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This is the email

Old 03-11-2009, 11:32 PM
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This is the email

This is the email where I somehow got sucked back in to my codie ways. I was shocked at how quickly it happened, I have been done! I left the state! And even felt hatred toward him just a few days before this email made me all weepy and sad and wishing it could have been different, etc. Can someone explain why this affects me so? Any other thoughts are appreciated.

I miss you more than I guess you know.

I didn’t sleep with her cuz I told her I simply couldn’t.

You have been my woman for so long I couldn’t do it. Its weird.

Its one of the things that broke us apart this last weekend.

Its weird and hard for me and she doesn’t understand…which I don’t expect her too.

I will end this with, I loved you more than life itself, as the man of the family I always did my best to do my job which was to provide. Im sorry I wasn’t emotionally available enough for you

I thought and dreamt that we would grow old together on our Island home between the other homes we bought together.…

So much for dreams and love.

Please relish in the fact that you have taken the breath

Out of my reason for being.
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Old 03-11-2009, 11:37 PM
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Wow, that would make ANYONE cave in!! What an awesome email.....too bad it was from I presume an A, so we know it's alot of quacking. But geez.......he really laid it on heavy!!

I'm struggling myself her with this codie thing, so don't really want to offer advise, but I'm sure others will come along shortly with valuable info.
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:00 AM
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Yeah unrepentant alcoholic addict and father of my children who i gave 15 years of my life to. I just wish i wish i wish.. you know the rest of the sentence, but I gave him all those years then left for what? To feel like this then go back and be miserable again? Nothing has changed, nothing will change until he admits it, takes some responsibility and does something about it, but he chooses drugs and alcohol over us and nothing has changed...

Thanks for your response
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Old 03-12-2009, 03:51 AM
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Gosh this is a MASTERCLASS of guilt and manipulation, I may ask your ex to write to my credit card companies for me.

If I had got this letter I might decode it in this way:

Originally Posted by sosickofcycle View Post

I miss you more than I guess you know.

I didn’t sleep with her cuz I told her I simply couldn’t.

You have been my woman for so long I couldn’t do it. Its weird.

Its one of the things that broke us apart this last weekend.

Its weird and hard for me and she doesn’t understand…which I don’t expect her too.

.
code for: I can and am having other women. They love me and want me and accept me just as I am, I am having to fight them off: see what you are missing? There's nothing wrong with me, must be you then huh?

Originally Posted by sosickofcycle View Post
I will end this with, I loved you more than life itself, as the man of the family I always did my best to do my job which was to provide. Im sorry I wasn’t emotionally available enough for you

I thought and dreamt that we would grow old together on our Island home between the other homes we bought together.…

.
code for: I absolutely did more than any man could be asked to do, but that wasn't enough for YOU was it, YOU are too needy.
I am "sorry" that you wanted more. (I am not sorry for anything I did or didn't do).

Originally Posted by sosickofcycle View Post
So much for dreams and love.

Please relish in the fact that you have taken the breath

Out of my reason for being.
you've ruined this wonderful marriage not me

what's more it's not only the marriage you've ruined, its my WHOLE LIFE TOO
none of it is my fault, plus you are a b**** who will laugh about all of this.

Just my (probably way too cynical) take on it, plus a few of the personal hooks that trigger me would be the "I'm very complex" bit (she doesn't understand but I don't expect her too).
and the whole "star-crossed lovers, meant to be together but forces of nature pull us apart" theme that weaves throughout the letter.

he gets to the very edge of sh**ing someone else, TELLS YOU about that and uses it as an example of the misery he is suffering because of you....

brilliant.
What are your triggers/hooks in this note?

I don't react well to this sort of thing though, and love poetry: I've never "got" that either.
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Old 03-12-2009, 04:12 AM
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Wow.. that's some blackmail note.

It's sent to make you feel sad, bad and reminded. It's sent to make him feel better. It's an invitation to dance.

I understand why it makes you feel wobbly. It was sent to do just that.

Question is though.. not why he has done that or his motives.. but how are you going to respond (not literally respond mind).
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Old 03-12-2009, 04:23 AM
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BRILLIANT Ceridwen!!!!!!

You nailed the translation perfectly! So true, so true... And you thought no one was as cynical as you! LOL I am right there with you!
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Old 03-12-2009, 04:53 AM
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What they said..........no personal responsibility for what happened, no clear vision of his own situation, no remorse for his part in all this...just him pushing the blame for his unhappiness onto you....just let it fall away!

Hugs! HG
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Old 03-12-2009, 05:29 AM
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So how many more years of your life do you want to emotionally give of yourself to this guy?
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Old 03-12-2009, 05:38 AM
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In a previous toxic relationship from my youth, I heard things like that! So manipulative, it's amazing how they take responsibility for nothing!! That relationship set the stage for my codie ways today; if only I'd had the interpretation then - instead I saw it as him 'needing me so bad' and it made me feel profoundly guilty!
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Old 03-12-2009, 05:51 AM
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Does he do any writing for soapies? He'd be a whiz writing for "Days of our Lives", or "The Young and the Restless" etc, after all he's been living in the delusional world of alcohol all this time.
It is almost impossible for him to cop the blame for "wrecking" his own marriage and life, and also for stuffing you and your family around for so many years. Much easier to dump it all on you, as you ride off into the sunset of your old life with him and face the sunrise of a new one full of promise.

Let Mr wimpy do his thing and quack to someone else.

God bless and stay strong.
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Old 03-12-2009, 06:04 AM
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That's something that my abf would write. As I was reading it, I was totally thinking of how I can see myself receiving a very similar letter after I've moved on. I'm grateful to you for posting this. The responses here are great and I'm going to print them out so I remember them for later.

Hang in there and stay strong. It's taken me a long time to figure out that the whole point in talk like that is to make YOU feel bad and make you feel like you were in the wrong. Just remember why you left and don't let him guilt you into feeling bad.
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Old 03-12-2009, 07:54 AM
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Thanks everyone for your posts on this, your reactions have truly shown me, once again, that I have done the right thing, you know then you guess, then you know again, then you guess, know what I mean? I realize he does not acknowledge that his problem has completely screwed up many areas of our lives, and I have been the one who picks up the pieces and re-weaves the threads left over trying to make a blanket. Finances are a big part of why I stayed for a long time too, so the homes we were going to buy part got me too, because I know I am giving up a lot financially. I don't know how to examine this thing like you guys have, so I am learning from you on this. I just appreciate so much that you all are here to help those of us who are new in recovery. It is really hard to say no to him, but he says no to me and my needs and always has. Anyway, I could go on feeling sorry for myself but I give up- I have anew saying you all might like- "I feel like I was trying to pull a pig out of the mud for 15 years, and no matter how I tried, he wouldn't budge, and spots of mud kept getting thrown up on to me. I finally give up, I'm gonna let that pig wallow in the mud with all the other pigs. I couldn't change him from a pig anyway, he'll always be one. Now if I can just get these spots of mud off of myself!"
I hope you enjoy it like I do. I like it because it shows how I was trying to change him, against his own will, and he can't come out of the mud until he wants to, and how my life was being affected by the habits (mud) and even still being ffected by the habits (mud) leaving heir spots on meeven after I gave up pulling out the pig. Anyway I think it fits for me. Have a great day y'all!
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Old 03-12-2009, 11:22 AM
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Oh and a little update- he has totally turned my codie relapse around on me- said "You can't just expect me to forgive you after all this"!!!! Can you believe? What a poopy face! All because I had a moment of weakness and said if he would go to rehab and commit to sobriety I would hold his hand through it and be there with him through it, etc. What a piggie! Thanks for the support, but I want more y'all!:ghug2
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:28 PM
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Boy was he QUACKING in that email, roflmao

I do have a suggestion. Do you perhaps have a trusted friend that could read any email you get from him to see if it is about the children and if not the friend can just delete it. I realize that with kids you do have to have some communication, but this might be a way for you NOT to have contact with him about ANYTHING but the kids.

Just a thought. Thought maybe that might help for you to not have to read all his QUACKING, and be able to continue on with making a good life for you and the kids.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-12-2009, 02:17 PM
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Very nice decode Ceridwen!
Because i'm feeling catty, here's my 2 cents:
- Almost every sentence begins with the word "I".
- If someone is truly in love with you there will never be another woman.
- The effort of using a thesaurus to find alternatives to the word "weird" would have been nice.
- This email is screaming weak-a$$ game.
- "So much for dreams and love as long as you're with me" is how it should read.
- There is no sign of true accountability on his part in this email. This man does not know humility.
- Obviously things did not go as he wished with the other woman, so he's running to the person he knows is dependable and reliable.

Just because he is broken doesn't mean you have to be.
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Old 03-13-2009, 06:14 PM
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Your "little piggie" should just "whee, whee, whee himself all the way home. Leave him in the mud with his muddled thinking, and you go on with a real life for yourself.

God bless
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Old 03-14-2009, 08:09 AM
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I get these kinds of messages too. Its all guilt and manipulation.
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