bbdad23

I am new to this forum and I have come here for answers and advice. My wife and I have been together since Jan 1995. We got married in June of 2000. We have 2 boys, 7 and 13. I am 32 and she is 33. We have some problems with our marriage that are not uncommon but my wife reacts to them in a very destructive way.

In 1998, we split for a while and she went wild. She went out almost everynight. She moved out of the house we were living in but I still took care of my son almost every night. I was the only security he had. This went on for almost 7 or 8 months until she was driving home one night and got a DUI. Soon after that she stopped drinking and we married in 2000.

In, 2004, we encountered some problems and she started hanging out with some younger single people from work. She started going out for drinks after work and the next thing I know she was having an affair. I confronted her about her affair and she told me she wanted out of the marriage. She then starting going out more, at least 3 times per week. This went on for 6-7 months until she called me at 1:00 am and told me her car would not move. I loaded up the kids and drove to the bar to find that her car was wrecked. I noticed a pole in the parking lot that she had hit. She was able to get the car into the street before the wheel finally broke. Soon after that she stopped drinking and partying. SHe broke down and told me she was sorry and that was the worse time in her life and she would never do it again.

About 2 months ago, I caught her flirting with a guy online. She even gave him her phone number. I confronted her about it and the next day she told me she didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. She has been drinking again and paryting every weekend. She even goes out on weeknights. Sometimes she will get home at 4:00 am. I have been going to a marriage counselor by myself and she told me that my wife might be an alcoholic and I need to confront her about it. I told my wife that I was concerned about her drinking problem and I am not keeping it a secret anymore. I then told her mom, brother, and dad. She found out and told me that she is done with the marriage and is filing for divorce. I told her that she needs to get help because I want my kids to have a mother. Even if she is acting like a horrible mother. She is telling her family that I am lying about everything and I think they believe her.

She is very pissed at me right now and I do not know what the future holds for me and my boys. My wife did not drink hardly at all when the marriage was good but she drinks alot when we have problems. I don't think I have any support from her family becuase they are ver enabling. I told them they can turn a blind eye and deny it and hopefully nothing happens to her or they can try to get her some help.

I attended my first AL-ANON meeting today so I hope I can learn something at that. Please, I am open for advice or suggestions.

Latte

The people at Al-Anon can be a very good support system and you are on the right road by seeing a counselor. She may never get better but you can.

Welcome to SR, and keep posting. This is a wonderful place.

baileyboop

Sending some thoughts and prayers your way..I hope you continue to look at what you can do for you..

bookwyrm

Welcome. You've found a great place for support and information. Have a read at the Classic reading section (aka stickies) at the top of the forum - they contain a wealth of information. You will find that you are not alone in this.

:ghug3

coyote21

Dad23,

Unfortunately you are living my old life from 2-3 years ago, man sorry about that.

The fact that you found Alanon may save your sanity, or if you're like me, reinstate it to some degree.

Main thing, keep taking care of those kids, man they need you really bad right now.

The infidelity thing means NOTHING in divorce court as far as custody goes. :wtf2 I know, weird huh? Any way, alcoholism means a lot in a custody case. What with you being a man and all, the custody deck is stacked somewhat in your wifes favor, her drinking will level that playing field.

I kept a journal of ALL the alcoholic bs, dates, times, etc. I quit drinking. I went to Alanon 3x a week, court ordered. I got me a higher power. I prayed.

My aexw got CPS involved in our lives. Oddly enough the very alcoholism that was ruining my family, and CPS turned out to be my best/most unlikely allies when the custody battle began.

Alcoholism got me out of a disastrous marriage without having to leave my precious 5yo daughter behind. I will be forever grateful.

Btw, my ex-inlaws bought all my xaw's bs too, they were of zero help. The whole blood/water thing I guess. Read the stickies at the top of the page and learn all you can about alcoholism.

Hang in there, you will survive this.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

coyote21

BTW, my aexw also wanted a divorce, I didn't in the beginning. That all changed after a while.

But I found this bit of wisdom some where on SR a few years ago and it helped me a lot. Maybe it'll help you or someone else too.

Let them go....
This is how I feel about the people who walk away from me during the times that I needed them the most.....

LET IT GO......

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this. When people can walk away from you, let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. " [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when a person's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.



Stop begging people to stay...LET THEM GO!!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying,
"Take your hands off of it," then you need to...LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing and it's time to release and let go of the old...LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left...think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

LET IT GO

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

nelco

Really hope you get the love and support you need in al anon.....great you took an action for yourself.

ItsmeAlice

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a leap of faith to put the secret of alcoholism out there for other to see and possibly judge. The severity of your wife's using seems to be lost on her family. Be proud of yourself for seeking support outside of your family with those that have been and are going through the same things.

You will find great support here, a little tough love when needed, and bottomless well of knowledge.

Read all you can and take care of yourself as you work through this.

Welcome!

Alice

bobnocomprende

I'm in somewhat the same boat. My soon to be ex hid alcohol and it wasn't apparent to me what was happening. She drove through a huge tree; spent time in the hospital and is now in a fancy rehab center somewhere in southern CA. Her parents still don't believe she has a problem. They were my closest confidants for almost 20 years and now we don't speak because of my "lies" about her drinking. I have 5 bottles of vodka hidden around the house to prove my point as well as a tremendous amount of information to support me but they still deny. It's an amazing situation.

It sounds like you're getting the kind of help you need...feel free to email me if you feel like you're alone in this. I have an 11yo daughter who is with me through this.

Best of luck,

Bob

bbdad23

Thank you all for your replies. The al-anon meeting tought me that I can't help those who can't help themselves. If she feels like she must divorce me because I told her family about her drinking problem, then she if free to do that. It won't help her problems though. It won't help her with her relationship problems now or any relationships in the future.

Her problems stem from her father walking out on her when she was 13. Her dad was abusive to her mom and her mom good fed up and divorced him. Her father moved 3 hours away and left her mom to take care of my wife and her younger sister. She worked 3 jobs to take care of the girls so they never had a father figure and really did not have a mother. They pretty much did what they wanted. Her sister did the same thing to her husband two years ago so it is hard wired into these girls that their selfish needs are what is most important to them even though it hurts others.

She needs help with her drinking problem and help with her relationship problems. I can't help her anymore.

Still Waters

bbdad23 (and bobnocomprende),

You cannot change it, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it. Keep that in mind.

The alcoholic is all about tearing you down to raise themselves up, making you feel vulnerable and sorry for them, so they can use you over and over and over. They will distort, lie, manipulate, create out of thin air, and any other thing they can come up with to meet their needs. It doesn't matter where their problem stemmed from, or what caused it, because you can't do a darned thing about it. Only they can do that.

Please, get help for yourselves, in therapy or in Al-Anon meetings. But do it from a safe, warm, and loving environment for the sake of your children. If you think what your alcoholic spouse is doing to you is horrible, just think what it's doing to the children.

Ago

You have gotten some great advice and support here, Coyote was especially helpful IMO

You can get more support from Alanon, that can really help you process what you are going through, the stickies, stories, and posting here also helped me immensely

Now the "blunt" part

What I would suggest is rewriting your original post (ie your relationship history) in a "bullet point" format for yourself

The way it is set up now, it's an "emotional" history, but there is some absolutely important information that maybe if you could take "the story" and "the emotion" out will help you move forward and make a decision based on what is best for you and your children.

Perhaps if you saw how many times this woman has been physically and emotionally unfaithful to you and how destructive her life choices are to you and your children in a 'unemotional" format it will help you in your decision making process in the future.

From here it's a "no brainer" to me but, for me, when I was in a fairly similar destructive relationship, when I was enmeshed in "the story" I had an absolute inability to take stock of the situation realistically, and my friends could tell me to leave until they were blue in the face (which they did) but until I switched from "look what she's doing to me" to "what decision and action can I take to make my life better" I was stuck repeating the same behaviors.

I can't emphasize enough the importance of attending meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps are, or in five years or so you'll be back either with the same woman and the same problems, or yet another version of the same woman.

That is my experience and observation is that unless I change I just keep repeating the same behaviors and patterns until I do change, it's not about "them" it's about me and what I decide is healthy and my mental health is absolutely critical in what kind of woman I attract and find attractive.

My experience is we attract "our mirror" and until I cleaned that "mirror" up I just kept having the same distorted relationship over and over.

Good Luck, my heart goes out to you

Janitw

Never make someone in your life a priority when all you are to them is an option.....trust me when I say this....

bbdad23

Wow, you guys are great. Thank you for all your responses and advice.

bbdad23

Hello all. My wife told me she is seeing an attorney today and is filing for divorce. I can't help her anymore.

Freedom1990

Continue to seek help for yourself in Alanon. Those children need one sane parent who is there for them physically AND emotionally. :ghug :ghug

Jazzman

THE best advice I ever got (related to your current situation) was from a marriage counselor close to the end of my first marriage. She said.. "Get educated about your rights as a Father and do not give them up. Then get a good lawyer in case you need to fight for your rights in court." Why most Fathers agree to anything less than 50/50 is beyond me. In your case you might have an argument for full custody.

bbdad23

I went to my second Al-anon meeting today and realize that my wife's problem is in her genes. Her grandfather was an alcoholic and still is. So I guess it skipped a generation. She does not know what true love is because her dad and mom got divorce when she was 13 and her dad was very abusive to her mom. Realizing all this, I cannot help her. SHe will continue on this course for the rest of her life. She will never be in a healthy relationship for the rest of her life. I deserve my happiness.

suki44883

Well, that doesn't have to be the way it is. It's possible that at some point she will hit a bottom or face some circumstance that will cause her to see that alcohol is destroying her. She may seek help. That's not to say that you should stick around. You have to do what is best for you and your sons...and yes, you do deserve your happiness.

sillysquirrel

My wife did not drink hardly at all when the marriage was good but she drinks alot when we have problems.

Or, maybe, the problems arise as a result of her drinking.

Being married to someone who leaves you at home with the kids all of the time and is contantly away drinking somewhere is no fun. I feel your pain. I have 4 children and am left to take care of everything while my AH is out drinking (socializing, as he calls it). It is very upsetting and frustrating.

I met with an attorney a few weeks ago and he told me to keep a private journal of my AH's activities. He said it could be very helpful if/when there is a custody fight. That may be something you would want to consider. That way you will have it documented every time she is out drinking and you can show that you are the responsible parent. Judges tend to side with the mother unless she is proven unfit. You may want to start strategizing.