My step 1....
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
My step 1....
I actually finally got serious and decided to look at the 12 steps. I have been meaning to go to Al Anon for months, but between the drama in my life and my pregnancy (and now a newborn) tonight is the first time I'm finding time. I have no childcare, so attending a meeting at the moment is impossible. I was cruising the board and found a sticky of the 12 steps. I thought....why can't I just work through the steps in a post?
So, while feedback is welcomed, it is not necessary. Rather this is a way for me to have some literary diarrhea of the mind.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
No. I'm still finding I am so frustrated at XABF's choices, his priorities. It is utterly mind-boggling to me, although I am getting better. I am trying to realize that I cannot change him...i didn't cause this, and I can't cure it. IT IS HARRRRRRRRRRRD!
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I believe xABF is very different than me. Smoking a joint and having a cup of coffee in the morning before work is a daily ritual. A beer (or 8) is a nightly ritual upon coming home from work. There is no such thing as sober fun for him. Going to a movie? let's get stoned. Going to a music festival? Let's get tanked. I enjoy drinking.....but not to the same degree. I am finding that life is 10 times more fulfilling when sober.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I do accept alcohol as a disease. How I deal with a drinker/addict is continually evolving. I used to point fingers and blame......I am trying to change my language, my thoughts, and the way I look at a person I feel has a problem. I can only change my own behavior. I can only say that his choices are not my choices.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
In the past I used to cry, scream and beg him not to go out. I realized this just made him want to go out more. I would tell him he needed to stop drinking, and he would tell me that he worked hard.......
My trying to change who he is created a world of emotional abuse for me.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I used to cry....so much. Thinking that would get his attention.....that he would see how much what he was doing hurt me. I used to think this would get him to put his arm around me, give me a hug. He was usually disgusted with my behavior and would say "Why are you crying??" Instead of asking what was wrong and being tender. I realized it would work better to tell him my needs and that of his childrens, directly.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Most recently xABF has decided to go to a music festival in lieu of coming to see his daughter, whom he has not met. I am so angry with him. He sent me a text saying that he deserved to go...that he had a crappy birthday last year, and an awful Christmas (because I left). I responded, by not responding. I realized how unhealthy our relationship continues to be, and am considering sending back the cell phone he gave me. The cell phone is a constant form of stress to me. It is the one connection I have to him.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?I could gain acceptance for the person, and realize everyone is different, and that's okay.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
This one is terrible for me........At the moment I have nothing in my tool box. I guess my gut answer is to "pay attention to me", but I find that so hard to do. Someone else's needs always come first with me. When I was in Alabama, I would by "my boys" jammies before I would buy some for myself. I am still trying to figure out why XABF has the problems he does, and think I can solve them.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one? I think in the recent past I was looking for a quick fix. I think with me it's not just a recent co-dependent relationship. I think I've had years of co-dependent relationships that need care and attention. I am probably setting myself up for continual work on my soul.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I feel responsible for others if I am designated to be in charge---for example, in public with my step-son. I also feel responsiblity if a large group goes into public together.....like I have to be the mommy. I have to try to control what the group does....where they go....who they go with....what time they come back and where we'll meet.
I used to feel excessively responsible when my XABF would get plastered. I would try to control his behavior when he would try to pick a fight with someone from a different race, or when he would try to pick a fight in general. I felt embarrased and ashamed by his actions on many occasions. I would drive so he wouldn't drive....
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior? HA! I should have looked ahead! I used to hate it when my XABF would get drunk and shout racial slurs, or when he would threaten me or verbally abuse me. The countless times he yelled at me in front of his young son. I was so embarrased. So ashamed that I yelled back to try to protect myself. I hope and pray his son does not remember those things.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed? I came to SR originally because I thought I had an addiction problem myself. My xABF and I used to do coke on nearly a weekly basis and we would drink atleast 4 times per week......we smoked pot nearly every day. At the time I joined SR I was very emotionally messed up and was looking for solace amongst a group of "others". I thought I was the only one dealing with this kind of stuff for a long time. I am continually trying to gain knowledge to better understand alcoholism, addiction and co-dependency.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples. My father. I used to call my father once a week....as my relationship with xabf became more and more strained, it became a daily phone call. My father has said "he's almost like an addiction himself, isn't he?" He has no idea.....
All of my friends and family encouraged my leaving. They all told me that this was a toxic relationship, and that I needed to get out of it before my daughter was born.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable? I was continually crying...and I am typically a happy person. I stopped paying my credit card bills, my student loans. We as a "family" barely scraped by with rent. I became 3 months behind with my car payment and almost had my car repo'd. I didn't have a valid registration on my car.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I continually check with others to make sure I am doing the right thing. Even though others say I definitely did the right thing, I still have my doubts.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this? I often say yes. When I do this, I am allowing others to control me.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Holy cow!!! This is me!!! Totally. I used to wake up at 5:30, get XABF out of bed, make coffee, make french toast and bacon....set the table, set out daily ration of pot for daily joint, pack lunchbox complete with several frozen water bottles and bottles of iced tea and gatorade......clean up from breakfast, clean the house, do the laundry, GO TO WORK AT 2:30 pm myself, work until 10:00 and then stay up cleaning up the mess xabf left for me upon returning to work (work clothes and lunchbox---needed to be unpacked.) I used to get to bed around 11:00pm or so. All this while in my second trimester of pregnancy. Oh, and I would get up and care for his son on my off days. XABF was usually still in bed nursing a hang over.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?When things are going well, it makes me happy.....but I often wonder WHAT'S NEXT???
How well do I take care of myself? It varies, but since I've been out of a toxic relationship I take much better care of myself. I take the extra time to groom myself in ways I never did before.
How do I feel when I am alone?This is my worst fear. Being alone. Funny, because I am an only child, and I was always alone growing up. Up until recently I have always had a man in my life. I often move from one man to the other and they all often have addictions or alcoholism.
Sometimes I am okay with being alone if I have enough to distract me. For instance...the computer, a good book. I am not okay usually alone with my own thoughts.
What is the difference between pity and love? To be announced....
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them? When I met XABF he told me of his deep seated emotional upbringing---his father disowning him, his grandfather committing suicide, and his half-brother shooting his stepmother near christmas. I instantly remember feeling sorry for him, and wanting to help him. I do seem to be attracted to others that have problems that need "fixing". I would describe myself as a kind person with a big heart.
I have tried to fix several folks by telling them how they should live their lives, and giving advice. I have been judgemental about others use and abuse of drugs and alcohol, and failed to take my own abuse into account.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? I am getting better about trusting my feelings. When it comes to XABF he can still control my mind.....he could send me a text and ruin my concept of all reality right now. He is not in the slightest emotionally supportive....but at this point I would take anything I could get---even a text asking how we are.
So, while feedback is welcomed, it is not necessary. Rather this is a way for me to have some literary diarrhea of the mind.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
No. I'm still finding I am so frustrated at XABF's choices, his priorities. It is utterly mind-boggling to me, although I am getting better. I am trying to realize that I cannot change him...i didn't cause this, and I can't cure it. IT IS HARRRRRRRRRRRD!
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I believe xABF is very different than me. Smoking a joint and having a cup of coffee in the morning before work is a daily ritual. A beer (or 8) is a nightly ritual upon coming home from work. There is no such thing as sober fun for him. Going to a movie? let's get stoned. Going to a music festival? Let's get tanked. I enjoy drinking.....but not to the same degree. I am finding that life is 10 times more fulfilling when sober.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I do accept alcohol as a disease. How I deal with a drinker/addict is continually evolving. I used to point fingers and blame......I am trying to change my language, my thoughts, and the way I look at a person I feel has a problem. I can only change my own behavior. I can only say that his choices are not my choices.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
In the past I used to cry, scream and beg him not to go out. I realized this just made him want to go out more. I would tell him he needed to stop drinking, and he would tell me that he worked hard.......
My trying to change who he is created a world of emotional abuse for me.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I used to cry....so much. Thinking that would get his attention.....that he would see how much what he was doing hurt me. I used to think this would get him to put his arm around me, give me a hug. He was usually disgusted with my behavior and would say "Why are you crying??" Instead of asking what was wrong and being tender. I realized it would work better to tell him my needs and that of his childrens, directly.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Most recently xABF has decided to go to a music festival in lieu of coming to see his daughter, whom he has not met. I am so angry with him. He sent me a text saying that he deserved to go...that he had a crappy birthday last year, and an awful Christmas (because I left). I responded, by not responding. I realized how unhealthy our relationship continues to be, and am considering sending back the cell phone he gave me. The cell phone is a constant form of stress to me. It is the one connection I have to him.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?I could gain acceptance for the person, and realize everyone is different, and that's okay.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
This one is terrible for me........At the moment I have nothing in my tool box. I guess my gut answer is to "pay attention to me", but I find that so hard to do. Someone else's needs always come first with me. When I was in Alabama, I would by "my boys" jammies before I would buy some for myself. I am still trying to figure out why XABF has the problems he does, and think I can solve them.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one? I think in the recent past I was looking for a quick fix. I think with me it's not just a recent co-dependent relationship. I think I've had years of co-dependent relationships that need care and attention. I am probably setting myself up for continual work on my soul.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I feel responsible for others if I am designated to be in charge---for example, in public with my step-son. I also feel responsiblity if a large group goes into public together.....like I have to be the mommy. I have to try to control what the group does....where they go....who they go with....what time they come back and where we'll meet.
I used to feel excessively responsible when my XABF would get plastered. I would try to control his behavior when he would try to pick a fight with someone from a different race, or when he would try to pick a fight in general. I felt embarrased and ashamed by his actions on many occasions. I would drive so he wouldn't drive....
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior? HA! I should have looked ahead! I used to hate it when my XABF would get drunk and shout racial slurs, or when he would threaten me or verbally abuse me. The countless times he yelled at me in front of his young son. I was so embarrased. So ashamed that I yelled back to try to protect myself. I hope and pray his son does not remember those things.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed? I came to SR originally because I thought I had an addiction problem myself. My xABF and I used to do coke on nearly a weekly basis and we would drink atleast 4 times per week......we smoked pot nearly every day. At the time I joined SR I was very emotionally messed up and was looking for solace amongst a group of "others". I thought I was the only one dealing with this kind of stuff for a long time. I am continually trying to gain knowledge to better understand alcoholism, addiction and co-dependency.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples. My father. I used to call my father once a week....as my relationship with xabf became more and more strained, it became a daily phone call. My father has said "he's almost like an addiction himself, isn't he?" He has no idea.....
All of my friends and family encouraged my leaving. They all told me that this was a toxic relationship, and that I needed to get out of it before my daughter was born.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable? I was continually crying...and I am typically a happy person. I stopped paying my credit card bills, my student loans. We as a "family" barely scraped by with rent. I became 3 months behind with my car payment and almost had my car repo'd. I didn't have a valid registration on my car.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I continually check with others to make sure I am doing the right thing. Even though others say I definitely did the right thing, I still have my doubts.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this? I often say yes. When I do this, I am allowing others to control me.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Holy cow!!! This is me!!! Totally. I used to wake up at 5:30, get XABF out of bed, make coffee, make french toast and bacon....set the table, set out daily ration of pot for daily joint, pack lunchbox complete with several frozen water bottles and bottles of iced tea and gatorade......clean up from breakfast, clean the house, do the laundry, GO TO WORK AT 2:30 pm myself, work until 10:00 and then stay up cleaning up the mess xabf left for me upon returning to work (work clothes and lunchbox---needed to be unpacked.) I used to get to bed around 11:00pm or so. All this while in my second trimester of pregnancy. Oh, and I would get up and care for his son on my off days. XABF was usually still in bed nursing a hang over.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?When things are going well, it makes me happy.....but I often wonder WHAT'S NEXT???
How well do I take care of myself? It varies, but since I've been out of a toxic relationship I take much better care of myself. I take the extra time to groom myself in ways I never did before.
How do I feel when I am alone?This is my worst fear. Being alone. Funny, because I am an only child, and I was always alone growing up. Up until recently I have always had a man in my life. I often move from one man to the other and they all often have addictions or alcoholism.
Sometimes I am okay with being alone if I have enough to distract me. For instance...the computer, a good book. I am not okay usually alone with my own thoughts.
What is the difference between pity and love? To be announced....
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them? When I met XABF he told me of his deep seated emotional upbringing---his father disowning him, his grandfather committing suicide, and his half-brother shooting his stepmother near christmas. I instantly remember feeling sorry for him, and wanting to help him. I do seem to be attracted to others that have problems that need "fixing". I would describe myself as a kind person with a big heart.
I have tried to fix several folks by telling them how they should live their lives, and giving advice. I have been judgemental about others use and abuse of drugs and alcohol, and failed to take my own abuse into account.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are? I am getting better about trusting my feelings. When it comes to XABF he can still control my mind.....he could send me a text and ruin my concept of all reality right now. He is not in the slightest emotionally supportive....but at this point I would take anything I could get---even a text asking how we are.
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