had planned to marry after graduation. That's not happening and am still trying to be at peace with that. All of the other changes are magnifying how alone I am and I just feel...scared.
Your post is very helpful. I graduate in 7 weeks. Moving back to my old town and terrified of seeing the ex (he is pretty reclusive though). I have a job lead that sounds promising, so I have fingers crossed. Not sure where I will live, but I have a possible lead.
Lots of changes will happen very rapidly and I am just getting scared. My birthday is in 3weeks and I will be spending it alone this year. Kind of sad about that, but I think that making a fuss would bum me out more. Mixed feelings about all of the transitions and being alone now.
For years now I/we had planned to marry after graduation. That's not happening and am still trying to be at peace with that. All of the other changes are magnifying how alone I am and I just feel...scared.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
How exciting that sounds! And scary too.
One thing that may help also is to change the words you use in your own head when thinking about all the new things coming your way. Deliberately using postive words when you think about the new job, new home, etc will indeed help you experience an overall more postive outlook on it all. Our thought do indeed shape how we feel about things.
So thinking "I'm am going to a new job in my new field and I am going to set the world on fire" will lead you to feel better than thinking "I'm going to a new job and gee I hope it turns out ok but I don't know 'cause what if xyz happens."
See what I mean?
One thing that may help also is to change the words you use in your own head when thinking about all the new things coming your way. Deliberately using postive words when you think about the new job, new home, etc will indeed help you experience an overall more postive outlook on it all. Our thought do indeed shape how we feel about things.
So thinking "I'm am going to a new job in my new field and I am going to set the world on fire" will lead you to feel better than thinking "I'm going to a new job and gee I hope it turns out ok but I don't know 'cause what if xyz happens."
See what I mean?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thank you.
It sounds exciting, but when you have been planning to do it with a partner and are now doing it alone, the "excitment" turns (for me) into panic/fear/anxiety/can I do this?.
Thanks for the idea of thinking of it differently, using different terms. That might help to take some of the intensity and pressure off. People keep asking me what will I do, where will I go/live, am I dating again?
First, no idea what I will do. Have a new lead in a different field, so we'll see how that goes. I have had many leads this past year in the financial industry that went no where, so it is a bit of a crapshoot.
Second, I am moving back to my old town on the coast where I felt at home last (not my childhood hometown). I call it my "grown up" hometown as I moved there when I was 21 and stayed until I was 31. Now I am returning "home" by myself. I miss the water. I miss the landscape. I miss the streets and historic homes. I miss my doctors and grocery stores and my neighborhood. Not sure exactly where I will live there (apartment of some type and they are rare, but the college there is letting out for summer so there should be something new on the market). I like being downtown, so I can walk everywhere and not drive too much. Returning without L will be weird at first, but I do think will pass with time. I am coming back with an MBA and minus a boyfriend/fiance.
There is something odd, but freeing about that, and I am not even sure what it is. Same people, same roles, but I am this new(er) person. I have traveled to China, visited my sister twice in New Orleans, checked myself in for a night at a five star hotel (off season), met school mates from around the world, made a few very good lifelong pals, passed my courses with A's and B's and concentrated in finance and economic development.
What if my old friends don't like me? What if I have changed and they haven't? Will they still be my friends? I am no longer a push over and I have new boundaries that I understand are okay to have. Will they get mad? Will they have forgotten me over the last 1 1/2? I am no longer part of a couple and ALL my girlfriends are married with children. (They had kids, I got a masters and I am jealous of them).
I am just being a neurotic girl right now having a therapy session on SR. Pretty silly. My problems are no where on the level as others here, but the depression, low self worth, lack of self identity and lack of self confidence is amazing to me. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. A major part of that is being rejected by L and having our life gone. Coping with that one.
My self esteem isn't where it needs to be, and I know that I have to increase it before moving, working, etc...because it will be fast paced and I won't be able to keep up if I am not in a higher gear. I went from 5th to neutral in October and now I am slowly putting my life into 1st again.
It is amazing how far we can come, how different our lives are and yet we all share this common "what the hell just happened and keeps getting worse and why did I stay" experience that takes months/years to overcome.
Life is so much more than the A in our lives. Sometimes it is just overwhelming to get back into our own.
It sounds exciting, but when you have been planning to do it with a partner and are now doing it alone, the "excitment" turns (for me) into panic/fear/anxiety/can I do this?.
Thanks for the idea of thinking of it differently, using different terms. That might help to take some of the intensity and pressure off. People keep asking me what will I do, where will I go/live, am I dating again?
First, no idea what I will do. Have a new lead in a different field, so we'll see how that goes. I have had many leads this past year in the financial industry that went no where, so it is a bit of a crapshoot.
Second, I am moving back to my old town on the coast where I felt at home last (not my childhood hometown). I call it my "grown up" hometown as I moved there when I was 21 and stayed until I was 31. Now I am returning "home" by myself. I miss the water. I miss the landscape. I miss the streets and historic homes. I miss my doctors and grocery stores and my neighborhood. Not sure exactly where I will live there (apartment of some type and they are rare, but the college there is letting out for summer so there should be something new on the market). I like being downtown, so I can walk everywhere and not drive too much. Returning without L will be weird at first, but I do think will pass with time. I am coming back with an MBA and minus a boyfriend/fiance.
There is something odd, but freeing about that, and I am not even sure what it is. Same people, same roles, but I am this new(er) person. I have traveled to China, visited my sister twice in New Orleans, checked myself in for a night at a five star hotel (off season), met school mates from around the world, made a few very good lifelong pals, passed my courses with A's and B's and concentrated in finance and economic development.
What if my old friends don't like me? What if I have changed and they haven't? Will they still be my friends? I am no longer a push over and I have new boundaries that I understand are okay to have. Will they get mad? Will they have forgotten me over the last 1 1/2? I am no longer part of a couple and ALL my girlfriends are married with children. (They had kids, I got a masters and I am jealous of them).
I am just being a neurotic girl right now having a therapy session on SR. Pretty silly. My problems are no where on the level as others here, but the depression, low self worth, lack of self identity and lack of self confidence is amazing to me. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. A major part of that is being rejected by L and having our life gone. Coping with that one.
My self esteem isn't where it needs to be, and I know that I have to increase it before moving, working, etc...because it will be fast paced and I won't be able to keep up if I am not in a higher gear. I went from 5th to neutral in October and now I am slowly putting my life into 1st again.
It is amazing how far we can come, how different our lives are and yet we all share this common "what the hell just happened and keeps getting worse and why did I stay" experience that takes months/years to overcome.
Life is so much more than the A in our lives. Sometimes it is just overwhelming to get back into our own.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Projecting into the future can get me into a pretty darned big panic. Just before I started college last fall, I swear to God I though I was going to start foaming at the mouth! I hadn't even enrolled yet and in my head I had myself flunking classes and being a failure and everyone was laughing at me and and... 
I had to take a lot of deep deep breaths, pick up that phone and call my sponsor, and get back to living in the moment. That helped me a whole bunch!
:ghug
I had to take a lot of deep deep breaths, pick up that phone and call my sponsor, and get back to living in the moment. That helped me a whole bunch!
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I shrink my "world" until I live in today
I wake up every day with a racing head, I pray and meditate (although I am not religious it's VERY helpful)
Over the last 8 months I have:
"run away from home"- moved to a new area with no place to live and no job and no money, I had to store all my stuff under a friends house and couch surf until I found a place (this was to escape my alcoholic/drug addicted family)
I did "odd jobs" (built a fence, painted some houses etc.) for two months until I found something a little more regular
Broke up with my girlfriend of that time who referred to me as a homeless, jobless loser during that period.
Found a place to live with 3 other "sober people" for six months, then relocated yet again 100 miles away to my own little two bedroom house (I moved day before yesterday)
I deal with all of this by going to meetings, I worked the steps with a sponsor, and there are some very specific instructions in steps ten and eleven which say things like "upon awakening" and "upon retiring at night" that are beyond helpful
I also use the phone...like...a lot.....like a whole lot.
Anyhow, like Freedom projecting into the future wrecks me, my favorite example of how my mind works was in an episode of the muppets, there were these two old men in an Opera Seat, and this skit ended and it cut to them, they were applauding madly saying yaaaay yaaay bravo bravo That was GREAT
Then they were like "welll, there were some slow parts in the middle....actually there were quite a few slow parts...actually some parts were terrible....actually that whole thing was terrible...that was awful.....Boooo Booooo
So I shrink my day even, and just do the next right thing, I even go to five minutes at a time.
My mind is not my friend, I give it a little rope and it wants to be a cowboy and the next thing I know I have hung myself
It works, it actually really works, all of this spiritual claptrap hokey pokey stupid slogany granola eatin fruitbat ********....
It really does.
I wake up every day with a racing head, I pray and meditate (although I am not religious it's VERY helpful)
Over the last 8 months I have:
"run away from home"- moved to a new area with no place to live and no job and no money, I had to store all my stuff under a friends house and couch surf until I found a place (this was to escape my alcoholic/drug addicted family)
I did "odd jobs" (built a fence, painted some houses etc.) for two months until I found something a little more regular
Broke up with my girlfriend of that time who referred to me as a homeless, jobless loser during that period.
Found a place to live with 3 other "sober people" for six months, then relocated yet again 100 miles away to my own little two bedroom house (I moved day before yesterday)
I deal with all of this by going to meetings, I worked the steps with a sponsor, and there are some very specific instructions in steps ten and eleven which say things like "upon awakening" and "upon retiring at night" that are beyond helpful
I also use the phone...like...a lot.....like a whole lot.
Anyhow, like Freedom projecting into the future wrecks me, my favorite example of how my mind works was in an episode of the muppets, there were these two old men in an Opera Seat, and this skit ended and it cut to them, they were applauding madly saying yaaaay yaaay bravo bravo That was GREAT
Then they were like "welll, there were some slow parts in the middle....actually there were quite a few slow parts...actually some parts were terrible....actually that whole thing was terrible...that was awful.....Boooo Booooo
So I shrink my day even, and just do the next right thing, I even go to five minutes at a time.
My mind is not my friend, I give it a little rope and it wants to be a cowboy and the next thing I know I have hung myself
It works, it actually really works, all of this spiritual claptrap hokey pokey stupid slogany granola eatin fruitbat ********....
It really does.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
just to be perfectly clear I didn't do all of this gracefully, and I frequently went into what I refer to as "vapor lock" which is frozen and unable to move forward or backward, kind of a "deer in the headlights" thing, I mean just immobilized by fear.
The point is I did it, and got through it.
I didn't want to give the impression I was like some sort of Gandhi type with Terets syndrome that moves through life gracefully, I made a lot of moves under protest and was damned noisy about it...but I did it.
It was hard.
It was really really really hard.
The last year has been about the hardest year of my life (not my worst year, my hardest, making all of the changes I needed to make to try to get healthy and distance from my family were pretty difficult).
But here I am.
My life continues to improve and I continue to feel better and get better, just a little at a time.
It's impossible to "see" from "here" my changes or progress, but when I do "spot check" inventories (step ten) that take into account where I was a year ago, six months ago, three months ago etc I can see huge progress, both with my "insides" and "outside stuff"
The point is I did it, and got through it.
I didn't want to give the impression I was like some sort of Gandhi type with Terets syndrome that moves through life gracefully, I made a lot of moves under protest and was damned noisy about it...but I did it.
It was hard.
It was really really really hard.
The last year has been about the hardest year of my life (not my worst year, my hardest, making all of the changes I needed to make to try to get healthy and distance from my family were pretty difficult).
But here I am.
My life continues to improve and I continue to feel better and get better, just a little at a time.
It's impossible to "see" from "here" my changes or progress, but when I do "spot check" inventories (step ten) that take into account where I was a year ago, six months ago, three months ago etc I can see huge progress, both with my "insides" and "outside stuff"
Last edited by Ago; 03-17-2009 at 08:55 AM.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
just to be perfectly clear I didn't do all of this gracefully, and I frequently went into what I refer to as "vapor lock" which is frozen and unable to move forward or backward, kind of a "deer in the headlights" thing, I mean just immobilized by fear.
Yep, that's me. I should change my nic to Still Stuck in the Headlights. LOL./
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It works, it actually really works, all of this spiritual claptrap hokey pokey stupid slogany granola eatin fruitbat ********....
MissFixit, hugs to you (and happy early birthday too!) Change is never easy, but every time we get through it and honor ourselves by doing a good job at it, it gets easier the next time. Sounds like a wonderful life you're heading back into. Heck with that guy - you're going to do great.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thank you.
All of your posts are helpful and remind me to "take it one day at a time." That saying is beginning to bug me, so I might come up with a new one for myself. This experience has allowed me to see many ways I have been unhealthy, such as allowing myself to get anxious much of the time. My head races. It always has, but it wasn't an issue before a few months ago. Exercise, SR, therapy and meds help with that.
When I take the time to slow down and not get ahead of myself, I actually feel happiness for a while. Then, on the next freak out. I am getting better, but boy do I struggle with that. (I do see how MY anxiety probably made it hard for my ex to be around that...not that it was any reason to drink). I have high expectations for myself and I never seem to be able to meet them. Even when I do, it doesn't seem good enough. I will try to do better in the future and stay calmer.
I like order and things being as simple as possible. I get nervous and then begin to take everything in at once, get overwhelmed and ...you get it.
Thanks for your voices of reason.
Miss
All of your posts are helpful and remind me to "take it one day at a time." That saying is beginning to bug me, so I might come up with a new one for myself. This experience has allowed me to see many ways I have been unhealthy, such as allowing myself to get anxious much of the time. My head races. It always has, but it wasn't an issue before a few months ago. Exercise, SR, therapy and meds help with that.
When I take the time to slow down and not get ahead of myself, I actually feel happiness for a while. Then, on the next freak out. I am getting better, but boy do I struggle with that. (I do see how MY anxiety probably made it hard for my ex to be around that...not that it was any reason to drink). I have high expectations for myself and I never seem to be able to meet them. Even when I do, it doesn't seem good enough. I will try to do better in the future and stay calmer.
I like order and things being as simple as possible. I get nervous and then begin to take everything in at once, get overwhelmed and ...you get it.
Thanks for your voices of reason.
Miss
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I dealt with a tremendous amount of change a few years back, and I was so, so afraid most of the time. I didn't let too many people see it, allowed myself all the little "controls" I needed as I got more grounded, and continuously forced myself to put one foot in front of the other each day. I trained myself eventually to accept invitations out, even when my heart wasn't into it, just to force myself to go through new experiences as a "single" rather than a couple. My "couple" had gotten pretty horrible, so being just me wasn't really bad, except when always around married people! I found my niche here and there, divorced and single people usually find each other eventually as friends. Just keep your eyes and heart open to new friends, be generous and loving to the old friends (if they deserve you ) and take it one day at a time. And it helps to quote the Little Engine That Could: "I think I can, I think I can...."
) and take it one day at a time. And it helps to quote the Little Engine That Could: "I think I can, I think I can...."
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I thought I was past expecting too much change in my life at my age, but the last few months sure has been a real doozy.
First was being evicted from my home of 7 years because of huge rent increase, then spending a month sleeping in a car as I had nowhere to stay that was close to urgent medical help. Thought life had become stable again when I got a seniors unit and was so relieved and happy. Spent next 3 weeks worried about 97 year old mother, and friends living in and around bushfires in Victoria, then next week was expecting to get blown away here as cyclone Hamish came down the coast.
Finally all was safe and would you believe it, last Saturday I had a bad heart turn and ended up in Coronary Care in hospital. Seems 4 months of stress had waited til then to hit me.
Now more changes to be made, 50 years of smoking have ended, new pills to take and a regime of rehab to follow.
Oh well, if a change is as good as a holiday, I AM ON A WORLD CRUISE.
God bless
First was being evicted from my home of 7 years because of huge rent increase, then spending a month sleeping in a car as I had nowhere to stay that was close to urgent medical help. Thought life had become stable again when I got a seniors unit and was so relieved and happy. Spent next 3 weeks worried about 97 year old mother, and friends living in and around bushfires in Victoria, then next week was expecting to get blown away here as cyclone Hamish came down the coast.
Finally all was safe and would you believe it, last Saturday I had a bad heart turn and ended up in Coronary Care in hospital. Seems 4 months of stress had waited til then to hit me.
Now more changes to be made, 50 years of smoking have ended, new pills to take and a regime of rehab to follow.
Oh well, if a change is as good as a holiday, I AM ON A WORLD CRUISE.
God bless
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