SailorKaren

Was pressing his buttons a good idea? Perhaps not. But only because it is not a very effective strategy for you to get your needs and desires met. It does not justify his use of violence. EVER. So you pressed his buttons. He is responsible for handling his emotions like an adult. You did not deserve to be viciously attacked. His actions were those of a coward. His reaction was childish, immature, inappropriate, violent, and criminal. He belongs in jail. Nothing you say or do could ever justify being mistreated and attacked by a partner.

I'm so sorry you were hurt. Surgeons today can do some amazing things, and it wouldn't surprise me if your scars are minimal and your hand is repaired good as new. You've experienced emotional trauma too, and those wounds will perhaps take longer to heal. I think you'll get some huge support on this thread as we wake up and read it this morning. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing and how we can help.

Barbara52

I am so sorry this has happened. You will be in my prayers. I cannot imagine your pain, emotional and physical. Know that you have a lot of people caring and praying for you.

Try to shoot down that guilt that creeps in. It is unearned guilt. You are not responsible for his actions. He is the one who decided to commit a crime! That is what it is, a crime. Whatever happens to him is result of his choice to assault you and the consequences are well deserved.

As for worries about what happens when he gets out, can you get a restraining order to keep him away from you and your home?

CatsPajamas

Hugs to you. Today is the first day of your new life. Someday you will be able to look back on this incident and realize that it was the day you hit 'your bottom' and decided to make healthy changes in your life. I know what it feels like, it's scary to make those changes and step out into the unknown, but I PROMISE you it's no scarier than living the life you are currently living.

I will also promise you that there is a better life, and there is light and happiness to be had.

Hugs
Cats

Pelican

Hugs and prayers to you, t :ghug3

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please keep us posted as we care about you!

Try to sip a yogurt smoothie, or nibble some crackers. Take care of yourself physically, and we will be here to support you emotionally and spiritually.

JenT1968

I'm sorry pet,

none of this is your fault, concetrate on the healing, keeping safe and well, the decision to prosecute is taken out of the hands of the person who is attacked for all of the reasons given above.

Will they let you know before they release him? if not, I think somewhere else to stay is a good idea: you were moving out today before this weren't you: appreciate you can't load the van now, but can you still stay wherever you had lined up?

timetogo

Oh ((((((((((((((dear Tallulah)))))))))))))) -- I have tears for you as I read this. Please listen to what others have said -- no matter what buttons you push, violence should not be the result -- NOT EVER. Please don't ever hold blame for the actions of your A. That was his choice -- he chose to throw it, whether it was in anger or not -- he made his choice and now has to live with the consequences.

Please, please heed this as a warning sign. I work in domestic violence in Canada and it is similar here -- here you have no say as to whether they will charge him or not. And it can be a very dangerous time for a woman. If they release him, he could be either remorseful or very very angry. The majority of domestic homicides happen when women are leaving or have left. You are in danger -- take care of yourself. Don't worry about your "stuff". Hopefully the domestic violence worker will shed some light on how much danger you are in. Here, you can get a police escort to go into the home and remove your things. Stay with a friend or at a shelter -- please don't go near him alone.

Let us know what is happening -- we are all worried for you and want to know you are safe.
I'm thinking about you
Laurie

baileyboop

Sending you hugs cause I know you are in need of some right now...I just want to say that you can't push anyone's buttons...They are either in control of themselves or not...Sounds like he wasn't...I'm so sorry that this happened and I am going to pray that you get some peace about you in knowing that his being in jail is the best place he can be....I have been the recipient of violence myself(not from XAH-believe it or not), and I am very familiar with the feelings of shame, self-guilt, and just simply not wanting to deal with it feelings...I am thinking of you...

MissFixit

T,

I am so sorry this has happened to you. YOU DON'T deserve this and YOU did NOTHING to provoke physical violence. He is chronologically an adult, but no man at all. Please stay away from him.

I am unfamiliar with the UK legal system, but does the prosecutor or police contact you before he gets released? Could you ask that he saty in there for your own safety as your things are in the unit you share. The police must be able to assist you in this. Do you have anyone who you can spend the night with and help with the move. If your friends find out about this, they will likely want to help you get the hel out of there.

nowwhat

Oh my God. He could have blinded you!

I hope your guilt takes a backseat and YOUR anger can move you forward. You have every right to feel angry about this--but he does not.

Please stay safe.

queenteree

((((tallulah)))) I am so sorry this has happened to you. Actually, my heart breaks for you cause I can so understand how you keep thinking "how can my husband do this to me?" I, too, felt that way about 9 mos. ago when my husband spiraled out of control. Without going into it, I had him arrested. Yes, there was a brief moment of "guilt" after he was taken away by the police, but my son reminded me that I wasn't the one who caused this, but I can control how I react to it, which was having him arrested. I also got a restraining order (I don't know how it works in the UK) against him. It kept him away from our house. I had to be strong when he did come around and call the police, but at least I didn't have to leave my own home. Please, whatever you do, do not feel guilty. Nobody has the right to put their hands on you or throw stuff at you, no matter what. Stay strong, and remember, he did not care that he did this to you (no matter what he might say afterward), so why should you "care" what happens to him now. He should have thought about that before he hurt you. You are in my prayers. :praying

Richard54

From when I was a little boy, my parents drilled two things into my head.

One was the 'Golden Rule' - Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

The other was - Boys do not hit girls.

It does not matter if you somehow think you 'pushed his buttons', no man should act like he did.

It is in no way whatsoever your fault this man lost it and got violent.

A real man will never, ever, hit his woman or throw things at her, no matter what the circumstances, are or what 'buttons' are pushed.

He is dangerous, he has harmed, and scarred you and it is not your fault.

Leave him, forever.

I hope you are going to be ok...

ItsmeAlice

I'm at a loss. Why this? Why does it have to get worse? I'm so sorry.

You have been moving forward towards leaving and focusing on you. Please, Please, Please keep moving in that direction. Get some help with your things and make the move as soon as you humanly can.

My thoughts are with you today.
Alice

MissFixit

Please don't stick around to see if it happens again or "gets worse." My dear, it is already worse.

kj3880

Everyone always press the buttons of others--that is NO EXCUSE. As adults, we are responsible not to physically strike out at others just because they irritate us.

Think about a society where it would be permissable to physically assault others just because we felt they hurt our feelings. We learn not to do this as very young children-because it is morally, socially, and legally unacceptable.

People usually only break this social taboo in very specific circumstances, such as when they are very crazy/drunk and "out of control" or when they are alone with people who are physically weaker then they are and they feel the person won't press charges. Or both.

You know why? Because that is when they can get away with it. Unless you teach him that he won't get away with it, he will do it again. And it'll get worse. He might kill you next time.

Want to know what is probably next?

1. An apology. I love you baby. I'm so sorry. It'll never ever happen again. If you can ever forgive me, I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. There will be flowers and gifts involved. He'll promise never to drink again. To get help and counseling. This will always be put off for some reason.

2. Then he'll become increasingly agitated and you'll hear some verbal abuse and blame for his arrest. Unless he skips this step and goes straight to step 3:

3. Eventually, usually sooner rather than later, he'll drink again, and then the anger will come out and it'll be worse this time. Because he'll be angry about being arrested, too. Which is not your fault. HIS FAULT. But he'll blame it on you. And then he'll assault you again. Maybe fatally this time.

Suppose you went off on everyone who "pushes your buttons?" Would it be okay for you to strike the checkout girl who snaps who gum and cops an attitude? Beat your child with a stick for smarting off at you? Smash your car into the next person who cuts you off and gives you the finger? Shoot someone who one-ups you in a meeting at work?

These are all natural extensions of what can happen with this type of thinking. Putting his hands on you is crossing the line. What are you going to do to protect yourself and any children in your lives?

Love and concern,
KJ

laurie6781

(((((talluah)))))

First, I hope it goes well with the plastic surgeon this morning.

Even though you are in England, I do believe many of our laws were originally modelled after yours, and I am almost positive you can get a RESTRAINING ORDER, PROTECTION ORDER, whatever they call it on your side of the pond, he was arrested for assaulting you.

PLEASE, do not feel guilty about this. He is in jail as a result of HIS ACTIONS. Obviously he is escalating and it is time for you to get and stay away from him, or get the Court Order for him to stay away from you. If one of those pieces of glass had hit you in the neck and hit your cartoid artery you could have bled to death.

Sweetie, please be safe. Take care of you. Listen to the DV lady and get all the help you can.

Ihope you will give us a quick 'up date' on what the Dr says and then try and get some rest.

Love, hugs, and prayers winging their way across the pond to you.

Love and hugs,

Glenna9802

Where are you, T? I keep checking back to see.

blessed4x

It breaks my heart to see the pain.....physical, emotional, and even self-inflicted. Know that you are not alone, and that there are options to keep you safe. Many prayers for your healing sent.

ChangeIsHard

I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you right now. Though you might not know what the future has in store, you are not alone. There will always be people on this site to support you through horrible times like these.

MeHandle

So lets agree you pushed some buttons since you said you did. Okay, your not perfect. Like the rest of us here who are or have lived with an alcoholic spouse it is hard to live out our best behavior with them. Lets even go so far to say the obvious if you were button pushing, you 'got' a reaction.

How bad would the reaction have to be for you not to feel guilty he got arrested?

No matter how you answer the above question it doesn't matter in regards to him getting arrested. YOU did not call the police. The police system did their job and followed up because you were in a hospital emergency room with injuries that had to be explained. They arrested him and the 'system' worked. If he would have thrown the glass at you and it wouldn't have broke and cut you and you would have had no physical injures I am guessing you would not of called the police. So the 'system' of following up on illegal actions once there is evidence by injury reported by the procedure the hospital must follow takes away your control. They have removed your control over making a decision about what to do in regards to his behavior, they will. So why do you feel guilty for something you had no control over?

Button pushing does not = arrest.

Button pushing does demand a reaction. Reaction is a choice. I don't care if you got pissed and told him " Go ahead, throw a glass at me!" You would not be guilty that he would be stupid enough to do it or that his lose of control would lead to physical abusive behavior. You are not guilty for his arrest.

My prayers are with you and your doctors. My prayers are with you to have wisdom and peace in what follows.

Take care!!!!

love tammy

MissFixit

T,

How are you doing today?

One thought ocurred to me when reading this. If a total stranger threw a glass to you, would you feel guilty that he was arrested?

Miss