Thank You!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 17
Thank You!
Hello all,
I have been lurking for almost 2 years, never had the nerve to post. I wanted to thank all of you that DO post. I have learned so much and sat here and cried (laughed sometimes too) with you all. It seems I always find a post relating to what I am going through at any particular moment. Please keep posting!
My story is no different than anyone else's here. I'm the codie (working on it) and he's the alcoholic. He is 4 months sober now, but not working a program. I hoping to get some feedback on my current situation. I have gone to a few mtgs, reading alot, I even met with my pastor a few times to help me with MY growth and recovery and I've noticed that the stronger (hopefully healthier) I get, the further I drift apart from my AH. We are living like roomates, not much conversation other than the typical "how was your day", "fine, yours?". Physical intimacy is sparce and emotional intimacy is non-existant. I guess my question is do you think it was always like this and now I'm actually seeing it (getting away from my codie tendencies) or did we just grow apart or what. Is this as good as it gets in life? Does happily ever after really exist? Do I just have the grass is greener syndrome? I'm just confused... if he beat me or yelled at me or (fill in the blank) I wouldn't have a problem leaving, but he doesn't do the "bad" things, but he doesn't do the "good" things either (or does that only happen in the movies?) I can tell myself I don't have it so bad, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, he doesn't beat me...people have it alot worse, but do people have it alot better too?
I once heard that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. If you hated you'd still care. I feel that we are both indifferent, I don't hate him, but I don't think I'm still in love and I think he cares about the dogs more than me (he talks to them more, hugs and pets them more too). Do I leave a so-so marriage for the dream of a life that may not even exist?
I have been lurking for almost 2 years, never had the nerve to post. I wanted to thank all of you that DO post. I have learned so much and sat here and cried (laughed sometimes too) with you all. It seems I always find a post relating to what I am going through at any particular moment. Please keep posting!
My story is no different than anyone else's here. I'm the codie (working on it) and he's the alcoholic. He is 4 months sober now, but not working a program. I hoping to get some feedback on my current situation. I have gone to a few mtgs, reading alot, I even met with my pastor a few times to help me with MY growth and recovery and I've noticed that the stronger (hopefully healthier) I get, the further I drift apart from my AH. We are living like roomates, not much conversation other than the typical "how was your day", "fine, yours?". Physical intimacy is sparce and emotional intimacy is non-existant. I guess my question is do you think it was always like this and now I'm actually seeing it (getting away from my codie tendencies) or did we just grow apart or what. Is this as good as it gets in life? Does happily ever after really exist? Do I just have the grass is greener syndrome? I'm just confused... if he beat me or yelled at me or (fill in the blank) I wouldn't have a problem leaving, but he doesn't do the "bad" things, but he doesn't do the "good" things either (or does that only happen in the movies?) I can tell myself I don't have it so bad, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, he doesn't beat me...people have it alot worse, but do people have it alot better too?
I once heard that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. If you hated you'd still care. I feel that we are both indifferent, I don't hate him, but I don't think I'm still in love and I think he cares about the dogs more than me (he talks to them more, hugs and pets them more too). Do I leave a so-so marriage for the dream of a life that may not even exist?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi and thanks for stepping out and introducing yourself!
You've been here longer than I have! Wow!
I can't answer that question for you, only you can answer that question. When you say you have gone to meetings, which ones? AA, alanon, coda?
My AH offered to get sober when I asked for the separation. He wanted to know if I would stay if he got sober. In the past, I thought I would. But during his few attempts at staying sober for a day or so, I realized that without a program or counseling for him to learn to deal with life on lifes terms he would be a sarcastic, angry, dry drunk. He doesn't say nice things to me or the kids when he is drunk or sober. He doesn't take responsibility as a father drunk or sober. He doesn't take responsibility as a husband drunk or sober. So if nothing changes, nothing changes.
I know what I want in a healthy relationship:
I want someone who is open, honest, forthright
and treats me with respect as a full-fledged partner in life.
Is your husband willing to work on your marriage and learn new skills in relating to you as a partner for life?
You've been here longer than I have! Wow!
I can't answer that question for you, only you can answer that question. When you say you have gone to meetings, which ones? AA, alanon, coda?
My AH offered to get sober when I asked for the separation. He wanted to know if I would stay if he got sober. In the past, I thought I would. But during his few attempts at staying sober for a day or so, I realized that without a program or counseling for him to learn to deal with life on lifes terms he would be a sarcastic, angry, dry drunk. He doesn't say nice things to me or the kids when he is drunk or sober. He doesn't take responsibility as a father drunk or sober. He doesn't take responsibility as a husband drunk or sober. So if nothing changes, nothing changes.
I know what I want in a healthy relationship:
I want someone who is open, honest, forthright
and treats me with respect as a full-fledged partner in life.
Is your husband willing to work on your marriage and learn new skills in relating to you as a partner for life?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hello and welcome.
I can relate to u and ur
story....however i am the
one in recovery and my
spouse then didnt see a
need for one....
He didnt have a problem
with drug nor alcohol...
just a normal hard working
man admired by many.
The emotions, imtimacy,
communication ...all that u
mentioned above was sparce
as well in our 25 yr marriage.
I had a program and he went
to alanon once to pick up
the word detatchment.
I didnt want detatchment...
i needed someone to give me
that unconditional love....all
the things needed in a relationship
or family that was destroyed from
me during my abusive childood.
My mom drank with prescription
meds which made her a Dr. Jeckle/
Mr. Hyde personality.
I had been looking for love in all
the wrong things but thought
i had it whe i married the first
time....
Anyway....my husband and i
separated and i moved back
to my home town and just
recently remarried to a wonderful
man that is also in recovery.
The only thing i can say is....
My HP brought us together. He
has been there throughtout my
entire life even when i wondered
if He really was....I had to remember
that all things happen in His time
and not mine.....
There were long periods of unhappiness
however today i understand why.....
Things had to happen as they were
ment to happen and today is
unbelieveable......
The man i married is all that i have
been looking for all my life. The house
i moved in is now my home fillled
with love, care, understanding, trust
and honesty.
For a note of optomism....there r
couples where both are in a program.
One spouse in AA the other Alanon.
They are supportive of each other,
where neither one works the others
program.....they each attend each
others meetings together,,,,,which
is inspiring.....so there is hope to stay
married till death do u part if u both
are willling to work together.
Thanks for letting me share.
I can relate to u and ur
story....however i am the
one in recovery and my
spouse then didnt see a
need for one....
He didnt have a problem
with drug nor alcohol...
just a normal hard working
man admired by many.
The emotions, imtimacy,
communication ...all that u
mentioned above was sparce
as well in our 25 yr marriage.
I had a program and he went
to alanon once to pick up
the word detatchment.
I didnt want detatchment...
i needed someone to give me
that unconditional love....all
the things needed in a relationship
or family that was destroyed from
me during my abusive childood.
My mom drank with prescription
meds which made her a Dr. Jeckle/
Mr. Hyde personality.
I had been looking for love in all
the wrong things but thought
i had it whe i married the first
time....
Anyway....my husband and i
separated and i moved back
to my home town and just
recently remarried to a wonderful
man that is also in recovery.
The only thing i can say is....
My HP brought us together. He
has been there throughtout my
entire life even when i wondered
if He really was....I had to remember
that all things happen in His time
and not mine.....
There were long periods of unhappiness
however today i understand why.....
Things had to happen as they were
ment to happen and today is
unbelieveable......
The man i married is all that i have
been looking for all my life. The house
i moved in is now my home fillled
with love, care, understanding, trust
and honesty.
For a note of optomism....there r
couples where both are in a program.
One spouse in AA the other Alanon.
They are supportive of each other,
where neither one works the others
program.....they each attend each
others meetings together,,,,,which
is inspiring.....so there is hope to stay
married till death do u part if u both
are willling to work together.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Welcome and thanks for posting
With him being four months sober, the entire fabric of your relationship has changed, he's changing, and if you are "doing" recovery rigorously for yourself, you will be changing too.
A few things I have learned are, if you aren't growing together, you are growing apart, now what is happening now may or may not fit this criteria.
In my experience, after one or the other partner gets sober, you literally have to 'start over" and relearn who each other are especially since there is so much change that accompanies sobriety.
Quite often it looks exactly like what you are going through right now, they say "relationships take work" this is what "they" mean, and it takes two people to work on a relationship, so, for me, if I am idle and apathetic, I can't be too surprised if the relationship fails, and the flip side, if I am the one doing all of the "work" I'm not too surprised if the relationship fails, it's just I have a little more control of the outcome of option "B", not much, but a little.
Anyhow, for me, I notice I seem to have much better results in every aspect of my life if I put my own recovery first, especially my relationships with those around me, kind of "you can get more bee's with honey then you can with vinegar" and that way if it doesn't work out, you will know it wasn't you, and that you couldn't have done anything different, because you have done the best you could.
In my case, I got sober and the two of us worked our programs for a few years and after about five years we realized we didn't really have anything in common, or the real basis of a relationship, once we removed the "dysfunctional" parts of the relationship, it turned out that's what the entire relationship was based on, kind of like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
Things like this make sleeping at night easier if that makes sense, getting a sponsor and working my own program covers all of these issues.
With him being four months sober, the entire fabric of your relationship has changed, he's changing, and if you are "doing" recovery rigorously for yourself, you will be changing too.
A few things I have learned are, if you aren't growing together, you are growing apart, now what is happening now may or may not fit this criteria.
In my experience, after one or the other partner gets sober, you literally have to 'start over" and relearn who each other are especially since there is so much change that accompanies sobriety.
Quite often it looks exactly like what you are going through right now, they say "relationships take work" this is what "they" mean, and it takes two people to work on a relationship, so, for me, if I am idle and apathetic, I can't be too surprised if the relationship fails, and the flip side, if I am the one doing all of the "work" I'm not too surprised if the relationship fails, it's just I have a little more control of the outcome of option "B", not much, but a little.
Anyhow, for me, I notice I seem to have much better results in every aspect of my life if I put my own recovery first, especially my relationships with those around me, kind of "you can get more bee's with honey then you can with vinegar" and that way if it doesn't work out, you will know it wasn't you, and that you couldn't have done anything different, because you have done the best you could.
In my case, I got sober and the two of us worked our programs for a few years and after about five years we realized we didn't really have anything in common, or the real basis of a relationship, once we removed the "dysfunctional" parts of the relationship, it turned out that's what the entire relationship was based on, kind of like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
Things like this make sleeping at night easier if that makes sense, getting a sponsor and working my own program covers all of these issues.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Welcome Peas - though I'm sorry you have to be here.
I could not agree with this more. It all comes back to that "thin line between love and hate" - and yes you are right - the opposite of love IS indifference. Somewhere that I'm dreaming of getting too SOON.
Keep reading and keep posting.
I once heard that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. If you hated you'd still care.
Keep reading and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Welcome 4peas!! I know your story well, as many of us here do. I look forward to getting to know you better.
For now, you might want to ponder something someone asked me recently. Can you live with him, just the way he is, and be able to find peace and contentment? The more work I do on me the clearer my answer to that question is becoming "no". You see we can't change them.....only us.
I know that there is so much more out there in this great big world and it's starting to look a lot more like an adventure and a lot less like "the unknown". Only you can decide what's best in your own situation. I hope you are able to give yourself the power to choose what is best for you......and yes, I do believe there are "happy endings", and I believe it is up to us to write them.
For now, you might want to ponder something someone asked me recently. Can you live with him, just the way he is, and be able to find peace and contentment? The more work I do on me the clearer my answer to that question is becoming "no". You see we can't change them.....only us.
I know that there is so much more out there in this great big world and it's starting to look a lot more like an adventure and a lot less like "the unknown". Only you can decide what's best in your own situation. I hope you are able to give yourself the power to choose what is best for you......and yes, I do believe there are "happy endings", and I believe it is up to us to write them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
My husband is going to AA and I'm going to Al-anon. If I wasn't working a program then it probably would be over. He still is very up and down. I've seen an addictions counsellor who said the withdrawl effects could be up to a year. I guess that is why the program usually suggests no major changes in the first year.
Happiness is an inside job and for all that my husband can be a jerk at times, I'm getting good at detaching with love. After living with an addict, I truly understand the saying "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission." You don't have to take his negativity or attitude on board. I know it is easy to say that but hard to do. What helps me do it in practice, is to work my steps, understand my defects and in doing that, I gain insight into others. Just work your own program and I'm sure in God's time, the answer will reveal itself as to whether you can stay in the relationship.
Happiness is an inside job and for all that my husband can be a jerk at times, I'm getting good at detaching with love. After living with an addict, I truly understand the saying "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission." You don't have to take his negativity or attitude on board. I know it is easy to say that but hard to do. What helps me do it in practice, is to work my steps, understand my defects and in doing that, I gain insight into others. Just work your own program and I'm sure in God's time, the answer will reveal itself as to whether you can stay in the relationship.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Welcome!
I too am glad you shared..you have "been here" as long as I have too!
My experiences with A's were extreme..one ended in violence.. one in the
aftermath of abuse, and one in terror it would happen again.
Your situation is very different, but I sense the pain and "stuck" feelings coming through your post.
I've surely been there..
I really like what what Blessed4X shared here..
"For now, you might want to ponder something someone asked me recently. Can you live with him, just the way he is, and be able to find peace and contentment?"
This a good question, only you can answer..but maybe you just don't even know what you feel anymore.
I would suggest Alanon..it is fantastic.
But to start..just keep talking to us. It helps to "get it out"..it really does.
You have found friends here, 4Peas..
Many friends.
I too am glad you shared..you have "been here" as long as I have too!
My experiences with A's were extreme..one ended in violence.. one in the
aftermath of abuse, and one in terror it would happen again.
Your situation is very different, but I sense the pain and "stuck" feelings coming through your post.
I've surely been there..
I really like what what Blessed4X shared here..
"For now, you might want to ponder something someone asked me recently. Can you live with him, just the way he is, and be able to find peace and contentment?"
This a good question, only you can answer..but maybe you just don't even know what you feel anymore.
I would suggest Alanon..it is fantastic.
But to start..just keep talking to us. It helps to "get it out"..it really does.
You have found friends here, 4Peas..
Many friends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 17
Thanks again for your posts! I really do want my marriage to work, I think deep down he does too... but like Ago said the fabric of our relationship has changed and I guess we need to learn how we fit together now.
IO said "..but maybe you just don't even know what you feel anymore", that really hit the nail on the head. Sometimes I feel guilty when I work on me (the codie in me just wants to focus on him). It is hard to remember that I am responsible for MY happiness and not rely on him to make me happy.
I don't particularly like the alanon meetings, I feel I get way more out of SR and I can't say it enough... THANK YOU for all of the support and love (even if it is tough love)
that is given here, it really does help. For every 1 member here I'm sure there are 10 "lurkers" like me that may not post but get so much from those who do.
Another question... does "fake it to you make it" really work? In other words, if I preted (for lack of a better word) that I have the June Cleaver marriage will it become a self fulling prophecy and actually happen eventually?
IO said "..but maybe you just don't even know what you feel anymore", that really hit the nail on the head. Sometimes I feel guilty when I work on me (the codie in me just wants to focus on him). It is hard to remember that I am responsible for MY happiness and not rely on him to make me happy.
I don't particularly like the alanon meetings, I feel I get way more out of SR and I can't say it enough... THANK YOU for all of the support and love (even if it is tough love)
that is given here, it really does help. For every 1 member here I'm sure there are 10 "lurkers" like me that may not post but get so much from those who do.Another question... does "fake it to you make it" really work? In other words, if I preted (for lack of a better word) that I have the June Cleaver marriage will it become a self fulling prophecy and actually happen eventually?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Fake it till u make it eventually does
work. It means bring the body and
the mind will follow. Things will event-
ually become clearer to u as time passes.
I heard the words
PROGRESS NOT PROFECTION
a many many times as i wanted to
control the situation. The more
control i thought i had the more
frustrated i became....it just didnt
work out the way i wanted them
to.
So i learn to do the best I can
with what I have and that is learning
to be good enough.
Progress to do better, not perfect.
That takes the pressure of my
mind.
If AA works good for you for now
that great.....just knowing there
are other sources available
if u need them.....
Im an ACOA...Adult child of an alcoholic.
I probabaly could benifit alot from this
program but havent tapped into it
yet.....this could take care of some
underlying issues i have from my
past to help make my recovery
even better....make my relationship
with even better.
Dont over load urself with so much
information available.....take them
as needed and incorporate them
in ur eveyday life to enhance it
and make it better over time.
Thats the reward to be happy
joyous and free.
work. It means bring the body and
the mind will follow. Things will event-
ually become clearer to u as time passes.
I heard the words
PROGRESS NOT PROFECTION
a many many times as i wanted to
control the situation. The more
control i thought i had the more
frustrated i became....it just didnt
work out the way i wanted them
to.
So i learn to do the best I can
with what I have and that is learning
to be good enough.
Progress to do better, not perfect.
That takes the pressure of my
mind.
If AA works good for you for now
that great.....just knowing there
are other sources available
if u need them.....
Im an ACOA...Adult child of an alcoholic.
I probabaly could benifit alot from this
program but havent tapped into it
yet.....this could take care of some
underlying issues i have from my
past to help make my recovery
even better....make my relationship
with even better.
Dont over load urself with so much
information available.....take them
as needed and incorporate them
in ur eveyday life to enhance it
and make it better over time.
Thats the reward to be happy
joyous and free.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi peas.. and welcome...
Your story is very similar to mine. For a year I too lived like this. The A was in AA but I wasn't in Al-Anon. What I did was detach. All very good, but it was an unhealthy detachment. Something triggered me and I went into my fortress, pulled up the drawbridge and released the crocodiles into the moat. I stopped feeling and became distant. I was living like a robot. Functioning (barely) but that was it.
But then I hit my emotional rock bottom. It has had consequences on my relationship which are sad and difficult, but it has also had a good consequence. It led me to Al-Anon.
Now.. I'm a work in progress. I'm feeling again: not always a good thing and often painful, but I'm feeling. Whats more, I'm starting to appreciate those feelings and I'm getting the tools to deal with them.
I'm so glad you have found SR. Keep coming back.. :ghug
Your story is very similar to mine. For a year I too lived like this. The A was in AA but I wasn't in Al-Anon. What I did was detach. All very good, but it was an unhealthy detachment. Something triggered me and I went into my fortress, pulled up the drawbridge and released the crocodiles into the moat. I stopped feeling and became distant. I was living like a robot. Functioning (barely) but that was it.
But then I hit my emotional rock bottom. It has had consequences on my relationship which are sad and difficult, but it has also had a good consequence. It led me to Al-Anon.
Now.. I'm a work in progress. I'm feeling again: not always a good thing and often painful, but I'm feeling. Whats more, I'm starting to appreciate those feelings and I'm getting the tools to deal with them.
I'm so glad you have found SR. Keep coming back.. :ghug
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
4Peas..
"Fake it till you make it"..does work. As long as you are not denying your true feelings.
And as long as you are not being physically, mentally, or emotionally abused.
Clear as mud?
I tried to be June Cleaver for my AH..way before I started my own drinking career..
and it didn't work. I tried so hard..for 18 years.
But you seem to imply you have a salvagable relationship..and that there is still love there.
You say you still love him. And you have hope.
By the time I left..I was done. It is a tremendous job to carry the entire weight
of the relationship on your shoulders.
I wish I had SR then..maybe things would have been different.
Support..it makes such a difference when you've been carrying the burden alone.
Again..keep posting..keep up that hope.
Warm hugs and prayers out to you today!
"Fake it till you make it"..does work. As long as you are not denying your true feelings.
And as long as you are not being physically, mentally, or emotionally abused.
Clear as mud?
I tried to be June Cleaver for my AH..way before I started my own drinking career..
and it didn't work. I tried so hard..for 18 years.
But you seem to imply you have a salvagable relationship..and that there is still love there.
You say you still love him. And you have hope.
By the time I left..I was done. It is a tremendous job to carry the entire weight
of the relationship on your shoulders.
I wish I had SR then..maybe things would have been different.
Support..it makes such a difference when you've been carrying the burden alone.
Again..keep posting..keep up that hope.
Warm hugs and prayers out to you today!
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