Mock ill-wishing
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: still getting there
Posts: 33
A lot of times when someone has been hurt or wronged, it comes out in anger. Anger is basically a symptom of pain, at least initially.
I think we were only letting off steam here and we can take a joke.
I think we were only letting off steam here and we can take a joke.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Thanks Taking Charge, Great thread, was fun to reread it, you have come a LONG way. 
The thought manifests as the word.
The word manifests as the deed.
The deed develops into habit.
And the habit hardens into character.
So watch the thought and its ways with care.
This was the point I was trying to make earlier in this thread about "consequences" and "sowing what you reap"
It harms me to live in resentment, and it begins to color my reality. It changes who I am and ultimately changes the world in which I live and move in. Everything becomes colored by my interpretation of it. If I am happy, I live in a happy world, if I am unhappy, I live in an unhappy world. Liars believe everyone is lying to them etc.
I had a sponsor that "called me on it" every single time I "made fun of" or made a disparaging comment about somebody. He maintained that it "wasn't just in fun", and that it was harmful to me and those around me when I did this.
After many years of this man calling my behavior to this on a nearly daily basis, and having been in an abusive relationship, I now have re-evaluated my definition of "just joking". It took him many years of patiently bringing this to my attention before I "got it".
If it's at someone else's expense, it's not funny. If it tears someone else down, it's not funny. I am hypersensitive to this issue. mainly my own behavior, but to it, period. I never want to tear another human being down the way I was torn down....ever. Some of that "tearing down" took the guise of "humor". Jokes at my expense, cloaked in humor, that were really ways in which to tear my self esteem down.
There are things I don't do or allow in my life any more, even under the guise of "humor".
My support group and friends are merciless with me, but it's truly done with love, they may make fun of my behaviors, but they won't make fun of me. We howl with laughter as we knock each other down and laugh at our own and each others character defects.
Some "jokes" just aren't funny though, and that is a common ploy of abusers to say "Why are you so upset, I was just joking, don't be so sensitive", it was a way to "minimize" the abuse.
So now I ask, what is the motive behind "the humor"
Is it to build myself up by tearing this other person down? Or is there true love behind my humor?
I ask myself the same question at humor directed at me.
If it's not coming from a loving place, I don't stay around to hear the punchline any more.
So, I repeat
The thought manifests as the word.
The word manifests as the deed.
The deed develops into habit.
And the habit hardens into character.
So watch the thought and its ways with care.
The thought manifests as the word.
The word manifests as the deed.
The deed develops into habit.
And the habit hardens into character.
So watch the thought and its ways with care.
This was the point I was trying to make earlier in this thread about "consequences" and "sowing what you reap"
It harms me to live in resentment, and it begins to color my reality. It changes who I am and ultimately changes the world in which I live and move in. Everything becomes colored by my interpretation of it. If I am happy, I live in a happy world, if I am unhappy, I live in an unhappy world. Liars believe everyone is lying to them etc.
I think we were only letting off steam here and we can take a joke.
An emotional abuser may make fun of his partner, or make subtle or not-so-subtle disparaging remarks about her while with other friends, and encourage the friends to make disparaging remarks. He will then be sure to tell her about the jokes they made and act surprised when she doesn't find them "funny". He may even tell her that she is overreacting and that it was "all in fun" and that no harm was meant by the "joking".
After many years of this man calling my behavior to this on a nearly daily basis, and having been in an abusive relationship, I now have re-evaluated my definition of "just joking". It took him many years of patiently bringing this to my attention before I "got it".
If it's at someone else's expense, it's not funny. If it tears someone else down, it's not funny. I am hypersensitive to this issue. mainly my own behavior, but to it, period. I never want to tear another human being down the way I was torn down....ever. Some of that "tearing down" took the guise of "humor". Jokes at my expense, cloaked in humor, that were really ways in which to tear my self esteem down.
There are things I don't do or allow in my life any more, even under the guise of "humor".
My support group and friends are merciless with me, but it's truly done with love, they may make fun of my behaviors, but they won't make fun of me. We howl with laughter as we knock each other down and laugh at our own and each others character defects.
Some "jokes" just aren't funny though, and that is a common ploy of abusers to say "Why are you so upset, I was just joking, don't be so sensitive", it was a way to "minimize" the abuse.
So now I ask, what is the motive behind "the humor"
Is it to build myself up by tearing this other person down? Or is there true love behind my humor?
I ask myself the same question at humor directed at me.
If it's not coming from a loving place, I don't stay around to hear the punchline any more.
So, I repeat
The thought manifests as the word.
The word manifests as the deed.
The deed develops into habit.
And the habit hardens into character.
So watch the thought and its ways with care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 63
I said Thanks to TakingCharge999 because......
None of these wishes are being said to the one(s) we are talking about.
It helps to get the gripes off one's chest once in awhile.
I've seen comments at other sites, on unrelated subjects, where a blogger started the same type idea (only calling it something much more blunt) to give everyone a chance to blast a gripe at whatever had them angry or upset about.
They (and I) blasted away at mostly incompetence in the workplace or when someone hired to do something totally screws it up.....and some at neighbors.
A way to say things you could never say to their faces.....but they have you so frustrated and ANGRY.....you're sometimes thinking those things.
For my mock ill-wishing.
I wish, just once after my AH has gone to bed, that disgusting spit cup of his (he uses Copenhagen) would get knocked over by the cat...right Onto his keyboard.
I have a laptop in another room.....won't inconvenience me one bit.....but would totally gross him out.....
LOL
Here's a serious one.
I wish that he could remember in excrutiating detail the pain he was in for over 12 hours after backfusion surgery.
He had driven home drunk again, fell asleep 3 miles from the house, totaled his truck, and ended up getting 5 vertebrae fused in surgery 6 days later.......all because he just Had to drive drunk again.
The reason I wish he could be reminded of that pain is because he has driven himself home from the local VFW 9 times inebriated Since then.
I wish as soon as he would start to drive under the influence now, the memory of that pain would hit him.
He needs to remember what he put himself thru......and me as well, since seeing him in tears and out of his mind with the post-operative pain had me in tears as well.
I am 55 and I have Never seen anyone in that kind of pain ever.....before or since. The next morning the hospital staff said they had given him enough pain killers to drop a horse, and it didn't touch it.
The Morphine injected in his IV may as well have been water.
A pain management Dr. came to his room the next day and set up a schedule so the pain killers were spread out and he didn't go over an hour after that w/out a pain med.....(he was sent home after the 3rd day)
Things went a little easier after that but he told me about a month later that he was in so much pain the first week that he wasn't sure having the surgery was the right choice.
But he didn't really have a choice....he couldn't have healed without it.
(That was last September. His back is fine. He doesn't take any pain killers at all for it and had some of his Rx for pain left over when he decided to stop taking them late last October.)
Sorry about adding all the detail.....I kinda ramble...
Right now I can only think of one other which is I wish he could experience what it is like for me when he drinks and acts like a beligerent, know-it-all, self-centered, foul-mouthed, repulsive, delinquent drunk.
He should see himself and what a fool he makes of himself.
He's toxic to be around.
Ok...that's it for now.
It helps to get the gripes off one's chest once in awhile.
I've seen comments at other sites, on unrelated subjects, where a blogger started the same type idea (only calling it something much more blunt) to give everyone a chance to blast a gripe at whatever had them angry or upset about.
They (and I) blasted away at mostly incompetence in the workplace or when someone hired to do something totally screws it up.....and some at neighbors.
A way to say things you could never say to their faces.....but they have you so frustrated and ANGRY.....you're sometimes thinking those things.
For my mock ill-wishing.
I wish, just once after my AH has gone to bed, that disgusting spit cup of his (he uses Copenhagen) would get knocked over by the cat...right Onto his keyboard.
I have a laptop in another room.....won't inconvenience me one bit.....but would totally gross him out.....
LOL
Here's a serious one.
I wish that he could remember in excrutiating detail the pain he was in for over 12 hours after backfusion surgery.
He had driven home drunk again, fell asleep 3 miles from the house, totaled his truck, and ended up getting 5 vertebrae fused in surgery 6 days later.......all because he just Had to drive drunk again.
The reason I wish he could be reminded of that pain is because he has driven himself home from the local VFW 9 times inebriated Since then.
I wish as soon as he would start to drive under the influence now, the memory of that pain would hit him.
He needs to remember what he put himself thru......and me as well, since seeing him in tears and out of his mind with the post-operative pain had me in tears as well.
I am 55 and I have Never seen anyone in that kind of pain ever.....before or since. The next morning the hospital staff said they had given him enough pain killers to drop a horse, and it didn't touch it.
The Morphine injected in his IV may as well have been water.
A pain management Dr. came to his room the next day and set up a schedule so the pain killers were spread out and he didn't go over an hour after that w/out a pain med.....(he was sent home after the 3rd day)
Things went a little easier after that but he told me about a month later that he was in so much pain the first week that he wasn't sure having the surgery was the right choice.
But he didn't really have a choice....he couldn't have healed without it.
(That was last September. His back is fine. He doesn't take any pain killers at all for it and had some of his Rx for pain left over when he decided to stop taking them late last October.)
Sorry about adding all the detail.....I kinda ramble...
Right now I can only think of one other which is I wish he could experience what it is like for me when he drinks and acts like a beligerent, know-it-all, self-centered, foul-mouthed, repulsive, delinquent drunk.
He should see himself and what a fool he makes of himself.
He's toxic to be around.
Ok...that's it for now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
twistedruby,
I still get a lot out of this thread.
I have benefited quite a bit from being able to release some of those angry thoughts via the forum, journalling, writing letters I never mail, and word association exercises to make that change happen all the while never spitting that venom at my ABF. Part of my own recovery has been to try to change the angry thoughts I have of him into more productive thinking.
I still have nights where I cannot believe his behavior. I still feel the need to rant and rave and name call sometimes, but I have noticed that these spells are shorter in duration and focus more quickly on what I can do to feel better that is a positive rather than a negative. This has applied to aspects of my life, work, etc.
Glad you got those things off your mind today, now there's room for some happy thoughts about you!!!
Smile
Alice
I still get a lot out of this thread.
I have benefited quite a bit from being able to release some of those angry thoughts via the forum, journalling, writing letters I never mail, and word association exercises to make that change happen all the while never spitting that venom at my ABF. Part of my own recovery has been to try to change the angry thoughts I have of him into more productive thinking.
I still have nights where I cannot believe his behavior. I still feel the need to rant and rave and name call sometimes, but I have noticed that these spells are shorter in duration and focus more quickly on what I can do to feel better that is a positive rather than a negative. This has applied to aspects of my life, work, etc.
Glad you got those things off your mind today, now there's room for some happy thoughts about you!!!
Smile
Alice
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Anxiety is anger turned inward, sometimes you just gotta let it out. I married for life, I believed in my promise. Ago, you must have a lot more self esteem than I because you said you would just leave the relationship. I didn't see that as an option. I have to live with the fact that I raised my children to see an angry, depressed, bitter woman that sometimes went off on their dad and called him a jerk, loser, or any other name that came to mind. It was my horrible reaction to the horrible abuse he inflicted on me. I could have, should have made another choice. Maybe if I had just written ill wishes and then hit delete I would have gotten my anger out in less destructive ways.
I feel horribly guilty about the fleeting thought I had when my husband said,"I knew I either had to go to rehab or commit suicide." And for a second I wondered if he had made the wrong choice. Horrible, but, at the time and even now, he isn't drinking but he is still inflicting pain....even from his own apartment. Abandonment is not fun to deal with. Especially after 25 years. We don't always handle the pain in healthy ways, but I think that's why we are all here.
I feel horribly guilty about the fleeting thought I had when my husband said,"I knew I either had to go to rehab or commit suicide." And for a second I wondered if he had made the wrong choice. Horrible, but, at the time and even now, he isn't drinking but he is still inflicting pain....even from his own apartment. Abandonment is not fun to deal with. Especially after 25 years. We don't always handle the pain in healthy ways, but I think that's why we are all here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I read this thread today, and it was reassuring to know others have had the same type of feelings that I have had.
I've had more "ill wishes" on my XAH than I could ever begin to count. 27 years worth. OMG — and I find myself really angry at ME for all of those years wasted. Oh well. Water under the bridge. We hurt. Yes. It will lessen? Yes, in time.
Anger is an emotion better let out, because it festers if kept within. I try to let out a little every day if need be. It is no longer directed to my AH, as he's now my XAH. Funny to admit, but sometimes when I am alone and thinking, I just say outloud "oh, I hate you XAH, you S.O.B." Nobody is there to hear me, but it feels good to say it.
I've had more "ill wishes" on my XAH than I could ever begin to count. 27 years worth. OMG — and I find myself really angry at ME for all of those years wasted. Oh well. Water under the bridge. We hurt. Yes. It will lessen? Yes, in time.
Anger is an emotion better let out, because it festers if kept within. I try to let out a little every day if need be. It is no longer directed to my AH, as he's now my XAH. Funny to admit, but sometimes when I am alone and thinking, I just say outloud "oh, I hate you XAH, you S.O.B." Nobody is there to hear me, but it feels good to say it.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I read my first post and I still wish all those things, ughhh I am not proud to say that. I get some glimpses of real compassion now and then, but for the most part...
Its probably not so much an evil desire for things to go wrong with ex ABF but a NEED to have my own experience validated... I hope the feeling lessens as I learn to trust myself. But of course I will keep journaling, I just realized it I am still in desperate need to get my anger out.
I have so much to work on myself, that I am not sure if I get enough time on this earth to take all my inner trash out of my system!
No wonder we get sick, storing so many feelings inside
Its probably not so much an evil desire for things to go wrong with ex ABF but a NEED to have my own experience validated... I hope the feeling lessens as I learn to trust myself. But of course I will keep journaling, I just realized it I am still in desperate need to get my anger out.
I have so much to work on myself, that I am not sure if I get enough time on this earth to take all my inner trash out of my system!
No wonder we get sick, storing so many feelings inside
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 63
I've heard that depression is anger turned inward.
AH has a lot of depression, takes Effexor but it isn't working.
He says the Effexor helps prevent the anxiety/panic attacks.....but thinks he has a motivation problem and isn't depressed.
Huh ?
I had to tell him that virtually All people who are depressed have no motivation.
I've had experience with that myself before it was corrected by taking Synthroid years ago.
AH has a lot of anger at himself about bad choices he's made and losing his job over a technicality and not his fault. (2001)
He was there for 17 years.
The technicality has prevented or put on hold his getting disability payments because his status isn't retired, it's "suspended" or something weird like that. (started having bad knee problems and had surgery - Dr. told him not to run anymore, so he had to leave the Army Reserve...but related to that he also lost his full time civilian job with the Rerserve.)
They owe him now for 7 1/2 yrs. worth, but he won't pursue it....won't do anything to resolve it himself and I can't do it for him.
It's partly his refusal to do anything to help himself that is so foreign and infuriating to me.
They owe him and he does nothing about it.
We also would have Tri-Care health insurance if he would get this resolved, but again, does nothing.
He never wanted to talk to a counselor about losing his job so he could better manage his anger and depression.
He just caved in for a couple of years and literally did Nothing.
He needs AA AND an anger management course.
When he sees our primary physician, he tells him everything is alright...so nothing ever changes.
Sorry.....got going and couldn't stop....
Thanks for reading this far.
AH has a lot of depression, takes Effexor but it isn't working.
He says the Effexor helps prevent the anxiety/panic attacks.....but thinks he has a motivation problem and isn't depressed.
Huh ?
I had to tell him that virtually All people who are depressed have no motivation.
I've had experience with that myself before it was corrected by taking Synthroid years ago.
AH has a lot of anger at himself about bad choices he's made and losing his job over a technicality and not his fault. (2001)
He was there for 17 years.
The technicality has prevented or put on hold his getting disability payments because his status isn't retired, it's "suspended" or something weird like that. (started having bad knee problems and had surgery - Dr. told him not to run anymore, so he had to leave the Army Reserve...but related to that he also lost his full time civilian job with the Rerserve.)
They owe him now for 7 1/2 yrs. worth, but he won't pursue it....won't do anything to resolve it himself and I can't do it for him.
It's partly his refusal to do anything to help himself that is so foreign and infuriating to me.
They owe him and he does nothing about it.
We also would have Tri-Care health insurance if he would get this resolved, but again, does nothing.
He never wanted to talk to a counselor about losing his job so he could better manage his anger and depression.
He just caved in for a couple of years and literally did Nothing.
He needs AA AND an anger management course.
When he sees our primary physician, he tells him everything is alright...so nothing ever changes.
Sorry.....got going and couldn't stop....
Thanks for reading this far.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
Im new to this forum, but this very subject has been in my mind. In my dreams I imagine that my exAh is found washed up by the sea and the only thing I recognise is his hands...it is horrible and if something terrible happened to him I would have to grieve all over again and I dont ever want to do that. He can get on with his own life, I dont exactly want it to go well and I too want him to some day, maybe if he ever gets sober, to realise what he lost, but by then I will have moved on...but that the worst I wish of him...i did love him and still do, but hate his behaviour..I know hes not a happy man, even running after argentinian pole dancing divers!! not something I ever thought I would worry about,but yes, thats his latest middle aged hope..but its just ridiculous and part of his problem..I would rather be me than someone totally addicted to alcohol that they will change their whole life to be able to drink without anyone in their way...he really has been very irresponsible and very very selfish but its all about him..but as long as its all about him, he will never realise what hes done..so im going to wait for what goes round.....i wont be there for him ever but he has family who surely will, should he decide that there is more to life than oblivion.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I wish my XH would realize how much I loved him and that he would value it.
What has really happened is:
he blames me for every evil or wrong thing
He didn't know the water heater broke down....AND
it leaked until the floor rotted and it fell through AND
he now has a ghastly electric and water bill to pay.
And he says he hates me and that I am a blight to humanity.
And I have only heard from him twice in the last months.
I think I have put a stop to hearing any more.
What has really happened is:
he blames me for every evil or wrong thing
He didn't know the water heater broke down....AND
it leaked until the floor rotted and it fell through AND
he now has a ghastly electric and water bill to pay.
And he says he hates me and that I am a blight to humanity.
And I have only heard from him twice in the last months.
I think I have put a stop to hearing any more.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 5
Well I'm in a different place in my recovery. I'm still in the pyssed off stage. So here are mine:
/I hope you get a victimless duii one night because right now you are broke and neither I nor your enabling friends can/will bail you out, and you will be stuck to look at yourself. I hope no one else is around, just you and the cop, because you DO drive drunk, I just want you to get caught.
/I hope you wake up still smelling like booze and go to work (because you have to because you are broke and have no more "sick days" left) and get suspended.
/I hope that your bank account, along with those of your rotten enabling friends says "$0" so NO ONE can get you booze, because I won't, either. What, no gas money? More like booze money! Can't get to work? Bummer. Trade in your beer cans and take the frigging bus.
/I hope you DO get garnished! I can't help you.
/I hope you drink one too many in front of my dad and make an azz out of yourself, because I won't hide it for you.
Done.
/I hope you get a victimless duii one night because right now you are broke and neither I nor your enabling friends can/will bail you out, and you will be stuck to look at yourself. I hope no one else is around, just you and the cop, because you DO drive drunk, I just want you to get caught.
/I hope you wake up still smelling like booze and go to work (because you have to because you are broke and have no more "sick days" left) and get suspended.
/I hope that your bank account, along with those of your rotten enabling friends says "$0" so NO ONE can get you booze, because I won't, either. What, no gas money? More like booze money! Can't get to work? Bummer. Trade in your beer cans and take the frigging bus.
/I hope you DO get garnished! I can't help you.
/I hope you drink one too many in front of my dad and make an azz out of yourself, because I won't hide it for you.
Done.
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