Hello
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: It's a Dry Heat, AZ.
Posts: 438
Welcome, LSB. If it makes him uncomfortable, or "triggers" him, quitting may not be a bad idea. Talk to him about it. If he's working a strong program, it may not bother him at all if you drink.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 48
No I never flat out asked him because his job was being a bartender and he also suggested for me to get a drink once, so just by that I figured it was OK. Looking back I wish I didn't now because I ended up getting really drunk and acting stupid. He worries and gets jealous when I go out. And to be honest I can see why, so that is why I want to stop. I don't want to do something I regret.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Then do it for you, not for him. If you think it's important.
You might ask him how he feels - ask about his fears and worries - and factor that into your own decision, but the ultimate judge is you.
It's a really personal decision whether to drink around an alcoholic or not, but it's one you might think about from the perspective of "what's best for my life and my happiness?" (as opposed to what you "should" do "for him") If he's a bartender, I'm sure he sees people drink all the time. But if he's seeing cause for worry when you go out, you may want to take a look at your behavior when you're drunk and see what you think about that....you may be fine and he may be just jealous, but on the other hand, it may be something you want to change (for example, if the situation were reversed, would you be upset if HE did these same things? are you dishonorable, dishonest, or out of control?) Only you can know what kind of person you want to be. Good luck!
You might ask him how he feels - ask about his fears and worries - and factor that into your own decision, but the ultimate judge is you.
It's a really personal decision whether to drink around an alcoholic or not, but it's one you might think about from the perspective of "what's best for my life and my happiness?" (as opposed to what you "should" do "for him") If he's a bartender, I'm sure he sees people drink all the time. But if he's seeing cause for worry when you go out, you may want to take a look at your behavior when you're drunk and see what you think about that....you may be fine and he may be just jealous, but on the other hand, it may be something you want to change (for example, if the situation were reversed, would you be upset if HE did these same things? are you dishonorable, dishonest, or out of control?) Only you can know what kind of person you want to be. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Interesting thread
very interesting responses
For me, I got sober because I had a drinking problem, not anyone else. I also bartended in sobriety.
I could care less about other peoples drinking when I drank, and I found other peoples drinking even less interesting after I got sober.
If you are worried about drinking in front of him, the thing to do, as suggested, is just ask him how he feels about it.
If we, as sober alcoholics, start dating someone who drinks, we realize...they drink, that's part of dating someone that drinks.
I can see why he would get "worried and jealous" too when you go out though, if you don't trust yourself when you are drinking:
I can see why he might have some difficulty with it.
I would have been interested in seeing the responses had he been the one to post here. I suspect that they would have had a distinctively different tone and flavor.
very interesting responses
For me, I got sober because I had a drinking problem, not anyone else. I also bartended in sobriety.
I could care less about other peoples drinking when I drank, and I found other peoples drinking even less interesting after I got sober.
If you are worried about drinking in front of him, the thing to do, as suggested, is just ask him how he feels about it.
If we, as sober alcoholics, start dating someone who drinks, we realize...they drink, that's part of dating someone that drinks.
Looking back I wish I didn't now because I ended up getting really drunk and acting stupid. He worries and gets jealous when I go out. And to be honest I can see why
that is why I want to stop. I don't want to do something I regret
I would have been interested in seeing the responses had he been the one to post here. I suspect that they would have had a distinctively different tone and flavor.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I would speak to him. Just as you have done here.
It was a conversation I had when me and A got together. I was willing not to drink around him. His response was that it didn't bother him. That he was an A (wet or dry) and me having a glass of wine or whatever made no difference to that: even if I never touched another drop of alcohol again he will still have the opportunity to pick up a drink if he wanted and he would still be an alcoholic.
Your boyfriend may be different, but will you need to talk to him to find out.
Good luck.. x
:ghug
It was a conversation I had when me and A got together. I was willing not to drink around him. His response was that it didn't bother him. That he was an A (wet or dry) and me having a glass of wine or whatever made no difference to that: even if I never touched another drop of alcohol again he will still have the opportunity to pick up a drink if he wanted and he would still be an alcoholic.
Your boyfriend may be different, but will you need to talk to him to find out.
Good luck.. x
:ghug
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
wellll......
first of all, I would say do you want to stop drinking????
If you do, then stop, job done, you can tell him about it etc.
I would have thought that he's a grown man, he's not made of glass, one conversation or one episade of a drunk girlfriend isn't going to break him, you've been with him for 5 months, he knows you drink, he hasn't broached the subject by saying, "I feel uncomfortable when people I am intimate with drink around me, I feel triggered could we discuss this?" or similar,
My guess is then that he doesn't have a problem with it.
but you are on a forum, asking a bunch of people who have never met him what he might be thinking? If you want to know what he feels, then ask him.
but the fact that you are trying to work out what he might be thinking and how you can change your behaviour to stop him thinking this way and therefore thinking less of you (if he does) suggests you might benefit from AL-anon? I often used to think like this about other people, trying to guess what they needed and try to bend in order to give it to them, I think its why I find groups so difficult: so many directions to bend in at once! I think like this less now.
As for your behaviour when drunk and his worries about that, you'll have to look at that honestly yourself. My A occaisionally gets worried because he is insecure (examples of the "cause" I have given him for thinking this are... he had A DREAM that I was unfaithful, he found a top that didn't belong to him in our house - one that he had borrowed when drunk and couldn't remember until the guy asked him for it back....). So could be that or could be well-grounded concern because of a number of incidents where you have got yourself into trouble?
perhaps counselling or Al-anon would help you work through that?
I would hope that I wouldn't be worried about having this sort of honest dialogue with my partner, and if I was having communication problems like this (who am I kidding? IF? LOL) then NEXT time (when I practice what I preach)(note tense change) I will assess how healthy the relationship is...
good luck and thanks for posting here. Keep coming back, I have found it very useful
Ago: well yes, there would have been a different flavour, this poster is here asking if she should change her culturally acceptable, non-abusive behaviour to suit her perceptions of someone elses desires. If her SO had posted to ask if someone else should change their culturally acceptable, non-abusive behaviour because of his desires. that IS different? no?
first of all, I would say do you want to stop drinking????
If you do, then stop, job done, you can tell him about it etc.
I would have thought that he's a grown man, he's not made of glass, one conversation or one episade of a drunk girlfriend isn't going to break him, you've been with him for 5 months, he knows you drink, he hasn't broached the subject by saying, "I feel uncomfortable when people I am intimate with drink around me, I feel triggered could we discuss this?" or similar,
My guess is then that he doesn't have a problem with it.
but you are on a forum, asking a bunch of people who have never met him what he might be thinking? If you want to know what he feels, then ask him.
but the fact that you are trying to work out what he might be thinking and how you can change your behaviour to stop him thinking this way and therefore thinking less of you (if he does) suggests you might benefit from AL-anon? I often used to think like this about other people, trying to guess what they needed and try to bend in order to give it to them, I think its why I find groups so difficult: so many directions to bend in at once! I think like this less now.
As for your behaviour when drunk and his worries about that, you'll have to look at that honestly yourself. My A occaisionally gets worried because he is insecure (examples of the "cause" I have given him for thinking this are... he had A DREAM that I was unfaithful, he found a top that didn't belong to him in our house - one that he had borrowed when drunk and couldn't remember until the guy asked him for it back....). So could be that or could be well-grounded concern because of a number of incidents where you have got yourself into trouble?
perhaps counselling or Al-anon would help you work through that?
I would hope that I wouldn't be worried about having this sort of honest dialogue with my partner, and if I was having communication problems like this (who am I kidding? IF? LOL) then NEXT time (when I practice what I preach)(note tense change) I will assess how healthy the relationship is...
good luck and thanks for posting here. Keep coming back, I have found it very useful
I would have been interested in seeing the responses had he been the one to post here. I suspect that they would have had a distinctively different tone and flavor.
Ago: well yes, there would have been a different flavour, this poster is here asking if she should change her culturally acceptable, non-abusive behaviour to suit her perceptions of someone elses desires. If her SO had posted to ask if someone else should change their culturally acceptable, non-abusive behaviour because of his desires. that IS different? no?
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Hi lsb -- welcome to SR!
My AH and I have been together since 16 years of age and our lives at that time were, what I thought, pretty normal. We drank together and had many many sober fun times as well.
As we got older (I'm 43 now and we have recently separated), I grew up and became more of a "normal" adult drinker (a couple of glasses of wine with dinner) while he never did "grow up". He couldn't just have one and stop. He has numerous dui charges because he couldn't control his consumption. His disease progressed. He did "quit" drinking a few times but never really worked any type of program or got any type of support. He would tell me it didn't bother him if I had a drink (he would actually encourage me some times). But it would come up later in arguments or just out of the blue. I know it really did bother him that he couldn't drink like a grown up.
But I do agree with the others. Ask him -- talk to him about it. If you second guess what he is feeling, you are doing simply that -- guessing.
good luck!
Laurie
My AH and I have been together since 16 years of age and our lives at that time were, what I thought, pretty normal. We drank together and had many many sober fun times as well.
As we got older (I'm 43 now and we have recently separated), I grew up and became more of a "normal" adult drinker (a couple of glasses of wine with dinner) while he never did "grow up". He couldn't just have one and stop. He has numerous dui charges because he couldn't control his consumption. His disease progressed. He did "quit" drinking a few times but never really worked any type of program or got any type of support. He would tell me it didn't bother him if I had a drink (he would actually encourage me some times). But it would come up later in arguments or just out of the blue. I know it really did bother him that he couldn't drink like a grown up.
But I do agree with the others. Ask him -- talk to him about it. If you second guess what he is feeling, you are doing simply that -- guessing.
good luck!
Laurie
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