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-   -   Lots of quacking going on... (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/171847-lots-quacking-going.html)

sillysquirrel 03-16-2009 01:44 PM

Lots of quacking going on...
 
I am happy to report that my AH has not drank for 6 weeks. That is the end of my good news, though.

He has been very angry, volatile, argumentative, etc. Just plain difficult to be around. Not everyday though. There are some days mixed in where he seems to be the person I married. Happy, easygoing, fun...The thing is, you just never know what you will wake up to. If he is in a bad mood, it is immediately apparent. If he is in a good mood, things are great, BUT, I am constantly walking on eggshells because it could change at any given moment.

I am sure many of you will jump all over me and say I need to quit focusing on him and start focusing on me, but I am going to say this anyway. Here is my theory...

I think AH is depressed, or maybe even bipolar. I think that is a big part of his drinking. I have been researching this and from what I understand, alcoholics are often drinking to soothe themselves of other problems. The alcoholism is a result of another issue. Now, AH truly likes to drink. So, even if he was not depressed or had no other issues, I do believe he would still drink. He loves to drink! However, I wonder if it would be at this level. He definitely is NOT one to drink everyday and never really has.

I know I need to work on myself and quit trying to figure him out. I am tossing the idea of divorce around. However, I do not want to rush into something and break up my family if he can be treated for this. Now, if only I can get him to open up to the idea of seeing a doctor...

LaTeeDa 03-16-2009 01:53 PM


Originally Posted by sillysquirrel (Post 2151496)
I am sure many of you will jump all over me and say I need to quit focusing on him and start focusing on me

I won't "jump all over you." Instead I will share that no amount of focusing on him made my life better. I thought I knew what I wanted, and it all depended on him doing something or not doing something. He quit drinking. Isn't that what you wanted? No? Now you want something else?

You can have all the "theories" in the world about what makes him tick and how you can control the outcome of his life, but until you start looking inside yourself, nothing will work. That's my ESH.

L

sillysquirrel 03-16-2009 03:10 PM

I predicted responses like these. But, I disagree. As his wife, his life partner, his friend, how do I ignore all of these obvious signs that there is definitely something wrong with him? He is not functioning normal. I have been with this man for almost 15 years. I know him. I know he is not well. How can you all just tell me to ignore this, walk away from him, and get a life? It seems so selfish to not try to help when someone is suffering, especially when it is your own spouse.

And, not once have I ever thought that if he were to quit drinking, all would be well. Well, maybe I thought that a few years ago, but not anymore. My eyes are open. I know there is more to our problems than drinking.

Barbara52 03-16-2009 03:24 PM

From the little I know of what alcoholics are like when the begin sobriety, this sounds pretty normal. So is there something else behind the alcholism or the current behaviors? Maybe, maybe not. Is he going to AA or someother treatment program? Is he in therapy? You can suggest either or both but you can't make he actively participate in either.

catlovermi 03-16-2009 03:25 PM

Check out this counselor's post just today on playing the victim. And also his most recent posts. Extremely useful information when one has an addict in one's life, I thought.

CLMI

Still Waters 03-16-2009 03:37 PM

My AH is the same sillysquirrel, I believe that there is some serious mental illness going on with him..that wasn't visible through the insanity of alcoholism. Once he got dry (not recovered) it became obvious.

You can only discuss it with him, and suggest he get help. Counseling, etc. He will, or he won't. With mine, he refused counseling saying there was nothing wrong with him, that it was all me. There was nothing I could do beyond that. And there won't be anything you can do if yours refuses, or refuses to be honest with the counselor.

Taking5 03-16-2009 03:39 PM

I am with Barbara. The signs you describe are all classic "white knuckle" sobriety. Is he working AA?

I am no Dr and cannot rule out a medical diagnosis, but my experience is that AA and/or therapy can make a tremendous difference in the anger, volatility, etc.

WomanFriend 03-16-2009 03:44 PM

sillysquirrel -

My XABF suffered from alcoholism, bulimia, depression, trauma from childhood incestuous molestation, and who knows what else. He was unhealthy on so many levels. One pathology may explain or contribute to another, but the point is all of these things were his battles. Alcoholism is often a symptom of something deeper that needs to be resolved within the person.

I don't know your story as I haven't read your others posts yet, but I would make the same suggestion as Barbara52. A program and/or therapy in addition to his sobriety are necessary. You cannot force them on him, though.

Good luck with everything.

Still Waters 03-16-2009 03:47 PM


Originally Posted by catlovermi (Post 2151710)
Check out this counselor's post just today on playing the victim. And also his most recent posts. Extremely useful information when one has an addict in one's life, I thought.

CLMI

Awesome link, thanks!

Ago 03-16-2009 04:07 PM


Originally Posted by anvilhead (Post 2151515)

once it was all about HIS drinking. today HE'S not drinking. but that's not good enough either. now you've come up other issues for HIM to work on and fix. and IF ONLY he'll do that...............see where i'm going with this?

The neverending gravy train of discontent, aaah I know it well.....

If only this then that......

I've been on both sides of that eight ball

I will never forget the look on my GF's face (about 14 years ago) after I had quit drinking, smoking, I had turned into an anal neat freak around the house, changed my career, was working full time and taking 24 units at school, plus attending AA, going to therapy and couples couseling....all of these things at her strong suggestion....and it still wasn't enough, but she couldn't think of anything else for me to change.

Her head just......exploded...I mean literally....I will NEVER forget that moment in time, her mouth was opening and closing like a fish trying to breathe desperately trying to think of some new way it was my fault and I could improve myself....there was nothing left....

for years and years and years it was always one.more.thing.

Finally at that moment I said "enough...no more"

She left me shortly thereafter for a married man


Squirrel, as Dgillz stated these are "normal" symptoms for "white knuckle" sobriety in my experience

MissFixit 03-16-2009 04:08 PM

Cat,

I just read that article and a few others on that site. Very interesting.

Miss

Barbara52 03-16-2009 04:33 PM

Thanks for that link cat! There is a lot of great information in there.

sillysquirrel 03-16-2009 04:43 PM

Her head just......exploded...I mean literally....I will NEVER forget that moment in time, her mouth was opening and closing like a fish trying to breathe desperately trying to think of some new way it was my fault and I could improve myself....there was nothing left....

I am not her........

MissFixit 03-16-2009 04:46 PM

Sillysquirrel,

What do you want for your life? What kind of relationship do you want to have with him? What do you want from a partner?

Miss

blessed4x 03-16-2009 04:48 PM

sillysquirrel...........I get what you are saying. My AH is just a week behind yours with the no drinking thing. His moods vary as well. I've been attending Alanon and counseling which has been a huge help for me, but is a thorn in his side. He told me last week that if I still thought he was an alcoholic he may as well leave now. I showed him the door, but then he changed his tune and the quacking started.

My counselor asked me last week what my overall feeling was. The only thing I could think of was frustration......like a hamster in a wheel going nowhere. She assured me that I am making progress and that I won't be sitting on her couch having the same conversations a year from now. In fact, she said it is time to start making some concrete changes. Sadly, she said the prognosis of our marriage is poor when I don't have a willing partner. Mine won't go to counseling, AA, or even a doctor for a check-up. Heck, he lost a filling 2 months ago and won't even go to a dentist because he "can take care of it" himself.....huh?!

I just wanted to give you a (((hug))) and let you know that all these things you are questioning are valid, but in the end (as I'm sure you know) the only person we can really change is ourself. I don't know how feasable it is for you to get to counseling or Alanon, but it has been a lifesaver for me. Trust me, I didn't think I needed it and didn't want to go. I put it off for months, but in just a few weeks time I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel......with a few little blips along the way!

LaTeeDa 03-16-2009 06:14 PM


Originally Posted by sillysquirrel (Post 2151682)
As his wife, his life partner, his friend, how do I ignore all of these obvious signs that there is definitely something wrong with him? He is not functioning normal. I have been with this man for almost 15 years. I know him. I know he is not well. How can you all just tell me to ignore this, walk away from him, and get a life? It seems so selfish to not try to help when someone is suffering, especially when it is your own spouse.

I was with mine for almost 20 years. I tried every way I could think of to fix him. I failed. He can only fix himself. Therapy was definited a lifesaver for me. One of the first things she told me is I needed to find a new project. I didn't want to hear that at the time, but she was so right.

No one is telling you to walk away. We are just telling you that you aren't powerful enough to fix him. Once you accept that, it's up to you to decide what to do about it.

L

prodigal 03-16-2009 06:31 PM


Originally Posted by sillysquirrel (Post 2151496)
I am happy to report that my AH has not drank for 6 weeks.

We finally get to a point that we realize our hapiness is not contingent on whether or not the A in our lives is drinking, pulling a dry drunk, or being a royal pain. The addict owns their addiction. I own my choice to be happy or miserable.



Originally Posted by sillysquirrel (Post 2151496)
you just never know what you will wake up to. If he is in a bad mood, it is immediately apparent. If he is in a good mood, things are great, BUT, I am constantly walking on eggshells because it could change at any given moment.

These are the behaviors and responses of an active A and a codependent. Sorry, like it or not ... it's what it is.


Originally Posted by sillysquirrel (Post 2151496)
I am sure many of you will jump all over me and say I need to quit focusing on him and start focusing on me, but I am going to say this anyway.

To begin with, nobody here is jumping all over you. They disagree with you. They are telling you how they were dragged through hell and back by an active addict in their lives and how they reacted to it. And just how sick they got before they got better. What you may read as attacks .... well, I'm sorry if you do, but nobody here knows you personally, nor do they know your AH. They are telling you, based on their own life experiences, what happened. Take what you need and leave the rest.


Originally Posted by sillysquirrel (Post 2151496)
I think AH is depressed, or maybe even bipolar. I think that is a big part of his drinking. I have been researching this and from what I understand, alcoholics are often drinking to soothe themselves of other problems. The alcoholism is a result of another issue.

That's all well and good, but his issues belong to him. Focusing on trying to figure him out doesn't get you further down the road to recovery. I'm not advocating you divorce him, react to him, leave him, or kick him out. I'm simply advocating that you quit worrying about what makes him tick - after all, he's the addict here - and spend some time on yourself.



Originally Posted by sillysquirrel (Post 2151496)
I know I need to work on myself and quit trying to figure him out. I am tossing the idea of divorce around. However, I do not want to rush into something and break up my family if he can be treated for this. Now, if only I can get him to open up to the idea of seeing a doctor...

So are you going to argue, convince, harrass, plead, beg, and move heaven and earth to get him to seek recovery? Threaten to walk out? Threaten divorce? Don't make any threat you don't intend to enforce. Why not just get out of his way and allow him the dignity of hitting his bottom, if he finds it.

If you know you need to work on yourself, then in the next breath you are trying to talk him into the idea of seeing a doctor, you are not tending to your own business. I've been married to TWO alcoholics. I learned from the school of hard knocks. But doggoned if I didn't finally get it through my thick skull that I had no business tending to the addict's business.

I had choices to make: stay, leave, or leave the addiction alone and live with it. Whatever gets us to a peaceful state and focused on ourselves.

marshallzhukov 03-16-2009 07:13 PM

While neither refuting nor supporting what anyone else has said, IMHO most alcoholics/addicts have fairly serious mood swings in their first year of sobriety, I would tread cautiously though in coming to an undeniable conclusion that he is bipolar.
I think that it is definitely something that you should consult with a psychiatrist/substance abuse counselor/mental health professional if it continues, however.


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