Ago

That's great she's filing, that solves one of your difficulties right there.

For me, I found that it was absolutely important to realize I couldn't "help" her, but at that moment I also realized that I would only get better if I concentrated on me and took my own inventory in order for me to get better, I could analyze "her" and her "problems" until I was blue in the face, but none of that actually helped me heal and get better, as a matter of fact it held me back from my own recovery.

Generally speaking it takes "two to tango" and unhealthy relationships don't just occur in a vacuum, she may have her issues but there absolutely a reason you were with her, it may behoove you to find out what that reason is and to heal from it unless you just want to keep repeating your behavior.

When I was drinking, I picked people who would take care of me, after I had some sober time, I started dating people I could "help" and "take care of", kind of like "Hey Mom, this stray dog followed me home, can I keep it? I promise I will house train it and clean up it's messes."

I learned, much to my dismay, that not only are adult humans not trainable, the messes they create are a hellova lot messier then just a pile of doodoo on a carpet.

What Freedom said is of critical importance in my opinion, she's right, those kids absolutely need one sane parent.

One of the things Alanon teaches people is how to not bring "rescue animals" home with them and attempt to have relationships with them.

MissFixit

BBDad,

Hi. You do deserve happiness. So do your kids!

Reading Ago's post, this paragraph stuck out to me:

"When I was drinking, I picked people who would take care of me, after I had some sober time, I started dating people I could "help" and "take care of", kind of like "Hey Mom, this stray dog followed me home, can I keep it? I promise I will house train it and clean up it's messes."

I too cared for my ex until I set up boundaries that I felt were reasonable as he is an adult and I had responsibilities in my own life that had nothing to do with him. He sought another to "take care" of him when I did this. Those were his exact words.

Just my opinion, but your kids need a stable caretaker and it sounds like you are a great one. Your wife sounds like she is wrapped up in herself and her drama. You and your kids will in the long run have a greater chance at happiness away from her chaos.

Miss

coyote21

She is protecting her disease, you betrayed her to her parents and are MUCH too dangerous to keep around now. Consider this a gift from your HP.

The hardest and best thing I did in the midst of all that drama and chaos was to Stop protecting my adult alcoholic wife and begin to protect my then 4yo daughter. I had that backwards for a long time.

It was sooo difficult to wrap my head around the fact that alcohol was putting me in a position to have to protect my daughter from her own mother. That was a very unnatural thing for me to have to do.

I'll pray that your HP gives you the strength to rise to this occasion. I absolutely could have NEVER done it w/o my HP.

Funny, I was an non-believer before all this mess. I guess it didn't matter. My HP never once left my side or let me down through all my mess. Truly one miracle after the next. Go figure.

He loves me like I love my child.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. What's YOUR next move? If you do nothing you'll be done to. That's personal experience speaking.

bbdad23

Thanks, my kids are very important to me. They give me a tremendous amount of peace and purpose.

They cannot help that their mother is a horrible person and an alcoholic. I say horrible person because she has committed "adultery" (call it like it is) several times during our relationship. SHe then had the nerve to blame all this on me.

I have to concentrate on taking care of my kids. I cannot place judgement on my wife, that is for God to take care of.

Still Waters

Very true, it is hard to see it and to understand it. Now I feel horrid guilt that I didn't start protecting her earlier.

Live and learn.

scissorsister

hi,
im new hear but i really wanted to add something,im not sure if im doin it right so plz bare with me
the father of my 3 children is an alcoholic/drug user. my 10 yrs with him was hell,i mean hell.
he slept with many people behind my back,he lied and cheated his way through life and every mistake he made he blamed on me,i didnt drink at all,i hated the smell of it. he turned me into a terribly frightened person.
he slept with my sister for 2 yrs whilst she was living with me,i didnt have the faintest idea,i was just glad they where getting on so well with each other( lol ). anyway to cut a long boring babble short we eventually split up,it took yrs to get him out of my life but i did it,then i turned to drink because i thought it made me confident and it sure did make me forget,i am 3 yrs sober now. but the point i was trying to make is that he has the exact same life now, he has 3 children with a girl who looks and acts remarkably like me,he has left her for younger women when she has stopped "taking care of him" and he has slept with HER sister.
im telling u.....exact same life.....different woman.
so glad its not me anymore,but i do feel for her
i hope it all works out for u and ur child
much love
sister xx

SoberforME

One of the best pieces of advice I can give you is that there are lawyers that are specifically trained and focus on father rights. Find one. They know all of legal arguments about why the kids should go with the Mom and can counter them .

Good luck to you.

Ago

I found it helpful to view my "ex" and my "family" as extremely ill, as opposed to "horrible person"

As long as I viewed them as "horrible people" as opposed to "extremely ill people that had done horrible things" I remained "stuck"

I mean they may very well be horrible people, but as long as I was stuck in that mindset I was being judgmental

Be as angry as you like, take all the time you need, say whatever you need to say, all of this just happened, but for me, healing began when I could start seeing them as sick people, not bad people, somehow that allowed me to start focusing on myself, maybe because as "horrible people" they did all of this TO me, as opposed to sick people, they just did all of this horrible stuff that affected me.

The latter choice in thinking gave me my power back so I could begin making decisions and taking actions that took the responsibility away from them and put it on me to make the choices I needed to make in order to move forward and have a healthy fulfilling life and protect myself from the fallout from their behavior.

catlovermi

Love this insight! Thanks!

CLMI

Still Waters

I agree with Ago on this, it's much easier for me to deal with my AH as a person who is profoundly mentally ill (which I believe him to be). It's very hard to be angry or judgmental about a person who is insane.

bbdad23

Thanks AGO. I do love my wife, as strange as that might seem right. I am just in the beginning stages of Al-Anon and it is extremely tough to watch somebody that is this sick and you are completely powerless to help them. I realize I cannot help them. My focus is on my kids. I do believe she is mentally ill as well as her family.

Ago

/hugs

We "get" it

We love(d) our alcoholics too, not strange at all, it's a tough one

:ghug3

bbdad23

I saw an attorney yesterday and I am about ready to pull the plug!!!!

steve11694

In her mind, "it is your's and everyone elses fault" for her problems, except her fault, that is alcohols fault. This is "par for the course" Alcohol is in control of her and she has lost the ability to process thought normally.

Alcoholics/addicts are predictable though; you can bet she will continue to lie, even lie to her lawyer. That can help you if it gets to the point of going to court.

To her, the only thing in life that matters, is drinking, being with drinking people, at drinking places. Grandiosity is normal in alcoholics.

Take care of your kids and yourself, and realize you cannot control her behavior.

kermit

It has been 3yrs since my seperation from my AH 1 1/2 since the divorce and I still love him, I always will, what I know now is that I love myself more.

steve11694

I too never stopped loving AW. We cannot sanitize their insanity or fix their problems.

I can't say how much I love myself but life should be as pleasant as possible, and living with an addict was far from pleasant.

Still Waters

We all love the A's in our lives, if we didn't we wouldn't hurt so badly having to watch them self destruct.

It's just that one day I realized that loving him, was killing me. Not to even mention what it was doing to my teenager. (insert horrid gut wrenching guilt here)

It WILL get better bbdad, I promise you. It will.

JoBloggs

Hi bbdad - I am back here after a while away (surprise, surprise... the problem doesn't go away). I am in a similar situation to yours. Just asked my AH to move out of our family home. It's really heartbreaking, especially for our three kids, but I know it's the right thing to do because I am powerless over his behaviour. He's a binge drinker (2 or 3 times a week til the early hours of morning for the last decade or so that we've been together) but won't address his drinking at all and actually says that he wants to be a binge drinker for the rest of his life. Weird! He is the son of an alcoholic father and has been unfaithful to me a number of times. It's great that you are getting help. I am going to try and get some too! Take care of yourself and your kids. X

bbdad23

Thank you all for your advice. I visited with an attorney on Wednesday and now I haev to sit down with my wife and discuss selling the house and moving the kids out of their school district. We live in an area where there are no apartments so I hope my wife is happy what she has done to her kids. Honestly she is so consumed with herself that she probably does not give a crap.

Freedom1990

I hear the pain in you post. I am so sorry that you and the kids are going through this! She is going to have to look at herself in the mirror every day, and believe me, it will come crashing down on her eventually.

Please keep posting here, love those precious kids, and know that you are in my prayers. :ghug :ghug