I don't know what to say..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Ohhh okay so you pressed his buttons....and this in his sick narcisstic mind says its okay to throw a glass at you?? Cut you up and then what???? Tell you that he is so sorry and that he loves you ???? LOVE isn't supposed to HURT hunny ???? Woman up, lawyer up and take care of BUSINESS...okay. Oh....and HEAL up. Hugs to you sweetie.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Tallulah love, I am so sorry.
Battered women often feel, or are made to feel, that they are to blame for their battering. You have been injured by his stupid, selfish, angry, immature action......and just as a battered spouse would do, you blame yourself, second-guessing the would've, could've, should've.
So do victims of rape and assault. "If only I hadn't worn that short dress." "If only I'd walked another way home."
I hope you see this, and are past it now. You have done nothing wrong, nothing that couples in conflict do every day of the year in every country on the globe......but in your case, he was arrested for hurting you.
This is a GOOD thing. Perhaps he will learn, finally, that the world does NOT revolve around him, and he does. But more important than that.......I am hoping you will learn to focus on yourself, your safety, your joys, your future.
You now know what he is capable of. Please protect yourself.
And please check in when you get a chance.......a ton of people are worried about you here.
Battered women often feel, or are made to feel, that they are to blame for their battering. You have been injured by his stupid, selfish, angry, immature action......and just as a battered spouse would do, you blame yourself, second-guessing the would've, could've, should've.
So do victims of rape and assault. "If only I hadn't worn that short dress." "If only I'd walked another way home."
I hope you see this, and are past it now. You have done nothing wrong, nothing that couples in conflict do every day of the year in every country on the globe......but in your case, he was arrested for hurting you.
This is a GOOD thing. Perhaps he will learn, finally, that the world does NOT revolve around him, and he does. But more important than that.......I am hoping you will learn to focus on yourself, your safety, your joys, your future.
You now know what he is capable of. Please protect yourself.
And please check in when you get a chance.......a ton of people are worried about you here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi everyone... :ghug
I am sorry I have not checked in before. I have mostly been in the hospital.
When I last posted, I was going back to the emergency room to see a plastic surgeon. I went back and had a consultation. He decided that they needed to have a look at it, clean it out and assess the damage. He couldn't tell me yet whether it would require a general or a local anaesthetic but he made another appointment for me to be admitted the next morning for surgery. He said that I should have been admitted and kept overnight when the ambulance brought me in but said I should go home, get some rest and he would see me tomorrow.
I arrived at the hospital at 9:30 and left at 12:30. I hadn't heard from the police so called them to let them know what was happening. There was no answer so I left a message. I got a cab and headed back home. While I was on the journey home I got a call from the police. The A had been charged with ABH (assault occasioning actual bodily harm) and was being bailed in 45 minutes. The problem was his bail conditions said he was to have no contact with me or incite anyone else to make contact with me and to reside at our address. So I was effectively told that I had 45 minutes to get home, pack a bag and get out.
I managed to get a bag of clothes, toileties etc together (as much as I could with one hand) and get out. I ran to a nearby park. Then I realised I had nothing and nowhere to go. My family (2 brothers, parents are deceased) are in other parts of the country and I have not been in London long enough to have an extensive network. So I rang the only two people I really knew in London.
One spoke to her husband. Called me back and said, hold tight we are coming to get you, you are coming home with us and you can stay as long as you need. Yesterday they both spent the day in hospital supporting me and have been nothing but loving and supportive to me. I am 'family' they say. And they are my angels.
Yesterday I went to the hospital ward and they admitted me. I was seen by a consultant plastic and reconstructive surgeon and he said they were going to put me under, have a look and try and repair any damage with microsurgery. And that is what happened. I was taken down at 2:15p.m and woke up in recovery at 4:55 p.m. The operation took about 2 hours.
The damage was worse than I thought. I knew that there was nerve damage but I hoped there was no tendon or ligament damage. The laceration was very deep. It had severed muscle, nerve and ligament. That was repaired. I am now in a hard cast, and taking two types of anti biotic and two types of painkiller. I will be in a cast for 6 weeks and after my hand comes out of cast I will need physical therapy. The scar will be much worse that the original laceration because of the need to reattach my ligament to the joint. I got out last night and the pain was unbearable (even with very strong painkillers).
I have started to come out of the shock. My stuff is still in that house and I am worried about what will happen, but I am alive and in a good safe place.
I have many blessings. Not least that this damage is to my left hand: not to my left eye or to my left cheek. I will look at the scar that remains and thank my HP for taking care of me that night. I was meant to leave that house on Saturday 14th (but the A's messing around meant that that had to be postponed for this Saturday 21st): and my HP made sure I got out; made sure I wasn't in hospital unaware when he was released and in danger of going back there unwittingly; made sure I got to a safe place; made sure that the A can not contact me until his trial date (in 9 days) even if he wanted to, and; made sure I am surrounded by loving wonderful people.
xxx
I am sorry I have not checked in before. I have mostly been in the hospital.
When I last posted, I was going back to the emergency room to see a plastic surgeon. I went back and had a consultation. He decided that they needed to have a look at it, clean it out and assess the damage. He couldn't tell me yet whether it would require a general or a local anaesthetic but he made another appointment for me to be admitted the next morning for surgery. He said that I should have been admitted and kept overnight when the ambulance brought me in but said I should go home, get some rest and he would see me tomorrow.
I arrived at the hospital at 9:30 and left at 12:30. I hadn't heard from the police so called them to let them know what was happening. There was no answer so I left a message. I got a cab and headed back home. While I was on the journey home I got a call from the police. The A had been charged with ABH (assault occasioning actual bodily harm) and was being bailed in 45 minutes. The problem was his bail conditions said he was to have no contact with me or incite anyone else to make contact with me and to reside at our address. So I was effectively told that I had 45 minutes to get home, pack a bag and get out.
I managed to get a bag of clothes, toileties etc together (as much as I could with one hand) and get out. I ran to a nearby park. Then I realised I had nothing and nowhere to go. My family (2 brothers, parents are deceased) are in other parts of the country and I have not been in London long enough to have an extensive network. So I rang the only two people I really knew in London.
One spoke to her husband. Called me back and said, hold tight we are coming to get you, you are coming home with us and you can stay as long as you need. Yesterday they both spent the day in hospital supporting me and have been nothing but loving and supportive to me. I am 'family' they say. And they are my angels.
Yesterday I went to the hospital ward and they admitted me. I was seen by a consultant plastic and reconstructive surgeon and he said they were going to put me under, have a look and try and repair any damage with microsurgery. And that is what happened. I was taken down at 2:15p.m and woke up in recovery at 4:55 p.m. The operation took about 2 hours.
The damage was worse than I thought. I knew that there was nerve damage but I hoped there was no tendon or ligament damage. The laceration was very deep. It had severed muscle, nerve and ligament. That was repaired. I am now in a hard cast, and taking two types of anti biotic and two types of painkiller. I will be in a cast for 6 weeks and after my hand comes out of cast I will need physical therapy. The scar will be much worse that the original laceration because of the need to reattach my ligament to the joint. I got out last night and the pain was unbearable (even with very strong painkillers).
I have started to come out of the shock. My stuff is still in that house and I am worried about what will happen, but I am alive and in a good safe place.
I have many blessings. Not least that this damage is to my left hand: not to my left eye or to my left cheek. I will look at the scar that remains and thank my HP for taking care of me that night. I was meant to leave that house on Saturday 14th (but the A's messing around meant that that had to be postponed for this Saturday 21st): and my HP made sure I got out; made sure I wasn't in hospital unaware when he was released and in danger of going back there unwittingly; made sure I got to a safe place; made sure that the A can not contact me until his trial date (in 9 days) even if he wanted to, and; made sure I am surrounded by loving wonderful people.
xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
tallulah, my thoughts and prayers are with you. It is a terrible situation but HP will show you the way in troubled times (as he already has) and will lead you to a better place. Rest and heal, don't try to take on too much in terms of your emotions. Let your mind rest too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
T,
Thank God you are okay. Again, I am terribly sorry this happened to you.
I remember his hemming and hawing about helping you move quickly and now this has happened. Please take care of yourself. Your friends sound wonderful like guardian angels. Glad they stepped in to help you.
There are only 9 days remaining until his trial. That is pretty fast. As you are resting, could you and the couple form a plan of action to remove your belongings once he is out of the house? They might be able to help physically or financially with the van/movers. They have sseen first hand what he is capable of.
BTW, whenever my ex did something bad to me (not on your level) he was crying, begging and repentant. Gifts flowers, cards... He also involved friends who did not understand his behavior. First he enlisted them to contact me to try and "talk sense into me" and then he would try to turn them against me. I only tell you this as you are through the awful part, but he is now caught. If he is drinking, he might blame you and you need to be ready for that.
Thank God you are okay. Again, I am terribly sorry this happened to you.
I remember his hemming and hawing about helping you move quickly and now this has happened. Please take care of yourself. Your friends sound wonderful like guardian angels. Glad they stepped in to help you.
There are only 9 days remaining until his trial. That is pretty fast. As you are resting, could you and the couple form a plan of action to remove your belongings once he is out of the house? They might be able to help physically or financially with the van/movers. They have sseen first hand what he is capable of.
BTW, whenever my ex did something bad to me (not on your level) he was crying, begging and repentant. Gifts flowers, cards... He also involved friends who did not understand his behavior. First he enlisted them to contact me to try and "talk sense into me" and then he would try to turn them against me. I only tell you this as you are through the awful part, but he is now caught. If he is drinking, he might blame you and you need to be ready for that.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
sweetheart,
I am glad you are safe with good people. I am sad that your situation got so crazy so fast and ended up in the way it has.
I hope the physical pain goes soon, that you heal well and that the scars fade. I hope that the emotional and spiritual pain of this episode in your life fades too. let me repeat again that this outcome is not your fault.
Talk to the DV support or victim support people about how to get your stuff out of there. The police may well escort you (or your agent given your hand and the circumstances) to go and collect it.
keep safe and keep posting!
I am glad you are safe with good people. I am sad that your situation got so crazy so fast and ended up in the way it has.
I hope the physical pain goes soon, that you heal well and that the scars fade. I hope that the emotional and spiritual pain of this episode in your life fades too. let me repeat again that this outcome is not your fault.
Talk to the DV support or victim support people about how to get your stuff out of there. The police may well escort you (or your agent given your hand and the circumstances) to go and collect it.
keep safe and keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Tallulah,
I had a pretty strong emotional response to your update; I felt a burning anger that you would be assaulted then they would release the assailant back home, and kick you to the streets with nowhere to go. I was grateful for the conditions they put on him to stay away from you, though.
I went away a few hours to let my reaction settle before responding (thank you, recovery work!!), and it has floated up what a blessing in disguise and work of your HP this appears to be.
If you had gone home and HE had been kicked out, you would be all alone, trying to cope. And fearful that he might return, and what he might do if so.
As it is, you have a safe, secure place to stay with two loving people to assist you and support you face to face.
I just see HP all over this...
And on the lighter side, NOTHING makes a codie feel more warm all over than to be asked by a person truly in need, who is truly grateful for help, and be able to help them. And it's not even enabling! LOL!! I know my codie genes are just scintillating at the thought of how your friends are rising to the occasion! (This is not to say they are codies, just that we codies are all probably cheering for them, behind the scenes, vicariously, here!)
Hugs to you,
CLMI
I had a pretty strong emotional response to your update; I felt a burning anger that you would be assaulted then they would release the assailant back home, and kick you to the streets with nowhere to go. I was grateful for the conditions they put on him to stay away from you, though.
I went away a few hours to let my reaction settle before responding (thank you, recovery work!!), and it has floated up what a blessing in disguise and work of your HP this appears to be.
If you had gone home and HE had been kicked out, you would be all alone, trying to cope. And fearful that he might return, and what he might do if so.
As it is, you have a safe, secure place to stay with two loving people to assist you and support you face to face.
I just see HP all over this...
And on the lighter side, NOTHING makes a codie feel more warm all over than to be asked by a person truly in need, who is truly grateful for help, and be able to help them. And it's not even enabling! LOL!! I know my codie genes are just scintillating at the thought of how your friends are rising to the occasion! (This is not to say they are codies, just that we codies are all probably cheering for them, behind the scenes, vicariously, here!)
Hugs to you,
CLMI
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I was so happy to hear you were safe Tallulah! Nobody deserves to go through what you have. You're are blessed to have wonderful friends to help you.
Please take care of yourself
Laurie
Please take care of yourself
Laurie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
You are safe, that is the most important thing, I agree.
Please stay well and reach out for all the support you can get. It will be so crucial right now for you. One time when I left AH, I went to a women's shelter for about 6 weeks. I was kind of scared to go, but it turned out to be a very loving place with great women. There are always good people out there willing to help and provide when it's hard for you to do it for yourself.
We love you!! Stay in touch
Please stay well and reach out for all the support you can get. It will be so crucial right now for you. One time when I left AH, I went to a women's shelter for about 6 weeks. I was kind of scared to go, but it turned out to be a very loving place with great women. There are always good people out there willing to help and provide when it's hard for you to do it for yourself.
We love you!! Stay in touch
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Tallulah! Have only got to your posts and Dear Lord what a time you have had. Like others here, I was stunned and angry at you being booted out so quickly with nowhere to go, but then realised that your HP had that all sorted when you were welcomed by that wonderful couple. May God bless them abundantly for their care and help so freely and lovingly given.
Don't blame yourself for his infantile behavior, or accuse your "pressing his buttons". How the hell do any of us know what an A's buttons are, or which comment or action of ours will cause an explosion of anger. They change from day to day and often from drink to drink, and I doubt if the A knows what his buttons are.
I will up the ante on my prayers for you, that you may be healed of the injuries and free from the tantrums and dangers of your ex.
God bless
Don't blame yourself for his infantile behavior, or accuse your "pressing his buttons". How the hell do any of us know what an A's buttons are, or which comment or action of ours will cause an explosion of anger. They change from day to day and often from drink to drink, and I doubt if the A knows what his buttons are.
I will up the ante on my prayers for you, that you may be healed of the injuries and free from the tantrums and dangers of your ex.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Tallulah, I am so sorry to hear this. I hope your wounds heal quickly for you. If you need help or advice, you could freephone Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 at any time of the day or night. They have a lot of experience of helping women in your position and can assist with legal, housing and emotional support. I know a few women who have had cause to call on their services and have heard nothing but good things about how they can help.
Take care of yourself,
Mr B.
Take care of yourself,
Mr B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi All.. Thank you so much for your words and prayers.
Well. I was at the hospital again yesterday (I haven't been out of it much since this happened). I saw the scar from the operation for the first time. I immediately burst into tears. It is so much larger that the original wound. I burst into tears because I knew that I would have this scar for the rest of my life and a permanent physical reminder of him and what he did (not just that night but all of it). It made me cry. I felt a rush of emotions.
I saw the surgeon walking past me as I waited to see the hand therapist to have an immobilising splint fitted. He was very sweet and tried to explain what they had to do. He said the injury was bad, there was a lot of damage and they had to open up my thumb to repair it. One of the ligaments was severed along with the major muscle in my thumb. Also there was major damage to the joint, the capsule containing the fluid around the joint had been severed had to be repaired also.
As far as that injury is concerned I am to wear an immobilising splint for 6 weeks. Then I will undergo 6 weeks of physical therapy. I am not able to drive for at least 8 weeks (that will be reviewed after that time) and I will not be able to use my hand for normal function for at least 3 months.
Sometimes I think about how much worse it could have been and I count my blessings. My hand got injured protecting my face. If I hadn't had a split second reaction the damage would have been to the left side of my face and my left eye. So anytime I feel down I think of that and it brings me some consolation I suppose.
The police still haven't taken my statement. I went in yesterday to give it and they didn't 'have enough time'. But I hope to do it before his court date.
Before my hospital appointment my friend took me to a coffee shop to have something to eat (I'm not eating really). Someone behind me dropped a glass, it shattered and I jumped: my friend said that my face had panic written across it. The mental scars are there too. I now wonder how I will ever be able to trust again. I know that will take time and hope that that too will heal.
My stuff is still in that house and I am trying desperately to arrange (through the police) to get it out but I'm stymied at the moment. I spoke to someone at the police station but the arrangements have not yet been confirmed.
I believe I am being looked after and what is happening since the attack is the people around me (my earthly angels) caring for me and a HP making sure I'm safe. I am taking this one day at a time and trusting that it will all be ok. It's all I can do.
When this happened I thought it was my fault. My instinct was to protect him. I loved him and didn't want him to get into trouble. Like so many times I played down what happened. I suppose it was disbelief. I didn't want to think that he would walk over to a heavy glass, pick it up and throw it toward my head. I didn't want to think that someone who suposedly loved me or at least cared about me could do that. But I know that he did. I know because he has thrown stuff at me before: been physical with me before. Those times I was lucky.
I don't know how I feel about him right now. I am numb.
:ghug thank you all.. my SR family..
Well. I was at the hospital again yesterday (I haven't been out of it much since this happened). I saw the scar from the operation for the first time. I immediately burst into tears. It is so much larger that the original wound. I burst into tears because I knew that I would have this scar for the rest of my life and a permanent physical reminder of him and what he did (not just that night but all of it). It made me cry. I felt a rush of emotions.
I saw the surgeon walking past me as I waited to see the hand therapist to have an immobilising splint fitted. He was very sweet and tried to explain what they had to do. He said the injury was bad, there was a lot of damage and they had to open up my thumb to repair it. One of the ligaments was severed along with the major muscle in my thumb. Also there was major damage to the joint, the capsule containing the fluid around the joint had been severed had to be repaired also.
As far as that injury is concerned I am to wear an immobilising splint for 6 weeks. Then I will undergo 6 weeks of physical therapy. I am not able to drive for at least 8 weeks (that will be reviewed after that time) and I will not be able to use my hand for normal function for at least 3 months.
Sometimes I think about how much worse it could have been and I count my blessings. My hand got injured protecting my face. If I hadn't had a split second reaction the damage would have been to the left side of my face and my left eye. So anytime I feel down I think of that and it brings me some consolation I suppose.
The police still haven't taken my statement. I went in yesterday to give it and they didn't 'have enough time'. But I hope to do it before his court date.
Before my hospital appointment my friend took me to a coffee shop to have something to eat (I'm not eating really). Someone behind me dropped a glass, it shattered and I jumped: my friend said that my face had panic written across it. The mental scars are there too. I now wonder how I will ever be able to trust again. I know that will take time and hope that that too will heal.
My stuff is still in that house and I am trying desperately to arrange (through the police) to get it out but I'm stymied at the moment. I spoke to someone at the police station but the arrangements have not yet been confirmed.
I believe I am being looked after and what is happening since the attack is the people around me (my earthly angels) caring for me and a HP making sure I'm safe. I am taking this one day at a time and trusting that it will all be ok. It's all I can do.
When this happened I thought it was my fault. My instinct was to protect him. I loved him and didn't want him to get into trouble. Like so many times I played down what happened. I suppose it was disbelief. I didn't want to think that he would walk over to a heavy glass, pick it up and throw it toward my head. I didn't want to think that someone who suposedly loved me or at least cared about me could do that. But I know that he did. I know because he has thrown stuff at me before: been physical with me before. Those times I was lucky.
I don't know how I feel about him right now. I am numb.
:ghug thank you all.. my SR family..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by catlovermi 
Tallulah,
I had a pretty strong emotional response to your update; I felt a burning anger that you would be assaulted then they would release the assailant back home, and kick you to the streets with nowhere to go. I was grateful for the conditions they put on him to stay away from you, though.
I went away a few hours to let my reaction settle before responding (thank you, recovery work!!), and it has floated up what a blessing in disguise and work of your HP this appears to be.
If you had gone home and HE had been kicked out, you would be all alone, trying to cope. And fearful that he might return, and what he might do if so.
As it is, you have a safe, secure place to stay with two loving people to assist you and support you face to face.
I just see HP all over this...
And on the lighter side, NOTHING makes a codie feel more warm all over than to be asked by a person truly in need, who is truly grateful for help, and be able to help them. And it's not even enabling! LOL!! I know my codie genes are just scintillating at the thought of how your friends are rising to the occasion! (This is not to say they are codies, just that we codies are all probably cheering for them, behind the scenes, vicariously, here!)
Hugs to you,
CLMI
I had a pretty strong emotional response to your update; I felt a burning anger that you would be assaulted then they would release the assailant back home, and kick you to the streets with nowhere to go. I was grateful for the conditions they put on him to stay away from you, though.
I went away a few hours to let my reaction settle before responding (thank you, recovery work!!), and it has floated up what a blessing in disguise and work of your HP this appears to be.
If you had gone home and HE had been kicked out, you would be all alone, trying to cope. And fearful that he might return, and what he might do if so.
As it is, you have a safe, secure place to stay with two loving people to assist you and support you face to face.
I just see HP all over this...
And on the lighter side, NOTHING makes a codie feel more warm all over than to be asked by a person truly in need, who is truly grateful for help, and be able to help them. And it's not even enabling! LOL!! I know my codie genes are just scintillating at the thought of how your friends are rising to the occasion! (This is not to say they are codies, just that we codies are all probably cheering for them, behind the scenes, vicariously, here!)
Hugs to you,
CLMI
When I saw the surgery team at the appointment on Saturday morning the doctor said he was not happy that they didn't admit me straight away (when I was taken to the ER) and schedule me in for surgery that morning. But now, in hindsight, it was definately higher power at work. If they had done that I would have been released from hospital on Saturday evening having just undergone surgery and feeling the effects of general anaesthetic and morphine. I would have had just the clothes on my back, my phone would have been out of juice (with all my numbers in it) and no charger or anywhere to charge it and he would have been out and back at the house. I would have been in a very much worse off position.
At the time it was hard. But had it not happened that way it would have been much harder.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by tallulah
I now wonder how I will ever be able to trust again.
The great irony in all this is, after you come out the other side of healing, you will have the strongest trust, a type of trust you never otherwise might have grown: A trust in yourself, to listen to your own convictions and act in your own best interest.
Your HP has now immersed you in the middle of a healthy, functional, compassionate relationship between a man and woman. This gives you a great opportunity to see from the inside what a non-toxic, non-dysfunctional relationship looks like. And feels like. Your HP didn't just get you to anywhere; he also gave you living examples of what to look for, in a relationship.
Please remember that you can be a compassionate, loving human being and ALSO take actions (an accurate, detailed statement to police, at the very least) to allow your assailant to own the true consequences of his choices and actions. Those two things are not mutually exclusive, by any means. And realize also that you need not feel guilt as the emotions, particularly rage, eventually come and wash over you. It's a whole process to get through. I well remember my own process, how whiplashed I felt for many, many months, snapping between guilt and rage. I just held tight, and tried not to react, whenever I was at one end of the spectrum or the other. It didn't feel the crazy ride was ever going to end, but one day I looked back, quite far back, and realized just how much it had subsided, and how far I had come. I couldn't feel much difference from day to day.
Tell your friend that she's also getting hugs from all over the world, in support of her helping you out in your time of need, from those of us at SR.
I see a great deal of courage in how you are handling this. Courage... to.... change.
CLMI
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