How did we help create this mess?
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 36
How did we help create this mess?
I am thinking about today's One Day at a Time -
Today's Reminder: It is not the alcoholic who is my responsibility. My Job is to do something about my own faults, my own part in the mess our life has become. Can I admit that my own irrational behavior helped to create the mess? I am sure I will realize it in time, with the help of Al-Anon.
I know I have tons of faults of my own, I am having a hard figuring out how I contributed to the mess - Maybe in the early days I should have put my foot down or left.
I have a lot of anxiety and depression and it's sort of a chicken and egg thing - which came first? I am sure my anxiety/depression contributed to his drinking, but so did his drinking to my anxiety/depression. How do I put an end to the vicious cycle?
Anyway, I'm new to al-anon. I so want to get it. I read and hear all the time that the only one I can change is myself - I just need to figure out what my problem is. I honestly don't know how to examine myself.
I'd love to hear how you actually took charge and figured out what to fix in your life.
Today's Reminder: It is not the alcoholic who is my responsibility. My Job is to do something about my own faults, my own part in the mess our life has become. Can I admit that my own irrational behavior helped to create the mess? I am sure I will realize it in time, with the help of Al-Anon.
I know I have tons of faults of my own, I am having a hard figuring out how I contributed to the mess - Maybe in the early days I should have put my foot down or left.
I have a lot of anxiety and depression and it's sort of a chicken and egg thing - which came first? I am sure my anxiety/depression contributed to his drinking, but so did his drinking to my anxiety/depression. How do I put an end to the vicious cycle?
Anyway, I'm new to al-anon. I so want to get it. I read and hear all the time that the only one I can change is myself - I just need to figure out what my problem is. I honestly don't know how to examine myself.
I'd love to hear how you actually took charge and figured out what to fix in your life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 46
Read the Codependency section- it opened my eyes to a lot of behaviors I have that contribute to these situations (by allowing me to get into them in the first place).
Setting clear boundaries for myself in regard to what my core values in any relationship mean to me, and take steps to follow through with them. The boundary sections really highlight this: When "X" happens it is unacceptable to me, if "X" happens again I will "X". Most of my boundaries end with me leaving.
My x husband was the equivalent of a dry drunk. He was also from an abusive alcoholic family and our two codependent personalities did not jive. He was at the extreme edge of verbal and emotional abuse. Not a day went by that I wasn't a b*tch or a c*nt. I always set my boundary and threatened my action, but never followed through with it. He learned he could continue, I learned that I needed a better system.
Eventually I followed through with my threatened action. He immediately sought counseling, was treated for his depression, and is on the road to being a better man and father. He lost me in the end, but he gained himself.
Good luck on your self exploration adventure (often the hardest journey to take).. you'll get a lot of support here!
Setting clear boundaries for myself in regard to what my core values in any relationship mean to me, and take steps to follow through with them. The boundary sections really highlight this: When "X" happens it is unacceptable to me, if "X" happens again I will "X". Most of my boundaries end with me leaving.
My x husband was the equivalent of a dry drunk. He was also from an abusive alcoholic family and our two codependent personalities did not jive. He was at the extreme edge of verbal and emotional abuse. Not a day went by that I wasn't a b*tch or a c*nt. I always set my boundary and threatened my action, but never followed through with it. He learned he could continue, I learned that I needed a better system.
Eventually I followed through with my threatened action. He immediately sought counseling, was treated for his depression, and is on the road to being a better man and father. He lost me in the end, but he gained himself.
Good luck on your self exploration adventure (often the hardest journey to take).. you'll get a lot of support here!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by Marigolds 
I am having a hard figuring out how I contributed to the mess ----I have a lot of anxiety and depression and it's sort of a chicken and egg thing - which came first? I am sure my anxiety/depression contributed to his drinking, but so did his drinking to my anxiety/depression. How do I put an end to the vicious cycle?
You ask good questions. How do you put an end to the vicious cycle? Like I said you have no control over him. You can only work on you and your own inner vicious cycle. Things like why did you allow yourself to be treated disrespectfully, why did you not love and care for yourself, why did you think you deserved so little????
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I had a very similar question going through this process and could not seem to wrap my mind around how I contributed to the Addict/Co-dependent relationship that I have with my ABF. He had a very controlled drinking pattern when we met, and I questioned if my actions, or lack thereof, actually made his condition worse. Had it not been for me I thought he would not have spiralled to the point he is at now.
The response I got from the folks here that have been through the fire and back was that I have to understand two points that are true universally. These may help you.
1) Alcoholism is progressive. It has ups and downs but it continues on its own path. As life changes around my ABF, his disease changes. Whether I am with him or not, whether we ever met at all, does not change a thing. He will make the choice that suits him in regards to his drinking. He may use me as his excuse to drink, but without me, he will find another.
2) I am not, nor will I ever be, omnipotent. The only person or thing that I can control outright is me. I cannot cause a disease created and driven by someone else to change any more than I can change the weather, the tides, or the rise and set of the sun.
It's true we have played a part in the addict/co-dependent dance that we must accept and change. That part for me was a stifling control. Because I believed so strongly that I could control the disease, I ended up controlling all the aspects of my ABF that could have made him stand up against the disease on his own. I made sure all of the bills got paid so he wouldn't be homeless or we wouldn't have to go without things. I made sure he had beer in the house, so he wouldn't be compelled to drive out to get more thus driving under the influence. I made sure he had clean clothes and gas money in his pocket so he wouldn't find a reason to not go to work and stay home drinking.
I enabled him. I enabled the disease of alcoholism to grow stronger and I gave it a comfortable place to live. Without me, it would grow but without a safety net. When it grows without a soft landing spot, the only place to land is rock bottom, which is where an alcohlic needs to be to find it within themselves to get better.
I hope this helps a little as you work through this process.
Peace to you.
Alice
The response I got from the folks here that have been through the fire and back was that I have to understand two points that are true universally. These may help you.
1) Alcoholism is progressive. It has ups and downs but it continues on its own path. As life changes around my ABF, his disease changes. Whether I am with him or not, whether we ever met at all, does not change a thing. He will make the choice that suits him in regards to his drinking. He may use me as his excuse to drink, but without me, he will find another.
2) I am not, nor will I ever be, omnipotent. The only person or thing that I can control outright is me. I cannot cause a disease created and driven by someone else to change any more than I can change the weather, the tides, or the rise and set of the sun.
It's true we have played a part in the addict/co-dependent dance that we must accept and change. That part for me was a stifling control. Because I believed so strongly that I could control the disease, I ended up controlling all the aspects of my ABF that could have made him stand up against the disease on his own. I made sure all of the bills got paid so he wouldn't be homeless or we wouldn't have to go without things. I made sure he had beer in the house, so he wouldn't be compelled to drive out to get more thus driving under the influence. I made sure he had clean clothes and gas money in his pocket so he wouldn't find a reason to not go to work and stay home drinking.
I enabled him. I enabled the disease of alcoholism to grow stronger and I gave it a comfortable place to live. Without me, it would grow but without a safety net. When it grows without a soft landing spot, the only place to land is rock bottom, which is where an alcohlic needs to be to find it within themselves to get better.
I hope this helps a little as you work through this process.
Peace to you.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Marigolds
I'd love to hear how you actually took charge and figured out what to fix in your life.
It is hard work to begin figuring out yourself and why you do what you do and think what you think and feel what you feel. But the effort and pain that it involves is well worth it as you begin to become a healthier person.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Hi Marigolds
When I first realized that my AH had a problem with alcohol and substance abuse, I couldn't even fathom that I had any kind of part in his issues whatsoever. I refused to acknowledge that it was a disease and believed he could stop, but he didn't love us enough. I refused to acknowledge that I enabled him in anyway. After all, I was simply trying to survive and give my children a good life -- the fantasy family life.
If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't even be functioning.
It took many years of delving into anything I could get my hands on to read to try to stop him from drinking, learning everything I could about the disease. I tried everything, absolutely everything, never thinking about what I needed to keep myself sane.
When I first went to alanon, about five years ago, I knew that I was as sick as him -- if not sicker. I started to realize that I was indeed making it possible for his disease to progress. And that's what it did -- text book case. Everything I had screamed, cried, begged, cleaned up, forgiven again and again, was giving him the perfect cushion to fall into when he fell. I used to feel guilty for that, for having a part in him getting sicker, but have worked at forgiving MYSELF.
I love the book, CODEPENDENT NO MORE. I read it a few years back and am now rereading it and actually doing the exercises this time lol. It has helped me a lot to acknowledge the role I played in the dysfunction of my marriage and in the end of it.
Things like why did you allow yourself to be treated disrespectfully, why did you not love and care for yourself, why did you think you deserved so little????
My best friend put this very plainly to me a few weeks back when I was in a "personal he**". She asked "why I couldn't see what she saw -- a beautiful, smart, wonderful woman allowing someone to abuse you the way he was." It really stopped me in my tracts -- why didn't I see that and why was I LETTING this happen to me. I haven't looked back!
take care of you
Laurie
When I first realized that my AH had a problem with alcohol and substance abuse, I couldn't even fathom that I had any kind of part in his issues whatsoever. I refused to acknowledge that it was a disease and believed he could stop, but he didn't love us enough. I refused to acknowledge that I enabled him in anyway. After all, I was simply trying to survive and give my children a good life -- the fantasy family life.
If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't even be functioning.
It took many years of delving into anything I could get my hands on to read to try to stop him from drinking, learning everything I could about the disease. I tried everything, absolutely everything, never thinking about what I needed to keep myself sane.
When I first went to alanon, about five years ago, I knew that I was as sick as him -- if not sicker. I started to realize that I was indeed making it possible for his disease to progress. And that's what it did -- text book case. Everything I had screamed, cried, begged, cleaned up, forgiven again and again, was giving him the perfect cushion to fall into when he fell. I used to feel guilty for that, for having a part in him getting sicker, but have worked at forgiving MYSELF.
I love the book, CODEPENDENT NO MORE. I read it a few years back and am now rereading it and actually doing the exercises this time lol. It has helped me a lot to acknowledge the role I played in the dysfunction of my marriage and in the end of it.
Things like why did you allow yourself to be treated disrespectfully, why did you not love and care for yourself, why did you think you deserved so little????
My best friend put this very plainly to me a few weeks back when I was in a "personal he**". She asked "why I couldn't see what she saw -- a beautiful, smart, wonderful woman allowing someone to abuse you the way he was." It really stopped me in my tracts -- why didn't I see that and why was I LETTING this happen to me. I haven't looked back!
take care of you
Laurie
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
It takes a while...when I first started my recovery I swear it felt like I was having my brain rewired.
A great book to get started with is "Mariage on the Rocks" it is an easy read. I found it very helpful.
It also may be helpful to ask for a temporary sponsor at your meeting.
I want you to know nothing YOU did made him drink. You did NOT cause this
be gentle with yourself
A great book to get started with is "Mariage on the Rocks" it is an easy read. I found it very helpful.
It also may be helpful to ask for a temporary sponsor at your meeting.
I want you to know nothing YOU did made him drink. You did NOT cause this
be gentle with yourself
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I exhausted myself "helping"my abf through his rough patches, the aftermath of his binges, the whole box and dice and never thought I was just prolonging the agony for both of us. When I went along with the garbage he fed me, forgave his cheating on me, the abuse, lies and financial troubles, it didn't help one little bit to put out the fire of alcoholism and in fact it fed the flames.
It wasn't until I stood firm, refused to "help" anymore or continue with him, that he did follow through with recovery.
I know that it is not in my power to keep him sober, because he must take charge of his life and make his own decisions. I have decided what I want in my life and will not take any more crumbs or stale loaves anymore.
I am worth more than 2nd rate attention, or the occassional pat on the head and I will not settle for less than what I believe I am worth.
God bless
It wasn't until I stood firm, refused to "help" anymore or continue with him, that he did follow through with recovery.
I know that it is not in my power to keep him sober, because he must take charge of his life and make his own decisions. I have decided what I want in my life and will not take any more crumbs or stale loaves anymore.
I am worth more than 2nd rate attention, or the occassional pat on the head and I will not settle for less than what I believe I am worth.
God bless
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