Codie Guilt Trip - Will it ever change??
 

I am still struggling with saying no and with potentially angering or sadden people when I need to do that for my boundaries and my well-being.

Friends of mine (not ABF) planned an outing today, but I had already made plans to go to the beach and I wanted to go alone because I wanted to clear my head while taking a long walk along the water. I just got home and had a fairly aggressive Email in my inbox in which I am being accused of not inviting the others along. I had thought about making something up (illness, work, etc.), but decided not to because I like going to the beach by myself and want to do it more often now that I have new(er) car and don't want to lie each time. But I feel guilty now. Isn't it perfectly reasonable to want to have a day away for oneself?

I have also realized that I become more and more sensitive when people are passive aggressive. Say it to my face out loud or don't say it at all. You can even b*tch at me. Anything is better than being passive aggressive. Argh. :c004:

I guess it's up to me to not allow others to spoil my special day, so I will go nurse my sunburn and read a book. Thanks for letting me vent! :)

Good for you and enjoying your day! It is up to you---you know that, it sounds like. The day you had today with yourself is mandatory! Relax and enjoy your book.......:Val004:

One thing I have noticed as I improved my own mental health and learned to deal with people in a healthier manner is that there are a whole lotta folks out there who are dysfunctional to some degree or another, in one way or another. You friend's attack on you wanting to do what you want to do is a fine example.

It is nothing to them what you do or do not do, whether you include them or not. They are not harmed in any way whatsoever by you turning down their invite nor your not inviting them to be with you.

A healthy response from them would have been something along the lines of "We will miss you but have a great time at the beach."

I have learned to just let the unhealthy responses from others fall on deaf ears. I am not responible for their response to what I say. I am not responsible for making them happy. I am responsible for making sure my needs are met and sometimes that means saying no to some friend's invitation and doing something just for me. I have no reason whatsoever to feeling guilty for taking care of me.

Strange things happen when we suddenly begin saying "no" and setting boundaries. The people around us are accustomed to the "yes" man so I can see how this change would throw off friends and family. By the time I realized I could set boundaries, I was 36 years old with an extremely demanding family, string of failed relationships, low self-worth, etc.

Once I realized I had boundaries as an option, I said "no" to everything and everyone. Sometimes it was just to spite those whom I had ever-so-codependently done so much for. Had to work through lots of resentment because I felt played. But the beauty of all this is that I came to realize that I had just as much to do with my situation as anyone else. I played a vital role in setting up my place with family and friends. Deconstructing that was not graceful. I made myself the "go-to" person for everything and everyone. Otherwise, what value would I have had to anyone? This was my mindset and now I clearly see how unhealthy that is.

Sometimes it feels strange, like a pair of pants that don't fit just right but I know its the right thing to do. Sometimes I still cannot believe I didn't know I had the right to say "NO".

Much Love!

Agreed 100% with Barbara.

And, I might add, I hate passive-aggressive behavior as much as you do, and as a result, those people don't last long in my life nowadays. I'm not interested in being treated like that by so-called "friends."

You are a kind person, kimmie. These people evidently think it's acceptable to try to hurt your feelings for their own benefit.

In any case, it is a reflection on THEM, not on you. See appleblaster's signature line above :D

:ghug3

Thank you all!

readyforhelp, I did make the decision to do something fun to end a fun day. And I took care of my horrible sunburn. ;)

Barbara, I would have really liked that. One apologized for the email (which I can appreciate), others are giving me the silent treatment and I am refusing to care. I am lucky to have friends that want the best for me just like I want the best for them, so I know that the above is what they would have told me. It is a hard process moving from having to be liked by everybody to consciously doing things that will turn people against me. I am getting better!

appleblaster, YES, I also realized that I let people have these expectations of me. When I get bothered by their problems with me saying no, I have to remind myself that I have always fulfilled their expectations before and I WANTED to be the one liked and appreciated because I didn't realize that I should be liked and appreciated for who I am, INCLUDING for what I do to make myself healthy and happy. The good friends I mentioned above have taught me much of that because they love me the way I am.

GiveLove, I have to admit to myself that in my best enabling days, I was very passive aggressive and through recovery, I have become more direct with people. My ABF and I have always teased each other when we became passive aggressive and that has helped, too, because we pointed it out to each other and developed ways to be more direct. But I know people who are passive aggressive about everything and it's awful because I cannot trust my judgment anymore. Just recently I told a friend that his passive aggressive ways drive me nuts. His response was a passive aggressive status update on Facebook! LOL.

:ghug

Kimmieh,
Good for you - taking care of yourself & pushing back on the guilty feelings. I had a somewhat similar experience myself today & working on pushing back the guilt, too. At least we both now realize we don't need it! For me, it was saying "no" to a somewhat last minute invitation. A friend called me on Tuesday evening & invited me to a hockey game tonight. I said I was interested, and he said he'd call back with the details. Well, no word from him until 4:30 this afternoon (the game is at 7:30.) I had decided by 3:00 PM if I hadn't heard from him that I wasn't going to count on it & mentally had decided I wanted to go to the gym tonight. So, when he called at 4:30, still with sketchy plans of how/where to meet, I said, "Sorry, when I didn't hear back from you, I wasn't sure what was going on, so I made other plans for tonight. Hope to catch up with you sometime soon." It was so hard for me to say "no" - my heart was literally racing - but it felt so good afterward. And, I'm proud for both you & me in standing up for ourselves!

CatsnDogs4Me, yay for us! I know exactly what you mean and good for you that you said no! I hope it gets easier with time! :)

It all really does get easier with practice, just like playing a sport or an instrument :D I had those quivers about doing it at first and still occasionally feel bad, but like 1% of the time instead of 100%

Congrats on your progress so far! You're doing great.

Yes, I agree that it gets easier with practice too.

I for one, would not have been angry with one of my friends who wanted to go alone to the beach. That's just strange reaction to me and an unhealthy one too. Rather immature and selfish really when I think about someone doing that to me. Plus, if I had a problem with something someone did or felt left out, I would calmly and gently bring up what was bothering me in person, but that's just me. I still don't see what the problem is really. So you needed to be alone, doesn't everyone once in a while?

Thank you for being so encouraging! I did bring it up with one of my friends and she said she was just taken aback because she had been wanting to go and took it personally that "I didn't want to take her." She does not have a car, which makes this more tricky. I explained it to her and I also said it will happen more often because I need these getaways. It was not about not wanting to take her, but wanting to take only me (big difference). That one day was so wonderful because being at the beach makes me so happy and who knows how much longer I will be this close to a beach and in this warm weather.

I live in an environment that is very competitive with lots of backstabbing and I am trying to remove myself from that emotionally. I used to be competitive, but now I feel very secure in my work and don't feel like I have anything to prove to people other than my professors. But there is still a constant negative energy, which is why I need my alone times even more than usual because when I hang out with people, we always end up talking about our work or put down people and what not. I wish I could say I didn't participate, but I did and I want to change that.

It is really a learning process to carve out my little niche and even more to protect it from negative energy (I am all about energy, can you tell ;) ).

I am in awe of all of you who detached from situations with addicts and others that were so difficult to detangle. That is really an inspiration! :ghug3