Relationship Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 1
Relationship Help
This is my first time posting, so I'll give a little bit of background about myself.
I have never really been a fan of drinking. I find it really attractive when a guy is skilled or passionate about something and sticks to it. Conversely, if a guy is acting like a moron or laughing at stupid things, I don't find it very attractive. Drinking seems to encourage the latter, so I've never really had the urge to drink, and I'm a bit turned off when other people do.
When I was 16, my father started abusing alcohol. He used to have a couple glasses of wine at night, as his italian heritage would demand of him, and that never bothered me. But when he lost his job, and his marriage was struggling with my mother, he turned to drinking. Heavily. He would get drunk and insult me, call me a *****. A straight "A" student with the same boyfriend for a year and spends most of her time at an arcade, being a dork. I was all of a sudden the worst daughter in existence.
He would threaten to hit me, but thankfully never did. He went through all the symptoms of cirrhosis of the liver (although I didn't recognize it as such at the time), and eventually died from the disease when I was 18, a few months before I graduated high school.
To keep this post as short as possible, it really has taken a toll on my emotional stability. After being insulted by him, threatened by him, sitting in the passenger's seat while he drove drove drunk, and many other things I would rather not get into, I feel I'm scarred.
My boyfriend does not drink often. He says he only drinks at his friends' weddings, and occasionally when he sees friends he hasn't seen in awhile. I have a really really strong emotional reaction to this idea. It hasn't even happened yet, but the idea of him drinking or getting drunk sends me into hysterics.
I can think of a million solutions. We could agree on how much he drinks, and he could stop if I started to get uncomfortable. Or I could just not go to the weddings so I wouldn't have to see it. Or I could just try and get over this. Drinking is a temporary effect, he doesn't abuse it, and he loves me very much. But no matter what logic I throw at myself, my brain is overrun by emotions, and all I can see is my father swearing at me and insulting me when I used to be daddy's little girl.
Is there any solution? What is the best way for me to get comfortable? I would love to go to the wedding, and I really want to try and be ok with this, but I don't want to end up sobbing my eyes out and having a drunk boyfriend trying to console me.
Please help. =/
I have never really been a fan of drinking. I find it really attractive when a guy is skilled or passionate about something and sticks to it. Conversely, if a guy is acting like a moron or laughing at stupid things, I don't find it very attractive. Drinking seems to encourage the latter, so I've never really had the urge to drink, and I'm a bit turned off when other people do.
When I was 16, my father started abusing alcohol. He used to have a couple glasses of wine at night, as his italian heritage would demand of him, and that never bothered me. But when he lost his job, and his marriage was struggling with my mother, he turned to drinking. Heavily. He would get drunk and insult me, call me a *****. A straight "A" student with the same boyfriend for a year and spends most of her time at an arcade, being a dork. I was all of a sudden the worst daughter in existence.
He would threaten to hit me, but thankfully never did. He went through all the symptoms of cirrhosis of the liver (although I didn't recognize it as such at the time), and eventually died from the disease when I was 18, a few months before I graduated high school.
To keep this post as short as possible, it really has taken a toll on my emotional stability. After being insulted by him, threatened by him, sitting in the passenger's seat while he drove drove drunk, and many other things I would rather not get into, I feel I'm scarred.
My boyfriend does not drink often. He says he only drinks at his friends' weddings, and occasionally when he sees friends he hasn't seen in awhile. I have a really really strong emotional reaction to this idea. It hasn't even happened yet, but the idea of him drinking or getting drunk sends me into hysterics.
I can think of a million solutions. We could agree on how much he drinks, and he could stop if I started to get uncomfortable. Or I could just not go to the weddings so I wouldn't have to see it. Or I could just try and get over this. Drinking is a temporary effect, he doesn't abuse it, and he loves me very much. But no matter what logic I throw at myself, my brain is overrun by emotions, and all I can see is my father swearing at me and insulting me when I used to be daddy's little girl.
Is there any solution? What is the best way for me to get comfortable? I would love to go to the wedding, and I really want to try and be ok with this, but I don't want to end up sobbing my eyes out and having a drunk boyfriend trying to console me.
Please help. =/
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, welcome to SR. I am so sorry you have been so affected by your father's drinking, but there is hope. There are a few suggestions I can make. Alanon is for loved ones of alcoholics. It's free and has helped me immensely. Counseling/therapy is another possibility in helping you work through all the emotions you have from what your father has put you through.
I hope you continue to post here, and please know you are in the company of friends who understand how you feel. :ghug :ghug
I hope you continue to post here, and please know you are in the company of friends who understand how you feel. :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
You mean he has never had a drink around you yet? So you are just preemptively freaking out that he might want to sometime?
Alanon would probably be good for you. There is lots of good support here at SR.com as well.
Alanon would probably be good for you. There is lots of good support here at SR.com as well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... Im so glad that you found us and Im even more happy that you are reaching out for help.
Im the Adult child of a raging Alcoholic, I also married an Alcoholic that was abusive and cant tell you how many I have dated.... I understand completely the feeling of anticipating what will happen, of the fear just thinking about caring that deeply for a person and the pain it will cause when they let us down....
The only thought here is that you cant control other people. All that fear inside of you is your issue to work through. My truth is that until I delt with the issues inside of me I would never be free from the fear and it did not matter what the people around me were doing... Alanon was my first step (because I was still in relationships with Alcoholics that were drinking) and a heck of alot of Therapy... Then I started coming to SR and attending CoDA meetings. I have spent many years focusing on myself and my recovery... The damage was much more then another persons drinking.... I had to work hard on my insides before I was free of those feelings.
I look forward to getting to know you, stick around and get to know us. Your not alone, many of us here understand where you have come from... The good new is there are solutions.
Im the Adult child of a raging Alcoholic, I also married an Alcoholic that was abusive and cant tell you how many I have dated.... I understand completely the feeling of anticipating what will happen, of the fear just thinking about caring that deeply for a person and the pain it will cause when they let us down....
The only thought here is that you cant control other people. All that fear inside of you is your issue to work through. My truth is that until I delt with the issues inside of me I would never be free from the fear and it did not matter what the people around me were doing... Alanon was my first step (because I was still in relationships with Alcoholics that were drinking) and a heck of alot of Therapy... Then I started coming to SR and attending CoDA meetings. I have spent many years focusing on myself and my recovery... The damage was much more then another persons drinking.... I had to work hard on my insides before I was free of those feelings.
I look forward to getting to know you, stick around and get to know us. Your not alone, many of us here understand where you have come from... The good new is there are solutions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents. Mom was neglectful and emotionally distant. Dad was physically and verbally abusive. I am now working thru my issues from my childhood in my mid 50s. I strongly recommend individual conselling. It has made a world fo difference to me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Counseling helped me with that too. There was a time when the pendulum swung all the way over to one side, and I would feel physically sick when my (non-A, non-abusive, barely-drinking) partner would accept a glass of wine.
In counseling, I could see the whole pendulum -- from accepting whatever alcoholics did to me, all the way to the other extreme. It helped me to find a place in between where I felt safe, strong, and loved.
In counseling, I could see the whole pendulum -- from accepting whatever alcoholics did to me, all the way to the other extreme. It helped me to find a place in between where I felt safe, strong, and loved.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
