If it walks like a duck...
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Location: Arlington, VA
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Originally Posted by tallulah 
I have received a text from him. 'Sorry for getting angry at you'. I received it about 4 hours ago.
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Originally Posted by Barbara52
Well, heck that makes every ok now, right? I'm sure he is thinking along those lines.
LOL... that crossed my mind.
When I read it I thought.. hmmm.. sorry for getting angry AT YOU. I saw more misdirection. Maybe I could use one of his best loved phrases at this point.. he just doesn't get it does he.. I didn't do anything wrong.
At this point I would probably have sent 'Ok'. To which he would have texted 'Are you ok?'. To which I would have once again responded.
Played the tape through all the way this time. Not worth it.
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Originally Posted by tallulah
Cue his arrival home. I was having a bad moment. Nothing to do with him just feeling a little overwhelmed at the amount to do and the tight schedule I am on with moving my stuff out. I'd been in the attic and was sat on the floor when he got back having a little weep. I'm actually enjoying crying having bottled for so long. So he comes over to me hugs me and says what's wrong and I said nothing just having a moment and feeling a bit pee'd off with myself for not sorting my stuff out last year. He asked me if I wanted a hug and I said no.
Anyway he went into another room and sat down to watch t.v.
I gathered myself together after a little while and walked into the room he was in. I got the usual 'you ok' and I said, 'not really no' to which he replied he doesn't like to see me upset.
Anyway he went into another room and sat down to watch t.v.
I gathered myself together after a little while and walked into the room he was in. I got the usual 'you ok' and I said, 'not really no' to which he replied he doesn't like to see me upset.
Originally Posted by tallulah
Now I'm not sure how the hell we got to this but then he is:
berating me for not having got my stuff sorted sooner (yep, I am psychic and know exactly when someone is going to say the relationship is over);
berating me for not reserving the correct size of storage unit for my stuff (errrrr that's my problem and not insurmountable);
berating me for wanting to move out as soon as possible;
berating me because the way our split is going is not as 'amicable' and 'friendly' as his friends divorce (they stayed in the same place for months don't you know and acted like adults AND they are still friends now);
berating me because he thinks he should take tomorrow off work and help me sort my stuff out for removal (even though he will be zero help because he has no idea what I would keep or throw away);
berating me because I said I had progressively been sad, withdrawn and with very low self esteem this last year (he even said to me 'have you ever suffered from depression and have you had any prolonged periods of absence from work before
and the best one... saying I have never heard you call your brothers.. why.. why do you live in isolation.. (it doesn't occur to him that I may speak to my brothers, who live quite some distance from me, when he isn't around)... incidently he speaks to his sister who lives about 10/15 miles away once or twice a year at best..
berating me for not having got my stuff sorted sooner (yep, I am psychic and know exactly when someone is going to say the relationship is over);
berating me for not reserving the correct size of storage unit for my stuff (errrrr that's my problem and not insurmountable);
berating me for wanting to move out as soon as possible;
berating me because the way our split is going is not as 'amicable' and 'friendly' as his friends divorce (they stayed in the same place for months don't you know and acted like adults AND they are still friends now);
berating me because he thinks he should take tomorrow off work and help me sort my stuff out for removal (even though he will be zero help because he has no idea what I would keep or throw away);
berating me because I said I had progressively been sad, withdrawn and with very low self esteem this last year (he even said to me 'have you ever suffered from depression and have you had any prolonged periods of absence from work before
and the best one... saying I have never heard you call your brothers.. why.. why do you live in isolation.. (it doesn't occur to him that I may speak to my brothers, who live quite some distance from me, when he isn't around)... incidently he speaks to his sister who lives about 10/15 miles away once or twice a year at best..
Originally Posted by tallulah
Then came the anger. Out of nowhere. His eyes went as black as coal and he said 'I..don't..want..to..talk..to..you'. I asked why he was so angry and after much blustering I left to go back up into the attic and he actually put on his coat got in his car and drove off.
I was up in the attic when he got back. He made himself some food and eventually I came down. I walked into the room and after a little while said 'do you want to tell me why you are so angry with me?'. Again he said 'I don't want to talk to you you just don't get it do you'.
Well.. I'm not proud of this but I very nearly told him EXACTLY what I thought of him. It's funny how, when you're not in a funk, you can see how things are and recognise someone stomping all over you trying to gain control.
Instead, I got my coat and bag and went out. As I was coming down the stairs he said... and omg I nearly laughed.. 'Where are you going you don't have to leave'.
My reply? 'Yes I do have to leave. I am going to call someone from my group and tell them exactly how I feel right now.. and that is around you I do not feel safe'.
Which I did. I had a nice long chat with someone from my group and felt much better. Some wise words and good advice.
On my return, the A had gone to bed (open door and watching a dvd). I advised him that I am not responsible for his anger, that if he is unable to articulate his feelings that is fine but it is unacceptable for him to take it out on me and that from here on in we can exchange pleasantries but I will not accept being verbally attacked. His response... I don't want to talk about it or to you, I want some time on my own to relax.
He is going to make it awfully easy for me to go no contact if he keeps this up.
I was up in the attic when he got back. He made himself some food and eventually I came down. I walked into the room and after a little while said 'do you want to tell me why you are so angry with me?'. Again he said 'I don't want to talk to you you just don't get it do you'.
Well.. I'm not proud of this but I very nearly told him EXACTLY what I thought of him. It's funny how, when you're not in a funk, you can see how things are and recognise someone stomping all over you trying to gain control.
Instead, I got my coat and bag and went out. As I was coming down the stairs he said... and omg I nearly laughed.. 'Where are you going you don't have to leave'.
My reply? 'Yes I do have to leave. I am going to call someone from my group and tell them exactly how I feel right now.. and that is around you I do not feel safe'.
Which I did. I had a nice long chat with someone from my group and felt much better. Some wise words and good advice.
On my return, the A had gone to bed (open door and watching a dvd). I advised him that I am not responsible for his anger, that if he is unable to articulate his feelings that is fine but it is unacceptable for him to take it out on me and that from here on in we can exchange pleasantries but I will not accept being verbally attacked. His response... I don't want to talk about it or to you, I want some time on my own to relax.
He is going to make it awfully easy for me to go no contact if he keeps this up.
I am not saying I think you're wrong in how you felt, I'm only bringing these things up because I believe we must take responsibility for the part we play in situations. And sometimes we are a bit clouded by anger, resentment, etc. that we only see the part the "other person" played. Like I said, this is just my opinion, take what you like and leave the rest. I wish you well, and much peace.
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thanks for your reply queenteree
The first part you quoted was just imparting information. I made no judgement. Back story to the main event if you will.
The second part you quoted. I hear ya. At the time I posted I had no idea how the hell he got so angry. Now I do. What I forgot to post was how he was saying things like, 'You're being stupid', 'Who do I have to call to talk some sense into you' and then listing a whole lot of people he was going to ring.. an Al-Anon fellow, my brothers, even his own parents to make me see 'sense'. I am not imagining him speaking to me like an idiot/drama queen/piece of crap. I am not imagining his tone. He got himself angry. I wasn’t doing it the way he wanted: the way he knew best. Now that could be for a number of reasons. But I can’t talk about his anger and the reasons if he doesn’t. And I am not responsible for how HE responds.
I understand what you are saying but his suggestion that I have to accept him helping me pick and choose what I leave with (stuff that is mine and I brought here) when I know he can't and in fact should not... that if I do not comply to his wishes or what he thinks is best for me (if I do not accept what he sees as ‘help’) I am in some way in need of having 'sense' talked into me... that if I do not comply I am to be told exactly what he thinks is wrong with me to the point of bringing my relationship with my family and my mental health into it and take it and say 'yes, dear you're absolutely right'... is wrong wrong wrong.
I am willing to accept my part and always have. I am also willing to accept when I have been a little defensive. But interestingly another of his criticisms was that he couldn't say anything to me because I would take it personally. Well I'm not sure how you are supposed to take someone calling you a liar, pathetic, annoying, mentally ill, drama queen, stupid. Admittedly it is better than previously in our relationship when I have had wh*re, b*tch etc. thrown in the mix, but to me they are berating someone.
The third part you quoted. Well again I hear ya. But by this time I had removed myself from the situation and climbed a ladder into the loft. He may have needed some fresh air. Who knows. And yes it is better than him hitting me or punching holes in the wall/doors so yes an improvement.
I did not speak to him straight away. My expectation of him? To talk to me with some respect and to be able to have an adult conversation and if he is angry about something to say what it is and not lash out. Or if he is unable to, remove himself from the situation and stay removed until he has calmed down. Maybe it is an unrealistic expectation but so is expecting a person to accept verbal attacks.
Thank you for your good wishes.. and I appreciate your opinion :ghug
The first part you quoted was just imparting information. I made no judgement. Back story to the main event if you will.
The second part you quoted. I hear ya. At the time I posted I had no idea how the hell he got so angry. Now I do. What I forgot to post was how he was saying things like, 'You're being stupid', 'Who do I have to call to talk some sense into you' and then listing a whole lot of people he was going to ring.. an Al-Anon fellow, my brothers, even his own parents to make me see 'sense'. I am not imagining him speaking to me like an idiot/drama queen/piece of crap. I am not imagining his tone. He got himself angry. I wasn’t doing it the way he wanted: the way he knew best. Now that could be for a number of reasons. But I can’t talk about his anger and the reasons if he doesn’t. And I am not responsible for how HE responds.
I understand what you are saying but his suggestion that I have to accept him helping me pick and choose what I leave with (stuff that is mine and I brought here) when I know he can't and in fact should not... that if I do not comply to his wishes or what he thinks is best for me (if I do not accept what he sees as ‘help’) I am in some way in need of having 'sense' talked into me... that if I do not comply I am to be told exactly what he thinks is wrong with me to the point of bringing my relationship with my family and my mental health into it and take it and say 'yes, dear you're absolutely right'... is wrong wrong wrong.
I am willing to accept my part and always have. I am also willing to accept when I have been a little defensive. But interestingly another of his criticisms was that he couldn't say anything to me because I would take it personally. Well I'm not sure how you are supposed to take someone calling you a liar, pathetic, annoying, mentally ill, drama queen, stupid. Admittedly it is better than previously in our relationship when I have had wh*re, b*tch etc. thrown in the mix, but to me they are berating someone.
The third part you quoted. Well again I hear ya. But by this time I had removed myself from the situation and climbed a ladder into the loft. He may have needed some fresh air. Who knows. And yes it is better than him hitting me or punching holes in the wall/doors so yes an improvement.
I did not speak to him straight away. My expectation of him? To talk to me with some respect and to be able to have an adult conversation and if he is angry about something to say what it is and not lash out. Or if he is unable to, remove himself from the situation and stay removed until he has calmed down. Maybe it is an unrealistic expectation but so is expecting a person to accept verbal attacks.
Thank you for your good wishes.. and I appreciate your opinion :ghug
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