Change makes me nervous--even good change!
 

Hi Everybody,

Just an update. Things have been going well. AH and I are both going to at least one meeting per day and sometimes two. He has almost a week sober and is working hard after meetings with his sponsor (even taking the bus to get there--lol) and on his own. I still haven't found a new sponsor yet, but I sure have been trying. Patience is not my strongest quality :) AH's connection with an HP has been remarkable to see, especially for somebody with his family history. He is not ready for sainthood or anything (lol), but he is willing to open his heart and mind and learn.

AH is starting a new job next week with a better company for better pay, and we also got the opportunity to switch apartments where we live for a better one with less rent (not sure how we managed that?). Our relationship right now is as good as I knew it could be. For the first time since I can remember, there is hope in our house, and we are both grateful.

So if things are going our way, why am I so afraid? I worry about things not working out or failing at what we want to accomplish or a myriad of other things. Sometimes the anxiety is overwhelming. Why can't I just relax and enjoy whatever good things come our way?

I am trying to remember to turn things over to HP and to let go, knowing that we will be provided for, but sometimes it's just hard not to try to control everything and expect bad things to happen so I won't be disappointed. I just can't relax the way I would like to.

Hi Glenna -- I've been wondering how things have been going with you and am glad you posted. I'm glad things are going well.

So if things are going our way, why am I so afraid? I worry about things not working out or failing at what we want to accomplish or a myriad of other things. Sometimes the anxiety is overwhelming. Why can't I just relax and enjoy whatever good things come our way?

I know this feeling oh so well. I spent(d) every day there, even now that AH is gone. It seems as soon as I get a few steps ahead, something happens and I get pushed backward. I am beginning to realize that these occurences are a big part of life. Sh** happens!

I also know that a big part of the fear and anxiety I have is from living so long with my AH and never knowing what to expect day to day. I used to spend every day wondering if this would be the day he would "fall off the wagon". It was finally one of the reasons I reached my bottom. The anxiety was causing me health problems and I had to finally wake up and say to myself -- sober or not -- I cannot live the rest of my days this way.

Also, when we live with prolonged periods of anxiety, our body is producing too much adrenalen. It can cause problems with our adrenal glands in that they no longer recognize how much adrenalen to produce. They get all "wonky".

Ask yourself what the anxiety and worry is about. Is it something you have control over or not -- is it all about him or just everything. I found that my entire day and life would centre and be controlled by whether he would relapse or not -- all of it. I neglected myself and many other of my responsibilities because I was soooo consumed with the possibility of him slipping. And the disappointment that came with it. When I finally learned to have no expectations around anything he did, and focused on myself, things got better.

I hope things continue going well for you Glenna.
take care
Laurie

Thanks, Laurie. Yeah, it's not so much about him relapsing, but just that the perpetual "dark cloud" that seemed to follow the both of us around has kind of lifted, and it feels unnatural. We have both spent the last 3 years dealing with loss after loss, and it's hard to really believe that we could actually gain. I want to believe 100% that HP has it covered and remind myself of that, but then the negative tapes start playing and anxiety creeps back in.

Remember to stay in the moment, Glenna! :ghug :ghug

I agree, and this is very hard for me to do unless I stay really really busy.

For me, after all the stress of dealing with what you're going through for so long, I no longer trust my own judgment on anything. I think that causes that black cloud over me that you describe.

Glenna, I know how you feel. When it's been so long since you felt good about your situation, it's hard to come across good feelings and let them just happen. Part of it for me was fear of relapse (he hasn't drank since Jan), another part was that the 'drama' of drinking was gone (i.e. the fights the next day, the anxiety of knowing the weekend was coming). It's tough to let my guard down and just try to enjoy my day and fix things with him without the dark cloud creeping in. The last part was my fight between feeling better about him but also remembering all the negative things he put me through. It is getting better, but I think it all just takes time, and of course, seeing both of us continue active recovery.

Hugs, Glenna. Try to live in Today, but be ready for any kind of Tomorrow. :hug:

Ever meet someone who is a super-long-term martial arts person? They can't know if they're going to turn a corner some day and encounter someone who's bigger and fiercer and meaner than they are.....but they DO know they can handle it when it comes, so they often walk with an air of grace and courage that I'm jealous of.

The ultimate goal for me is to become strong, wise, and calm enough to know that I can and will be happy no matter what happens or what someone else chooses. The stress lifts, as I've no longer got everything invested in one outcome. Al-Anon was SO helpful to me in this, as was counseling and, yes, martial arts training :D

Glenna, I hope you had a blessed and peaceful weekend. :ghug :ghug

Everything said above is true. When you have spent so long battling thru storm after storm it is almost impossible to believe in the sunny days. One tends to keep looking for the black clouds to come rolling in again, because that is what we have become used to.

Enjoy what you have at this moment, and let God work the miracle in your lives that you have wanted and dreamed of all these years.

You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless