TakingCharge999

Just venting a lot today, thanks...
Feel free to chip in

Dear F:

I hope

/ your videogame Warhammer still gets stuck, and you need to restart your computer, and lose all your "points" and "weapons". I hope someone calls you a wimp for playing FEMALE characters!

/ they are only playing Dr House, Simpsons RERUNS.

/ your kidneys keep hurting from booze. you are 27, and your kidneys are already hurting?

/ your boss gives you a bad review this year again. and he fires you, leaving your place open to me, so i can study Networking security and flee to Australia, finally some place I WONT be running into you.

/ you are too drunk that you fall asleep before the act. it happened before. i know because i was there, and told your friends, who now call you "The Sleeping Beauty". Talk about turn offs.

/ someday you find yourself without booze or a friend or a girl to play around with, and you are FORCED to take a good look at yourself.

/ you feel the pain you have made others feel. Tenfold.

/ your Wonderful Blue Toyota Sport Matrix 2009 car is vandalized or stolen whoever has complimented you on it, is complimenting me, because I chose it for you!

ItsmeAlice

For mine...

/one day you wake up and find Budweiser has decided that fruity 1% alcohol by volume wine collers are such big sellers that they decide to convert all of their plants and produce them only in keg size. Can't wait to see you dragging three of those around like the shark barrels in JAWS.

/all your biggest idols who are insane drunken and drugged musicians and writers all get clean and decide to move in with you to torment you into sobriety. Those songs and drunken lymrics are all really gonna sound like crap without the booze. Trust me, I know.

/you forget where we live and end up wandering home to your mother permanently.

Thanks dreamer, I needed to let those out!

Midas

LOL!

/my ex looks up at a cloudless sky just in time to see a sky-writing plane spell out "...you should've married him when you had the perfect second chance..."

Barbara52

I think the worst I've ever wished for my xAH is that reality wake him up. It qualifies as an ill wish sorts since if it happens he is bound to feel pretty danged awful. But its always followed by a wish that it leads him to recovery.

I'm afraid this will come across the wrong way or as me claiming "better than you" status or something and I really don't mean anyone to take my words that way. Its just that since I reached a healthier state of mind I never wish ill for anyone (other than those who harm children or other helpless people). I cannot wish ill on someone, anyone without it reflecting right back at me and that's a reflection I personally do no want to see.

Midas

If anything, we should pray for those who have hurt us--albeit we often place ourselves in that position to be hurt to begin with.

prairiegirl

I agree with you Barbara52 that what we wish on others will be reflected back to us. But here's one anyway....I don't think it's too bad...

I wish for him that one day he wakes up and is able to give up his addiction and then realizes that I was the best thing that he ever had in his life and he lost me.

sailorjohn

Have done that a few times,but in the end I discovered I was using it to let myself off the hook. She didn't do anything to me, I gave her permission, in a sense, might even have been asking her to do it.

And I really wouldn't wish addiction on my worst enemy.

ItsmeAlice

While I wouldn't truly want anything cruel to befall any innocent person, I admit I have a rather vivid and snarky imagination.

My personal fantasy is that I awake from my horrible dream to find I am actually married to a George Clooney - esque millionaire waiting for me by the pool who wants to take me boat shopping because it's a Tuesday, and this whole time my ABF has actually been our dog's part-time pooper scooper.

Dare to dream...

Ago

Personally, for me, threads that just "bash" others make me feel I don't belong here, it happens organically here on occasion and that's bad enough, but to see it done here deliberately makes me feel sick to my stomach.

This is not recovery.

It's just not.

When I was involved with my "A" she would say stuff just like this to me and about me on a daily basis, and after we broke up, she escalated her bashing to a disgusting degree and called it "her recovery".

I called it "more of the same"

It's also referred to as "abuse"

She would say the most hurtful things imaginable, she accused me twice of molesting her daughter, and had to recant both times, so what you guys view as a harmless diversion I view as disgusting and dangerous and hurtful.

I am of the opinion that the way you behave after you break up with someone is a pretty good reflection of who you really are as a person, and a pretty good reflection of what you were like in a relationship.

Yeah, you are hurt, but this is what you look like hurt.

There is nothing "mock" about saying hurtful things, and I'm pretty sure there is no recovery in it either.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but that is my experience, and it's pretty recent, so personally, I find this thread unsettling and disturbing.

I will leave the field to more bashing now however, I have said my piece.

ItsmeAlice

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Some people look for a safe haven to let out the thoughts that plague them when they are angry, sad, frustrated etc.

They want to release those thoughts where people understand what that hurt can do to you and who know that none of us want the people we've loved and fought for all this time to suffer.

But then maybe some do and that's why this bothers you so.

I'm sorry you feel that way Ago.

I didn't take Dreamer's thread as anything but a vent to let go of her anger. I support her in that.

Ago

I understand "venting"

I'm OK with it

"I am angry"

"I am hurt"

"I am frustrated"

even "I want to kill that rat bastar.d because he:

Along with explanations these are all valid avenues of "venting"

I also understand "being abusive", and talking behind someone's back, and yes, "Abuse" is an absolute trigger for me, I don't understand abuse, I really don't, I don't understand how someone can be in a relationship with someone else and be so nasty and hurtful, if you dislike the person so much to treat them like that, if you hate them so much, why not just leave?

Why stay in a relationship where you just end up "punishing' the other person? and saying harmful and hurtful things?

Tonight Talulah just posted, she just got out of the hospital, because her BF threw a glass at her, she ended up in the hospital, she will need surgery, she says "I pushed his buttons"

Does that make his behavior OK? Is his behavior acceptable now, that we know that small bit of information?

To me unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior, no matter the provocation, and to me emotional abuse can be as harmful as physical abuse.

I would never belittle or make fun of my mate or an ex, I have said some pretty angry things about my ex, but they were all true, and I was trying to process my feelings around them, but spewing for the sake of spewing seems counter productive to me, and whenever I try to to do it in front of friends or a sponsor, I get brought up short quick, and the focus goes right back on me.

For me, showing a lack of respect to those around me, especially to someone I am involved with, shows I have no self respect, and have no self esteem, for two reasons, one, If I had a self esteem, I wouldn't be in a relationship with this person, and two, people with good self esteem have no reason to drag other people through the mud, especially the person we are having an intimate relationship with. If I were so angry as to treat someone that way, I would LEAVE.

Obviously we have differing ideas on whats not only acceptable behavior, but what's an acceptable situation to tolerate, and what we feel are acceptable ways to treat others that we are involved in a relationship with.

Fair enough, but to try to put it off on: "Take what you like and leave the rest" doesn't really work in this instance, because it doesn't apply to name calling, mud slinging, and abusive behavior to me, sorry, it just doesn't work that way.

That would be like if I called you "babe", or "sweetcheeks" then if you got offended I said "take what you like and leave the rest"

unacceptable is unacceptable to me. period.

I am here for recovery, I stand by my statement that mud-slinging for mud-slingings sake is not recovery.

bookwyrm

I agree to an extent. But (and you knew there was a but coming, right?) I think there is value in getting these mean, nasty, vindictive and vengeful thoughts out - I write them in my journal. Later, I go back an re-read what I've written and sometimes I don't recognise the person who had those thoughts! It shows me just how low I was, what sort of state I was in. It does highlight just how little self respect and self esteem I have/had. I make progress from there. Lets face it, if I had an ounce of self respect or self esteem I would never have stayed with my STBXAH for 18 years!

For me, Barbara's post shows where progress can take you. I was once obsessed by the same kind of thoughts that Dreamer was (and my mum still is!). But I worked on me and now I don't really want revenge. I occasionally wish he would just go away and I could finally be free. I can see just how sick he is right now and I wouldn't wish alcoholism on my own worst enemy.

So Ago, you are further ahead of us on the path to recovery - have a little patience for us who still struggle from time to time...

CatsPajamas

Good morning,

It's me, your friendly moderator. I can honestly see all sides of this debate. Here are a few things I'd ask you to keep in mind:

SR should be a safe place to vent your frustrations, but even though it feels private, it's still the internet and by its nature is public.

Each of us is at a different place in our recovery. Remember what it was like when you first got here.

As always, if a poster's posts make your teeth hurt, feel free to put that person on "ignore" for awhile.

Feel free to PM me if you have specific concerns.

Ago

Hey,

I wanted to apologize, my response was 'over the top"

Now you guys know what it looks like when I feel threatened

I am a bit over-sensitive to this issue for what should be obvious reasons now

Alice, I am very sorry, my second response was uncalled for.

hehe, thanks but it wasn't the fact I am so evolved that made me respond the way I did, thanks for chiming in and helping out fer sure

Anyhoo,

sorry to anyone I might have offended, and especially to Alice

MissFixit

Ago and Dreamer,

On bad days I scream at the top of my lungs mean words, names for my ex. However, I am alone in my apt (neighbors probably think I am crazy...they might be right). I don't say things in front of others for fear of the backlash and I worry too much about being a "lady" and protecting my reputation. But, the anger is still there sometimes. It ebbs and flows depending on what has happened in my life and how I am feeling.

Venting is a good way to channel negative negative energy if done in a safe setting, IMHO.

ItsmeAlice

Ago,
My friend you don't owe me an apology for your post. It was honest and passionate, and I want more of both in my life.

I added my darkest snarky thoughts about my ABF because I am not at a point in my recovery where those thoughts have stopped cropping up in my mind, and writing them down helps me to let them go like balloons on a windy day.

For what it's worth, I've never said them to my ABF or to anyone else for that matter. In fact, most times I have them I feel shame, guilt, and an overwhelming sense of self loathing for even thinking them.

You, and the experiences you bring to this forum, are part of my recovery. When I branch out into the bitter person that has grown inside of me from living with an alcoholic and I feel the urge to start spewing that venom you rise up and remind me that those feeling of guilt and shame are there for a reason.

This is what being with an alcoholic has done to me. You are right. This is how I have felt in my relationship. It has made me bitter and has made me hate myself for being that way. I'm trying to forgive myself and let the anger go at the same time, but I have to learn how to do that in a healthy way. Thank you for helping that process.

You made note of the fact that I still live with my ABF. That's right, I do. I am processing my feelings for him with my needs. I am trying to come to terms with the role I have played in my relationship, what boundaries are, and what I want for my life.

I am just now at the point where I am able to engage ABF in discussion beyond the weather without feeling small and broken and without lying awake ill-wishing about him.

I could very easily have taken your post personally and gotten turned inside out by it, and maybe others did, but instead I tried to give thoughtful time to your post.

This subject is a trigger of emotions for you, but I hope that at least in some way we all learned a little from it. I did.

I feel a group hug coming on!!! :ghug

Ago

Thank You very much for your thoughtful response

This thread was absolutely a learning experience for me

:ghug

Kimmieh

I tend to think that those negative thoughts are part of resisting being a codie. Wishing bad things on a loved one is probably the most out-of-character thing for someone who is codependent. I believe they are part of the healing process and necessary. What is one to do if they are THERE? I believe this is a good place to share them because people can relate, people might not feel so alone, and first of all, other people, like Barbara, can jump in and tell about their recovery from those thoughts and tell us that it will get better.

I remember that with my ex (not an addict, but mentally ill) who first cheated on me and then couldn't understand why I left, I went from terrible worry about him ("the poor man is MANIC, omg, I will tell him that I am here for him, never mind that he treated me like dirt) to anger ("I want his computer to break and see him cry over it!") to indifference. The anger, I will admit, was liberating for me. FINALLY I was not worried anymore. I wanted to tell him off instead of finding excuse after excuse to explain his mean behavior.

So while I think that at some point it's time to move beyond the anger, it is a part of the way. And I am sure these ladies won't get stuck in this stage.

good_luck

My remaining "revenge" fantasy.

Dear Ex,
I hope that someday I get a real apology from you, so that I can say something really bland (like "glad you are thinking about things differently.") and then walk away.

And universe? Can we make this happen on a day that I am not dressed like a maniac or wearing my hair all crazy? Thanks.

LucyA

I have no fantasies to wish anyone ill, mock ill or real ill.
I cursed my brother a million times in the last few years, and told him how bad I thought his choices were, I just wish I'd thought to tell him that no matter how much I cursed him I still loved him. All I know is he must have heard me and others say the bad, and rarely the good about him.

Maybe telling him wouldn't have done any good anyway.